Birthday Thirty-one

A lot has happened in the past week or so.

Until recently, I was not exactly feeling myself. Mentally, I mean. At the end of every semester, it seems, I drop into a funk, where nothing seems good enough or entertaining enough, and when everything starts to lose its luster and/or bores me. Everybody leaves town, I lose contact with a large amount of friends and colleagues, and I sort of retreat into myself. Nobody contacts me, I don't contact anyone else, and I hole up in the house, listless, because all of the responsibilities I previously had to deal with during the semester (such as grading papers, making lesson plans, and taking care of other professor-oriented work) simply disappears. It stops, finally, after weeks and months on end of waiting for it to stop, waiting to get a bit of breathing space.

When it stops so suddenly, mentally, psychologically, and physiologically I don't know how to deal with it. I suddenly have this abundance of free time that feels like time I should be spending doing something constructive or something beneficial to myself or my students, except there's nothing to do. So, in response, I clean my house. I do the dishes, take out the trash, load and empty the dishwasher, vacuum, and do the laundry. I go grocery shopping for what I need. I shower and sleep on a regular basis at set intervals, not just when I have the time to do so. I cook and eat real meals, not just a sandwich on the way to bed so I can put something on my stomach. I brush the cats to remove all of their excess shed hair, cooing at them the whole time so that they're not scared of the brushing or combing they're receiving. I catch up with the news. This time around, even, I spent time wrapping Christmas presents for Daisy and her parents, and writing out/mailing out Christmas cards to friends and family.

Still, there comes a point (usually within the first three days or so of having all the free time in the world) that everything is done that can possibly be done. I play catch-up with all of the stuff around the house that I've been neglecting all semester long, but once I'm finished with it, I'm finished with it. When I have enough leftover cooked food and plenty more in the fridge and pantry, when the floors have been vacuumed and the laundry and dishes washed and put away, and the cats have shiny, shed-hair-free coats, even those things stop -- and I am then left with true nothingness, a vast expanse of time with nothing to do to keep me occupied, entertained, or even satisfied in life. After a day or two, my podcasts become boring. Another day or two after that, it's no longer fun to spend hours on Facebook or Twitter, or to play any of my video games (even though, during the semester, I have no time at all to play any of them). Slowly, I become bitter and jaded at the world, and being stuck at home doesn't really help much with that, as if I had somewhere to go, something to do, or money to do something with, I wouldn't feel that way.  The reality, however, is that I am incredibly poor, 90% of my friends and colleagues have left town for the holidays (and the other 10% or so have plans between now and New Year's almost every single day), and as I'm not flying home for Christmas this year, it's not like I can look forward to getting out of Kansas to see friends and family back east.

When all of these things coalesce, I become a pretty dark person. I don't like who I become, but I can't do much to change it. That's when the funk sets in -- or, more appropriately, it's a very quick plunge into deep depression.

It's not a secret that I've battled with depression my entire life; for a brief time, in college, I was on medication for it (Lexapro, which I so lovingly referred to as "apathy pills"). I tend to slip into it pretty deeply for a few weeks every year before I can finally pull myself out of it again. I'm not entirely sure, of course, that depression should be classified as a "mental illness," at least not with me, anyway. I know the causes of my depression and why it strikes/when it strikes. For me, it's equal parts being very poor and worrying about how I'm going to pay my bills, and suddenly having all structure that kept me busy and occupied on a daily basis just disappearing. I know this because when I've had money and when I've been able to keep occupied doing things I love to do, I've never been happier in my life. Those two things are what make my life...well, my life.

So I've been feeling like this for most of the last week or so, which has basically been since I finished the semester and came home for the winter break. To try to occupy myself and get myself thinking about other things, I've watched the first three seasons of Breaking Bad, as mentioned before, in the span of about a week and a half. For those of you who haven't seen it, Breaking Bad isn't exactly the most uplifting and/or happy-go-lucky television series. Some (read: many) of its episodes are like a metaphorical punch to the gut -- which indeed does make it one of the best series to air on American television in many, many years, but doesn't necessarily make one who's already depressed want to jump up and take on the world. So, in hindsight, that was probably a bad idea.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I may have problems, but I don't have Walter White-level problems. And this made me feel a bit better about my life. Since Monday or so, I've slowly been feeling better, to the point where now I'm almost completely normal. And that feels good.

Which is good, because I turn 31 today.

Look, I'm not a big fan of birthdays. They used to be fun as a kid. In saying that I mean that I used to enjoy them a lot more than I enjoy them now. Because of this, right now I'm doing nothing but sitting here at my desk, at 12:43 AM, with Pete sitting across my shoulders.

Don't believe me?

Yes, I realize that isn't the most flattering photo of me ever taken, but it makes my point.

Last year, when I turned 30, Daisy was here. She brought down a cake that she'd made, and we had our early "birthday/Christmas dinner" involving the god-awful beast known as Tofurky, something which we swore to never, ever ingest again. She left that afternoon, I went to bed early, and got up really really early (like, 1AM) in order to catch my flight home to West Virginia the next morning.

Obviously, on some levels my life was quite a bit different then than it is now. It's also still evolving and changing. As my birthday posts here in my blog are sort of a "State of the Union" sort of thing, it's important to note the differences and similarities.

