Christmastimes, Part IV: The Lead Up

 The internet came back up around 10am this morning. It bounced a few times for a couple of hours before remaining stable afterwards.

Too little, too late -- Daisy and I ordered the T-Mobile 5G internet hub three hours before that this morning. It's almost half the price of my current ISP and is supposed to be much better service. It arrives sometime next week, at which point I'll plug it in and see how we like it. We have a 30-day trial period for it. If it turns out it's not our thing, or it doesn't work with our electronics or my work computer, we just cancel and return it. But the goal is to get off the teat of the ISP I'm on now, who couldn't even provide me any reason for outage for thirty hours of downtime. Their statement was "the internet failed because it was cold."

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, that was their official answer. I was one of many people affected, enough to where it made the news here in Omaha -- and that was what they told the press. 

Well, no more. I've been a loyal customer of this ISP for thirteen years, but "it was cold" is where I draw the line. It was -17 to -19 for a three or four day stretch earlier this year and my internet didn't die on me then. Sometimes having multiple choices in a free market is a wonderful thing.

The outage still isn't "officially resolved" as of my writing this -- there's still another two hours before they estimate it will be restored for everyone affected.

Anyway.

As the sun sets on December 23rd we hit zero hour for Christmas. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Sunday is, of course, Christmas Day. Daisy had about six different packages arrive in the mail today. I'm guessing they're mostly presents for me (I've been ordered not to touch anything that is delivered with her name on it, not that I would anyway). 

The snow came -- not much of it, but enough to suck -- and behind it came the cold (as, ahem, mentioned above). Today is the first day in three days that the temperature made it above zero:

And let me tell you, that feels positively balmy compared to the -13 it was yesterday morning. 

We're not supposed to get back to "respectable" temperatures that accurately reflect what they should be for this time of year until the middle of next week -- when, get this, there's the possibility it will get warm enough to rain and thunderstorm on at least one day of that. 

With Christmas approaching and my internet restored (well, for now anyway) I can finally relax a bit and can enjoy the last four days of my holiday vacation in the ways I expected to -- by doing as little as possible and trying to get some real rest, interspersed with holiday activities. Daisy picked up a pack of rechargeable batteries on the way home tonight so that we can play her Wii (we need the batteries for the remotes) and get some quality time together. The next two days will be sort of hectic, but apparently this year we're foregoing the traditional Christmas Eve church service -- I asked Daisy's mother tonight to confirm that -- so while that particular tradition won't be observed, it also means I don't have to get dressed up and can wear sweats all day and all night.

I've yet to confirm the schedules for everything, but I would assume we'll venture over to the parents' sometime tomorrow afternoon and do dinner with them, then return home -- where I will be confined to my upstairs office while Daisy will be awake half the night wrapping Christmas gifts because she always waits until the last minute. On Christmas morning we'll have the customary group voice/video calls with the family, I'll call my own parents, and then we'll have breakfast and open our own gifts for one another before we head back over to the parents' for Christmas lunch/dinner/whatever works. Generally on Christmas night, Daisy and I also drive around the neighborhoods looking at Christmas lights, but as it's been so cold I don't know if she'll want to, or still want to, do that this year. I'm fine either way, honestly. 

We're both off on Monday -- which will likely be much-needed decompression time for both of us -- I took the day off in advance and Daisy gets it off from her job as the "holiday observed" day of the calendar. We both return to work on Tuesday, her in the morning and me at night. Her morning will be truncated a bit as it's also the day that our cat gets some stitches removed from a minor mass removal she had done on her face earlier this month. 

So, I mean, the next few days will be full of activities but not necessarily anything soul-draining or otherwise unexpected or unpleasant. 

Today I did multiple loads of laundry, including stripping the "cat blankets" off the couch and washing them. I also cooked and ate a full meal for the first time in a long time, and ran the dishwasher twice in order to clean up after myself. I brought in every delivered package even though the cold was nut-numbing (even moreso now that I have a shaven crotch) and made sure the cats were fed and happy. I also backed up my hard drive, balanced the checkbook, and worked on some story notes for some of my professional writing. 

As we're in a bit of a lull before the real festivities of the season begin, what else has been going on?

