As I predicted, I did get a fair amount of "heat" over the two previous Immediate Dismissals posts.
One of my acquaintances told me yesterday that it seemed like I myself was a personified red flag if I was willing to dismiss someone over tendencies and certain attributes when said person could be "my soulmate."
Fair enough, I suppose. I responded -- diplomatically, of course -- that I do and am willing to give anyone and everyone a chance, and that most of what I've written in those two previous posts is satire. Jaded, bitter satire, but satire nonetheless.
I don't like to judge people. I really don't. I know that statement may sound laughable and slightly hypocritical after reading those previous posts, but it's true. I'm not judging people's character or moral standings, of course, but rather if I think I'd be in any way compatible with them romantically. Sometimes such "snap decisions" are important in that regard. First impressions don't mean a whole lot to me most of the time -- everyone's prone to a bad day or a momentary lapse of reason. However, I can also tell most of the time on someone's demeanor alone, on the way a person carries himself or herself, or portrays himself or herself around others whether or not I want to associate with said person in the future, or ever. Call me judgmental or hypocritical if you wish, but I am very cautious about who I let into my life -- and those folks I don't want in it, well, aren't. Therefore, my immediate dismissals aren't so much of a reflection on the people I was referring to in those posts, but a reflection back on myself as a person. Because, believe me, I have my many flaws. Many, many flaws.
Those who see me as being a judgmental prick, of course, will continue to see me as one, and I can't change that. Oh well. As I said, lighten up, people. As I wrote before, I'm trying to shine a little light on a shitty situation by cracking jokes about it. I'm not actively trying to offend anyone, but I'm also not going to apologize for offending you if you were offended by my snap judgments of various people's characteristics. And I'm certainly not going to censor myself or try to please everyone.
Besides. I'm not even sure I believe in "my soulmate" anymore.
Some of you will probably be shocked to hear that. Some of you may find that soul-crushingly depressing. But it's true, really. I can't become so preoccupied with finding my "better half" or the "other side of my coin" or any of that other bullshit the greeting card companies will throw at you on anniversary cards purchased from gas stations at six in the morning on the day in question. I have my life to live, I have things to do with that life and places to go in it. Whether I'll ever get to those things or places remains to be seen, obviously, but I'm also sick of hearing the "there's one special person out there waiting for you" trope over and over again.
I did receive some positive responses to my Immediate Dismissals; my friends April and Kristine devoted a good ten minutes or so of the latest episode of their podcast to it, in which I was once more named and this very blog got a nice little plug. I adore April and Kristine; they are two of the sweetest ladies on the planet. April has been a close friend of mine for almost ten years now (I'm thinking seven or eight, bare minimum, as I've followed her through three different podcasts/radio shows now) and she has always been one of those friends who -- when I've needed help with anything -- will always immediately do whatever she can, whether I say anything or not. When my ex of over six years broke up with me last summer, April sent me a block of Ginsu knives for my kitchen, with a note attached saying something along the lines of "here's hoping they don't find where you've hidden the bodies." I can't remember the exact wording of it, but it was so cryptic that she was worried the Amazon people would send the cops to my house. In thanks for being such a good friend over the years, I've sent her several tie-dye shirts (Kristine has at least one of them now as well) and various other care packages. About two months ago I even baked cookies for April, April's husband, and Kristine for all of them to eat on the show. I value my friends. I can't tell you how much I value them. My friends, what few of them I have and hold dear, mean the world to me.
My friend Adam also appreciated the fact that I used his additions to my list as well, of course. Even he was shocked, though, at #7 (mentioning dead children on one's dating profile). It takes a lot to shock Adam, too. Adam is generally the one who shocks other people. In fact, I'm pretty sure my mother is still afraid of the man, even though he tends to look/be a lot more, ahem, respectable now than he did say, ten years ago. Adam is a great guy, a solid, hardworking guy who has been just as burned by love and bad luck as I have been throughout my life, if not much more so. He's also dependable and loyal to his dying breath, and I have no doubt that if I ever needed someone to back me up in a fight, he'd be there with a chain to swing and a board with a rusty nail through it in hand.
Amongst those who took moderate offense to the posts was Daisy. I say moderate offense because she does understand that I'm not "a mean person," nor was I completely dead serious with those immediate dismissals, and said that a few of them, at least, describe her -- going as far as to proclaim herself (in a sarcastic fashion) as "a princess," and getting her mother to back her up and verify this via Skype, something I found both hilarious and incredibly endearing. Okay, maybe I'll let the princess thing slide. But just this once.
Daisy's mother has been reading through my blog. I don't mind this at all, really, as my own parents read it (hi, Mom!); truthfully, I find it fascinating. Daisy and her mother are close, so it's not like it's a secret to her that Daisy and I are interested in one another (I'll get to that in a bit). What's fascinating about it is that her mother has read much more of this blog than even Daisy herself has as of yet.
Truthfully, it is supremely endearing and absolutely flattering that Daisy's mother is reading my blog. I think it's one of the sweetest things in the world. It shows that she cares about her daughter and that she wants to make sure that the guys her daughter associates with are upstanding individuals. Most mothers wouldn't do that. I want to give that woman a hug. It says so much about her as a person.
Daisy's mother even sent me a message on Facebook a few days ago about a particular style of clothes-dyeing she does, since she knows how much I enjoy my tie-dyes. It was very sweet, and it is a message that I have still yet to reply to, as I am A) nervous to talk to her because she is, after all, Daisy's mother, and B) because nobody's mother has ever sent me a message via Facebook before, especially not one so nice and sweet. I will, of course, reply to it soon.
As for me and Daisy herself? Well...
Truthfully, it's a bit hard to explain. I'm going to try anyhow.
Daisy and I are close. Very close. We spent a total of six hours yesterday on Skype together, talking/flirting/what-have-you, and probably about the same on Tuesday despite the fact that I taught Tuesday night and talked to other friends on both days, as well. Daisy and I have the sort of friendship already where we can look into each other's eyes via the Skype camera and know exactly what the other is thinking; words aren't always (or even frequently) necessary. Because of this she and I have a sort of connection that I'm not sure can really be defined. Yes, we are greatly attracted to each other, but yes, we are just friends. Yes, we are still over two hundred miles apart, but yes, each of us will get a little (or a lot) jealous when the other talks to or flirts with someone new via OkCupid or anywhere else.
We each test the other a bit in this regard, whether intentionally or otherwise; for example, April introduced me to one of her friends she goes to school with, and said friend and I talked a lot, getting to know each other. Said friend is very nice and sweet, but is also 1,400 miles away. I love getting to know new people, though, and April's friend is basically like the female version of myself, so we got along pretty well. Something may come of it, nothing may come of it -- who knows, since she lives 1,400 miles away -- but this girl is really nice, and we're getting to know each other on a friend level and have barely gotten past the state of introductions, brief histories of our pasts, educations, jobs, etc and the like. Still, because I was talking to someone new, and this someone was female, Daisy's proverbial claws came out. She was jealous. Like, upset-jealous; pouty, needy upset-jealous.
Which, I won't lie, is...ahem...hot.
Anyway.
Mind you, Daisy is not my girlfriend. Neither is this new friend I've made through April, who I'm just now getting to know a little better. One or the other may eventually become something more on a more-than-friends level, but right now? No. I talk to people, Daisy herself talks to people, we both have active profiles on OkCupid, and we both know that we're both going to socialize. I like making friends. I like finding people I have a lot in common with. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am a fairly social person, and if I can make a new friend -- whether I make said friend under the pretenses of simple friendship or the possibility of something more -- it's a chance I'm going to take, and I know it's a chance Daisy would take as well.
Daisy explains her jealousy by saying that yes, while we are friends, it's not like the door is closed to something more at some point, and for me to so casually flit around talking to new people like she doesn't matter is, on some level, a little disheartening, despite the fact that she does it too. Daisy is a strange one, yes. But Daisy also has an indescribable pull on me. I know that door isn't closed. It won't be, and I don't want it to be, at all. And I'll never act like she doesn't matter to me, regardless of who I talk to or befriend, because she does. She matters a lot. Probably more than I'm willing to admit fully in such a public forum or so soon, but Daisy is special to me, indescribably so. So indescribably that I'm really not sure what to label the friendship we have, because it's not just friends, despite the fact that's what we say it is, but it's not anything truly more than that either. I'm not sure if there's a sort of middle ground, a purgatory or limbo of sorts.
What's that old Mitch Hedberg line? "I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
Maybe it's something like that. I don't know.
I do know that Daisy's possessiveness and jealousy is really sweet, and that it stems from that knowledge we both have which tells us that the door to something more between us is not closed, and won't be -- probably not ever -- but setting a defined premise one way or the other cannot and will not happen at this time or possibly even in the foreseeable future.
What are my thoughts on this?
Well, let's just say that I haven't stopped researching vegetarian and vegan cooking, nor have I stopped researching the lifestyle -- but I've also made a good friend in the girl April introduced me to, and I do like making new friends and talking to new people, getting to know people on an interpersonal level, especially people as fascinating as this girl is. And, as I mentioned before, though we may not use them for much, Daisy and I both have active profiles on OkCupid. I have one on Plenty of Fish, too, as you know, and I think she does as well.
I haven't received any new messages from anyone on either site, in case you were wondering. Even the conversations I've had with women through OkCupid in recent weeks have fizzled and died out, all except for one woman -- you guessed it, Daisy. I don't know what that means. Nobody else I've talked to via that site has held my attention or captivated me like her. And I'm not sure, again, what that means, or if the fates are trying to tell me something.
Hey, Brandon, Fates here. How you doin'? This "Daisy" girl you write about? Yeah, she's something. Keep her around. Do whatever it takes. She'll be an important part of your life, trust me. Others may come and go. Relationships and friendships with other people may begin and end for each of you over time, but she'll always be there. Trust us, we're not usually wrong. You need her around. We like her. She appeals to your emotional, spiritual side, the side of you that makes you want to throw all your "rules" or "requirements" completely out the proverbial window just to be able to say you know her. She's an old soul. She's important, Brandon. Don't forget this. Listen to us.
That's sort of where I am right now, really. Open to all things on all fronts, but maybe hoping for one or two specific things to happen. What those things are, of course, I'm not even sure of completely myself. Time and patience, Brandon. Time and patience.
In other news, it is supposed to be 106-108 degrees here today. I have not yet gone to bed; I plan to sleep through the oppressive heat with an industrial-strength fan on me at all times, blowing me at its highest setting.
That sounds slightly dirty, doesn't it?
I have paid the rent and requested an appointment for the Westar Energy people (read: the electric company) to install the new WattSaver thermostat at some point in the near future. I don't know when that will be, but I can tell you that I do not like the heat, and I have $67.93 in my bank account until I am paid again a week from tomorrow. At least the WattSaver is free, and it's free installation. This is good, because I'm sure I'll be out of food, coffee, and smokes again before next Friday, and my big black landboat will need more gas before class on Tuesday night, even if I can only afford to put $10 or $15 in her to push me through those last few days before I can fill the tank.
So, my friends, after this incredibly long, intricate blog post, that's what's goin' on. I'll now retreat to my bed, where I will sleep away the heat and wake up sometime this evening. Mmm, bed. King-size bed. Where it's cool and comfortable, even if I am sleeping in it alone for the time being.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Immediate Dismissals, Part II: The Sequel
Last night's post got a lot of responses from friends who have messaged me or tweeted me. Surprisingly enough, those responses weren't to condemn me for being so shallow or superficial -- no, to the contrary, they wanted to add to the list. And they gave me more suggestions, almost all of which I agree with. My friend Adam was by far the most prolific, giving me about ten more additions to the list (which I will get to below, as you'll see). First, however, there are several more of my own that I discovered today that I'd like to add to the list, and I've already written about them on Twitter; here I'll get a chance to explain them more.
Immediate Dismissal #5: "I have a snake!"
Two of my friends objected to this one, including my good friend April, so I feel I must elaborate: guys with snakes generally tend to be pretty cool, if a bit weird. Women, however, who own snakes? They tend to be scary.
This is, I admit, probably my most shallow immediate dismissal because it's based on tendencies alone.
Immediate Dismissal #6: If the words "crazy," "bitch," or both appear in your username.
Not only will I run away, but I will run away screaming. Why, oh why, would you want to handicap yourself from the start, ladies? Are either or both of those terms attributes you want potential suitors to see right off the bat?
Immediate Dismissal #7: If you talk about your dead children in your profile.
I'm going to take some heat for this one, I'm sure, but I read no less than three profiles on Plenty of Fish in the past 24 hours that explained (sometimes in detail) that they were mothers whose children had died at an early age, sometimes infants. All three of them were much, much younger than me. Now, this is not a problem on principle; I want to make that clear. Of course it's not. My heart goes out to these young ladies who have lost children, and I absolutely feel sympathy for them and can't imagine the pain they must have gone through in losing a child.
That being said, when you're creating a dating profile, for what possible conceivable reason would you want to mention that, much less have it be one of the first things a potential suitor would see? There's "being an open book," and then there's "sharing way too much too soon." It's nice to be up front about things, but there's a time and a place for it, isn't there? Is that not more of a fact you bring up on a second or third date once you get to know someone better, regardless of how much you may be haunted by said child's death?
Maybe that's just me.
Immediate Dismissal #8: If you describe your sexual preference as "STRICKLY DICKLY."
Say it in Ned Flanders' voice.
Yes, I did see this on a profile this afternoon.
Need I really explain further?
Immediate Dismissal #9: If the suffix "-holic" is anywhere in your username or profile.
Generally a good reason to run away. Especially if said suffix is in the username. It's not usually a good sign. I don't care if it's chocoholic, shopaholic, or what have you, it's still generally not a good sign.
This probably sounds fairly shallow as well, doesn't it?
Immediate Dismissal #10: If the "six things I could never live without" section of your profile are the letters "C, H, R, I, S, and T."
I really don't have anything against people of faith. I don't. Really don't. I'm glad you have something to hold on to, something to grasp to get you through the tough times. And I respect that; even though it's a mindset I may never fully understand, I do respect it highly.
But if you have nothing but your faith? No other hobbies or interests, nothing you could even be bothered to be creative enough to list in a "six things I could never live without" section? That bothers me for some reason. It bothers me on an intellectual level, on a social level. You could've listed anything -- cell phone, makeup, music, car, pets, etc -- but you didn't. This just shows me that you must be a wholly one-dimensional person, or that you're looking for a one-dimensional person. At least that's the impression it gives me, anyhow. Maybe I'm wrong, but regardless, unless you find someone of your exact mindset, it's not a good impression it gives off. We get it, your faith is important to you. What else is?
Immediate Dismissal #11: If your profile picture is of you drunk and grinning while holding a bottle of alcohol I cannot afford.
My friend Adam chimed in to comment on this one: "It's okay to have ONE of many, but not the main one. There's my stance on it." I'm inclined to agree with him. Everyone has at least one picture of him/herself while drunk. I have many, scattered all over my Facebook, some while wearing a Superman costume (don't ask, seriously). Do I upload any of those pictures to my dating site profiles? No. Hell no. And even if I were to do so, they certainly wouldn't be made into my main profile picture. That just screams low-class.
Immediate Dismissal #12: If, in any of your photos, there is a Taylor Swift *tapestry* hanging on your wall.
No explanation should be necessary.
Posters are fine, though they'll make me arch an eyebrow if they're questionable. This was a full-blown tapestry. As in, a woven one. Like a rug. Rug art. That, my friends, shows devotion. Devotion to poor decor, that is.
And besides, Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!
The rest of these come from my friend Adam. I tend to agree with most of them. The wording is his, not mine. The explanations, however, are.
Immediate Dismissal #13: "Undisclosed body type"
I don't necessarily have a problem with this, but then again I don't really have a problem with any body type. I have my preferences, but they're meaningless if the soul of a person isn't lovable to begin with.
Immediate Dismissal #14: "Extreme angles on pics"
I'm guessing he means something along the lines of the typical "MySpace profile photo" where the camera is held at arm's length at an angle? Something like that? It's not necessarily a turnoff, but it does show a lack of creativity.
Immediate Dismissal #15: "Anything fucking Disney related"
Hah, I sort of agree with him on this one.*
Immediate Dismissal #16: "Not using full words/texting-style sentences"
This is one of my biggest pet peeves not only on dating websites, but in real life as well. You can be as pretty as you want, but if you're too careless to put together a sentence or type like a human in complete sentences that actually make sense, why should I -- as an English instructor, especially -- devote my time to deciphering your babble?
Immediate Dismissal #17: "Ass pics/borderline nude: show some fucking class"
I don't really think any explanation is necessary here, either. Said behavior reeks of absolute desperation. It's also hilarious though, on some level, to see said pics by someone who is a mother of at least two children and/or an otherwise uptight-sounding religious nut.
Immediate Dismissal #18: "Hiding the face/using pics that aren't even of people"
Absolute dealbreaker in my book. Put up a clear picture of yourself. Always. Make sure it's a good one. If you don't, I immediately think you're hiding something. Possibly a penis. Yes, that's where my mind goes first. Tell me yours didn't just go there too. Tell me it won't go there the next time you see someone whose profile picture is a cartoon character.
Immediate Dismissal #19: The term "I listen to everything." No the fuck you don't, have some form of a fucking opinion on something.
Mind you, Adam is a musician/record label owner/former record company rep/promoter/etc. So this sort of thing bothers him a lot. It doesn't bother me as much as it probably should, though. This is usually a phrase people say when they don't want to offend or scare anyone off with their musical preferences, or conversely, when they're so boring that they don't have musical preferences.