For one, last year I was still a grad student, I wasn't yet engaged to Daisy, and I had a hell of a lot more money in my bank account than I have now. Now, of course, I have a fiancee, a second degree, and I am now an actual professor, but most other things remain the same. I still live in the same house. I still drive the same car. I still have the cats (which should go without saying after the picture above). I still fit into the same clothing -- some of it better than I did before, which is always a plus. I don't have any major health issues. I mean, in the big picture only a few things have changed. I have a few more gray hairs here and there on occasion (don't worry, I pluck them out when I see them, and they're usually in my beard). My hairline is receding a bit more.  Sometimes my knees and ankles ache. I'm far from being an old man, but I notice things like this a lot more as I get older.

Age 30 was a big turning point for me in many ways, and over the year that I was 30, it seems like I "grew up" in many ways that I hadn't before. I mean, I got engaged. I became a professor. I stopped wearing comic book t-shirts every day (though this was really only because I personally felt a responsibility to look "more respectable" as an actual professor). I came to terms with my student loan debt and my finances more than I have at probably any other time of my life. I began thinking about and planning for my future with set goals in mind much, much more than before, when I was just sort of skipping through life and trying to survive day-to-day. That's kind of important when, y'know, my wedding is coming up in several months.

However, in many ways, I still act like a swingin' bachelor in his early twenties. I'll go two or three days without showering sometimes. I'll grow out my beard for many months at a time because fuck it, who do I have to impress? I let my hair grow really long and unruly. I will occasionally have a beer and some Doritos for breakfast. When I can, I'll sleep ten hours at a time before downing a pot of coffee poured cup-by-cup into a Batman mug and smoking through most of a pack of cigarettes while playing a video game. I drive a beat-up car with faded paint and literally hundreds of thousands of miles on it, but it goes fast and has a loud stereo. I'll spend hours with friends quoting Star Wars or discussing the merits of Chris Claremont's X-Men run. That -- all of that -- is just who I am, and regardless of age, I doubt much of this will change even after I'm married to Daisy.

I'll be captured in pictures like these:

As well as pictures like these:

And all of them represent me equally as a person, as a man of my age.



That's me and Daisy, by the way, in case you couldn't figure that out.

It's all about perspective, really.

Am I a different person than I was a year ago? Yes, I am. In many ways. Do I necessarily feel different, or feel older? No. I'm just me.

Daisy was the first person to wish me happy birthday, and she sang me the song while on Skype tonight.

"When you're 35, I'll still be in my twenties," she said.

"I know, and I'll be able to say I'm 35 and married to a twenty-something. Giggity."

 Daisy is a little less than six years younger than me. It's about the same age difference between her own parents, actually. Or at least pretty close, anyhow.

Nobody has asked me if I'm doing anything for my birthday, which is good, 'cause I'm not. I took a nap in the evening last night, and my only plans are to shower, finish off the third season of Breaking Bad, and watch for the packages I have coming in the mail -- Jane has more than likely already sent out her Christmas cookies, my mother said (despite my request for her not to do so) she sent me a box which will arrive today or tomorrow, and I still have one of Daisy's Christmas presents on its way to me in the mail...very slowly on its way, apparently, as all of her other stuff arrived two weeks ago and has already been wrapped.

So no, I'm not doing anything for my birthday. Nobody's throwing me a party, nobody's taking me out for drinks, nobody's giving me loads of presents -- not that I would want any of that stuff anyhow. Daisy asked me a while back if I wanted her to make me a cake or anything like that, and asked me what sort of food I wanted her parents to make when we had my "birthday party" at the house in Omaha the day after Christmas. I originally told her that neither she nor her parents had to do anything special for me, of course -- again, it's just me -- but eventually relented. She is making me vegan Butterfinger bars (I found the recipe) in lieu of a "birthday cake," and tonight I finally figured out what I wanted my "birthday dinner" to be.

"Poutine," I said. "Plain and simple."

"...you're serious?"

"Yes, I'm absolutely serious. Real poutine, not vegan poutine. French fries, cheese curds, and gravy."

"Eww," she replied.

"You think it sounds gross, and everyone thinks it sounds gross...until they actually eat it. And then they realize that some sort of unholy alchemy has taken place between those three ingredients when mixed together, and it becomes the absolute best food ever."

Daisy's mother is Canadian. Daisy, by extension, is half-Canadian (and holds dual citizenship, actually, but that's neither here nor there). You'd think a Canadian would have an amazing appreciation for poutine, especially if it were veganized. To Daisy, however, it sounds vile in all its forms.

As an aside, she once found a vegan recipe for poutine, but it involved tofu, and tofu can stay the hell away from me except in small, small doses in certain dishes. Bad things happen to my digestive system when it comes in contact with tofu. I'll leave it at that.

Whether her parents will go for the poutine idea or whether she'll completely forget I brought it up by morning (as she was desperately, deliriously tired when I discussed it with her tonight) remains to be seen. While I personally think it would be awesome, again, it's not necessary -- Daisy's parents never have to do anything for me, and of course, I would never ask them to.

Finally, not do be outdone by last year's "Winter Storm Draco" and "Winter Storm Euclid" that seriously disrupted my travel plans and schedules between my birthday and Christmas (as I like to point out, I experienced Draco no less than three times -- here, flying into Chicago, and once again on the ground after getting off the plane in Pittsburgh), this weekend the first "big" snowstorm of the season is supposed to hit Kansas.