Well, I ordered a few new pairs of glasses. I guess that's "news" to an extent. Our FSA dollars run out at the end of the year and don't roll over (Daisy got a completely different provider at work, so whatever isn't used by 12/31 is just gone and we don't get it back). So, taking advantage of the rather large amount of money we have left in there, I got three pairs of glasses (it was buy two, get one free) with the best possible lens upgrades and frames that I won't feel like it's a waste of money to replace the lenses in upon getting a new prescription next summer.

Did you know that Amazon has an entire storefront dedicated to nothing but FSA-approved items? I didn't until last week. You'd be surprised what's covered under FSA -- heating pads, massage guns, those fancy Star Trek-head scanner thermometers, the works. Believe me, we're going to have some fun doing some healthy shopping after Christmas. I want to buy so much cold and allergy medicine that I get put on some sort of watchlist. 

But, I mean, vitamins, probiotics, etc. Personal care products. Face wash. Antimicrobial sanitizers. There are many, many possibilities. 

Anyway.

As mentioned briefly above, our cat had to go in for surgery for the second time this year to remove a non-cancerous cyst/mass from her head. The first time was on the top of her head and it was huge; this time it was a beauty-mark like cyst from her face, between her lip and nose. The doctors did a hell of a job of stitching it up, and it looked angry and swollen/painful for our little old girl for a few days before she was back to normal again:

She very much did NOT like the inflatable collar Daisy put her in so that she couldn't tear out the stitches.

I am, however, happy to report that she's been back to her normal self now for about a week, and the stitches do not seem to bother her in the least. If they do, she at least doesn't try to tear at them or pick at them. And they're getting removed Tuesday morning anyhow, so eh. This is the same cat who is in stage 2 of kidney failure, occasionally pees on herself or on the floor because of it, and has to eat special diet food that costs something like $60 a bag. For the small bag. She's old. She's not that mobile or active anymore. We just want to make sure she feels good and is comfortable, because frankly she's likely on borrowed time as it is. Watching my little old girl deteriorate is deeply sad.

But she's a very loving cat, a very sweet cat, and she's definitely a very vocal cat with a "give me all the love" personality. The girls at the vet adore her, and she is my companion every night as I work because her spot on the couch is right next to me at my work desk/computer. She even made the back of the Christmas card this year (a prestigious honor in this household). 

Speaking of those cards, I have a group of people who didn't receive one (because, well, I only made 60 of them) who are clamoring for their unveiling on Facebook. I usually do that on Christmas Eve (or thereabouts), so tomorrow is this year's unveiling of the front and back designs. Next year I'll likely need to order 70 or 75, as I've gotten a lot more people added to the list this year.

My goal for the next few days, especially tonight and tomorrow night, is to actually go to bed and sleep with the wife at the same time. 

Most people wouldn't think this is a "goal" per se, but the norm. Well, it may be the norm for them, but when you work opposite schedules, sleeping time together, in the same bed, at the same time comes at a premium -- as in, it almost never happens. I will sleep either during the day, or I will fall asleep in my chair before Daisy comes upstairs for the night, or I won't be tired when she goes to bed and won't sleep for many hours after she does so -- etc. Well, I've been waking up at 5, 6, 7 or so every morning this week no matter when I've gone to sleep, and actually did go join her in bed a few nights ago for several hours. I'll be awake during the day for the next few days -- there's no reason or excuse not to go to bed with her when she goes to bed at night. 

It's actually been a few days since I slept in the bed -- I do tend to crash out in my chair pretty frequently and pretty hard. As I usually only sleep for about 5-6 hours at a time, if I wake up early I wake up early and can get up -- but I crave the safety and intimacy that sleeping with my wife provides. 

I'm sure some of you are reading this as if this is a completely alien concept -- not sleeping with your spouse in the same bed all the time, every night, no matter what -- but it is what it is when I work overnights and she works days. She goes to bed at night when I'm working, and usually has at least one of the three cats sleep with her. In the mornings when I go to bed, if she's working from home that day she can come into the bedroom an hour after I've gone to sleep to find me with two of the three cats, who look at her as if to say "this is our dad sleeping time, go away." There are pictures.

The third cat is our little stitched-up girl above, who never really leaves the couch unless she's drinking water or going to/from the litter pan. 