Those are all the ones I have right now. Special thanks to my buddy Adam for adding those last ones there. Maybe eventually I'll add more to the list. I'll certainly keep these posts going if I get more suggestions from you folks, that's for sure.
* Except for The Incredibles. Because that is a fantastic film.
Immediate Dismissal #5: "I have a snake!"
Two of my friends objected to this one, including my good friend April, so I feel I must elaborate: guys with snakes generally tend to be pretty cool, if a bit weird. Women, however, who own snakes? They tend to be scary.
This is, I admit, probably my most shallow immediate dismissal because it's based on tendencies alone.
Immediate Dismissal #6: If the words "crazy," "bitch," or both appear in your username.
Not only will I run away, but I will run away screaming. Why, oh why, would you want to handicap yourself from the start, ladies? Are either or both of those terms attributes you want potential suitors to see right off the bat?
Immediate Dismissal #7: If you talk about your dead children in your profile.
I'm going to take some heat for this one, I'm sure, but I read no less than three profiles on Plenty of Fish in the past 24 hours that explained (sometimes in detail) that they were mothers whose children had died at an early age, sometimes infants. All three of them were much, much younger than me. Now, this is not a problem on principle; I want to make that clear. Of course it's not. My heart goes out to these young ladies who have lost children, and I absolutely feel sympathy for them and can't imagine the pain they must have gone through in losing a child.
That being said, when you're creating a dating profile, for what possible conceivable reason would you want to mention that, much less have it be one of the first things a potential suitor would see? There's "being an open book," and then there's "sharing way too much too soon." It's nice to be up front about things, but there's a time and a place for it, isn't there? Is that not more of a fact you bring up on a second or third date once you get to know someone better, regardless of how much you may be haunted by said child's death?
Maybe that's just me.
Immediate Dismissal #8: If you describe your sexual preference as "STRICKLY DICKLY."
Say it in Ned Flanders' voice.
Yes, I did see this on a profile this afternoon.
Need I really explain further?
Immediate Dismissal #9: If the suffix "-holic" is anywhere in your username or profile.
Generally a good reason to run away. Especially if said suffix is in the username. It's not usually a good sign. I don't care if it's chocoholic, shopaholic, or what have you, it's still generally not a good sign.
This probably sounds fairly shallow as well, doesn't it?
Immediate Dismissal #10: If the "six things I could never live without" section of your profile are the letters "C, H, R, I, S, and T."
I really don't have anything against people of faith. I don't. Really don't. I'm glad you have something to hold on to, something to grasp to get you through the tough times. And I respect that; even though it's a mindset I may never fully understand, I do respect it highly.
But if you have nothing but your faith? No other hobbies or interests, nothing you could even be bothered to be creative enough to list in a "six things I could never live without" section? That bothers me for some reason. It bothers me on an intellectual level, on a social level. You could've listed anything -- cell phone, makeup, music, car, pets, etc -- but you didn't. This just shows me that you must be a wholly one-dimensional person, or that you're looking for a one-dimensional person. At least that's the impression it gives me, anyhow. Maybe I'm wrong, but regardless, unless you find someone of your exact mindset, it's not a good impression it gives off. We get it, your faith is important to you. What else is?
Immediate Dismissal #11: If your profile picture is of you drunk and grinning while holding a bottle of alcohol I cannot afford.
My friend Adam chimed in to comment on this one: "It's okay to have ONE of many, but not the main one. There's my stance on it." I'm inclined to agree with him. Everyone has at least one picture of him/herself while drunk. I have many, scattered all over my Facebook, some while wearing a Superman costume (don't ask, seriously). Do I upload any of those pictures to my dating site profiles? No. Hell no. And even if I were to do so, they certainly wouldn't be made into my main profile picture. That just screams low-class.
Immediate Dismissal #12: If, in any of your photos, there is a Taylor Swift *tapestry* hanging on your wall.
No explanation should be necessary.
Posters are fine, though they'll make me arch an eyebrow if they're questionable. This was a full-blown tapestry. As in, a woven one. Like a rug. Rug art. That, my friends, shows devotion. Devotion to poor decor, that is.
And besides, Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!
The rest of these come from my friend Adam. I tend to agree with most of them. The wording is his, not mine. The explanations, however, are.
Immediate Dismissal #13: "Undisclosed body type"
I don't necessarily have a problem with this, but then again I don't really have a problem with any body type. I have my preferences, but they're meaningless if the soul of a person isn't lovable to begin with.
Immediate Dismissal #14: "Extreme angles on pics"
I'm guessing he means something along the lines of the typical "MySpace profile photo" where the camera is held at arm's length at an angle? Something like that? It's not necessarily a turnoff, but it does show a lack of creativity.
Immediate Dismissal #15: "Anything fucking Disney related"
Hah, I sort of agree with him on this one.*
Immediate Dismissal #16: "Not using full words/texting-style sentences"
This is one of my biggest pet peeves not only on dating websites, but in real life as well. You can be as pretty as you want, but if you're too careless to put together a sentence or type like a human in complete sentences that actually make sense, why should I -- as an English instructor, especially -- devote my time to deciphering your babble?
Immediate Dismissal #17: "Ass pics/borderline nude: show some fucking class"
I don't really think any explanation is necessary here, either. Said behavior reeks of absolute desperation. It's also hilarious though, on some level, to see said pics by someone who is a mother of at least two children and/or an otherwise uptight-sounding religious nut.
Immediate Dismissal #18: "Hiding the face/using pics that aren't even of people"
Absolute dealbreaker in my book. Put up a clear picture of yourself. Always. Make sure it's a good one. If you don't, I immediately think you're hiding something. Possibly a penis. Yes, that's where my mind goes first. Tell me yours didn't just go there too. Tell me it won't go there the next time you see someone whose profile picture is a cartoon character.
Immediate Dismissal #19: The term "I listen to everything." No the fuck you don't, have some form of a fucking opinion on something.
Mind you, Adam is a musician/record label owner/former record company rep/promoter/etc. So this sort of thing bothers him a lot. It doesn't bother me as much as it probably should, though. This is usually a phrase people say when they don't want to offend or scare anyone off with their musical preferences, or conversely, when they're so boring that they don't have musical preferences.
Those are all the ones I have right now. Special thanks to my buddy Adam for adding those last ones there. Maybe eventually I'll add more to the list. I'll certainly keep these posts going if I get more suggestions from you folks, that's for sure.
* Except for The Incredibles. Because that is a fantastic film.
Immediate Dismissals
Watch this video. It sums up my thoughts on OkCupid (OkC) and Plenty of Fish (PoF):
I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
Yep.
While talking to my friend Zedral tonight -- and becoming more bitter and jaded by the minute with said sites, I started putting together a list of "immediate dismissals." An "immediate dismissal" consists of a quality or characteristic that, well, immediately makes me dismiss someone and classify them as "un-date-able." It's basically a list of "hard no's" that play, in my mind, like a record scratch and send me running off screaming in the opposite direction. Figuratively speaking.
Perhaps this is a bit shallow of me.
Perhaps I'm just disgusted and ready to drink myself into a stupor over receiving the same search results of the same, damaged (or otherwise deranged) people every day.
Perhaps it's both.
Perhaps I'm sick of all of my best "matches" (meaning, in my mind, the people I would probably get along with best and/or actually find attractive) being over 200 miles away and/or they're not looking for anyone in my age range.
Perhaps it's all three! Joy of joys.
Ahem. Anyway. So I started a list of "immediate dismissals." Zedral and I found them hilarious. Here we go.
Immediate Dismissal #1: You have the word "princess" anywhere in your profile, username, photos, etc.
You are not special. You are not a princess. You are a normal person just like everyone else in the midwest. Calling yourself a "princess" in any way, shape, or form portrays a grand, false sense of entitlement in your life. Sorry, you're not entitled to shit. Get a job. It's even more disheartening to find someone who calls herself a "princess" yet has three children by the age of nineteen and still expects someone to swoop in and be their daddy, because "I deserve it, I'm a princess!" Grow up, get a job, learn how to make better decisions.
Immediate Dismissal #2: You're nineteen and have three kids.
I'm sorry if this makes me sound more shallow than usual, but if your profile says you're nineteen and you have three kids, and the oldest one is six, that tells me that you were having sex at the age of twelve or thirteen, depending on when your birthday is -- and while you may now be grown up and/or more mature than most nineteen-year-olds out there, apparently you weren't intelligent enough to learn from your first mistake and had two more. I'm not interested in someone ten years younger than me with three kids. I'm just not. That's sort of a dealbreaker for me. You're still a baby yourself! A baby! I was older than you are now when I lost my virginity! Ahem. Moving onward.
Immediate Dismissal #3: You have the terms "YOLO" or "Call Me Maybe" anywhere in your profile, username, photos, etc.
Be original. Be yourself. Stop referencing stupid songs or catchphrases. It shows a lack of creativity and a wealth of immaturity.
Immediate Dismissal #4: You mention your religion and how important it is to you within the first fifty words of your profile.
Next. No more explanation needed. Next. You'll try to convert and/or "save" me. Next. No one that religious isn't going to drive me up the wall and/or end up hating me within five minutes of talking to me. Again, next.
Other huge red flags:
These next few things were found on actual profiles from Plenty of Fish or OkCupid. They disturb me so much that I couldn't help myself from putting them on here as examples of things NOT to do. So here we go.
"Hi my name is [redacted] i am 21 i am a christian and am very serious about that. I try to base my life around that"
See #4 above.
"I am so much more than meets the eye"
You're a Transformer?
"Lookin for my Redneck Romeo"
No, just...no.
"I like to go out and be outdoors when it is warmer out. i got my hunters education license"
Translation: "I will probably shoot you if you piss me off."
Those are just a few samples.
To be fair, I have included the full text of my Plenty of Fish profile below. It's brutally honest. Zedral thought it was hilarious. I share it with you now.
Yeah, so there you go. That's my entire profile there. And I chose an actual decent photo of myself. So yes, I'm honest. I'm honest to a fault. And, of course, I have not had anyone message me yet, and don't really expect anyone to, as you read above.
I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
Yep.
While talking to my friend Zedral tonight -- and becoming more bitter and jaded by the minute with said sites, I started putting together a list of "immediate dismissals." An "immediate dismissal" consists of a quality or characteristic that, well, immediately makes me dismiss someone and classify them as "un-date-able." It's basically a list of "hard no's" that play, in my mind, like a record scratch and send me running off screaming in the opposite direction. Figuratively speaking.
Perhaps this is a bit shallow of me.
Perhaps I'm just disgusted and ready to drink myself into a stupor over receiving the same search results of the same, damaged (or otherwise deranged) people every day.
Perhaps it's both.
Perhaps I'm sick of all of my best "matches" (meaning, in my mind, the people I would probably get along with best and/or actually find attractive) being over 200 miles away and/or they're not looking for anyone in my age range.
Perhaps it's all three! Joy of joys.
Ahem. Anyway. So I started a list of "immediate dismissals." Zedral and I found them hilarious. Here we go.
Immediate Dismissal #1: You have the word "princess" anywhere in your profile, username, photos, etc.
You are not special. You are not a princess. You are a normal person just like everyone else in the midwest. Calling yourself a "princess" in any way, shape, or form portrays a grand, false sense of entitlement in your life. Sorry, you're not entitled to shit. Get a job. It's even more disheartening to find someone who calls herself a "princess" yet has three children by the age of nineteen and still expects someone to swoop in and be their daddy, because "I deserve it, I'm a princess!" Grow up, get a job, learn how to make better decisions.
Immediate Dismissal #2: You're nineteen and have three kids.
I'm sorry if this makes me sound more shallow than usual, but if your profile says you're nineteen and you have three kids, and the oldest one is six, that tells me that you were having sex at the age of twelve or thirteen, depending on when your birthday is -- and while you may now be grown up and/or more mature than most nineteen-year-olds out there, apparently you weren't intelligent enough to learn from your first mistake and had two more. I'm not interested in someone ten years younger than me with three kids. I'm just not. That's sort of a dealbreaker for me. You're still a baby yourself! A baby! I was older than you are now when I lost my virginity! Ahem. Moving onward.
Immediate Dismissal #3: You have the terms "YOLO" or "Call Me Maybe" anywhere in your profile, username, photos, etc.
Be original. Be yourself. Stop referencing stupid songs or catchphrases. It shows a lack of creativity and a wealth of immaturity.
Immediate Dismissal #4: You mention your religion and how important it is to you within the first fifty words of your profile.
Next. No more explanation needed. Next. You'll try to convert and/or "save" me. Next. No one that religious isn't going to drive me up the wall and/or end up hating me within five minutes of talking to me. Again, next.
Other huge red flags:
These next few things were found on actual profiles from Plenty of Fish or OkCupid. They disturb me so much that I couldn't help myself from putting them on here as examples of things NOT to do. So here we go.
"Hi my name is [redacted] i am 21 i am a christian and am very serious about that. I try to base my life around that"
See #4 above.
"I am so much more than meets the eye"
You're a Transformer?
"Lookin for my Redneck Romeo"
No, just...no.
"I like to go out and be outdoors when it is warmer out. i got my hunters education license"
Translation: "I will probably shoot you if you piss me off."
Those are just a few samples.
To be fair, I have included the full text of my Plenty of Fish profile below. It's brutally honest. Zedral thought it was hilarious. I share it with you now.
About Me
Single white writer. College instructor. Blogger. Poet. Nerd.
Part-time hipster. Liberal. Tie-dye enthusiast. Beer snob. Professional
beard-grower. Pokemon Master. Reader of fine comic books. Caffeine
addict. Nicotine addict. Podcast addict. Father to three cats. Five Guys
lover. Driver of what Geico classifies as a "sports car." Papa Johns
frequent customer. Led Zeppelin fan. Steelers/Chiefs/Eagles fan. WVU
football supporter. Probably more narcissistic than I should be. Hate
being called stupid or a redneck just because I'm from West Virginia.
Oh, yes, I'm originally from West Virginia.
There's a lot more to me than that. Ask me. Seriously. This is a poor summary, and I consider myself a multifaceted person. So, if I haven't scared you off by the fact that I'm a poor, grad student nerd who lives alone, has three cats, and rarely leaves the house because he doesn't know anyone in town, then message me. Talk to me. Get to know me. I promise I'm worth it.
I'm almost thirty. I'm too old and too mature for the whole "dating scene." I despise it. I want to get to know someone well, by talking to them via IM or email or what-have-you before I fully let them into my life (read: before a real "date"). IM is preferred. I'm more eloquent in text, and tend to be really awkward and somewhat shy when meeting someone for the first time. Getting to know someone first definitely helps.
I smoke cigarettes. I'm trying to quit in a halfhearted fashion. If you can't deal with that, I'm sorry, ladies.
If you're allergic to cats, I'm also sorry. As I said before, I have three of them. They are my children. They love me and sleep with me. Most furniture in my house is covered with a thin layer of cat hair. Though I vacuum frequently, there ARE three of them.
I'm not looking for casual sex or a one-night stand or an open relationship or anything else of that sort. I'm big on monogamy. I want to settle down and be happy. That's all I've wanted out of life. I am a devoted, kind-hearted guy and I have a strong sense of honor and moral code.
I am also not religious. At all. And don't want to be. I am a life-long atheist. Don't try to "convert" or "save" me. It won't work and it's a major turn-off/red flag for me. Despite that, I will and do respect whatever religion you may happen to be. It doesn't bother me.
Along the same lines, though, if you're one of those "no sex before marriage" types, you might as well move along. While I would love to get married at some point over the next few years if I find the right person, sexual compatibility in a relationship is very important to me. And, really, it should be to you too. This may be bible-belt Kansas, but also please realize that this is the 21st century, not the 19th. Be realistic.
I don't really drink. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I'm not going to let that happen to me. I do, however, like beer. I don't drink it that much, but I do like it quite a bit. I drink a beer maybe once or twice a month.
If you've made it through my profile without cringing more than three times, congratulations. We'd probably get along well. Shoot me a message.
There's a lot more to me than that. Ask me. Seriously. This is a poor summary, and I consider myself a multifaceted person. So, if I haven't scared you off by the fact that I'm a poor, grad student nerd who lives alone, has three cats, and rarely leaves the house because he doesn't know anyone in town, then message me. Talk to me. Get to know me. I promise I'm worth it.
I'm almost thirty. I'm too old and too mature for the whole "dating scene." I despise it. I want to get to know someone well, by talking to them via IM or email or what-have-you before I fully let them into my life (read: before a real "date"). IM is preferred. I'm more eloquent in text, and tend to be really awkward and somewhat shy when meeting someone for the first time. Getting to know someone first definitely helps.
I smoke cigarettes. I'm trying to quit in a halfhearted fashion. If you can't deal with that, I'm sorry, ladies.
If you're allergic to cats, I'm also sorry. As I said before, I have three of them. They are my children. They love me and sleep with me. Most furniture in my house is covered with a thin layer of cat hair. Though I vacuum frequently, there ARE three of them.
I'm not looking for casual sex or a one-night stand or an open relationship or anything else of that sort. I'm big on monogamy. I want to settle down and be happy. That's all I've wanted out of life. I am a devoted, kind-hearted guy and I have a strong sense of honor and moral code.
I am also not religious. At all. And don't want to be. I am a life-long atheist. Don't try to "convert" or "save" me. It won't work and it's a major turn-off/red flag for me. Despite that, I will and do respect whatever religion you may happen to be. It doesn't bother me.
Along the same lines, though, if you're one of those "no sex before marriage" types, you might as well move along. While I would love to get married at some point over the next few years if I find the right person, sexual compatibility in a relationship is very important to me. And, really, it should be to you too. This may be bible-belt Kansas, but also please realize that this is the 21st century, not the 19th. Be realistic.