Here's the latest projections, from a few hours ago:

 

For those of you who don't know Kansas geography or town locations, Newton is directly below the last "n" in "Hutchinson." Hutch is about 30 miles directly west of me. So, as you can see by plotting that on the graph....I'm basically in the dead center of where the heaviest snow is supposed to fall. 

It's supposed to start tonight...as ice and freezing rain. And we could have a half-inch of that first before it all turns over to snow.

I would like to take a moment to mention that yesterday -- December 19 -- it was 63 degrees in the afternoon before I went to take my nap. I know this because I went down to check the mail for bills and birthday cards at about 3PM, and it felt like May or early June outside.

Luckily, because I knew I wouldn't be going anywhere for some time, after I went grocery shopping earlier this week I put the car in the garage, where it has remained since. It's got new oil and coolant and more than half a tank of gas, and it'll be fine in there for most of the winter break, protected from the elements and cold.

However, this does not bode well for my holiday travel schedule regardless.

Daisy works until Monday. She goes back to work tonight. She took Monday night off (she usually works Monday nights) and will be coming down here when she gets off work in the morning. Projections are that this storm will last through Sunday night before it moves off, but I don't yet know the projected snow/ice totals for Omaha.

Earlier this year, as you may remember, she was returning home from a trip down here when she plowed headfirst into a fast-moving snowstorm that rolled in and shut down I-80. She had to spend a night in the hotel in York (conveniently enough, right next to the Walmart we always stop at there) before she could make it the rest of the way home the next day. I'd rather not have a repeat of that scenario, obviously, for either of us. She drives a Hyundai -- a nice, safe vehicle that's relatively new and in great shape, but is mostly plastic and fiberglass. Even my Monte Carlo, with its 3,700lb. dry weight and massive tires/wheelbase wouldn't have saved her in that situation.

I don't get freaked out driving in snow -- I grew up on top of a mountain in West Virginia, and I've seen it all. In February, when we had a blizzard that closed down almost everything here in Kansas (including the university) for the better part of a week, I was still able to drive back and forth, to and from Walmart to get cat food and cigarettes (priorities, you know) with few issues aside from a little fishtailing here and there around sharp corners. Daisy's Hyundai is very easy, reliable, and fun to drive, but I would definitely trust the Monte Carlo for its weight and handling much more in nasty weather.

Of course, with the Monte Carlo there's always that "well, the engine's blown up and we're stranded now" possibility, which is why we always take her car back and forth on trips regardless of the weather or time of year.

"We have to watch this weather carefully, babe," I told her earlier tonight. "A few hours' window between when the storm stops and moves through and you get in the car to come down here is so not enough time for the road crews to clean and clear off everything, even on the interstates. I don't want a repeat of the 'stuck in York' scenario."

"Yeah, yeah," she said, waving me off. "We'll wait and see what happens."

She knows I get my jimmies rustled over weather, but they get especially rustled over weather that adversely affects any travel plans for me from point A to point B. Since yesterday afternoon, the forecast has been continually updated every few hours, and each time it's gotten progressively worse for my area. 

The problem here is that we're on a schedule, as we frequently are when traveling back and forth between Omaha and Newton, but this time it's more important than most, seeing as it's...well...Christmas. If we had to delay the trip an extra day until Tuesday (Christmas Eve), we wouldn't even get back to Omaha until probably 3 or 4AM on Christmas morning, and would certainly miss the entire Christmas Eve dinner the family is planning...not to mention the fact that we really wouldn't have a Christmas morning because we'd be sleeping through it. That's the worst-case scenario, obviously.

Best-case scenario? The storm is weaker than predicted and/or doesn't completely snarl the roads and interstates, and we get there on the morning of Christmas Eve, Tuesday -- or even Monday night.

What will more than likely happen? The storm will hit full-force, Daisy will be delayed in coming down here at least until Monday night, especially if the interstates are shut down and the other roads are a mess (it doesn't take a lot for them to shut down I-80 in both directions, really) -- at which point we'll either sleep fast and leave early in the morning, or we'll basically have to turn back around and drive back north -- and we'll get home in Omaha between dawn and midday on Tuesday.

I'm prepared for either eventuality -- I told Daisy not to risk her life or her car just because it's Christmas and she wants me to be with the family a few hours earlier. Christmas falling mid-week sucks for many reasons, but the biggest one is the travel logistics in regards to Daisy's work schedule and the weather. Regardless of when we leave Kansas, we'll be returning on the night/late-night hours of the 27th because she has to go back to work next Saturday night and work through New Year's morning, I believe. It's a fairly short trip regardless, and the weather, days on the calendar, and her work schedule isn't helping it a whole lot. She is right, however -- we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

So that's my birthday post, I suppose. While writing this, the storm is apparently getting an early head start. Reports of freezing rain and freezing mist have been coming in all over the area, and upon checking my front windows, they are coated in a thin glaze of ice -- as is everything else outside, apparently. Happy birthday to me, right?

Updates, Part II

Forbearance granted.

I received the official word yesterday, via email and via my "paperless inbox," which is set up on my loan servicer's website. They acknowledged receipt of the form that I faxed in like an idiot without signing it -- initially scaring me because the first thing I saw was the denial for that -- but the second thing was a letter dated today that said "granted forbearance" for all of my loans, ending on 12/10/14. My account balance due is, once more, $0.00. At least until around this time next year, anyway.