If I take a nap on the couch during the week, on my lunch hour in the middle of the night, my little old lady cat will always walk up and down my body and stick her nose in my face to make sure I'm all right. When I tell her I am, she is satisfied and sleeps on my legs or lays down on my outstretched arm, just so I know that she's there and she's watching over me. Occasionally, Pete -- the wife's cat, and I've now resigned myself to that fact as he loves Daisy more than the world -- will join me as well and try to sleep in my arms or on my chest, but that's rare of him to do on the couch. Every morning he joins me in bed though, without fail. 

Thus is my life, I suppose.

Pete does frequently want in my office with me, and most of the time I let him in -- he sleeps on my chair or on my ottoman and doesn't really want anything else other than to be with me. When he wants out, he gets antsy and tries to get into things, and that's when I show him the door. 

So yeah, that's really about it for the moment. I'll make sure to give everyone the Christmas rundown once we resurface from the holiday. 

Christmastimes, Part III: The Dark Ages

 

Hello all. I am currently writing this shortly before 4am on December 23. I am also writing it in a text document to post later, because, well, my internet has been hard down for about 26 hours and counting now, and there is no estimated time to repair.

Well, I should say...it’s not been hard down that entire time—it did come up twice, once for about five minutes yesterday morning and a second time for about twenty minutes yesterday afternoon. Other than that, it’s been dead in the water. There is an outage affecting our neighborhood, per my ISP (so, it’s not just me). I don’t know anything other than that.

The temperature outside is -9. Yesterday morning it got down to -13. The wind chill outside is consistently between -30 and -40. There’s an inch or so of snow and packed ice on the driveway and sidewalks that, because of the cold, can’t really be de-iced, shoveled, or snow-blown to clear it until the temperature gets well above zero, which at this point doesn’t look like is going to happen until...after Christmas.

Yes, we have power and heat, and no our pipes haven’t frozen (yet—because I know my luck if I don’t include the “yet”). Yes, I would much rather have power and heat than internet.

I am still...very frustrated. I am not really hungry. I can’t really sleep more than a few hours at a time. I am filled with constant anger and rage and stress during a time where that’s not supposed to be part of my life. I took this time off work specifically to get some downtime and to decompress, to de-stress, to get some rest. 95% of the things I do to get downtime and decompress/de-stress involve the internet in one fashion or another. It’s 2022, there’s no longer a way around that. I can’t shake the anger and frustration. I’ve tried.

Daisy, forever the optimist, said “Play a video game. Read. Take a nap.”

I’ve done all of those things. They don’t help. I am so sick of video games. If I try to read anything more than about 30 pages or so, it puts me to sleep—and then I wake up and the cycle begins all over again because there is still no internet.

I guess I can take solace in the fact that even if I’d not taken PTO and had actually wanted to work during this time, I wouldn’t be able to anyway, and that would’ve felt like a reprieve.

My executive director actually reached out to me last night and asked me if I could help out. I screenshotted him the 16 hours’ (at that juncture) worth of attempts to get any sort of estimated restoral time out of my ISP and called in two of my employees for overtime at his request (I do have a working 5G phone, just nothing else—and I hate using my phone for things I’d use my computer for otherwise). Yesterday would have been the best day possible for Daisy to work from home, with the cold/windchills and snow—she couldn’t do so because of no fucking internet, and was forced to go out and risk her life to get to and from work.

When I call my ISP about the outage—knowing full well that the customer service reps can’t make it resolve faster (it’s literally what my team does at work for a different telecommunications provider), but to get any information on what’s down and why—my ISP won’t even let me get to a representative. The automated voice tells me there’s an outage in my neighborhood (no shit?) that’s being worked on and says “speaking with a customer service representative will not help to restore service faster. Thank you for your call, goodbye.”

….That’s great, but I want a billing credit—and I also want to know what’s actually down, what’s actually broken, and why it’s taking so long to fix. And if the answer to the last question is “because our technicians are union and they don’t want to work/fix things when it’s cold, so we can’t force them” my answer would be “Great, then you can cancel my service with you, and I’ll go get a T-Mobile wireless internet hub and will have service today, in 15 minutes from opening the box.”

Which they probably know their customers would say, and is also very likely the actual reason it’s been down this long.

I’m not particularly anti-union, but I am also of the mindset that having home internet down for well over 24 hours for an entire neighborhood during the holidays is completely inexcusable. Not being able to talk to a living person to get a billing credit or information is inexcusable. Not having a known time to repair for over 24 hours is inexcusable. This is not business-level internet where outages have large enterprise-wide causes and solutions (for one, those outages actually tell the customers what’s going on and usually have a known estimated time to repair—I know this because keeping customers informed about those things is quite literally my job) – this is residential, which is handled by different teams and is usually fixed much more quickly. Not knowing the wheres and the whys, and just being left in the proverbial dark ages about all of it is inexcusable.