I don't really drink. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I'm not going to let that happen to me. I do, however, like beer. I don't drink it that much, but I do like it quite a bit. I drink a beer maybe once or twice a month.
If you've made it through my profile without cringing more than three times, congratulations. We'd probably get along well. Shoot me a message.
First Date
As I am a poor graduate student, my ideal first date would be
you sitting on my couch with me watching a movie (or I suppose I could
hook up my Xbox in the living room) and relaxing, getting to know one
another. Or sitting outside on my balcony and just
talking/smoking/having a beer. Or something along these lines, really. I
don't get out much, bars supremely bore me, and most movies these days
suck. Well, maybe most don't suck. Some do. I tend to like the nerdy
ones. Which I'm sure by this point you have already assumed.
Anyway.
At least I'm honest. Ahem, one at a time, ladies.
Note the dripping sarcasm there. I don't expect anyone to message me through this site, really.
You're probably not going to message me either, are you?
Doooo it. I dare you. Double-dog-dare you. Dooooo it.
Anyway.
At least I'm honest. Ahem, one at a time, ladies.
Note the dripping sarcasm there. I don't expect anyone to message me through this site, really.
You're probably not going to message me either, are you?
Doooo it. I dare you. Double-dog-dare you. Dooooo it.
Yeah, so there you go. That's my entire profile there. And I chose an actual decent photo of myself. So yes, I'm honest. I'm honest to a fault. And, of course, I have not had anyone message me yet, and don't really expect anyone to, as you read above.
Let's see what happens, cap'n.
[edit] I know some people will probably take offense to a post like this (no, Daisy, I'm not talking about you). If you do take offense to it? Lighten up. I'm trying to be funny. It's called me trying to make light of a really shitty situation by joking about it. People do that sometimes.
[edit] I know some people will probably take offense to a post like this (no, Daisy, I'm not talking about you). If you do take offense to it? Lighten up. I'm trying to be funny. It's called me trying to make light of a really shitty situation by joking about it. People do that sometimes.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Recent Visitors, Part II
Daisy and I are going to remain friends. Close friends, I'd imagine, but that's it. Yep.
I'm strangely okay with this.
She and I both want different things out of life, out of interpersonal relationships and friendships, and that's perfectly fine. She is a sweetheart and a kind soul in a world full of mostly horrible people, and I am immensely lucky to have found a friend like her via OkCupid, of all places. The site itself continues to be mostly a cesspool of wailing despair, but at least I've been able to make a few friends through it -- Daisy, of course, being one of them.
I'm happy enough, really. And so is she. We'll be great friends, and nothing else. Fine by me.
So, as I mentioned on Twitter earlier, well, it looks like I'm back to square one. Oh well. Like I said, I'm okay with that. Roll with the punches, big guy. Same as it ever was.
In other news, I did get paid on Friday. Finally. I now have enough money to pay the rent....and then I'm broke again. Yep. I have $593 in my bank account right now. The rent is $525. So I'll be left with $68 to my name until I get paid again on July 6. But, on the plus side, my bills will all be paid, and I'll survive.
I also paid my car insurance with my "emergency" credit card. I did that yesterday. I won't have to worry about that again for a while, at least. And, when I did pay it, I changed the payment plan from two payments a year to four. It won't let you change said payment plan until you pay your balance due, but I figured that it would be much easier to make four payments a year than two during the worst two months of the year for my finances -- December and June.
My friends are worried about me, worried about me having enough to eat, enough to survive on. They've told me as much. Some have told me several times. I put a lot of effort into calming their fears, actually. I'll be okay. I have some money. Not a lot, but some. And when I need food and food-like things, I'll get those things. No worries. It may suck for the next ten days or so, but I'll get by, folks. After that I'm good. No reason to worry about me. I'm a hardy individual. I will actually probably need to go get a few things later tonight of tomorrow (I am out of cat litter and coffee, two very important things).
This next week should be a fairly quiet one. I don't have a lot to cover in my class with my students, and I'm collecting their second set of papers to grade. Tomorrow night, I have two big things I'm going to cover with them which should take ninety minutes, tops, and then I guess I'm done for the evening. It's a light week even in the syllabus, which is surprising.
I have but four weeks left with them, and the last night of class is devoted to the final exam. I like my students. They're sweet, mostly intelligent, and for the most part are doing an excellent job in the class. I respect students who can take a summer class and excel in it. Many of them are non-traditional students, or students looking to get a leg up on the rest of their college career(s). Some are in their 40s, some are married with children, some are current or former military, and some are just kids who really want to get the class out of the way in the summer. I like this. It's a good mix of personalities, a good mix of people in general.
Last night, before bed, slightly sleep-deprived-delusional and definitely fatigued from the heat, I created a half-assed profile on Plenty of Fish. If you've not heard of it, it's another free dating site (ugh, I hate the term "dating site" on principle), and it operates a lot differently from OkCupid. I'm not a big fan of its user interface -- in fact, I mostly hate it -- but eh. I would imagine there are people on there who aren't on OkCupid, so why not?
And then I see taglines like "cum be mah redneck romeo."
Yes, that's real.
Seriously.
What the hell is wrong with people in the midwest? I mean, as a whole. I am as non-judgmental as possible, really -- I pride myself on being non-judgmental -- but who puts that as their tagline? Seriously.
Maybe I'm just different than most other people.
Another tagline: "lookin for a grown ass man."
Um...
Yeah, you know what? I'm just not going to comment on that.
Another tagline: "if you aint black, dont holla back"
In Kansas, quite possibly the whitest state in the union. Good luck with that.
Is it any surprise that I lose a little bit more faith in humanity every day? Not much, not a lot -- just a little.
I'll probably eventually delete the Plenty of Fish profile. The site leaves a lot to be desired, and it seems to be populated with society's rejects.
Yes, I fully realize that I am also one of society's rejects to a certain extent. But at least I can string together complete sentences, am furthering my education, and while I may not have a lot of money or a fancy car, I can and do get by pretty well.
"I'm chatting with a really cute girl on OkCupid right now," I told Andrea. "If only she could string together a sentence. Arrgh."
I paused for a moment before adding, "See what I said earlier? Cesspool. Wailing despair."
"There's someone out there in that cesspool for you," Andrea replied.
"That may be the sweetest thing I've heard all day," I said.
I love my sister. She can always put things into perspective for me.
I'm strangely okay with this.
She and I both want different things out of life, out of interpersonal relationships and friendships, and that's perfectly fine. She is a sweetheart and a kind soul in a world full of mostly horrible people, and I am immensely lucky to have found a friend like her via OkCupid, of all places. The site itself continues to be mostly a cesspool of wailing despair, but at least I've been able to make a few friends through it -- Daisy, of course, being one of them.
I'm happy enough, really. And so is she. We'll be great friends, and nothing else. Fine by me.
So, as I mentioned on Twitter earlier, well, it looks like I'm back to square one. Oh well. Like I said, I'm okay with that. Roll with the punches, big guy. Same as it ever was.
In other news, I did get paid on Friday. Finally. I now have enough money to pay the rent....and then I'm broke again. Yep. I have $593 in my bank account right now. The rent is $525. So I'll be left with $68 to my name until I get paid again on July 6. But, on the plus side, my bills will all be paid, and I'll survive.
I also paid my car insurance with my "emergency" credit card. I did that yesterday. I won't have to worry about that again for a while, at least. And, when I did pay it, I changed the payment plan from two payments a year to four. It won't let you change said payment plan until you pay your balance due, but I figured that it would be much easier to make four payments a year than two during the worst two months of the year for my finances -- December and June.
My friends are worried about me, worried about me having enough to eat, enough to survive on. They've told me as much. Some have told me several times. I put a lot of effort into calming their fears, actually. I'll be okay. I have some money. Not a lot, but some. And when I need food and food-like things, I'll get those things. No worries. It may suck for the next ten days or so, but I'll get by, folks. After that I'm good. No reason to worry about me. I'm a hardy individual. I will actually probably need to go get a few things later tonight of tomorrow (I am out of cat litter and coffee, two very important things).
This next week should be a fairly quiet one. I don't have a lot to cover in my class with my students, and I'm collecting their second set of papers to grade. Tomorrow night, I have two big things I'm going to cover with them which should take ninety minutes, tops, and then I guess I'm done for the evening. It's a light week even in the syllabus, which is surprising.
I have but four weeks left with them, and the last night of class is devoted to the final exam. I like my students. They're sweet, mostly intelligent, and for the most part are doing an excellent job in the class. I respect students who can take a summer class and excel in it. Many of them are non-traditional students, or students looking to get a leg up on the rest of their college career(s). Some are in their 40s, some are married with children, some are current or former military, and some are just kids who really want to get the class out of the way in the summer. I like this. It's a good mix of personalities, a good mix of people in general.
Last night, before bed, slightly sleep-deprived-delusional and definitely fatigued from the heat, I created a half-assed profile on Plenty of Fish. If you've not heard of it, it's another free dating site (ugh, I hate the term "dating site" on principle), and it operates a lot differently from OkCupid. I'm not a big fan of its user interface -- in fact, I mostly hate it -- but eh. I would imagine there are people on there who aren't on OkCupid, so why not?
And then I see taglines like "cum be mah redneck romeo."
Yes, that's real.
Seriously.
What the hell is wrong with people in the midwest? I mean, as a whole. I am as non-judgmental as possible, really -- I pride myself on being non-judgmental -- but who puts that as their tagline? Seriously.
Maybe I'm just different than most other people.
Another tagline: "lookin for a grown ass man."
Um...
Yeah, you know what? I'm just not going to comment on that.
Another tagline: "if you aint black, dont holla back"
In Kansas, quite possibly the whitest state in the union. Good luck with that.
Is it any surprise that I lose a little bit more faith in humanity every day? Not much, not a lot -- just a little.
I'll probably eventually delete the Plenty of Fish profile. The site leaves a lot to be desired, and it seems to be populated with society's rejects.
Yes, I fully realize that I am also one of society's rejects to a certain extent. But at least I can string together complete sentences, am furthering my education, and while I may not have a lot of money or a fancy car, I can and do get by pretty well.
"I'm chatting with a really cute girl on OkCupid right now," I told Andrea. "If only she could string together a sentence. Arrgh."
I paused for a moment before adding, "See what I said earlier? Cesspool. Wailing despair."
"There's someone out there in that cesspool for you," Andrea replied.
"That may be the sweetest thing I've heard all day," I said.
I love my sister. She can always put things into perspective for me.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Recent Visitors
That's as good of a title for this post as any, right?
Okay. I have a lot to write about, actually. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts.
Those of you who read my blog on a regular basis will realize that there are a few posts missing from this week, posts which were written, put on here, and have since been deleted. There's a reason for that, obviously, which I will get into more as this post goes on.
Truthfully, I find tricky situations hard to write about. Situations in which I'm not sure what to think. I tend not to write about those things, those situations, until everything has been hashed out and can come to a, ahem, natural conclusion. I have had a really strange week (and an even stranger past 36 hours or so), and I don't exactly know how to put a lot of my feelings into words, especially those of the past 36 hours. So. I will start, I suppose, and see what I can work my way through. Perhaps I'll surprise myself.
Those of you who have read this blog over the past week will know that I've been in contact with a girl I met on OkCupid, a girl who, in this blog's since-deleted posts, I gave the codename of Daisy. She and I became close rather quickly. That I will admit, and it is probably my fault. I tend to get close to people quickly. I like getting to know the ins and outs of a person. I like exploring another's mind, and letting them explore mine. All of this deep, mental exploration took place between the two of us over the course of eight days.
Daisy is a very, very sweet girl. I can't say that enough. She intrigues me, she fascinates me on multiple levels. Getting to know her, as I've told her this past week, is like putting together a metaphorical puzzle in my head. Everything I learn about her locks another piece of that puzzle into place. Getting to know someone on an intellectual level is soothing. It's sweet. It's interesting. It's something I like to do. It's something that is important to me, as in the past I've been, ahem, burned by not finding out as much as I can about a person that I may enter into a relationship with. While I have always been on OkCupid for social interaction and friend-making, yes, I am also on there to see if I can find that one person who will accept me as I am, with all my faults and foibles, with all of my extraneous problems (shitty car, very little money, hoping for the best after grad school, etc), the person who will tell me those things aren't important right now, or ever, because they want me.
On some level, because I have those hopes (as small as they may be, and getting smaller and smaller the more jaded and depressed I become with the caliber of people on that site most of the time) I open myself up a little too much too soon, I think. As most of you know, I am an open book about damn near anything. You ask me a question and I'll answer it truthfully. Honesty is important, and I have absolutely nothing to hide. Never have. What you see is what you get with me.
However.
As much as I don't like to admit it, I have changed a lot in the past year or so. From the end of my almost-seven-year relationship with my former girlfriend and subsequently adapting my lifestyle to living alone for the first time in my life (and learning how sad/lonely it is to come home every night to an empty house) to the brief, passionate, but ultimately disastrous relationship I had with Lady earlier this year -- all of it has made me a bit more guarded when it comes to matters of the heart. As open as I am, as friendly and honest as I am, and as close as I'll get to anyone who allows me to, there's always a part of me now who will metaphorically hold someone at arm's length. It's not because I don't trust said person -- most of the time I implicitly trust everyone until proven that I shouldn't -- but it's because I've been hurt and burned in the past if I don't. Call it a defense mechanism, call it what you will, but most of the time I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. Instead, it is under chains, lock and key, in my chest.
With Daisy, for some reason, it was a bit different. I wasn't as cautious or guarded. I didn't feel that I needed to be. She's fun, she's sweet, endlessly inquisitive and intriguing, and multifaceted to a level where I'm not sure I could figure her out entirely given the rest of my life to do so. These are all positives, mind you. She said our interactions are almost like she's my research project, the one that I endlessly try to understand fully. To a certain extent, she's right. She's still right. And over the course of the past...nine days now, the more we talked, the more we interacted (including a six-and-a-half-hour video call on Skype on Friday night, and a three-hour one last night) the more I could see myself with her. The more I became comfortable with the idea. The more I began to imagine us together, as a couple, as two people together. As much as that thought should have scared me, especially after everything I've been through in the past, it didn't. It soothed me. It was a good thought, a calming thought. There was a mutual attraction, a mutual infatuation, and for a brief time over these past nine days, we sort of solidified our attachment to one another. It wasn't given a definition, it wasn't labeled, it wasn't anything more than "yes, we want each other," and we both made note of it on our OkCupid profiles that our romantic interests were otherwise engaged, but we were both happy to make new friends. That's as far as it went.
I gave her the link to this blog earlier this week. She reads it a lot. She's told me that she wants to read it all, which on some level is very, very sweet and on another somewhat frightening to me as the writer of it, as I don't remember what I've written here since its revamp a year ago, and my mind can go to some pretty depressing, dark places at times. But, I thought, oh well. If she wants to get to know me, the REAL me, this blog is probably the best way for her to do so, for her to get inside my head and learn intimately what I've been through. Her mother and at least one sister wanted to read my blog as well, and she asked my permission if they could.
"Of course," I said. "Show it to anyone you want, dear; I'm not ashamed of it, or anything like that. If anything, if they're suspicious of my character or intentions, the blog should show them that I'm just a normal guy with nothing to hide. My own parents read the blog, regularly."
She told me last night that they'd read it, the latest posts anyway (which, ahem, have since been deleted) and that at least one or two friends had read it. She told me that her mother and sister had poked fun at her codename of "Daisy," which I found incredibly cute. She also said it seemed to allay any big apprehensions they had about me, in a way, since I was more than willing to let them read the blog. Well, yeah, of course. I don't mind it at all. It's like word therapy for me to write here; it lets me sort out all of my thoughts. Anyone who reads this blog for long enough will know exactly who I am as a person, inside and out. So yes, go nuts. I'm actually flattered that anyone's interested in what I write, really. I can at times be a pretty boring person.
Everything was going well. We were getting closer and closer, letting each other know one another's most intimate thoughts, having long, detailed conversations face-to-face (or as face-to-face as two people can do over Skype, anyhow). We told each other our life stories. I even told her about the times I'd seen UFOs (yes, this has happened, and I may write about it here at some point) and I never tell anyone those stories, despite how interesting they are. We were so comfortable and relaxed talking to one another, despite the distance between us -- 200 miles or so.
And then it sort of...fell apart? I don't know how to describe it, really.
I received this message from her last night, after we'd signed out of Skype, as I was getting ready to go to bed. Parts of it, of course, have been redacted to protect privacy. Obviously.
...No, you know what? I'm not going to quote any of it here. There's no reason to. I don't want to, and it wouldn't be right to do so. Those things are between us and are private.
Basically it was a very long message telling me that there was some sort of switch that flipped in her mind last night, a switch that once flipped told her that we weren't right for one another, that we shouldn't be together, that she had a strong flight instinct and that she was sorry, she didn't think she'd find what she did in me and...yeah, stuff like that.
It definitely took me by surprise, that's for sure.
I realized at that moment that I had not held Daisy at arm's length, staying guarded, but perhaps only at half arm's length. If that makes sense. Maybe a quarter arm's length. Slightly guarded but still open enough to let myself be hopeful, to let myself get a little hurt. Not a lot, just a little.
Daisy always told me that she lives in great fear of hurting anyone for any reason. She never wants to do it, she tries never to do it. She also admitted to me in her long message that she knew on some level it would hurt me and apologized profusely about that, saying that if I wanted to now cut her out of my life and not be friends anymore, she'd completely understand, etc.
Of course, I don't.
Truthfully I was more confused than anything else. To a large extent I still am, even though in that message and a few subsequent ones she's explained her thoughts as well as she can, with promises that we'll talk more about them tonight. I don't know if she's second-guessing herself, trying to run away, trying to figure herself out, or if we simply got too close too fast.