This is a huge weight off my mind, of course, though I do still have that whole "trying to survive between now and January 31" thing to worry about.

I suppose Friday the 13th was lucky for me after all. At least to an extent, anyhow.

For several days now I had been more concerned with the forbearance stuff than anything else. Being indebted to people, the cable company, or the electric company is one thing. Being indebted to the government is quite another.

Luckily I always pay my bills on time and (unless they're a credit card bill, and only on occasion) always in full.

I sent out the second batch of my Christmas cards today, and I watched four episodes of Breaking Bad. Then I took a six-hour nap. That's all I've done all day. That's all I've wanted to do all day.

I don't feel well. Not physically; it's more mental than anything else.

Everybody leaves.

Daisy has been at her friend's wedding all weekend, which is just as well; I haven't particularly been in a social mood. I haven't showered in three days. My hair is sticking straight up on my head. My face hurts, because apparently this sinus infection keeps coming back over and over again and just won't give up.

Everybody leaves.

One of my closest friends from the department is graduating tomorrow, and will be leaving town next week for good. Another really close friend deleted her Facebook about two months ago, has since gotten back with her on again, off again boyfriend (who I'm not exactly a big fan of anyhow) and I've seen her three times all semester. Rae is in Cincinnati. Parker is too stressed, overwhelmed, and busy applying to different doctoral programs for the fall to be able to talk to me or anyone else. To most of the rest of the department who I used to see on a daily basis -- friends, and close ones -- I've become like a ghost in the night. I spent an hour in Suri's office on Monday before I left campus for the last time, talking to her like she was my shrink, just so that I could get a bit of that feeling of normality back. She's going home for Christmas and staying until mid-January.

Everybody leaves.

My other "sister" in the department (we call ourselves siblings because we're so alike and close) is experiencing much the same situation as I am -- she'll be sitting at home over Christmas break with her cats and will watch everyone else she knows leave town just like I've been seeing. Her upside, though, is that she has a boyfriend she lives with, so at least she has someone to talk to. She wants to come up to Newton at some point over the break to get some decompression time, to do something fun that doesn't involve us both sitting in her office bitching about her/our students. Whether that will happen or not remains to be seen. 

I went to bed very early last night; I was, for some reason, distraught. I hid it from Daisy, told her I was tired, and just went to sleep. I was out by 9:30.

I shouldn't be distraught, obviously -- with the news of my forbearance coming through, I should be ecstatic, jovial and bouncy. I'd been sleeping well. I'd been feeling fine. Is this the come-down from being so on-edge with stresses for the past month since I exited my loans' grace period? Is it an even larger come-down now that the semester is over and I don't have anything to stress me out and keep me on my toes day in, day out?

I don't know.

I just feel weak and lethargic, unmotivated and lacking energy. I tried to dye a Christmas shirt for Daisy, in red and green, as I found half a bottle of each in the fridge from the last time I dyed things in those colors. It turned out pink and neon green, and (frustrated), I bleached it back white again.

My beard, or the vast majority of it, needs to come off over the course of the next few days. Yes, we're now entering winter, and yes, I know it takes a while to grow a respectable beard again, but it's growing strangely and in all the wrong places, and isn't growing thick enough or fast enough in others for it to actually look good anymore. There will be pictures taken at Christmas, as it's Christmas, and I don't want to look like a rabid hobo bushman in them. If I shave it now, it'll give me about a week and a half to grow some of it back out before then, and another several weeks afterwards for it to fill back in before the spring semester starts up.

Yes, it's a bad idea to shave in the dead of winter. Luckily I don't have to leave the house very often, if at all.

I feel sort of like a stranger in my own skin. I wrote forty pages of a book only to not touch it again for days. I start posts here and never finish them, as before I get back to them the information in them is outdated and I delete the drafts. My body keeps telling me to go to sleep, to eat something, to go to the bathroom, and I blindly obey it when it gets to be too nagging.

The cats are actually getting along most of the time, as it's cold and they sleep a lot. Their new favorite sleeping spot is on the fleece blanket in the living room on the couch, and they huddle up together on it in a big kitty ball:

While I watch Breaking Bad on my Blu-ray player, one or more of them will pile on top of me as I huddle up under that blanket myself. They just want to be warm, and they just want to be with me. It's a very similar situation when I go to bed at night.

Those three little shits are my babies; they are my life. They help keep me sane.

I've been trying to pep myself up a bit, but the normal stuff isn't really working. My podcasts are becoming boring, as are the things I normally do on the internet. I tried playing a few video games, and they couldn't eliminate my malaise either. I tried listening to music or keeping myself busy with menial chores around the house (vacuuming, dishes, laundry), but when I'm done with those things, the funk slowly sits back in.

Oh well. There's only so much I can or can't do. As for actual tasks, I do have those to take care of.

Updates

The End of Finals Week

Well, here we are, aren't we?

I have sort of been "resting" since Monday night. I started another post here a few days ago but abandoned it, as I've not really been in the "let's write about me" kind of mood. When I'm no longer occupied by classes and classwork, writing about myself tends to get a little too introspective, and at times a little too depressing.