Yes, I realize the irony here. It’s still patently ridiculous.

In my downtime, and I do refer to it loosely as that, I was able to wrap all of the Christmas presents, do all of the household laundry, strip and wash the bedding, disassemble the cats’ water fountain to clean it and replace the pump, and run two loads of dishes through the dishwasher.

I also shaved my crotch, took a shower, and had three good shits, but I’m sure you didn’t need to know all of that.

When Daisy got home I tried to be sweet and loving as much as possible, but I was still a white-hot ball of anger. I made sure to make it clear to her that I was not angry with her but the situation, and that I didn’t want to take it out on her. She tried to help, tried to mitigate the issue with some creative solutions (including finding a way to stream Netflix from her phone to the TV) and I appreciated that, but she couldn’t and can’t solve the overall problem of no internet. She does not have an Internet Wand.

“You get so fixated on things and just become miserable because of them,” she told me. “I don’t stress about things outside of my control that I can’t fix.”

“That’s the difference between you and me,” I said. “It is that lack of control that makes me stressed out about these things. If they were in my control, I would have no reason to be stressed about them.”

I then explained to her that this is supposed to be my relaxation time, the time where I’m not supposed to be angry or stressed since it’s the holidays and since I’m off work, and basically how it always seems that one thing or another happens to completely ruin that for me—as if I’m never allowed to really enjoy anything in life if I’m not somehow also suffering in some small (or large) way. As it stands I’ve lost a full day (and am going into a second) of my vacation time feeling like I’m trapped in a jail cell, completely disconnected from the outside world and waiting to die.

Metaphorically, of course.

It honestly just feels like this entire holiday season has been hollow and superficial. I’ve tried to make the best of it and have tried to reminisce on the good feeling of holidays past, that sense of “Christmas magic” I suppose—but while there’s a little of it still there, it feels like most of it is completely gone. I haven’t spent a Christmas with my parents in a full decade, and the last time I did, I got stranded in West Virginia two extra days because of a snowstorm. I buy and send gifts to people and I receive some in return, but it all feels like I’m going through the motions without feeling moved by any of it. The crushing cold weather has made it worse and has added on a new layer of stress, because if the internet can stop working for a few days, so can the power, so can our water.

Birthday Number Forty

 Well then. I'm 40.

Do I look 40? Well, I look more like it than I don't.

Do I feel 40? Very yes.

I'm sitting here at my desk wearing a decade-old ugly Christmas sweater and the nerdiest pair of glasses I own. I have been trying to grow by beard back out since Halloween and it is...growing slowly. Every day I see more gray in my beard and in my hair than ever before. I'm guessing I have less than five years before I'm more gray than any other color. 

My eyes hurt. My joints ache. Did my eyes always hurt and did my joints always ache? I don't know. I don't remember a time where they didn't, to be honest with all of you. 

My 40th birthday is bittersweet because of multiple reasons. I always said as a teenager (and even well into college) something along the lines of "psh, like I'll make it to 40" as if that was a far off future time, far off future year. Well, I guess back then it really was, but 2022 came fast and the future is now, old man. 

My 40th birthday also starts this year's Christmas vacation for me, which is bittersweet because yes, while I do get some of that fabled, precious time off, the weather is going to be atrocious starting tomorrow -- up to 7 inches of snow predicted and temperatures expected to be below zero for highs pretty much now through Christmas, with windchills of up to -50. No, I'm not making that up. I don't know when I decided to live north of The Wall, but I am no longer here for it. 

This weather has thrown a wrench into almost all of our plans leading up to actual Christmas. As you folks know, I only want one thing for my birthday every year -- a tattoo. I got my first in 2019, had to skip 2020 because of the pandemic, and last year got my second. This year (well, as you can see), my birthday is on a Tuesday. Having a Tuesday birthday and a Sunday Christmas is like the worst possible pairing for any sort of holiday celebrations ever. Tuesday is right in the middle of my work week, and with Christmas being Sunday it's like nobody's schedules really change for businesses and/or industries. Holiday is on the weekend? Cool, work normally right up to it and then go right back to work after it. It doesn't feel like a holiday. It just feels like a normal day off before going right back to the grind.