I did say this to her, and I will quote myself because it is, indeed, myself:
Truthfully, my head is a mess of thoughts right now. I don't know what Daisy wants, not entirely. I don't even know if she knows. I don't know what I expect our conversation tonight to entail. There are so, so many variables in play, especially when, in my head, I was beginning to get comfortable, beginning to think our a possible future with her, even if it was mostly (read: almost entirely) fantasy on my part. We'd discussed bits and pieces of it, things that could or may have happened were we to progress and explore things further. We talked about living situations, and where I may be in a year's time; she talked about how she had, on a whim (and if only briefly) looked up places to work in my area. We were at least thinking about these things, even if in a passive fashion. She could see herself with me as much as I could see myself with her. I know this because she told me, several times. I also know it because in her own journal (which I will not link to here, obviously) she wrote it herself.
I'm not sure if that makes things easier or more difficult to deal with, honestly.
Mainly because I don't know what happened.
I do know that Daisy is indecisive and flighty, and I accepted that from the beginning. Hell, she told me that herself, and I accepted it. It's endearing and cute. I also know that above all, she is honest -- sometimes painfully so. And she'd made a commitment to whatever "we" were, briefly, that she found that she couldn't uphold, whether it was something she wanted to uphold and couldn't or whether it was something she realized she out-and-out did not want. Perhaps she had what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity," and realized that we weren't going to work, or perhaps it was her indecision and flightiness kicking in again -- something she told me happens from time to time. Regardless, I don't know. I'm trying my best to, ahem, deal with it in the only ways I can. I'm not going to delete her from my life or anything like that, of course. For all I know, last night could've been a passing, fleeting flighty feeling (wow, say that three times fast). She is a sweet girl, a complex one, one who I realize that I am lucky to have in my life in any capacity, friend or otherwise. Even if she is over 200 miles away. I may try to "delete" former love interests out of my life, but I certainly don't delete friends or people who are important to me.
So really, I'm sort of torn. I'm not sure what to do, not sure what to say. My friend Zedral, who I've been friends with for about ten years, friended Daisy on Facebook this morning, and told me that if she wanted to talk, she'd be Daisy's listening ear. I relayed the message to Daisy as well. Few people know me better than Zedral, except for my parents and Andrea.
That's where things stand now. I guess I'll find out what'll happen, at some point, if anything.
I have an interesting life, don't I folks?
Okay. I have a lot to write about, actually. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts.
Those of you who read my blog on a regular basis will realize that there are a few posts missing from this week, posts which were written, put on here, and have since been deleted. There's a reason for that, obviously, which I will get into more as this post goes on.
Truthfully, I find tricky situations hard to write about. Situations in which I'm not sure what to think. I tend not to write about those things, those situations, until everything has been hashed out and can come to a, ahem, natural conclusion. I have had a really strange week (and an even stranger past 36 hours or so), and I don't exactly know how to put a lot of my feelings into words, especially those of the past 36 hours. So. I will start, I suppose, and see what I can work my way through. Perhaps I'll surprise myself.
Those of you who have read this blog over the past week will know that I've been in contact with a girl I met on OkCupid, a girl who, in this blog's since-deleted posts, I gave the codename of Daisy. She and I became close rather quickly. That I will admit, and it is probably my fault. I tend to get close to people quickly. I like getting to know the ins and outs of a person. I like exploring another's mind, and letting them explore mine. All of this deep, mental exploration took place between the two of us over the course of eight days.
Daisy is a very, very sweet girl. I can't say that enough. She intrigues me, she fascinates me on multiple levels. Getting to know her, as I've told her this past week, is like putting together a metaphorical puzzle in my head. Everything I learn about her locks another piece of that puzzle into place. Getting to know someone on an intellectual level is soothing. It's sweet. It's interesting. It's something I like to do. It's something that is important to me, as in the past I've been, ahem, burned by not finding out as much as I can about a person that I may enter into a relationship with. While I have always been on OkCupid for social interaction and friend-making, yes, I am also on there to see if I can find that one person who will accept me as I am, with all my faults and foibles, with all of my extraneous problems (shitty car, very little money, hoping for the best after grad school, etc), the person who will tell me those things aren't important right now, or ever, because they want me.
On some level, because I have those hopes (as small as they may be, and getting smaller and smaller the more jaded and depressed I become with the caliber of people on that site most of the time) I open myself up a little too much too soon, I think. As most of you know, I am an open book about damn near anything. You ask me a question and I'll answer it truthfully. Honesty is important, and I have absolutely nothing to hide. Never have. What you see is what you get with me.
However.
As much as I don't like to admit it, I have changed a lot in the past year or so. From the end of my almost-seven-year relationship with my former girlfriend and subsequently adapting my lifestyle to living alone for the first time in my life (and learning how sad/lonely it is to come home every night to an empty house) to the brief, passionate, but ultimately disastrous relationship I had with Lady earlier this year -- all of it has made me a bit more guarded when it comes to matters of the heart. As open as I am, as friendly and honest as I am, and as close as I'll get to anyone who allows me to, there's always a part of me now who will metaphorically hold someone at arm's length. It's not because I don't trust said person -- most of the time I implicitly trust everyone until proven that I shouldn't -- but it's because I've been hurt and burned in the past if I don't. Call it a defense mechanism, call it what you will, but most of the time I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. Instead, it is under chains, lock and key, in my chest.
With Daisy, for some reason, it was a bit different. I wasn't as cautious or guarded. I didn't feel that I needed to be. She's fun, she's sweet, endlessly inquisitive and intriguing, and multifaceted to a level where I'm not sure I could figure her out entirely given the rest of my life to do so. These are all positives, mind you. She said our interactions are almost like she's my research project, the one that I endlessly try to understand fully. To a certain extent, she's right. She's still right. And over the course of the past...nine days now, the more we talked, the more we interacted (including a six-and-a-half-hour video call on Skype on Friday night, and a three-hour one last night) the more I could see myself with her. The more I became comfortable with the idea. The more I began to imagine us together, as a couple, as two people together. As much as that thought should have scared me, especially after everything I've been through in the past, it didn't. It soothed me. It was a good thought, a calming thought. There was a mutual attraction, a mutual infatuation, and for a brief time over these past nine days, we sort of solidified our attachment to one another. It wasn't given a definition, it wasn't labeled, it wasn't anything more than "yes, we want each other," and we both made note of it on our OkCupid profiles that our romantic interests were otherwise engaged, but we were both happy to make new friends. That's as far as it went.
I gave her the link to this blog earlier this week. She reads it a lot. She's told me that she wants to read it all, which on some level is very, very sweet and on another somewhat frightening to me as the writer of it, as I don't remember what I've written here since its revamp a year ago, and my mind can go to some pretty depressing, dark places at times. But, I thought, oh well. If she wants to get to know me, the REAL me, this blog is probably the best way for her to do so, for her to get inside my head and learn intimately what I've been through. Her mother and at least one sister wanted to read my blog as well, and she asked my permission if they could.
"Of course," I said. "Show it to anyone you want, dear; I'm not ashamed of it, or anything like that. If anything, if they're suspicious of my character or intentions, the blog should show them that I'm just a normal guy with nothing to hide. My own parents read the blog, regularly."
She told me last night that they'd read it, the latest posts anyway (which, ahem, have since been deleted) and that at least one or two friends had read it. She told me that her mother and sister had poked fun at her codename of "Daisy," which I found incredibly cute. She also said it seemed to allay any big apprehensions they had about me, in a way, since I was more than willing to let them read the blog. Well, yeah, of course. I don't mind it at all. It's like word therapy for me to write here; it lets me sort out all of my thoughts. Anyone who reads this blog for long enough will know exactly who I am as a person, inside and out. So yes, go nuts. I'm actually flattered that anyone's interested in what I write, really. I can at times be a pretty boring person.
Everything was going well. We were getting closer and closer, letting each other know one another's most intimate thoughts, having long, detailed conversations face-to-face (or as face-to-face as two people can do over Skype, anyhow). We told each other our life stories. I even told her about the times I'd seen UFOs (yes, this has happened, and I may write about it here at some point) and I never tell anyone those stories, despite how interesting they are. We were so comfortable and relaxed talking to one another, despite the distance between us -- 200 miles or so.
And then it sort of...fell apart? I don't know how to describe it, really.
I received this message from her last night, after we'd signed out of Skype, as I was getting ready to go to bed. Parts of it, of course, have been redacted to protect privacy. Obviously.
...No, you know what? I'm not going to quote any of it here. There's no reason to. I don't want to, and it wouldn't be right to do so. Those things are between us and are private.
Basically it was a very long message telling me that there was some sort of switch that flipped in her mind last night, a switch that once flipped told her that we weren't right for one another, that we shouldn't be together, that she had a strong flight instinct and that she was sorry, she didn't think she'd find what she did in me and...yeah, stuff like that.
It definitely took me by surprise, that's for sure.
I realized at that moment that I had not held Daisy at arm's length, staying guarded, but perhaps only at half arm's length. If that makes sense. Maybe a quarter arm's length. Slightly guarded but still open enough to let myself be hopeful, to let myself get a little hurt. Not a lot, just a little.
Daisy always told me that she lives in great fear of hurting anyone for any reason. She never wants to do it, she tries never to do it. She also admitted to me in her long message that she knew on some level it would hurt me and apologized profusely about that, saying that if I wanted to now cut her out of my life and not be friends anymore, she'd completely understand, etc.
Of course, I don't.
Truthfully I was more confused than anything else. To a large extent I still am, even though in that message and a few subsequent ones she's explained her thoughts as well as she can, with promises that we'll talk more about them tonight. I don't know if she's second-guessing herself, trying to run away, trying to figure herself out, or if we simply got too close too fast.
I did say this to her, and I will quote myself because it is, indeed, myself:
That said, there will always be a part of me that will think that I've said or done something wrong here that screwed things up, even though I'm not sure whether I really have or not. Like I said, this is a bit of a sudden surprise, of course, when things were going so well (at least from what I could tell).
What happens now is up to you; if you want to remain friends, that's fine, and if not, that's fine too. I certainly don't want to shut you out of my life, or anything like that, unless that's what you want. And, indeed, if you truly do and don't want to say it, believe me, I understand. It's okay.
I wish I knew what else to say. I'm sorry too. Don't worry about it, [Daisy]; it's fine.
Truthfully, my head is a mess of thoughts right now. I don't know what Daisy wants, not entirely. I don't even know if she knows. I don't know what I expect our conversation tonight to entail. There are so, so many variables in play, especially when, in my head, I was beginning to get comfortable, beginning to think our a possible future with her, even if it was mostly (read: almost entirely) fantasy on my part. We'd discussed bits and pieces of it, things that could or may have happened were we to progress and explore things further. We talked about living situations, and where I may be in a year's time; she talked about how she had, on a whim (and if only briefly) looked up places to work in my area. We were at least thinking about these things, even if in a passive fashion. She could see herself with me as much as I could see myself with her. I know this because she told me, several times. I also know it because in her own journal (which I will not link to here, obviously) she wrote it herself.
I'm not sure if that makes things easier or more difficult to deal with, honestly.
Mainly because I don't know what happened.
I do know that Daisy is indecisive and flighty, and I accepted that from the beginning. Hell, she told me that herself, and I accepted it. It's endearing and cute. I also know that above all, she is honest -- sometimes painfully so. And she'd made a commitment to whatever "we" were, briefly, that she found that she couldn't uphold, whether it was something she wanted to uphold and couldn't or whether it was something she realized she out-and-out did not want. Perhaps she had what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity," and realized that we weren't going to work, or perhaps it was her indecision and flightiness kicking in again -- something she told me happens from time to time. Regardless, I don't know. I'm trying my best to, ahem, deal with it in the only ways I can. I'm not going to delete her from my life or anything like that, of course. For all I know, last night could've been a passing, fleeting flighty feeling (wow, say that three times fast). She is a sweet girl, a complex one, one who I realize that I am lucky to have in my life in any capacity, friend or otherwise. Even if she is over 200 miles away. I may try to "delete" former love interests out of my life, but I certainly don't delete friends or people who are important to me.
So really, I'm sort of torn. I'm not sure what to do, not sure what to say. My friend Zedral, who I've been friends with for about ten years, friended Daisy on Facebook this morning, and told me that if she wanted to talk, she'd be Daisy's listening ear. I relayed the message to Daisy as well. Few people know me better than Zedral, except for my parents and Andrea.
That's where things stand now. I guess I'll find out what'll happen, at some point, if anything.
I have an interesting life, don't I folks?
Monday, June 18, 2012
Quality Time
Four more days until I get paid. Sigh.
Yesterday and today have both been very hot in ye olde Newton, Kansas. It's barely afternoon now, and it's already 88 degrees. Last night, before I passed out, it was still 84 at 3AM. As I told my mother in an email this morning, I suppose summer's here. Ugh.
Don't get me wrong, I like summer. I do. Usually, it's pretty nice. Kansas summers, however, for the past two years running, have been awful. Any of you who live in the area will recall that last summer it was over 100 degrees for about ninety days in a row or something like that, with most days reaching 110 or so. If I wanted that, I may as well move to Arizona, New Mexico, or Texas.
And people say climate change isn't real, isn't happening. Sure it's not. Suuuure.
Vancouver is nice this time of year, right?
Ahem. Anyway.
I called home yesterday and wished my dad a happy Father's Day. I didn't mention to either of my parents (who both read this blog, actually -- sometimes more frequently than others) what I'd written here yesterday morning. I figured it was already stuff both of them knew anyway, and stuff that they'd either read or gloss over during this coming week regardless.
Tomorrow night, of course, I teach my one-night-a-week summer class. Tomorrow is the halfway point of the summer semester. The class ends on July 24, which is the night they'll turn in their last papers and take the final exam. I like teaching the class, yes, though at times it can be a pain in the ass. My students, for the most part, are incredibly attentive and hardworking. This I was able to discern yesterday morning when, after I finished my blog post here, I spent about two hours or so (since most of them were good, that's all it took) to grade through their first papers. I was impressed, really. Only a few of them weren't that great, but out of a class of 25? That's a great track record.
They'll receive their papers back tomorrow night. In 100-degree weather, in a stuffy room in Maize. Yaaaaay. Can't you just feel my enthusiasm about driving down there to teach in this heat? And I know, of course, it'll only get worse between now and the end of the summer semester.
Luckily, my car is filled with gas, and I was able to put more air in the tires (they're wearing out badly, and obviously I can't afford to replace them right now), so as long as I can keep the thing running and not blow any tires, I should be fine for the time being. My dad suggested I put fix-a-flat in the tire that keeps going low, to see if that helps. It might, but truthfully, it's just worn out. As I've said before, the car is a 1996 model, and as far as I know it may still have its original factory tires on it. They're not bald or anything; they have a decent amount of tread left, but they're really old and starting to dry-rot, I think. This is, of course, not good. I have to hope my luck holds out...and as you folks know, I tend to have fairly shitty luck most of the time.
In other news, OkCupid interactions seem to get more interesting by the day. I have made a few friends on there, but nothing more. There is one woman, however, who has definitely piqued my interest. Just one. I've mentioned her here before, briefly, in my last post. I am intrigued with her. She's one of the most fascinating, multifaceted people I've (n)ever met. Many layers to this one. Many things to observe, many things to get to know, to slowly glean from conversations and interactions. This is a new and very, very interesting situation, to be sure. However, we're not exactly close to one another distance-wise. Like, at all. Which makes the situation even more interesting by limiting it in scope for the time being. Perhaps sometimes, sometimes, normality is overrated. And sometimes, cautiousness must be mostly thrown to the wind in order to see things from all perspectives.
I realize I'm sounding cryptic. That's intentional.
So. That's about all that's going on right now. Looks like I can go back to sweating and drinking lots of ice water in order to keep some semblance of cool as the temperature keeps rising (keeps rising! at 5PM!) as we go into the evening hours.
Yesterday and today have both been very hot in ye olde Newton, Kansas. It's barely afternoon now, and it's already 88 degrees. Last night, before I passed out, it was still 84 at 3AM. As I told my mother in an email this morning, I suppose summer's here. Ugh.
Don't get me wrong, I like summer. I do. Usually, it's pretty nice. Kansas summers, however, for the past two years running, have been awful. Any of you who live in the area will recall that last summer it was over 100 degrees for about ninety days in a row or something like that, with most days reaching 110 or so. If I wanted that, I may as well move to Arizona, New Mexico, or Texas.
And people say climate change isn't real, isn't happening. Sure it's not. Suuuure.
Vancouver is nice this time of year, right?
Ahem. Anyway.
I called home yesterday and wished my dad a happy Father's Day. I didn't mention to either of my parents (who both read this blog, actually -- sometimes more frequently than others) what I'd written here yesterday morning. I figured it was already stuff both of them knew anyway, and stuff that they'd either read or gloss over during this coming week regardless.
Tomorrow night, of course, I teach my one-night-a-week summer class. Tomorrow is the halfway point of the summer semester. The class ends on July 24, which is the night they'll turn in their last papers and take the final exam. I like teaching the class, yes, though at times it can be a pain in the ass. My students, for the most part, are incredibly attentive and hardworking. This I was able to discern yesterday morning when, after I finished my blog post here, I spent about two hours or so (since most of them were good, that's all it took) to grade through their first papers. I was impressed, really. Only a few of them weren't that great, but out of a class of 25? That's a great track record.
They'll receive their papers back tomorrow night. In 100-degree weather, in a stuffy room in Maize. Yaaaaay. Can't you just feel my enthusiasm about driving down there to teach in this heat? And I know, of course, it'll only get worse between now and the end of the summer semester.