I may finish and post the other entry, but I don't know. I still have it saved here in my drafts, though it's a little grim.

You may be wondering what I have to be grim about -- the semester is over, all of my students' grades have been calculated, uploaded, and submitted, and I'm done until January 21. Over a month off, free and clear. I turn 31 a week from today, and five days after that, it's Christmas.

I'm just, I don't know, in a funk, I suppose.

I've not heard anything back from the loans people about my forbearance; they have officially had and have been working on my paperwork for ten days now, and the due date for my first loan payment came and went on Wednesday, unpaid. I guess if they haven't yet processed said paperwork -- and, of course, I don't know or understand why it's taking so long -- my student loans are now officially delinquent.  I checked my online account there on Tuesday night and there still had been no updates; I'm not checking it now because if there still haven't been any updates to it, it will only serve to completely piss me off even more. They will notify me via mail, not email or by phone, whether or not my forbearance has been approved. Again, apparently it's a completely archaic system.

Regardless, even if it's not approved, it's not like I can start paying anything now anyhow.

I learned earlier this week that the first paycheck for spring semester will come in on January 31. I get my last paycheck of this semester a week from today, on my birthday. This means I will go six entire weeks without pay. In doing rough calculations and estimations, all figures basically come out to say the same thing -- that I don't, and won't, have enough money to last six weeks without pay between semesters. My bills don't just stop because my job goes on hiatus for a month and a half. Worse yet, I don't know how much those paychecks are going to be once they start up in the spring -- that depends on how many classes I end up teaching for the spring semester. I am currently at one officially, the 102 class I was told I'll be teaching on West campus. I'm already in the system for that and have access to my roster (the apparent administrative screw-up with some guy named "Kevin" has been fixed), and I've been told I'll get a few more, but until I have access to them, nothing is set in stone.

In short, it's a scary time for me right now. It's temporary, yes, but in the meantime I basically have to be a hermit from now until Christmas in Omaha, and from after that until I go back to teach in January. I can't spend any more money than absolutely necessary for survival, and any money I happen to come across for my birthday or for Christmas must immediately go towards bills and rent to ensure my continued ability to keep the lights on and the furnace running.

I'd really prefer not to dwell on it; I have enough things to stress me out on a daily basis that I don't need this, too. It's only the 13th; over the course of the next two weeks I will basically have to wipe out what I have in my bank account now just to keep the bills paid for another month, and that makes me sick to my stomach as it is. I can't do anything about it; worrying or hand-wringing does nothing. Writing about it here does nothing but make me dwell on it more and become even more nervous and twitchy over it. Again, it's not like I have a savings account of any sort, or any sort of safety net. What I have is what I have. You can't get blood from a stone. And as nothing can be done one way or the other, I'm not going to make myself sick over it.

Daisy has told me that if necessary, she can help me out in January if I need a bit of a bailout when it comes to paying the bills, and I appreciate that, because I might need it. I told her to hold off on it now, though; if I can make it on my own, I will. It may take some time to pay off my credit cards and the like over the course of the next few months if I have to survive on them, but I thanked her and told her that her offer was indeed appreciated and may be necessary. Since she tends to think ahead and can calculate her own finances in a bit more of a stable fashion than I can calculate my own, she's already budgeted for it if I do need her assistance. If I don't, even better, but if I do, it's already been arranged.

What I do know is that I can't live like this forever. I didn't want to be an adjunct lecturer, of course, at all -- let alone for a full year after graduation. I wanted to apply and be hired on somewhere stable, somewhere I could make enough money to support myself, Daisy, the cats, and our future family once we marry. I wanted to be able to begin socking away money hand over fist, and have more than enough to begin paying back those student loans when necessary. Obviously, that didn't happen, and here I am. I don't feel sorry for myself, not in the least -- I love teaching; I love my job even with all the stresses it creates, and I take genuine pride in what I do -- but right now it's far from an ideal financial situation, especially only a few months before our wedding.

On Wednesday, I began addressing and sending out Christmas cards to friends and family; inside each one (with the obvious exceptions of the cards to my parents, Daisy's parents, and my grandmother) is a "Save the Date" announcement, printed on the same fine cotton ivory paper I printed my graduation announcements on about seven months ago. I made two different ones; one has a "formal invitation to follow" at the bottom, and the other does not. Most people I send cards to won't be formally invited to the wedding, because I know they'd never be able to make it anyhow or would have no real interest in coming anyway. Some others will receive a formal invitation regardless of the fact they won't come, because I feel that it is necessary. It's sort of arbitrary. My first batch of about twelve or so cards went out yesterday; a second batch of six will go out today. A third batch of the remaining five or so will go out in the coming week, once I (once more) get more stamps. I really wouldn't send out Christmas cards at all this year if I didn't have the need to send out those "Save the Date" sheets, effectively killing two birds with one stone. Plus, well, who doesn't like getting Christmas cards, right?

I receive relatively few cards every year now. I think last year I got about five. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to send me a card just because I sent them one, you know. I'm not special or unique, or any more deserving of a card just because I exist and sent one first. There are people who send me cards every year -- my parents, my godparents, my grandmother, etc. Other folks I'll get a card from once every two or three years at best. It's weird. For a long time, I would get cards from friends I had back in high school who I hadn't even seen for ten years or more. Some friends I was really close to for years who have since almost disappeared completely. I guess that happens with everyone as people get older, though. People grow apart, fall out of contact, stop caring about one another, etc. For example, of my friends in the department who have graduated within the past year or two, Rae is the only one I talk to almost every day, and that's because she's like a sister to me.