I took off my birthday and the two following days -- days I had to submit PTO for because holiday time off in the United States is a fucking joke -- and took off the day after Christmas too. I wholeheartedly recommend this for anyone who can do it -- never work the first business day after a major holiday if you can take it off. If you work that day, especially if you work in a service industry, you will deal with vast multitudes of bullshit that you'd normally not see otherwise. We call it "holiday fallout" in my job. And I've already reached the point of the holidays where I'm very glad I work from home, because I'm pretty sure the clients and my bosses would not appreciate how loudly I say Oh go fuck yourself, it's Christmas to any bitchy email that hits my inbox this time of year. 

Anyway, I digress.

My birthday itself was fine. I worked the overnight before, got up in the afternoon and got ready, and Daisy and I went to her parents' for dinner -- a poutine dinner, as is tradition:

This was then followed up by the birthday gift I'd asked Daisy for -- her famous pecan pie. 

Mama had quilted a long banner for me with a moose on it; she must have spent hours making it, if not days. It's beautiful, and will soon hang above my desk on the wall here in my office. I'll likely take a picture and share here once I get it put up.

Afterwards, on the way home we stopped at the local vape shop because I had a huge birthday coupon that I wanted to use in order to get a few more disposables (which I did) and, for the first time since summer, a bit more juice to try to use up the last of my tanks.

We then returned home in the single-digit cold and I passed out in my chair.

So, the full list of 40th birthday things are, in no particular order:

• 96 people wishing me happy birthday via Facebook
• Zero people wishing me happy birthday via Twitter
• Six birthday texts
• Four messenger IMs from friends/family who had not posted on my actual Facebook
• Three "happy belated birthday" messages
• Three birthday cards (one from my parents, one from Daisy's, and one from my aunt)
• Zero tattoos

The tattoo thing was expected. Because of the extreme cold/winter storm coming in, plus knowing that we wouldn't even be able to get to a tattoo studio before dinner with the parents -- much less get one done, that was put on hold. We're now expecting to get my yearly birthday tattoo on Monday, the 26th...weather permitting there as well, of course, and also if the studio I like is resuming normal business hours on that Monday (since Christmas is Sunday). I've already told Daisy that if it doesn't happen, eh, it's not a big deal.

So that was my 40th. It was a good day. I enjoyed it. The end. 

Christmastimes, Part II

 There's a lot of stuff we do in the last two weeks of December to wrap up the year. Not all of it is holiday-centric, though a lot of it is. The last two weeks of the year are usually interspersed with some PTO and events surrounding my birthday (I don't really count my birthday as a "holiday," per se).

This time of year also usually involves some shitty weather, travel headaches, or something else thrown into the mix, too.

All Christmas cards I sent out should have already arrived at their intended destinations, even the international ones and one that I had to re-send because I got the wrong address the first time around. If they're not there at this point, it's in the hands of Space Jesus now:

Yes, this is me, I did that AI thing through the Lensa app. Or, rather, Daisy put me through it. The art is shockingly accurate.

All gifts I've mailed out to people, with the exception of a stack of comics I sent my dad yesterday, have already arrived safely and with confirmation. 

I have two nights of work left (tonight and tomorrow) and then I'm off for a full week.

I turn 40 in two days. Christmas Day is a week from today.

People around me and in my life are moving slowly this year when it comes to holiday things, like nobody is really in the spirit for it or is just sick of the thought of it. I sent 60 holiday cards, and have thus far (on December 18) have received only ten or so in return, which is an extremely low amount -- yes, I track this every year. 

I've gotten two birthday cards, one from my parents and one from my aunt. Usually I get far more. I don't know if people just stopped caring over the pandemic years or what. 

I've had several friends announce on Facebook that they're not doing cards this year or that they've stopped doing them completely. 

I normally receive Christmas or birthday gifts in the mail from a few friends. This year I have gotten nothing so far. I know at least two friends are sending us baked goods (they'll likely arrive in the coming days). My parents always send us a box of stuff for Christmas too, and that did arrive as planned -- with a nice watch for me and a beautiful bracelet and socks for Daisy. 

Mind you, I've told basically, well, everyone that I don't want anything for my birthday or Christmas. And I really don't. There's not anything that I really need that anyone can give me as a gift. It's sort of like that John Lennon quote where he said his teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and his response was "Happy," and she said he didn't understand he question, so he responded that she didn't understand life.