Luckily, my car is filled with gas, and I was able to put more air in the tires (they're wearing out badly, and obviously I can't afford to replace them right now), so as long as I can keep the thing running and not blow any tires, I should be fine for the time being. My dad suggested I put fix-a-flat in the tire that keeps going low, to see if that helps. It might, but truthfully, it's just worn out. As I've said before, the car is a 1996 model, and as far as I know it may still have its original factory tires on it. They're not bald or anything; they have a decent amount of tread left, but they're really old and starting to dry-rot, I think. This is, of course, not good. I have to hope my luck holds out...and as you folks know, I tend to have fairly shitty luck most of the time.
In other news, OkCupid interactions seem to get more interesting by the day. I have made a few friends on there, but nothing more. There is one woman, however, who has definitely piqued my interest. Just one. I've mentioned her here before, briefly, in my last post. I am intrigued with her. She's one of the most fascinating, multifaceted people I've (n)ever met. Many layers to this one. Many things to observe, many things to get to know, to slowly glean from conversations and interactions. This is a new and very, very interesting situation, to be sure. However, we're not exactly close to one another distance-wise. Like, at all. Which makes the situation even more interesting by limiting it in scope for the time being. Perhaps sometimes, sometimes, normality is overrated. And sometimes, cautiousness must be mostly thrown to the wind in order to see things from all perspectives.
I realize I'm sounding cryptic. That's intentional.
So. That's about all that's going on right now. Looks like I can go back to sweating and drinking lots of ice water in order to keep some semblance of cool as the temperature keeps rising (keeps rising! at 5PM!) as we go into the evening hours.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father's Day
So, it's Father's Day, I suppose? Yeah, I guess it is.
Eh.
Those of you who know me well know that I don't have a relationship with my father; he and I have not spoken in twenty years, though that wasn't of my choice (obviously). My parents divorced in 1987, my father remarried in 1989 and had three girls with his new wife -- only one of whom (my oldest sister, born in 1991) am I in contact with, and only via Facebook. I love my sisters, even though they've never really known me, but as for my father? Eh. He's never really been a part of my life for 2/3 of it at this point, for reasons pretty much unknown to me. I used to resent, when I was younger, the fact that he cut me out of his life, but over the past ten years or so I've become mostly indifferent to it. I'll probably never know truly why he did, nor does it really matter to me -- I still grew up, I still became a respectable, well-rounded, normal guy with no real issues and no real need for him to be in my life anyway -- though there are multiple, myriad reasons for that.
My "dad," the man who raised me, has been my mother's partner for almost twenty years. The two of them have never married, but he took on the father-figure role in my life early, though that was never his intention -- in fact, he's told me that he never tried to be a father to me, never set rules with me or made waves because he knew he wasn't my father (and more than likely, didn't want me to see him as domineering or actively trying to fill that role), and that's true. He really didn't; he didn't see it as his "place" to do so. Instead, I took him on as a father figure, as a dad, because I wanted to. I looked up to him. I admired him. I still do, very much. My "dad" has been more of a father to me than anyone else ever could have been. It is from him who I have garnered my sense of humor, my love of comics (and continued love of reading in general) and my interest in music -- as well as my interest in playing it. He taught me how to build and fix computers, and taught me the ins and outs of the internet in its very early years. If I ever had a "guy problem" I could ask him about it, and always receive an honest answer. He taught me how to be a good person, a caring person, and an upstanding man just as much as my mother did, even if he doesn't think so or is supremely humbled by that thought when I've told him that's the case. I have more love and respect for my dad than he, or most people, will ever know. I've been lucky in this respect; many others have not had it so lucky if their biological father hasn't been present in their lives. I could've had it much worse. I will, of course, be calling him this morning to tell him happy Father's Day.
Father's Day also fills me with other thoughts as well. I'll be turning thirty this year. It is not something that I particularly look forward to. Most people have some sort of dramatic life shift when they turn thirty. I always thought (or at least, always hoped) that by the time I was thirty I would be married and would be a father myself. I never thought that was too lofty of a goal, though by my mid-twenties I realized that it would be -- my girlfriend in my mid-20s (now ex, obviously) never wanted to get married, and absolutely never wanted any kids, ever, everever. Because of this, and because I loved her, I put aside both of those desires for the duration of our relationship. It was the only thing I could do, really, if I wanted to be with her -- and at the time I did. This was, perhaps, a mistake on my part. Not staying together for as long as we did, of course (I don't really assign blame there on either party, really), but trying to lie to myself that these things weren't important to me in the grand scheme of things. It was only later, after we broke up, that I realized what I'd suppressed for the more than six years I was with her -- especially once I saw my friends getting happily married and happily having children. Instead of feeling happy for them, feeling congratulatory, I just felt depressed, sad for myself that I'd wasted so much time not doing what I wanted to do with my life, what I really wanted to do.
That part, of course, is my fault. My ex once asked me the question of why, if I felt the way I did, why did I stay with her?
Because I loved you, I replied.
Love will make you do some really strange things. It'll make you sacrifice a lot of things you once held dear, or put those things on the back burner and not think about them in favor of looking at all the positives of a situation. Despite being a borderline pessimist about many, many things, I've always been an optimist when it comes to relationships. The good outweighs the bad in most cases. In the case of that ex, there wasn't a whole lot of bad (when we were happy, that is), so I focused on the good and overlooked or ignored everything else.
When it came to Lady? I thought I was going to marry her.
I'm not kidding when I say that. We'd talked about it. A lot. We'd planned our future together. I'd planned where I was going to go and what I was going to do with my life after grad school around the best places to go, work, and start our family. We were both all for it and couldn't wait; I wrote about those possible moves/places here on the blog. I did not, of course, mention anything about why I was making those plans, though to most people who knew us (like Andrea and Shainna, and more than likely my parents) it was pretty obvious that those were the reasons behind my/our plans. I was planning to propose shortly after the new year, and we'd already gone to look at and price rings twice; once in West Virginia when she was there with me over Spring Break, and again on Easter Weekend. Again, not kidding.
When the relationship with Lady dissolved, obviously I was heartbroken. It was incredibly hard for me to process; I was in shock more than anything else. And not shock like "wow, that came out of nowhere, I'm surprised!" No, the kind of shock people's bodies go into after a grievous injury. That's why I waited so long to really talk about it or write about it here. I didn't know what to think, or even, really, how I felt aside from suddenly sad and directionless. Something like that really messes with your psyche whether you want it to or not. It makes you question everything about yourself, makes you wonder if there's something wrong with you. Lady and my other ex were the only two serious relationships I've ever had in my life, and both relationships ended because the women involved left me, decided that they were done with me. Therefore, I can't help but wonder if I am somehow fundamentally flawed or broken in a way that I can't see myself, but others can. Those are the kinds of questions that will keep a man awake in the middle of the night.
I know everyone goes through stuff like this, though -- I'm not in the least unique in that regard -- especially by my age. Most experience it at a younger age, though, and can easily shrug it off or forget about it by the time they find someone else to begin dating. I'm so inexperienced in dealing with real relationships, though; I've only had two when most people I know have had five, ten, or more by my age (unless they married their first true love). Does it build character to have experiences like this? Possibly. Who knows. Most would probably say yes. But do I want to build character from horribly depressing experiences? No, of course not. I'd much rather build it from positive ones. Wouldn't most people?
That's not always how it goes though, is it? And that's the sad part.
Again, in a perfect world, in my mind, by the time I approached age thirty I figured I'd be happily married with children, and I figured that my kids would be waking me up this morning with some goofy/sappy homemade card and an attempt at breakfast in bed. That's why days like Father's Day are a little bittersweet to me. I know now that I'll at least be 35 by the time this may actually happen (y'know, to give the kids time to actually comprehend actions like this), and that's if it started now. Which, despite my optimism and hopes, I don't think it will. I tend to leave the past in the past as much as possible and not dwell on it, but it's days like today where I think back and wonder how different my life would be had I found someone in high school, married her shortly thereafter, and started a family then. My kids would be ten or eleven now. Yeah. I'm old. I am officially old.
That's also reasons why my profile on OkCupid says things like this:
That's the truth, folks. I don't think I could be more honest than that.
That being said, I have started a conversation with a sweet, interesting girl on that site within the past day or two. Apparently some people do still reply to messages on there. Amazing, no? I am incredibly intrigued and fascinated with her, which is good. I like intrigue and fascination. The problem? She is about 200 miles away to the north (I don't remember how far, to be honest; I try to ignore the "miles" thing on OkCupid because most of the time it's just fucking depressing; there's really nobody around here), which would make, well, actually meeting up really difficult, especially since my car would most assuredly half-explode before it got across the Kansas state line. I love my Monte Carlo, but as you folks know, she's not in the best shape, and that's putting it mildly. Said girl also lives with her parents (but has her reasons) and she works a lot as well, so that makes things a little more difficult too. Despite all of these odds, I still remain optimistic.
On that note, most of the rest of my day will be spent grading my students' papers, as I need to get those done before class on Tuesday night (I told them I'd have them graded and back to them then, which may have been a mistake on my part). Oh well. Part of my job, I suppose.
I will, of course, keep you folks updated on my life as it progresses.
Eh.
Those of you who know me well know that I don't have a relationship with my father; he and I have not spoken in twenty years, though that wasn't of my choice (obviously). My parents divorced in 1987, my father remarried in 1989 and had three girls with his new wife -- only one of whom (my oldest sister, born in 1991) am I in contact with, and only via Facebook. I love my sisters, even though they've never really known me, but as for my father? Eh. He's never really been a part of my life for 2/3 of it at this point, for reasons pretty much unknown to me. I used to resent, when I was younger, the fact that he cut me out of his life, but over the past ten years or so I've become mostly indifferent to it. I'll probably never know truly why he did, nor does it really matter to me -- I still grew up, I still became a respectable, well-rounded, normal guy with no real issues and no real need for him to be in my life anyway -- though there are multiple, myriad reasons for that.
My "dad," the man who raised me, has been my mother's partner for almost twenty years. The two of them have never married, but he took on the father-figure role in my life early, though that was never his intention -- in fact, he's told me that he never tried to be a father to me, never set rules with me or made waves because he knew he wasn't my father (and more than likely, didn't want me to see him as domineering or actively trying to fill that role), and that's true. He really didn't; he didn't see it as his "place" to do so. Instead, I took him on as a father figure, as a dad, because I wanted to. I looked up to him. I admired him. I still do, very much. My "dad" has been more of a father to me than anyone else ever could have been. It is from him who I have garnered my sense of humor, my love of comics (and continued love of reading in general) and my interest in music -- as well as my interest in playing it. He taught me how to build and fix computers, and taught me the ins and outs of the internet in its very early years. If I ever had a "guy problem" I could ask him about it, and always receive an honest answer. He taught me how to be a good person, a caring person, and an upstanding man just as much as my mother did, even if he doesn't think so or is supremely humbled by that thought when I've told him that's the case. I have more love and respect for my dad than he, or most people, will ever know. I've been lucky in this respect; many others have not had it so lucky if their biological father hasn't been present in their lives. I could've had it much worse. I will, of course, be calling him this morning to tell him happy Father's Day.
Father's Day also fills me with other thoughts as well. I'll be turning thirty this year. It is not something that I particularly look forward to. Most people have some sort of dramatic life shift when they turn thirty. I always thought (or at least, always hoped) that by the time I was thirty I would be married and would be a father myself. I never thought that was too lofty of a goal, though by my mid-twenties I realized that it would be -- my girlfriend in my mid-20s (now ex, obviously) never wanted to get married, and absolutely never wanted any kids, ever, everever. Because of this, and because I loved her, I put aside both of those desires for the duration of our relationship. It was the only thing I could do, really, if I wanted to be with her -- and at the time I did. This was, perhaps, a mistake on my part. Not staying together for as long as we did, of course (I don't really assign blame there on either party, really), but trying to lie to myself that these things weren't important to me in the grand scheme of things. It was only later, after we broke up, that I realized what I'd suppressed for the more than six years I was with her -- especially once I saw my friends getting happily married and happily having children. Instead of feeling happy for them, feeling congratulatory, I just felt depressed, sad for myself that I'd wasted so much time not doing what I wanted to do with my life, what I really wanted to do.
That part, of course, is my fault. My ex once asked me the question of why, if I felt the way I did, why did I stay with her?
Because I loved you, I replied.
Love will make you do some really strange things. It'll make you sacrifice a lot of things you once held dear, or put those things on the back burner and not think about them in favor of looking at all the positives of a situation. Despite being a borderline pessimist about many, many things, I've always been an optimist when it comes to relationships. The good outweighs the bad in most cases. In the case of that ex, there wasn't a whole lot of bad (when we were happy, that is), so I focused on the good and overlooked or ignored everything else.
When it came to Lady? I thought I was going to marry her.
I'm not kidding when I say that. We'd talked about it. A lot. We'd planned our future together. I'd planned where I was going to go and what I was going to do with my life after grad school around the best places to go, work, and start our family. We were both all for it and couldn't wait; I wrote about those possible moves/places here on the blog. I did not, of course, mention anything about why I was making those plans, though to most people who knew us (like Andrea and Shainna, and more than likely my parents) it was pretty obvious that those were the reasons behind my/our plans. I was planning to propose shortly after the new year, and we'd already gone to look at and price rings twice; once in West Virginia when she was there with me over Spring Break, and again on Easter Weekend. Again, not kidding.
When the relationship with Lady dissolved, obviously I was heartbroken. It was incredibly hard for me to process; I was in shock more than anything else. And not shock like "wow, that came out of nowhere, I'm surprised!" No, the kind of shock people's bodies go into after a grievous injury. That's why I waited so long to really talk about it or write about it here. I didn't know what to think, or even, really, how I felt aside from suddenly sad and directionless. Something like that really messes with your psyche whether you want it to or not. It makes you question everything about yourself, makes you wonder if there's something wrong with you. Lady and my other ex were the only two serious relationships I've ever had in my life, and both relationships ended because the women involved left me, decided that they were done with me. Therefore, I can't help but wonder if I am somehow fundamentally flawed or broken in a way that I can't see myself, but others can. Those are the kinds of questions that will keep a man awake in the middle of the night.
I know everyone goes through stuff like this, though -- I'm not in the least unique in that regard -- especially by my age. Most experience it at a younger age, though, and can easily shrug it off or forget about it by the time they find someone else to begin dating. I'm so inexperienced in dealing with real relationships, though; I've only had two when most people I know have had five, ten, or more by my age (unless they married their first true love). Does it build character to have experiences like this? Possibly. Who knows. Most would probably say yes. But do I want to build character from horribly depressing experiences? No, of course not. I'd much rather build it from positive ones. Wouldn't most people?
That's not always how it goes though, is it? And that's the sad part.
Again, in a perfect world, in my mind, by the time I approached age thirty I figured I'd be happily married with children, and I figured that my kids would be waking me up this morning with some goofy/sappy homemade card and an attempt at breakfast in bed. That's why days like Father's Day are a little bittersweet to me. I know now that I'll at least be 35 by the time this may actually happen (y'know, to give the kids time to actually comprehend actions like this), and that's if it started now. Which, despite my optimism and hopes, I don't think it will. I tend to leave the past in the past as much as possible and not dwell on it, but it's days like today where I think back and wonder how different my life would be had I found someone in high school, married her shortly thereafter, and started a family then. My kids would be ten or eleven now. Yeah. I'm old. I am officially old.
That's also reasons why my profile on OkCupid says things like this:
My last two relationships made me question a lot of things about myself -- namely who I truly am as a person, and what I want out of life. As I am rapidly approaching 30, I worry about whether I should even try "dating" again, or whether I am getting "too old." I created this profile in hopes that someone would be able to help me figure that out.
That's the truth, folks. I don't think I could be more honest than that.
That being said, I have started a conversation with a sweet, interesting girl on that site within the past day or two. Apparently some people do still reply to messages on there. Amazing, no? I am incredibly intrigued and fascinated with her, which is good. I like intrigue and fascination. The problem? She is about 200 miles away to the north (I don't remember how far, to be honest; I try to ignore the "miles" thing on OkCupid because most of the time it's just fucking depressing; there's really nobody around here), which would make, well, actually meeting up really difficult, especially since my car would most assuredly half-explode before it got across the Kansas state line. I love my Monte Carlo, but as you folks know, she's not in the best shape, and that's putting it mildly. Said girl also lives with her parents (but has her reasons) and she works a lot as well, so that makes things a little more difficult too. Despite all of these odds, I still remain optimistic.
On that note, most of the rest of my day will be spent grading my students' papers, as I need to get those done before class on Tuesday night (I told them I'd have them graded and back to them then, which may have been a mistake on my part). Oh well. Part of my job, I suppose.
I will, of course, keep you folks updated on my life as it progresses.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Slings and Arrows, Part II
I think I'm becoming a little more cynical and jaded than I'd like.
Most of you who know me well know that the last two months or so have been far from a pleasure cruise, of sorts. In fact, they've pretty much been the exact opposite. Between the money issues and the dissolution of the relationship between Lady and I -- not to mention everything else that's been on my mind all summer -- it's probably no surprise to most of you that, ahem, things are not great.
That's not to say that things are bad, but here's an example: by this time yesterday I had gone about 40 hours or so without eating anything. That's not because I wasn't hungry or because I was on some sort of politically-motivated hunger strike -- it's because I had no food in the house aside from dry popcorn, packets of oatmeal, and canned vegetables -- and I'm trying to count down the days until I get paid, so I'm basically intentionally starving myself half the time. I can't help it. If I were to eat normally, my bank account would be empty. With nine more days to go until I get paid, I have to do things like this sometimes.