Last night, I also started work on a new book.

No, I'm not kidding.

I started writing it around 8PM, and by around 3AM I was 8500 words in (about 40 pages) and decided to stop for the night. I've not written any more yet, but if I can keep up that pace I will have the first draft of the manuscript finished within a few weeks. As 40 pages is about halfway through the second chapter (out of about ten planned chapters total), I'm guessing that it'll be 350-400 pages when it's all done. I've also eliminated almost all formatting issues with it so that when it is finished, there should be no problem getting the manuscript to convert to the Kindle ebook format, which was a huge problem with my first book (and something that I still have to revise and fix). For now I just want to get it all on the page so that I can go back through it and edit/revise it later.

For those of you who are wondering, it's nonfiction/advice/self-help.

Anyway, here's hoping that I don't lose my focus and can actually finish something that I start here. Aside from that, I'll say no more about it. Only two people (Daisy and April) know what it is or what it's about; I'm not sure either of them are jumping for joy at the premise, but eh. I can only do what I can do. It keeps me occupied, at least. Staying occupied gives me goals, gives me something to work towards. It takes my mind off of all of my pressing problems and monetary issues.

As for the rest of this week, it has been devoted primarily to rest -- as I mentioned above. I've been trying to sleep as much as I can to make up for the lost sleep from the semester. It's not been as cold as it was last week, though it is December, after all. I've slept on average about nine or ten hours per night. Every night, when I've gone to bed, all three cats pile on top of me, around me, or under the blankets with me (depending on the cat). Despite the amount of stress I'm under in the back of my mind, I have been sleeping well. Usually when I'm burnt-out and stressed-out, I either can't sleep, have nightmares, or both. I think perhaps my body and brain both realize that sleep is the only escape I have from my stressors.

I mentioned before that my students' grades have been calculated, submitted, and uploaded to the school's online system -- some of them for over a week now -- yet they have not yet been "rolled" (meaning, they've been saved in the system, but haven't officially been written to academic record for said students). I sent the director an email about this, since I noticed it a few days ago, and he said he didn't know what was going on but he would keep me informed if he heard anything or was able to figure anything out. I checked again tonight and they've still not yet been "rolled," though I did get a system-wide email today that said the servers were going down for maintenance this morning and that all changes made would be reflected on Saturday during end-of-day processes, so I'm guessing that means they've noticed a problem and are working to rectify it -- I've never gotten any sort of system-wide email like that about it before since I've been teaching at the university. Final grades must be posted by the night of the 17th. Well, mine are in there -- I've done everything I need to do. Now I just wait to see if their systems work correctly.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention this -- as you've probably realized, today is Friday the 13th. Generally, most Friday the 13ths have been lucky for me instead of unlucky, as the superstition goes. That's good; I could really use some luck right now. Good luck. And lots of it. I grow weary of life and the fates continually shitting on me on a day-in, day-out basis.

My plans for the next week or so are relatively simple: send out the rest of my Christmas cards, go shopping probably once before Christmas for essentials only, wrap up Daisy's Christmas presents, and finish the first three seasons of Breaking Bad. Oh, and work more on the book. Other than that it's just sleep and staying warm. Whatever bills come in between now and then I'll have to pay, and anything else that pops up I'll have to deal with.

Winter Wonderland, Part III

Finals week

I am still freezing.

After dinner last night, during which I finished up the seventh (and final) season of Trailer Park Boys, my sinuses were still bothering me big-time. Not as bad as before, mind you, but they definitely hurt and made my face/jaw/teeth ache again. I took a hot shower, which I needed and hoped would help my sinus issues, but it didn't -- so I said "fuck it," drank some NyQuil, and went to bed -- messaging Daisy beforehand so that she'd know I was okay and asleep.

I woke up at 3:30 AM. I'd slept for about ten hours straight. It is now 5:40 AM, and I will leave the house in about 90 minutes.

It is cold. The temperature in Newton this morning is 12, and feels like -2. I've had the furnace running in my house since I got up, and I'm still freezing. I'm fighting to keep it above 60 degrees in my room upstairs, and that's generally the warmest room in the house. My car has also been sitting outside all weekend in this deep freeze, and I desperately hope that it will start up this morning. I will have to brush and scrape all of the ice and snow off of it in the cold regardless, which means I'll be outside in the nastiness of the Kansas tundra for longer than usual anyhow. The wind chill today isn't supposed to get above zero, and to top it all off, this afternoon/evening it's supposed to start snowing again -- which could mean that my drive home will be really fun. Heavy sarcasm intended.

It could be worse, of course -- right now in Omaha, it's one degree and feels like -17. That's the difference between here and there, a mere few hours away.

I've sent out a final reminder email to my students that yes, their exam is today at 1PM. The vast majority of them will pass the class whether they take the exam or not, but I still want them to be reminded as that's literally the only reason I am venturing out into the cold this morning. I'd much rather go back to bed to sleep with the cats and electric blanket, of course.