I am happy. I've actually been happier in my life this year, and especially over the past several months, than I've been in a very long time. I don't need physical gifts. I don't need things. I have too many things as it is. I just want to continue the trend of happiness and relatively decent health. The things I want can't be put in a bag or a box. They're things like peace and downtime and not having (and not needing) a job. Nobody can give me those things. 

December this year just feels strange, like it's not going fast enough and it's moving too fast all at the same time. When I take time off work, it's always a blur because it goes too quickly. I usually fall into a slight depression after the holidays are over because there's nothing else to look forward to, just three months of cold, dark winter. And already, it is bitterly cold and nasty here in Omaha. Temperatures this coming week -- before Christmas, mind you -- are already supposed to be in the negatives. We're also supposed to get about five or so inches of snow between now and Christmas, too. 

Christmastimes, Part I

 Good day, all.

As I write this, it is the beginning of December. 

Thanksgiving is behind us. 

We've already had Daisy's work Christmas party (last weekend). 

All of the custom, fancy photo Christmas cards I make every year (60 in total, at the cost of $135 this year -- plus stamps) have been ordered, addressed, stamped, sealed, and mailed. People have already started getting them.

All of the Christmas presents for each other, the family, and the numerous friends/work colleagues I or we get gifts for have been purchased and are ready to go. In some/most cases, they've already been shipped via whatever companies we've gotten them from, whether that be Amazon or other places. The ones that have already shipped have in some cases already arrived, and the remainder will arrive between now and December 23. 

I turn 40 years old in ten days. Christmas is two weeks away. 

Daisy and I generally do a lot around the holidays. Not so much present-wise anymore; we've gotten to the point where we're older now and we don't feel the need to give each other crazy, lavish gifts or piles of presents. I spent a little over $100 this year on Daisy on small, useful things and food (the food part isn't a secret, it's what she always asks for -- treats, foods, etc). I told Daisy she doesn't have to get me anything, because there's nothing I really want or need. I mean this more this year than perhaps any other year, but because that sentiment seemed to frustrate her a bit (especially because I told her -- many times -- how much I myself hate getting food/treats for gifts and forbade her from getting me anything like that this year and all years moving forward), I showed her a hat that I like that I'd never get for myself, and told her a specific type of glow-in-the-dark rock I wanted a set of and the size I wanted them in (also something I'd never get for myself).

No, when I say we generally do a lot around the holidays, I mean acts of service to friends and family. Mostly family. We show up for the holidays. Daisy usually does a lot of cooking and baking. I create and send all of the cards, some of them to people I really don't even know, because we want them to know we're thinking of them. If any of Daisy's family (her sisters and their husbands/kids) are in town over any of the holidays, we spend a lot of time with them and try to take them on adventures or plan activities with them -- weather and time permitting, of course. This sometimes works out better than others, to be sure. For example, this Thanksgiving, the Canadians were in town as they were halfway through a move from Alberta back to the states, to Pennsylvania. We got to spend the day before Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Day with them, and then they were gone again. It's the first time we've all been together in a year and a half, and at least five or six years since we were all in the parents' home in Omaha together -- and it was for a very short window of time.

This Christmas, they will be in Pennsylvania (they're there now) and the Denverites are spending their Christmas with the in-laws' family, so it will be just the four of us here in town -- me, Daisy, and her parents. Since it's just the four of us, Daisy expressed the desire to finally have tacos for Christmas dinner, so I guess that's what we'll likely be doing. It's a lot less work and cleanup than any other type of "big dinner" and this is good, because Dad and I have been tasked with it. Which, for the record, I'm 100% fine with.

I'm out of office for a week over the Christmas holiday anyway. My PTO starts on the morning of my birthday, the 20th, and ends when I return to work the night of the 27th.

"What do you want to do for your birthday this year?" Daisy asked me.

It's a question that I sort of dread being asked every year, but this year it's worse because it's my 40th. The 40th birthday is supposed to be a milestone birthday, I guess. I don't feel like it is. I just feel older and creakier and more tired. 