Yes, last night I did go to the store when I was done teaching, and I was able to get myself some food; hopefully, it's enough to last me until I get paid again and can assess all of my finances after the bills and rent are covered for the month. I'm not telling you folks this to throw myself a pity party or anything like that. I don't really care, to be honest. I'm saying this to perhaps elicit a little perspective, and to describe just how shitty life can be sometimes. Some people don't know how good they have it, and complain about things that are utterly meaningless. At least I have real reasons sometimes, but I rarely vocalize them.
I also realize how lucky I am, despite things constantly going wrong, or going from bad to worse. I realize this. I have many friends who would be willing to help me if I were to just ask, if I were to say the word, so to speak. I haven't done so not out of pride, but out of the fact that I do not want to burden anyone else with my problems or issues, because it's not their responsibility to take care of me -- in any sense of the phrase. Maybe in the situation of "all hope is otherwise lost" would I be inclined to burden anyone else with my issues, but for now most of them are temporary and shall be rectified within the next month or two, so none of them are huge issues. What I'm trying to say is that you people don't need to worry about me, seriously, I'll be fine.
Anyway.
In other news, I recently added this section to my OkCupid profile:
I have a lot of trouble understanding people's motives in why they do what they do, and why they say what they say. Because of that I am really cautious and very nervous in interpersonal interactions, especially at first, because I've been burned/hurt many times by people who say one thing and do another, or say that they really enjoy my company and then never talk to me again/disappear, for example. I want people in my life who will stick around, who want me for me, and who want me around for the person I am -- not for the person they want me to be or the person they think I should be.
I have added this section to my profile because, frankly, it needs to be there.
I should have added, at the end, "and I don't need people who will run away even if I'm 99% perfect for them simply because of that 1% that I'm not."
Over the course of my adventures on OkCupid in the past week or two, I have really only connected with, and messaged back and forth with, three women. One of them, curse my luck, is in Morgantown (yeah, go figure, hm?) and she's very sweet, but she will more than likely remain just a friend as she's moving to Norway within the next year or so. Yeah. Norway. She and I may have some mutual friends in and around town, but eh, I don't know. I think we'll become good friends, though, but seriously doubt either of us have any desire for anything more than that (or ever will) due to the distance involved. Curse my luck that she's exactly my type, too. Figures.
The other two are out here, either around the state or within a 100-mile radius or so.
Those two, after several days each of fascinating, great conversations both via the site and via phone or IM, basically dropped off the face of the earth or otherwise went into radio silence all of a sudden, when everything had been going nicely and I was getting to know them better. One of them even told me that she didn't want to get her hopes up about anything and wanted to stay realistic, etc etc, and then never said another word to me. The other? Just disappeared. Deleted me off friends' lists and the like, went quiet. Again, when everything was going really well both times, too, over the span of several days of good, nice, normal meaningful conversation with each one.
Neither of these instances, of course, were my fault. Like I said, everything was going wonderfully well, and then each of them just went really weird and disappeared, or (the more likely scenario) they found someone else more interesting than me to talk to, and I became yesterday's news. Of sorts.
It's things like this, reasons like this, why I've so rarely tried to open up to and get to know anyone throughout most of my life. The times I have? Yeah (obviously, if you know me), I've gotten burned. Sometimes, obviously, it took longer than others.
When it comes to OkCupid, or even meeting new people in general? Nobody bothers to put in any effort or attention span anymore, at least not longer than a day or two of random chatting back and forth via a website. Nobody seems to bother with anything but a first impression, or at least a first few days' impression. I at least have tried to put in the effort of getting to know someone, and I try to let them get to know me, even if it's so purely only going to be a friend and nothing else. I've never understood the concept of "Well, I'm done with you, time to never talk to you again, delete you from my life, and move on without saying anything else to you whatsoever, like you never existed." I mean, is this what the world's come to? Even if you've become friends with someone? It's so frustrating. It's part of why I feel like I'm becoming jaded and cynical in some respects. There's no common courtesy anymore, no mutual respect or understanding. And I'm so sick of being the kind of person who is very understanding, kind, and respectful, yet never experiences that in return. It's so disheartening, and that's probably why I have very, very few friends that I would call close, that I can talk to and tell everything to -- much less anyone I could trust anymore for anything more than a friendship.
I'd really like to believe that people are inherently good, that they're not cruel, judgmental, shallow or superficial, but that's becoming much harder by the day. And, as I've said for years, I'm getting too old for this shit. I've never claimed to be perfect, and never will, but I would like to think that despite all my little quirks and nerdery, I am somewhat normal. I've had some pretty bad shit happen to me over the years, both in my childhood and in my relationships, but you know what? Today, I'm pretty normal. I'm not crazy, I'm not psychotic, I'm just a guy. And I still have a really strong moral and ethical code and a sense of manners and decency. If I don't want to associate with someone, or don't want to talk to them anymore, I'll at least tell them why. I'm not sure anyone else does that anymore, and I've certainly not met a lot of people who have been through some of the stuff I've been through over the years who could call themselves "normal." Oh, they'd try, but they'd be so, so wrong.
That being said, places like OkCupid are apparently, as I said to my new friend in Morgantown, "swirling cesspools of despair and desperation," which tends to be pretty accurate most times. Like I said, I'm not perfect myself, and I'm not shallow and try not to judge people, but when I find search results like age 31, divorced, I have seven children and four horses who come first and take up all my time, so don't expect to be a priority, I become stunned and not so much disgusted as amazed that people like that actually exist.
Yes, that was an actual example.
"Wow, think of the shape her vagina must be in," was the first thing my Morgantown friend said when I told her of that search result.
See? Told you she was my type. Again, of course she has to be in my hometown now, when I'm 1,000 miles away from it.
Like I said, I'm not judgmental, but for fuck's sake, really? That's not so much bad as it is stunning that OkCupid apparently thinks someone with seven kids at 31 and four horses would be a good match for me. That's more than likely on the fault of their own algorithms, though.
I've tried to sit down and describe my "type" before, laying it all out in text to see if I can do it and construct the ideal mate, and I can't. I can do the physical stuff, the superficial stuff, but when it comes to stuff like personality, the only thing I can think of is "normal, not religious, not crazy." I can only think of the nots. I cannot picture the opposite, because everyone is different.
The stuff I can tell you, however, if you're interested?
Age: roughly 20 to 30, probably towards the younger end of that. I've found that women between the ages of 23-27 are usually the easiest to get along with; they're not cynical, brusque, or mean at that point yet because they're still mostly happy and idealistic. They've not been battle-hardened by the world for the most part yet, but they have already turned 21 and have had a few years to sow their wild oats and think about what kind of guy they really want.
Education/Intelligence: Matters a lot, but depends on circumstances, really. High school diploma, GED, bachelor's, master's, etc. I don't care. I just want you to be able to interact with me on an intellectual level of some sort, whether that intellectual level is discussing Foucault or being able to tell me where the bathroom is on the Enterprise. Please at least have some idea, however, of what you want out of life and how life in the real world actually works. If I can't sit down and have logical, interesting conversations with you about myriad things, then it doesn't matter how attracted I may be to you -- it just won't work.
Living status: Please, for fuck's sake, be single and living on your own, and not in your parents' house/basement/what-have-you. Have a job or be in school to get a good/better one. Have a car that is at least somewhat reliable. Be willing to drive and be able to stay here for weekends or longer trips if we live farther apart than, say, 50 miles, so that we can actually spend some time together.
Height: shorter than me. Don't care how much shorter, just shorter than me. I do like really short girls though. I'm 5'10", 5"11" on a good day. Short girls are hot.
Weight: 150-250ish. Not picky at all, but I really want you to have curves, not feel your bones when we cuddle, or when I hold you while we sleep. I'm not huge, but I am a big guy, so I don't want to worry about hurting you, and curvy women turn me on immensely. Screw the stick-thin ladies. Give me something to, ahem, hold on to.
Hair: Hopefully shoulder-length or much longer, but long hair isn't a requirement. Long hair is, however, really, really sexy. Color isn't important, but I really love natural redheads -- like, the carrot-orange (or more subtle) red hair, or strawberry-blonde-ish red hair is really hot. Overall, though, hair color is unimportant. I love all kinds of hair, straight, curly, frizzy, wavy, etc. It's all hot. I've been told I have a "hair fetish." This is probably true to some extent. Also? Don't style your hair to make it something that it's not; coloring/highlighting your hair is fine on occasion, of course, but don't use five pounds of product every day before you leave the house, or spend hours styling it. Let it be natural and free.
Style: I'm a t-shirt and shorts/khakis kind of guy who's looking for a t-shirt and shorts/skirts/dresses/jeans kind of girl. No frills, no high-end fashions or name-brand clothing required, and don't base your entire wardrobe around a certain designer, store, logo, brand, or clothing company just because it's trendy or popular. Don't spend hundreds of dollars per year on shoes. Wear comfortable clothes and shoes because that's what you want to do, because it suits you -- not because you're trying to impress anyone or because you're trying to make yourself feel "prettier" with your wardrobe. Trust me, you're fine. Eccentricity, however (like goth styles or hipster styles), in moderation, can be very hot though.
Sexual experience/dating experience/life experience: I don't particularly care as long as you're not a total, absolute prude who only looks upon sexual relations as "for procreation only," or, on the other end of the spectrum, a ditzy promiscuous flake. Don't look for a fling with me, because I'm not giving you one. I'm too old for that shit and I want something real, something that will last a long, long time. I'm also not looking to "date" you while you're also dating other people at the same time or looking for a one-night stand, nor on the other end of that spectrum am I looking for someone to tell me you want to marry me and have my babies on the first day I meet you. If you're divorced and/or have one or more children? Not a dealbreaker at all (of course not), but I do want to know these things. Duh. I'm also not into open relationships, I'm not interested in group sex, swinging, or "casual encounters." I am a committed, monogamous guy, and if you're going to be in a relationship with me I expect you to be committed and monogamous to me as well. This should go without saying, but these days I need to make it specific -- because, well, take a look at some women's profiles on OkCupid sometime. Yikes.
Other positive attributes: On the physical side? Freckles are hot. Paler skin tone is also hot. Glasses are really hot. If you "steal" my t-shirts, hoodies, boxer shorts, etc to wear yourself? That's also hot. Not caring that I smoke, or being a smoker yourself, would also be a plus. Being a big fan of coffee is almost mandatory. Tolerating the fact that I'm a nerd, and therefore do nerdy things like blog, read and adore comic books, play Pokemon, listen to podcasts, and wear lots and lots of nerdy clothing is also a massive plus and almost mandatory as well, even if you're not interested in any of those things -- but it would be wonderful if you were. Be accepting of the fact that I am a writer, and therefore will never be wealthy or completely successful in my own eyes. You must love cats. You also must love the fact that my cats will love you as well, even if the girls will take a little while to warm up to you, and you must realize that yes, they will sleep with us; I cannot stop them and wouldn't want to. Most importantly, having the capacity to love and be loved, to want the same things (or mostly the same things) out of love, life, and our relationship as I would is really, really something I look for. We have to be on the same page, we have to be able to communicate.
Now, here's the fun part...
Don't be (and I've made this a bulleted list):
Seriously. Just be goddamned normal. It's really all I ask. Anything else I can deal with, but just be normal.
None of these things, however, except for that "don't be" section above, are absolute requirements. I'm just describing my type, my ideals. And I'm willing to sacrifice a large chunk of those here or there for the right woman. Well, okay, the committed monogamy thing is pretty damned important, and I won't sacrifice that. But, let me tell you, simple normality is hard to come by these days. I don't think anything on the "don't be" list above is too much to ask for. I know there are sane people out there, sane women who don't have any of those problems. There have to be people like that in general, right?
Yeah. But probably not here. Maybe in a part of the country that doesn't necessarily foster a seven-child, four-horse environment.
It's all just really frustrating that it's so hard to even make friends here, in this state, in this town, even in the university environment which I am part of for nine months (or more) out of any given year -- let alone find someone that I may eventually want to share my life with. I thought I had the latter (twice!) in this godforsaken part of the country known as the midwest, but I was apparently wrong.
Don't get too optimistic; I looked up the matches for around Morgantown as well -- where I will probably end up again after graduation if I have no reason to stay out here -- and they're just as depressing. Well, except for my new friend who lives there, but by the time I'd get back to town (if I do go back), she'd already be in Norway.
Again, just my luck, hm?
Between the loneliness, money issues, bad luck, lack of social interaction and the somewhat long-coming-but-still-disastrous end to the relationship I had with Lady, summer 2012 has just been spectacular so far, hasn't it?
Today is June 14. We are reaching the midpoint of the year 2012. I hope, for the sake of my sanity and happiness, that the second half of this year goes better than the first half. And I hope that by this time next year I will be content and happy with my life and all aspects of it, regardless of where I am, what I'm doing, or who I may be with.
It's thoughts and hopes like that which keep me going.
Most of you who know me well know that the last two months or so have been far from a pleasure cruise, of sorts. In fact, they've pretty much been the exact opposite. Between the money issues and the dissolution of the relationship between Lady and I -- not to mention everything else that's been on my mind all summer -- it's probably no surprise to most of you that, ahem, things are not great.
That's not to say that things are bad, but here's an example: by this time yesterday I had gone about 40 hours or so without eating anything. That's not because I wasn't hungry or because I was on some sort of politically-motivated hunger strike -- it's because I had no food in the house aside from dry popcorn, packets of oatmeal, and canned vegetables -- and I'm trying to count down the days until I get paid, so I'm basically intentionally starving myself half the time. I can't help it. If I were to eat normally, my bank account would be empty. With nine more days to go until I get paid, I have to do things like this sometimes.
Yes, last night I did go to the store when I was done teaching, and I was able to get myself some food; hopefully, it's enough to last me until I get paid again and can assess all of my finances after the bills and rent are covered for the month. I'm not telling you folks this to throw myself a pity party or anything like that. I don't really care, to be honest. I'm saying this to perhaps elicit a little perspective, and to describe just how shitty life can be sometimes. Some people don't know how good they have it, and complain about things that are utterly meaningless. At least I have real reasons sometimes, but I rarely vocalize them.
I also realize how lucky I am, despite things constantly going wrong, or going from bad to worse. I realize this. I have many friends who would be willing to help me if I were to just ask, if I were to say the word, so to speak. I haven't done so not out of pride, but out of the fact that I do not want to burden anyone else with my problems or issues, because it's not their responsibility to take care of me -- in any sense of the phrase. Maybe in the situation of "all hope is otherwise lost" would I be inclined to burden anyone else with my issues, but for now most of them are temporary and shall be rectified within the next month or two, so none of them are huge issues. What I'm trying to say is that you people don't need to worry about me, seriously, I'll be fine.
Anyway.
In other news, I recently added this section to my OkCupid profile:
I have a lot of trouble understanding people's motives in why they do what they do, and why they say what they say. Because of that I am really cautious and very nervous in interpersonal interactions, especially at first, because I've been burned/hurt many times by people who say one thing and do another, or say that they really enjoy my company and then never talk to me again/disappear, for example. I want people in my life who will stick around, who want me for me, and who want me around for the person I am -- not for the person they want me to be or the person they think I should be.
I have added this section to my profile because, frankly, it needs to be there.
I should have added, at the end, "and I don't need people who will run away even if I'm 99% perfect for them simply because of that 1% that I'm not."
Over the course of my adventures on OkCupid in the past week or two, I have really only connected with, and messaged back and forth with, three women. One of them, curse my luck, is in Morgantown (yeah, go figure, hm?) and she's very sweet, but she will more than likely remain just a friend as she's moving to Norway within the next year or so. Yeah. Norway. She and I may have some mutual friends in and around town, but eh, I don't know. I think we'll become good friends, though, but seriously doubt either of us have any desire for anything more than that (or ever will) due to the distance involved. Curse my luck that she's exactly my type, too. Figures.
The other two are out here, either around the state or within a 100-mile radius or so.
Those two, after several days each of fascinating, great conversations both via the site and via phone or IM, basically dropped off the face of the earth or otherwise went into radio silence all of a sudden, when everything had been going nicely and I was getting to know them better. One of them even told me that she didn't want to get her hopes up about anything and wanted to stay realistic, etc etc, and then never said another word to me. The other? Just disappeared. Deleted me off friends' lists and the like, went quiet. Again, when everything was going really well both times, too, over the span of several days of good, nice, normal meaningful conversation with each one.
Neither of these instances, of course, were my fault. Like I said, everything was going wonderfully well, and then each of them just went really weird and disappeared, or (the more likely scenario) they found someone else more interesting than me to talk to, and I became yesterday's news. Of sorts.
It's things like this, reasons like this, why I've so rarely tried to open up to and get to know anyone throughout most of my life. The times I have? Yeah (obviously, if you know me), I've gotten burned. Sometimes, obviously, it took longer than others.
When it comes to OkCupid, or even meeting new people in general? Nobody bothers to put in any effort or attention span anymore, at least not longer than a day or two of random chatting back and forth via a website. Nobody seems to bother with anything but a first impression, or at least a first few days' impression. I at least have tried to put in the effort of getting to know someone, and I try to let them get to know me, even if it's so purely only going to be a friend and nothing else. I've never understood the concept of "Well, I'm done with you, time to never talk to you again, delete you from my life, and move on without saying anything else to you whatsoever, like you never existed." I mean, is this what the world's come to? Even if you've become friends with someone? It's so frustrating. It's part of why I feel like I'm becoming jaded and cynical in some respects. There's no common courtesy anymore, no mutual respect or understanding. And I'm so sick of being the kind of person who is very understanding, kind, and respectful, yet never experiences that in return. It's so disheartening, and that's probably why I have very, very few friends that I would call close, that I can talk to and tell everything to -- much less anyone I could trust anymore for anything more than a friendship.