It is supposed to warm up later this week -- relatively warmer, anyway. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 38, and by Friday, 41. That'll take us out of the deep freeze, but it's still not warm, you know. The temperature has been below freezing since last Tuesday night, and a prolonged freeze generally isn't a good thing out here. As you know, I don't acclimate to cold or hot weather at all -- it's not by choice, but in my body chemistry. I am incredibly uncomfortable unless the temperature is between 65 and 80 degrees at all times. Colder than that and my toes/fingers can't keep warm or go numb, and warmer than that I sweat from every pore on my body. This is why I like mild summers and warm winters. I've told Daisy that I desperately want us to live somewhere where the temperature never changes, though locales like that are incredibly expensive and we'll more than likely never live someplace like that.

When I leave the house today, of course, I will be wearing layers. Three shirts and my wool peacoat, two pairs of thick thermal boot socks, fleece pajama pants under my slacks, and my warmest pair of shoes. And, of course, gloves. Thick gloves. I'll need those gloves when scraping off the car and driving to work more than anything else, since it will take forever for the Monte Carlo's heater to get warm in this biting cold -- it may not even be warmed up by the time I get to campus.

I don't know when I'll return home tonight, and told Daisy as much -- it depends on how long it takes to get the final exams graded this afternoon, if I have to stay on campus for extra time just so rush hour traffic dies down, and how long it takes me to go through Walmart on my way home so that I won't have to leave the house again for a while. I could get home anywhere between 5 and 9PM, but I doubt it'll be super-late. It's still a long day for me regardless. I would imagine I'll be pretty tired when I get home, but at the very least I should be able to have everything done and wrapped up when I do get back here to the house.

I've been looking forward to this day all semester, as you know. Of course, it would be better if it wasn't so cold outside, but I am feeling my stress levels drop quite a bit now that the semester is drawing to a complete close with a nice little Christmas bow on it. They're still pretty high, though; obviously, I'm still worried about money between now and January and I am still worried about the whole forbearance thing (which, if the people at the loans office can do math, they'll see that I more than qualify for it). The instructor of record issue with my 102 class next semester has been rectified as well, and I have access to it on the Banner system. So, apparently, it was just some sort of goofy typo in the registrar's office (I can only assume, anyway). I haven't been formally assigned any other classes yet, but I didn't expect to be -- the administrators are still working on the spring schedules. I'm guessing I'll get word on spring classes over the course of the next few weeks.

On that note, it's time to go downstairs and scrape off the car...and hope that she fires up and warms up this morning for my trip. Truth be told, I can't wait to get on campus this morning -- it'll be warmer in there than it is here in my heat-challenged-due-to-me-being-poor house. Wish me luck, folks.

Winter Wonderland, Part II

Well. The semester is now over with the exception of tomorrow, when I give my 011 students their final exam at 1PM. I gave my 101 students their final without incident on Thursday morning, graded them as students turned them in, and then came home. All of my students' grades are fully calculated and ready to go -- all I have to do in the morning is bring the 101 exams in for the Director to grade them, and I can then post those grades both on Banner and on Blackboard to be finished with them. I posted my finalized grades for my 210 course on Friday, as I'd received everything I was going to get from all of my students, and they don't have a final. All I have to do tomorrow is show up in the morning at my normal time, help decorate/set up the Writing Center for the "Finals Feast," and then give the aforementioned 011 exam at 1. I've sent a message to my grading partner telling him that my grading will go quickly and that I can do it ASAP once the exam ends -- in and out, folks -- and I have hopes that I'll be done and will be able to get home tomorrow night before dark.


That probably won't be a huge problem, to be honest with you. It's dreadfully cold and gray outside, still, and I've had to keep my thermostat set in the low 50s (usually 52 or 54) to be able to keep my furnace from running 24/7. Nobody wants to be out in this any longer than they have to be. There's a fresh blanket of snow on the ground this morning here, though it's more of a dusting than anything else. We're under a "Winter Weather Advisory" for another few hours because of "freezing drizzle." I don't get it, really -- it's 23 outside. There's no drizzle coming down. If anything falls it'll be light snow before it hits the ground...so, basically, we're under a Winter Weather Advisory for...flurries. I think the local meteorologists are bored. I'll have to clean/scrape off my car in the morning and warm it up before my drive to campus, but it's not like we've gotten a foot of snow or anything like that. As you probably know from my other weather-related musings here, people in Kansas totally overreact about shit like this. And it's not like the roads won't be treated if they are (or were) slick. People should be grateful that we're not getting an actual snowstorm, since it is December, after all. Need I mention the Christmas snowstorm(s) last year?

I've gotten a lot done this weekend; in addition to finishing up my grading, I paid my bills (the ones I have, anyway) with some of the money from my paycheck on Friday, and paid off $100 on my credit card so that I'd have a little extra space on there to get Daisy some Christmas presents -- which, last night, I did.

"I keep getting things for you for Christmas," Daisy told me.

"I thought we were doing a small Christmas this year?" I asked her.

"We are, but these are all little things, and I keep seeing things that make me think 'wow, Brandon will love this' and I pick them up."

Up until last night, I'd only gotten Daisy one small thing for Christmas, and I ordered it about a month ago. Last year I probably spent about $100 total on her and her family; I really didn't do a whole lot. I made a bunch of tie-dye for her and her family (as well as my own, as I went home last year for Christmas) and bought her some DVDs, gloves/scarves/hats from the Dollar Tree because I knew she needed them. This year, I've comparably done very little -- again, small Christmas -- and because I really don't have any real "spare money" to spend on gifts. This is why I paid $100 of my $178 balance on my Visa card, and then went to Amazon to begin my search.