Now, my real answer to Daisy's question is sleep and be left alone, but I can't give that answer. There are social expectations that must be fulfilled on one's birthday, and she took the afternoon off so she could come home and spend the day/night with me. I work the night beforehand until 7am of the morning of my birthday (I didn't have a choice; I do not have the extra PTO to put in to take the night beforehand off, and I have to wait another week and a half to submit the last of my PTO for the 26th too). The greatest "birthday gift" I could be given would be some downtime leading into the holidays, which is good because that's what I'm going to get between my birthday Christmas, until the 27th. 

"I just want a quiet birthday," I told Daisy. "You don't have to get me anything. I just want to get my next tattoo and I want to see the parents and/or have dinner with them."

This conversation came up last weekend too, once all the family had left town, and it was settled that we'd have a birthday dinner of poutine (my choice) with the parents on my actual birthday. Because of the timeframes I don't know when I'll be able to get my tattoo, but it likely won't be on my actual birthday this year -- no time, really, especially not when I have to work the night beforehand. Daisy took the 21st off too, so that'll likely be the day. 

It would also help if I knew for certain what I wanted to get. Because this time around, I really don't. 

I am not an indecisive person. I am just...tired. I am so tired. I haven't had the time and mental breathing space to just sit down and look through options to see what I'm interested in. 

But, with everything taken care of regarding the holidays' gifts and plans, all of the month's bills already paid, and no real stresses to worry about on the docket coming up anytime soon (that I know of, anyhow), I have been feeling really nostalgic and have been wanting to actually have a real Christmas season, like the Christmas seasons I had while I was growing up. This want has grown even stronger now that we're coming out of an almost three-year pandemic (well, depending on who you ask, anyway). 

When I was a kid, and even into my early 20s, every year for my birthday my parents would take me to Pittsburgh. We'd have dinner at the Olive Garden (which was fancy, for us) and then would spend the evening shopping at the Century III Mall -- where I would get my Christmas gifts for everyone. This was a strong tradition that we really only missed once or twice for well over a decade (the times we missed it were very likely due to bad weather, though I really can't recall now that I'm much older). The tradition sort of stopped once I entered college, due to mutual lack of interest as well as the mall basically becoming a shell of itself with nothing in it as the years went on -- it would eventually lose 60-70% of its stores even before I left town, and would close in the late teens, though I was long gone from the area before then; its decline was apparent well before I moved to the midwest.

In the early to mid 90s though, that mall was the place to be at Christmastime. And I loved it. I loved every bit of it, I loved everything about the Christmas shopping season, loved spending my birthdays eating "fancy" meals and shopping in a mall, where I was always able to find something for myself and for the family. I have vivid memories of purchasing NOFX and Ghost in the Shell t-shirts from Hot Topic in the 90s -- when it was still the real Hot Topic, and shadowing my brother as he searched for the newest PlayStation games. 

I obviously don't have those traditions anymore, but part of the mall trip was hitting up Burlington Coat Factory and Best Buy too -- back before Burlington dropped the "Coat Factory" from its name and back when physical media was still king and Best Buy actually had a reason to exist. Daisy and I did go to Burlington last weekend and we found a large amount of things, and while we do have a few Best Buy stores here in Omaha, I will only enter them if absolutely necessary -- there's nothing there I can't get off Amazon for far cheaper most of the time, sad to say. It's time for Best Buy to go away, honestly.

The other holiday shopping tradition I had was a trip to Big Lots. I don't know if Big Lots stores exist in all areas, but they're like a discount department store chain. Think of Dollar General or Family Dollar, but way upscaled and packed to the brim with overstock stuff from around the country, including furniture, bedding, cookware, food, movies/CDs, etc. That's Big Lots in a nutshell. And the one here in Omaha (I'm sure there's a few, but there's one right down the street from my house) is great. Daisy and I were last there right before the pandemic and I don't think we've visited since. I asked her mid-week if she wanted to hit up Big Lots this weekend, and her answer was a pretty stern no.

I just want the holidays to feel like the holidays again. The pandemic wrecked that for me and got me out of my normal patterns, and I don't know if I can enjoy them the same way again. The fact that I'm turning 40 makes me want to try to get what little enjoyment I can out of the season while I still have the heart for it. I'm already bitter and jaded enough; as I grow older I'm likely going to resent the holidays more and more. I just want to recapture a bit of that happiness again, that sense of wonder and excitement I used to have for my birthday and Christmas before I had bills, a mortgage, and a soul-sucking job. It feels like I'm seeing that magic blow away like dust in the wind just a little bit more every year.