I'd really like to believe that people are inherently good, that they're not cruel, judgmental, shallow or superficial, but that's becoming much harder by the day. And, as I've said for years, I'm getting too old for this shit. I've never claimed to be perfect, and never will, but I would like to think that despite all my little quirks and nerdery, I am somewhat normal. I've had some pretty bad shit happen to me over the years, both in my childhood and in my relationships, but you know what? Today, I'm pretty normal. I'm not crazy, I'm not psychotic, I'm just a guy. And I still have a really strong moral and ethical code and a sense of manners and decency. If I don't want to associate with someone, or don't want to talk to them anymore, I'll at least tell them why. I'm not sure anyone else does that anymore, and I've certainly not met a lot of people who have been through some of the stuff I've been through over the years who could call themselves "normal." Oh, they'd try, but they'd be so, so wrong.
That being said, places like OkCupid are apparently, as I said to my new friend in Morgantown, "swirling cesspools of despair and desperation," which tends to be pretty accurate most times. Like I said, I'm not perfect myself, and I'm not shallow and try not to judge people, but when I find search results like age 31, divorced, I have seven children and four horses who come first and take up all my time, so don't expect to be a priority, I become stunned and not so much disgusted as amazed that people like that actually exist.
Yes, that was an actual example.
"Wow, think of the shape her vagina must be in," was the first thing my Morgantown friend said when I told her of that search result.
See? Told you she was my type. Again, of course she has to be in my hometown now, when I'm 1,000 miles away from it.
Like I said, I'm not judgmental, but for fuck's sake, really? That's not so much bad as it is stunning that OkCupid apparently thinks someone with seven kids at 31 and four horses would be a good match for me. That's more than likely on the fault of their own algorithms, though.
I've tried to sit down and describe my "type" before, laying it all out in text to see if I can do it and construct the ideal mate, and I can't. I can do the physical stuff, the superficial stuff, but when it comes to stuff like personality, the only thing I can think of is "normal, not religious, not crazy." I can only think of the nots. I cannot picture the opposite, because everyone is different.
The stuff I can tell you, however, if you're interested?
Age: roughly 20 to 30, probably towards the younger end of that. I've found that women between the ages of 23-27 are usually the easiest to get along with; they're not cynical, brusque, or mean at that point yet because they're still mostly happy and idealistic. They've not been battle-hardened by the world for the most part yet, but they have already turned 21 and have had a few years to sow their wild oats and think about what kind of guy they really want.
Education/Intelligence: Matters a lot, but depends on circumstances, really. High school diploma, GED, bachelor's, master's, etc. I don't care. I just want you to be able to interact with me on an intellectual level of some sort, whether that intellectual level is discussing Foucault or being able to tell me where the bathroom is on the Enterprise. Please at least have some idea, however, of what you want out of life and how life in the real world actually works. If I can't sit down and have logical, interesting conversations with you about myriad things, then it doesn't matter how attracted I may be to you -- it just won't work.
Living status: Please, for fuck's sake, be single and living on your own, and not in your parents' house/basement/what-have-you. Have a job or be in school to get a good/better one. Have a car that is at least somewhat reliable. Be willing to drive and be able to stay here for weekends or longer trips if we live farther apart than, say, 50 miles, so that we can actually spend some time together.
Height: shorter than me. Don't care how much shorter, just shorter than me. I do like really short girls though. I'm 5'10", 5"11" on a good day. Short girls are hot.
Weight: 150-250ish. Not picky at all, but I really want you to have curves, not feel your bones when we cuddle, or when I hold you while we sleep. I'm not huge, but I am a big guy, so I don't want to worry about hurting you, and curvy women turn me on immensely. Screw the stick-thin ladies. Give me something to, ahem, hold on to.
Hair: Hopefully shoulder-length or much longer, but long hair isn't a requirement. Long hair is, however, really, really sexy. Color isn't important, but I really love natural redheads -- like, the carrot-orange (or more subtle) red hair, or strawberry-blonde-ish red hair is really hot. Overall, though, hair color is unimportant. I love all kinds of hair, straight, curly, frizzy, wavy, etc. It's all hot. I've been told I have a "hair fetish." This is probably true to some extent. Also? Don't style your hair to make it something that it's not; coloring/highlighting your hair is fine on occasion, of course, but don't use five pounds of product every day before you leave the house, or spend hours styling it. Let it be natural and free.
Style: I'm a t-shirt and shorts/khakis kind of guy who's looking for a t-shirt and shorts/skirts/dresses/jeans kind of girl. No frills, no high-end fashions or name-brand clothing required, and don't base your entire wardrobe around a certain designer, store, logo, brand, or clothing company just because it's trendy or popular. Don't spend hundreds of dollars per year on shoes. Wear comfortable clothes and shoes because that's what you want to do, because it suits you -- not because you're trying to impress anyone or because you're trying to make yourself feel "prettier" with your wardrobe. Trust me, you're fine. Eccentricity, however (like goth styles or hipster styles), in moderation, can be very hot though.
Sexual experience/dating experience/life experience: I don't particularly care as long as you're not a total, absolute prude who only looks upon sexual relations as "for procreation only," or, on the other end of the spectrum, a ditzy promiscuous flake. Don't look for a fling with me, because I'm not giving you one. I'm too old for that shit and I want something real, something that will last a long, long time. I'm also not looking to "date" you while you're also dating other people at the same time or looking for a one-night stand, nor on the other end of that spectrum am I looking for someone to tell me you want to marry me and have my babies on the first day I meet you. If you're divorced and/or have one or more children? Not a dealbreaker at all (of course not), but I do want to know these things. Duh. I'm also not into open relationships, I'm not interested in group sex, swinging, or "casual encounters." I am a committed, monogamous guy, and if you're going to be in a relationship with me I expect you to be committed and monogamous to me as well. This should go without saying, but these days I need to make it specific -- because, well, take a look at some women's profiles on OkCupid sometime. Yikes.
Other positive attributes: On the physical side? Freckles are hot. Paler skin tone is also hot. Glasses are really hot. If you "steal" my t-shirts, hoodies, boxer shorts, etc to wear yourself? That's also hot. Not caring that I smoke, or being a smoker yourself, would also be a plus. Being a big fan of coffee is almost mandatory. Tolerating the fact that I'm a nerd, and therefore do nerdy things like blog, read and adore comic books, play Pokemon, listen to podcasts, and wear lots and lots of nerdy clothing is also a massive plus and almost mandatory as well, even if you're not interested in any of those things -- but it would be wonderful if you were. Be accepting of the fact that I am a writer, and therefore will never be wealthy or completely successful in my own eyes. You must love cats. You also must love the fact that my cats will love you as well, even if the girls will take a little while to warm up to you, and you must realize that yes, they will sleep with us; I cannot stop them and wouldn't want to. Most importantly, having the capacity to love and be loved, to want the same things (or mostly the same things) out of love, life, and our relationship as I would is really, really something I look for. We have to be on the same page, we have to be able to communicate.
Now, here's the fun part...
Don't be (and I've made this a bulleted list):
- crazy
- hateful
- a drunk/drug user
- someone with "daddy issues"
- a depressing (or otherwise constantly cripplingly depressed) person, or
- conversely, an absolute optimist who never frowns
- screamy
- abusive
- flighty
- fighty
- shallow/superficial
- childish/prone to temper tantrums
- destructive
- self-destructive
- bitter
- jaded
- judgmental, prejudiced, or racist
- currently married or otherwise entangled
- incredibly right-wing Republican/Conservative
- an incredibly strong-willed feminist who hates men and "man things"
- filled with anger and/or resentment for anything or anyone
- mentally scarred/traumatized to where you'll never recover from some thing(s) that happened to you in your past, and will always let it affect every relationship you're in
- anti-marriage
- anti-children
- anti-cat
- anti-sex
- a "gun nut"
- a religious nutjob who will try to "turn me to Jesus," or
- someone who will try to change the person I am into the person you want me to be.
Seriously. Just be goddamned normal. It's really all I ask. Anything else I can deal with, but just be normal.
None of these things, however, except for that "don't be" section above, are absolute requirements. I'm just describing my type, my ideals. And I'm willing to sacrifice a large chunk of those here or there for the right woman. Well, okay, the committed monogamy thing is pretty damned important, and I won't sacrifice that. But, let me tell you, simple normality is hard to come by these days. I don't think anything on the "don't be" list above is too much to ask for. I know there are sane people out there, sane women who don't have any of those problems. There have to be people like that in general, right?
Yeah. But probably not here. Maybe in a part of the country that doesn't necessarily foster a seven-child, four-horse environment.
It's all just really frustrating that it's so hard to even make friends here, in this state, in this town, even in the university environment which I am part of for nine months (or more) out of any given year -- let alone find someone that I may eventually want to share my life with. I thought I had the latter (twice!) in this godforsaken part of the country known as the midwest, but I was apparently wrong.
Don't get too optimistic; I looked up the matches for around Morgantown as well -- where I will probably end up again after graduation if I have no reason to stay out here -- and they're just as depressing. Well, except for my new friend who lives there, but by the time I'd get back to town (if I do go back), she'd already be in Norway.
Again, just my luck, hm?
Between the loneliness, money issues, bad luck, lack of social interaction and the somewhat long-coming-but-still-disastrous end to the relationship I had with Lady, summer 2012 has just been spectacular so far, hasn't it?
Today is June 14. We are reaching the midpoint of the year 2012. I hope, for the sake of my sanity and happiness, that the second half of this year goes better than the first half. And I hope that by this time next year I will be content and happy with my life and all aspects of it, regardless of where I am, what I'm doing, or who I may be with.
It's thoughts and hopes like that which keep me going.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Slings and Arrows
The majority of this past week has been really quiet, which (for once) is a plus. I have a lot of important things to take care of this summer, and I have been working on some of them -- or, at least, some of the lighter ones, such as giving the house a good cleaning.
The return to a solitary life (though it's been solitary for over a month now, really) is strangely freeing, but also strangely uncertain. It's allowed me to re-evaluate a lot of priorities, and has allowed me to draft out some life plans for the future, since my old ones (based around Lady) aren't exactly applicable anymore. Duh. Said plans are as just as scary or uncertain as they were before, but they may be a bit more...realistic now.
That's about as in-detail as I want to go, really, but I will tell you this: I re-opened my OkCupid profile this week and have since spent the past several days revamping it and adding to it.
I told my friends Shainna and Andrea that this seemed like a logical step, of course. I am in my house in Newton 95% of the time, with the other 5% being when I teach my once-weekly class on the west campus or when I go out to get a bare minimum of groceries to last me another week or two. Aside from my students/boss and Walmart cashiers -- plus my friend Jay on campus on Tuesday night -- I haven't had any face-to-face interaction with anyone in over a month. That is probably shocking to a lot of you, or sounds really strange to a lot of you, at least. But it's the truth. It's not that I'm an incredibly solitary person (well, okay, I can be at times), it's that I don't have the money to get out and do stuff, despite having the time to do it, and I certainly don't really know anyone here in town. Don't pity me for that or anything, really. It's just the way things are. So, I told Andrea and Shainna that reopening that OkCupid profile would be a way for me to at least meet new people, even if nothing came of it, and it would allow me to be social, be myself, and be friendly with like-minded people out there, most of them relatively close to me and in the same situation I am.
I'm sure that I don't have to remind you folks that OkCupid is how I met Lady. While that didn't work out and it wasn't destined to, it at least showed me that I am a desirable person that people want to be social with and want to be around. That in itself is a plus. The experience opened me up to being social and flirtatious again (well, to some extent) after my previous ex of six years broke up with me. So I see it all as a good thing. I sort of have this strange, zen-like mindset now where I'm thinking if something's meant to be, it's meant to be, and if it's not? it's just not. Regardless, that whole meant to be thing isn't going to come to pass if I don't "get out there" and be social again in some capacity, anyway, and I'm certainly not going to make any new friends, even, if I don't attempt to try.
Here's the thing, though. OkCupid is hit or miss for anything, even friends. I think most people who use the site are in the mindset that anyone who messages them is just looking for sex, a relationship, dates, etc. While that may be true for a lot of people, I keep my profile there to talk to new people with similar interests more than anything else. No, I wouldn't be opposed to finding a new partner there, certainly not -- it's kind of the overall point of the site, as the word "cupid" is in the name -- but I'm so not the kind of person to be like "Hey, you're hot, let's date a few times and bone." I'm just not. As hard as it is for me to admit, I'm a bit wounded from my past relationships, and I'm a bit cautious. Okay, very cautious. The site is, though, hit or miss. You'll throw out a lot of proverbial slings and arrows before you hit something and it sticks because of the mindset so many users have. Apparently they're really cautious too.
Or they read my profile, think "good lord, what a nerdy fuck," and run away.
A little from column A, a little from column B, perhaps?
I have, however, found at least two people I know who have profiles on the site. Which gives me a little hope -- hope that I'm not, of course, the only one out there who had this idea. And no, I'm not going to approach either of them, duh. I'm not stupid, and I'm really not interested anyway. On some level, though, it is sort of amusing.
However, I'm getting off track.
One of the really neat features of the site (and I'm not sure if other sites like it use the same sort of algorithms or methods, because I've never used others) is that it asks you an endless amount of questions, like an extended personality test. You can answer as many or as few of them as you'd like, but the more you answer, the more the site can match your personality with someone like you. I've answered over 2,100 of them (yes, 2,100, that's not a typo) because they're fun. Some of them are amusing, some of them are serious, and some of them are completely batshit off the wall.
There is one, however, that particularly struck me and stuck in my head, and it was something along the lines of Would it be easier for you to make a list of qualities you want in a partner, or qualities you DON'T want in a partner?
I kind of stopped in my tracks, because there were only those two choices, and not an "I don't know" option. Which, really, is my honest answer. I'm not sure. I don't have a list of requirements or anything, but I do know on a basic level what I'd like. I also know what I don't like and want no part of. So that question was quite difficult to answer. I did, finally, pick the bubble of "qualities I DON'T want" and moved on, just to answer the question, but the concept of both lists stuck with me.
No, I'm not going to make those lists here. That would be exceedingly narcissistic of me. But it did make me think. What do I really want, not only out of a relationship, but out of life? Do I want someone to come home to or go out with? Yes. Do I want children? Yes. Do I care whether a prospective mate already has kids? No, of course not. That could actually be a bonus. I've just been thinking about all sorts of things as of late, because my mind actually has the free time/space to think for once.
I've been told before (I won't say by whom) that I don't know where I'm going in life, that I don't know where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to do after I get my MFA.
Well, yes, to some extent that's true. But does anyone truly know where they're going in life? Even people my age or older? I'm not sure anyone really does. Yeah, most people have some sort of rough plan, or they at least plan to continue doing what they're doing now until they can no longer do so, but how many people just don't exactly know? I know I have a rough plan of trying to get some sort of teaching position or editing position somewhere while I work on getting my books published, but that doesn't mean I'll accomplish those things. I'm a realist. I have goals, but I also understand that some goals may be unattainable or otherwise almost impossible to achieve. Anyone who says "I'm going to do _________ no matter what!" is foolish and amazingly shortsighted -- just look at how many broken people there are out there, people who once had dreams until they realized those dreams would never be fulfilled. There are always obstacles to overcome, and it's best to be realistic. The same sort of realism extends to interpersonal relationships, as well. Nobody's going to be perfect. No situation is ever going to be perfect. We have to make the best of what we have or what we can find, and that's all there really is to it. It's not "settling," it's not "giving up," it's being realistic.
To those ends, when it comes to life I've become brutally honest with myself. And I've also been brutally honest on my OkCupid profile (bet you were wondering how I was going to wrap back around to that, hm?). Those of you who know me well already know that I'm an open book. I don't hide anything from anyone, and I have no reason to. I'm certainly not going to be mysterious with people who may become new friends or something more. There's no point to it. I'm an honest and open person. That's just me.
I wrote on my Twitter this evening that someone needs to put together a "Horrors of OkCupid" website, since there are so many scary folks on there with unrealistic expectations. Seriously. Ladies, just a tip: putting "you must be good in bed" on your self-summary, which is the first thing people see on your profile, is probably a bad idea if you're also looking for "life-long love."
I have sent messages to a few ladies on there, though. Nice ones, sweet ones. I won't lie. Only one has replied, and we've started a friendship. She's very nice and we have a lot in common, so at least I've made one new friend. If more comes of it, it would be nice (really nice, actually, as I like her a lot as a person), but if not, well, at least I have a new friend to talk to with like-minded interests. You folks know me. I go with the flow, etc. What happens, happens.
Other than that, I've been keeping quiet and keeping to myself for the most part. I've been working on my thesis a little more this week, fine-tuning parts of it here and there before adding more to it. I don't know when I'm going to have a finished draft copy of it ready, but I assume it would be sometime within the next few weeks or so if I keep working on it at a steady pace. The thought of finishing a draft of my thesis isn't something I take lightly; it basically means that half of my work is done when it comes to getting ready to graduate. Which is, of course, definitely a plus.
The other half, studying for comps? Yeah, I haven't even touched my reading list. Haven't looked at it in a year or so. I can't afford half the books on it anyhow, and it's not like I've read any of them yet, so I would imagine I'll be stuck basically cramming for comps in the month or two leading up to them -- or at least reading enough to get by, to be honest with you. It's not incredibly high on my list of priorities, to tell you the truth. It's just not. I've got enough to worry about and take care of right now, and I can only take care of so many things at one time. This month it's my thesis, teaching, and paying the bills/affording groceries with what little money I have, and that's me being completely honest with you folks.
I'm sure over the next few weeks things will progress and get more interesting, and when they do, I'll be sure to let you folks in on things. Until then, my friends.
The return to a solitary life (though it's been solitary for over a month now, really) is strangely freeing, but also strangely uncertain. It's allowed me to re-evaluate a lot of priorities, and has allowed me to draft out some life plans for the future, since my old ones (based around Lady) aren't exactly applicable anymore. Duh. Said plans are as just as scary or uncertain as they were before, but they may be a bit more...realistic now.
That's about as in-detail as I want to go, really, but I will tell you this: I re-opened my OkCupid profile this week and have since spent the past several days revamping it and adding to it.
I told my friends Shainna and Andrea that this seemed like a logical step, of course. I am in my house in Newton 95% of the time, with the other 5% being when I teach my once-weekly class on the west campus or when I go out to get a bare minimum of groceries to last me another week or two. Aside from my students/boss and Walmart cashiers -- plus my friend Jay on campus on Tuesday night -- I haven't had any face-to-face interaction with anyone in over a month. That is probably shocking to a lot of you, or sounds really strange to a lot of you, at least. But it's the truth. It's not that I'm an incredibly solitary person (well, okay, I can be at times), it's that I don't have the money to get out and do stuff, despite having the time to do it, and I certainly don't really know anyone here in town. Don't pity me for that or anything, really. It's just the way things are. So, I told Andrea and Shainna that reopening that OkCupid profile would be a way for me to at least meet new people, even if nothing came of it, and it would allow me to be social, be myself, and be friendly with like-minded people out there, most of them relatively close to me and in the same situation I am.
I'm sure that I don't have to remind you folks that OkCupid is how I met Lady. While that didn't work out and it wasn't destined to, it at least showed me that I am a desirable person that people want to be social with and want to be around. That in itself is a plus. The experience opened me up to being social and flirtatious again (well, to some extent) after my previous ex of six years broke up with me. So I see it all as a good thing. I sort of have this strange, zen-like mindset now where I'm thinking if something's meant to be, it's meant to be, and if it's not? it's just not. Regardless, that whole meant to be thing isn't going to come to pass if I don't "get out there" and be social again in some capacity, anyway, and I'm certainly not going to make any new friends, even, if I don't attempt to try.
Here's the thing, though. OkCupid is hit or miss for anything, even friends. I think most people who use the site are in the mindset that anyone who messages them is just looking for sex, a relationship, dates, etc. While that may be true for a lot of people, I keep my profile there to talk to new people with similar interests more than anything else. No, I wouldn't be opposed to finding a new partner there, certainly not -- it's kind of the overall point of the site, as the word "cupid" is in the name -- but I'm so not the kind of person to be like "Hey, you're hot, let's date a few times and bone." I'm just not. As hard as it is for me to admit, I'm a bit wounded from my past relationships, and I'm a bit cautious. Okay, very cautious. The site is, though, hit or miss. You'll throw out a lot of proverbial slings and arrows before you hit something and it sticks because of the mindset so many users have. Apparently they're really cautious too.
Or they read my profile, think "good lord, what a nerdy fuck," and run away.
A little from column A, a little from column B, perhaps?
I have, however, found at least two people I know who have profiles on the site. Which gives me a little hope -- hope that I'm not, of course, the only one out there who had this idea. And no, I'm not going to approach either of them, duh. I'm not stupid, and I'm really not interested anyway. On some level, though, it is sort of amusing.
However, I'm getting off track.
One of the really neat features of the site (and I'm not sure if other sites like it use the same sort of algorithms or methods, because I've never used others) is that it asks you an endless amount of questions, like an extended personality test. You can answer as many or as few of them as you'd like, but the more you answer, the more the site can match your personality with someone like you. I've answered over 2,100 of them (yes, 2,100, that's not a typo) because they're fun. Some of them are amusing, some of them are serious, and some of them are completely batshit off the wall.
There is one, however, that particularly struck me and stuck in my head, and it was something along the lines of Would it be easier for you to make a list of qualities you want in a partner, or qualities you DON'T want in a partner?
I kind of stopped in my tracks, because there were only those two choices, and not an "I don't know" option. Which, really, is my honest answer. I'm not sure. I don't have a list of requirements or anything, but I do know on a basic level what I'd like. I also know what I don't like and want no part of. So that question was quite difficult to answer. I did, finally, pick the bubble of "qualities I DON'T want" and moved on, just to answer the question, but the concept of both lists stuck with me.
No, I'm not going to make those lists here. That would be exceedingly narcissistic of me. But it did make me think. What do I really want, not only out of a relationship, but out of life? Do I want someone to come home to or go out with? Yes. Do I want children? Yes. Do I care whether a prospective mate already has kids? No, of course not. That could actually be a bonus. I've just been thinking about all sorts of things as of late, because my mind actually has the free time/space to think for once.
I've been told before (I won't say by whom) that I don't know where I'm going in life, that I don't know where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to do after I get my MFA.
Well, yes, to some extent that's true. But does anyone truly know where they're going in life? Even people my age or older? I'm not sure anyone really does. Yeah, most people have some sort of rough plan, or they at least plan to continue doing what they're doing now until they can no longer do so, but how many people just don't exactly know? I know I have a rough plan of trying to get some sort of teaching position or editing position somewhere while I work on getting my books published, but that doesn't mean I'll accomplish those things. I'm a realist. I have goals, but I also understand that some goals may be unattainable or otherwise almost impossible to achieve. Anyone who says "I'm going to do _________ no matter what!" is foolish and amazingly shortsighted -- just look at how many broken people there are out there, people who once had dreams until they realized those dreams would never be fulfilled. There are always obstacles to overcome, and it's best to be realistic. The same sort of realism extends to interpersonal relationships, as well. Nobody's going to be perfect. No situation is ever going to be perfect. We have to make the best of what we have or what we can find, and that's all there really is to it. It's not "settling," it's not "giving up," it's being realistic.
To those ends, when it comes to life I've become brutally honest with myself. And I've also been brutally honest on my OkCupid profile (bet you were wondering how I was going to wrap back around to that, hm?). Those of you who know me well already know that I'm an open book. I don't hide anything from anyone, and I have no reason to. I'm certainly not going to be mysterious with people who may become new friends or something more. There's no point to it. I'm an honest and open person. That's just me.
I wrote on my Twitter this evening that someone needs to put together a "Horrors of OkCupid" website, since there are so many scary folks on there with unrealistic expectations. Seriously. Ladies, just a tip: putting "you must be good in bed" on your self-summary, which is the first thing people see on your profile, is probably a bad idea if you're also looking for "life-long love."
I have sent messages to a few ladies on there, though. Nice ones, sweet ones. I won't lie. Only one has replied, and we've started a friendship. She's very nice and we have a lot in common, so at least I've made one new friend. If more comes of it, it would be nice (really nice, actually, as I like her a lot as a person), but if not, well, at least I have a new friend to talk to with like-minded interests. You folks know me. I go with the flow, etc. What happens, happens.
Other than that, I've been keeping quiet and keeping to myself for the most part. I've been working on my thesis a little more this week, fine-tuning parts of it here and there before adding more to it. I don't know when I'm going to have a finished draft copy of it ready, but I assume it would be sometime within the next few weeks or so if I keep working on it at a steady pace. The thought of finishing a draft of my thesis isn't something I take lightly; it basically means that half of my work is done when it comes to getting ready to graduate. Which is, of course, definitely a plus.
The other half, studying for comps? Yeah, I haven't even touched my reading list. Haven't looked at it in a year or so. I can't afford half the books on it anyhow, and it's not like I've read any of them yet, so I would imagine I'll be stuck basically cramming for comps in the month or two leading up to them -- or at least reading enough to get by, to be honest with you. It's not incredibly high on my list of priorities, to tell you the truth. It's just not. I've got enough to worry about and take care of right now, and I can only take care of so many things at one time. This month it's my thesis, teaching, and paying the bills/affording groceries with what little money I have, and that's me being completely honest with you folks.
I'm sure over the next few weeks things will progress and get more interesting, and when they do, I'll be sure to let you folks in on things. Until then, my friends.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
New Chapters, Same Book
It's been a while since I've written here -- a full week -- and in that time, many things have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. Regardless, I should probably mention most of them here to clear up some stuff and/or to bring some other stuff to light.
First, I need to mention that Lady and I broke up.
Yeah, I know.
This happened a while ago, really, but it was finalized for good several days ago. It was amicable, with no argument or anything at the actual break-up. It's okay. I've been able to process it and deal with it in my own ways, and while that has at times been quite difficult, I'm okay. It had apparently been coming for a long time; the distance between us over the summer proved to be too difficult (as well as several other factors) and it became clear that while it would have been nice, there were too many things that made it evident that our relationship wouldn't exactly work out. Lady is a wonderful girl, though. I'll never wish her anything but the best, nor will I ever, have anything bad to say about her, because there wasn't anything bad to say. It just wasn't going to work, and I accept that. Sometimes things just don't work.
So, for the first time in several months, I am single again. It's a weird feeling; it's not one I'm not used to, of course, but it's still a little strange being completely back on my own. It's interesting, to say the least. Not good, but not totally bad, either. Just...different. I'm not sure, really, whether it's a good or bad different yet. I would imagine I'll be figuring that out more and more over the next few weeks and months. All I can do is keep plodding forward, even if that pace may be a slow one. I told one of my friends tonight, a friend who reads this blog and who also just broke up with her significant other, this:
I've been single a lot over the past year. All I can tell you? Be social. Embrace your friends, go out, enjoy things in life. Don't coop yourself up and let your depression and insecurities slowly eat away at you. That's the worst thing you can do. There are good times ahead. Everything may be shitty right now, but there are good times ahead. That is something that I always must keep believing myself, as well. It's sort of my life's mantra.
It's true, really, isn't it?
It's also something my best friend/sister Andrea has told me over the years, as well. I'm beginning to sound like her. Which can only be a good thing, I think, as she knows what she's talking about. The fact that things didn't work out with Lady is sad and disappointing on some level, yes, but I believe (to some extent at least) that everything happens for a reason. It may be difficult to understand or appreciate at times, but I believe that.
Anyway. Moving on.
My money problems are temporarily patched; I have received some help from my mother, which will get me through the rest of the month until I receive my first paycheck. Oh, I should probably update you on that as well -- I found out that my first check won't be on the 8th, but on the 22nd. Which threw me into absolute financial ruin as all of my bills are due before then. Obviously.
As much as I didn't want to, I had no choice but to ask my mother for help. I don't like asking for help; I really don't. I'm almost thirty, and I feel worthless/like a mooch/irresponsible/etc., which you know if you've been reading this blog for some time. However, this was unavoidable. This was me being unable to survive if I didn't ask for help. I simply had to. And I was lucky; my mother helped me out by giving me enough money to cover what needs to be covered this month until I am paid. While things will still be tight, I will indeed be able to manage and will be okay. It won't be pleasant, obviously, but I will be able to pay all of my bills. I'll have to put my car insurance on my credit card, but I can do that. I will also be paying my mother back once I can afford to do so, and as soon as I can afford to do so. That will probably be about two months from now. My paychecks for the summer, I've found, are going to be split into four different, equal ones -- June 22, July 6, July 20, and August 3. My pay is $1900 before taxes, for teaching the night class I teach. It is a class I will teach tonight, this time at the library on the main campus, for their "library activity day." Should be fun, and at least I don't have to drive all the way out to the west campus.
Teaching the class is pretty interesting; it shows the limitations of what I can cover in the span of less than three hours a week, all crammed into one night, and it also shows the limitations of what students can absorb in that timeframe. I've found myself dismissing a bit early most of the time, as it seems that's the way things will go for most of the semester. Still, I enjoy teaching it, even if it can be a bit of a pain or a bit of a long slog through a night's class. Next week, their first paper is due, so I'll be grading everything after that. It's a deceptively long semester; it seems long, but it's really not. They have a lot of work to do over those ten weeks, and it's my job to power them through all of it.
Other than those big things (which are, admittedly, big) not a whole lot is really going on. It's been relatively quiet here alone at the house, which is indeed a relief. I think I've had all the hectic-ness and emotionality I can stand for a while, and I'm really looking forward to just...being me, being here, being quiet, taking care of stuff I need to as it comes up, and living my life as it comes. Things will be frantic and a bit unstable as time goes on, but as time goes on I also think those times will pass as well. I've got the rest of the summer ahead of me. June is just beginning. I have a thesis to finish, for which I now have a lot more emotional material to write poetry for, and tomorrow I'll hopefully get to see Jay while I'm on campus. It'll be good to hang out with a friend for once.
I will also try to write here more often, and do more than sum up current events of the past week or so. I have the time, of course. I just don't always have the devotion, patience, or energy. My summer will be devoted to doing all of those things that require devotion, patience, and energy. I need to become the best person I can be, because nothing else is good enough for me. In some sense, that's a bit challenging, but in a much greater one? It's also rewarding.
First, I need to mention that Lady and I broke up.
Yeah, I know.
This happened a while ago, really, but it was finalized for good several days ago. It was amicable, with no argument or anything at the actual break-up. It's okay. I've been able to process it and deal with it in my own ways, and while that has at times been quite difficult, I'm okay. It had apparently been coming for a long time; the distance between us over the summer proved to be too difficult (as well as several other factors) and it became clear that while it would have been nice, there were too many things that made it evident that our relationship wouldn't exactly work out. Lady is a wonderful girl, though. I'll never wish her anything but the best, nor will I ever, have anything bad to say about her, because there wasn't anything bad to say. It just wasn't going to work, and I accept that. Sometimes things just don't work.
So, for the first time in several months, I am single again. It's a weird feeling; it's not one I'm not used to, of course, but it's still a little strange being completely back on my own. It's interesting, to say the least. Not good, but not totally bad, either. Just...different. I'm not sure, really, whether it's a good or bad different yet. I would imagine I'll be figuring that out more and more over the next few weeks and months. All I can do is keep plodding forward, even if that pace may be a slow one. I told one of my friends tonight, a friend who reads this blog and who also just broke up with her significant other, this:
I've been single a lot over the past year. All I can tell you? Be social. Embrace your friends, go out, enjoy things in life. Don't coop yourself up and let your depression and insecurities slowly eat away at you. That's the worst thing you can do. There are good times ahead. Everything may be shitty right now, but there are good times ahead. That is something that I always must keep believing myself, as well. It's sort of my life's mantra.
It's true, really, isn't it?
It's also something my best friend/sister Andrea has told me over the years, as well. I'm beginning to sound like her. Which can only be a good thing, I think, as she knows what she's talking about. The fact that things didn't work out with Lady is sad and disappointing on some level, yes, but I believe (to some extent at least) that everything happens for a reason. It may be difficult to understand or appreciate at times, but I believe that.
Anyway. Moving on.
My money problems are temporarily patched; I have received some help from my mother, which will get me through the rest of the month until I receive my first paycheck. Oh, I should probably update you on that as well -- I found out that my first check won't be on the 8th, but on the 22nd. Which threw me into absolute financial ruin as all of my bills are due before then. Obviously.
As much as I didn't want to, I had no choice but to ask my mother for help. I don't like asking for help; I really don't. I'm almost thirty, and I feel worthless/like a mooch/irresponsible/etc., which you know if you've been reading this blog for some time. However, this was unavoidable. This was me being unable to survive if I didn't ask for help. I simply had to. And I was lucky; my mother helped me out by giving me enough money to cover what needs to be covered this month until I am paid. While things will still be tight, I will indeed be able to manage and will be okay. It won't be pleasant, obviously, but I will be able to pay all of my bills. I'll have to put my car insurance on my credit card, but I can do that. I will also be paying my mother back once I can afford to do so, and as soon as I can afford to do so. That will probably be about two months from now. My paychecks for the summer, I've found, are going to be split into four different, equal ones -- June 22, July 6, July 20, and August 3. My pay is $1900 before taxes, for teaching the night class I teach. It is a class I will teach tonight, this time at the library on the main campus, for their "library activity day." Should be fun, and at least I don't have to drive all the way out to the west campus.
Teaching the class is pretty interesting; it shows the limitations of what I can cover in the span of less than three hours a week, all crammed into one night, and it also shows the limitations of what students can absorb in that timeframe. I've found myself dismissing a bit early most of the time, as it seems that's the way things will go for most of the semester. Still, I enjoy teaching it, even if it can be a bit of a pain or a bit of a long slog through a night's class. Next week, their first paper is due, so I'll be grading everything after that. It's a deceptively long semester; it seems long, but it's really not. They have a lot of work to do over those ten weeks, and it's my job to power them through all of it.
Other than those big things (which are, admittedly, big) not a whole lot is really going on. It's been relatively quiet here alone at the house, which is indeed a relief. I think I've had all the hectic-ness and emotionality I can stand for a while, and I'm really looking forward to just...being me, being here, being quiet, taking care of stuff I need to as it comes up, and living my life as it comes. Things will be frantic and a bit unstable as time goes on, but as time goes on I also think those times will pass as well. I've got the rest of the summer ahead of me. June is just beginning. I have a thesis to finish, for which I now have a lot more emotional material to write poetry for, and tomorrow I'll hopefully get to see Jay while I'm on campus. It'll be good to hang out with a friend for once.
I will also try to write here more often, and do more than sum up current events of the past week or so. I have the time, of course. I just don't always have the devotion, patience, or energy. My summer will be devoted to doing all of those things that require devotion, patience, and energy. I need to become the best person I can be, because nothing else is good enough for me. In some sense, that's a bit challenging, but in a much greater one? It's also rewarding.
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