I'd been looking at a few things to get her because when it comes to gifts, if she mentions she likes something when we go out shopping together, I have learned to make a mental note of it and to search for it online later. Since last Christmas, I have also learned Daisy's proclivities and interests a lot more when it comes to gift-giving and stuff she'll like and use (compared to what she won't, or stuff that will just sit around in a drawer or on a shelf for years and gather dust). I've also tried to get a bit of information out of her, slyly, on things she needs, without being too obvious about it.

On Amazon last night, I purchased six small gifts for her. Three of them are just fun little items, two are things she'll use almost immediately, and the last one is something of a gamble -- it's something I know she'll enjoy but I don't know how useful (or even reliable) it will turn out to be. Taking note of last year's Christmas gifts I gave her, this year I didn't get her anything that could be considered "nerdy." One of the gifts has a very slight nerdy connotation, but it's very slight, and I wouldn't even count it under that category despite the fact that my definition of "nerdy" is pretty broad.

"I'm done shopping for you now," I told her, "unless I find one or two other little things while I'm out."

That's a distinct possibility, of course, but somewhat unlikely given the fact that I don't really have any money to burn right now, and that when I do go out between now and Christmas it will be to purchase grocery-like essentials only for me and the cats in order to save as much money from my paychecks as possible. It's not like I'm going to somehow, miraculously, fall ass-backwards into money between now and Christmas.

However, since I'm now done, I can make a list here of things that I wanted to get for her, but didn't:

• A Wonder Woman or Supergirl shirt and/or pajama set (none of them were in her size; apparently the only girls who are nerdy are skinny and short, because all of them were "juniors" sizes or children's sizes)
• This Wonder Woman Robe -- only came in "one size" and was way too expensive
• Some various vegan-related things including food, clothing, and books -- none of them seemed to be interesting enough or worth the money
• A "star projector" for her room -- the inexpensive ones were filled with terrible, terrible reviews, and the good ones were $80 or more
• A salt lamp to replace the one she had and loved until the switch broke -- I'm now glad I didn't get one of these, as she said Mama is going to work on the switch to see if she can fix it
• A Jayne Hat -- while she'd wear it, I'm sure, it's totally not worth $30.

So yeah, even with some of those things above being "nerdy"-ish things, I didn't get any of them and didn't even get anything similar to them. I stuck to stuff I knew she'd actually like and use.

As for Daisy's parents, I don't know what I'll do this year -- she offered to find stuff for them and just put both of our names on it because I really don't have any money, but even though I'm poor that sounds really cheap and tacky to me. I don't know what, if anything, she's gotten for her parents this year thus far. I won't see my own parents this year for Christmas, and they understand that I have no money anyway, so I'm sort of off the hook there.

Regardless, most of Daisy's stuff will arrive here on Tuesday or Wednesday, and even the ones without Prime shipping have already been shipped (according to two different emails I received).

As for what Daisy's gotten for me? I told her, really, to not bother with obsessing over getting me anything -- while there are things I need, they can wait or they're incredibly expensive (which is why I don't have them yet), and while there are things I want (like a 2DS and the newest Pokemon games), they're also incredibly expensive -- probably around $200 for both -- and I don't need them. I told her outright not to get me the latter because I'd much rather she saved her money for her bills and for the wedding. Those things are important; my nerdy Pokemon obsession is not. Still, Daisy knows good gifts; she has a knack for getting me things that I've mentioned once in a throwaway sentence in a random conversation, and her ability to remember shit like that is uncanny.

Still, though, neither she nor her family need to do anything for me -- giving me someplace to go for Christmas is more than enough. I never want to ask anything of them. It's not my way. I never want anyone to feel any sort of obligation to me just because I exist.

Because I've had some more free time as of late, I have been sleeping well for the first time in months. I've slept straight through, ten hours at a time, for the past three nights now. It feels wonderful. I'll get up early tomorrow morning, yes, but hopefully that will be my last early morning for a while. I'd also be lying if I didn't say that the powerful electric blanket Daisy got me for my birthday last year keeps me super-warm and keeps me out like a light when I do sleep. The cats love it too -- frequently I have nowhere to put my feet because all of them huddle together on my side of the bed to stay on the warmth. Since it's a king-size blanket, it has two sides and two plugs with independent controls -- I only plug in one side (the side I sleep on).

As for other news and updates? Well, I haven't heard anything yet about my forbearance; it's been almost a week that they've had the forms and have been working on them, so I'm guessing I'll get a confirmation or rejection in the mail this week. They'll mail that to me, not email it. Regardless of the outcome, it's not like I can pay the loan bill anyway -- so in the grand scope of things it doesn't matter and I'm still broke.

The car has been outside in the cold all weekend; like an idiot, I didn't put it inside on Thursday afternoon when I came home, though I probably should have. I put new antifreeze and oil in it last weekend, and filled the gas tank on Thursday morning. As long as it starts up when I leave the house in the morning, I should be okay. I should probably stop at Walmart tomorrow afternoon/evening on my way home from campus to get some groceries and other commodities, as if I do I can probably put the car in the garage and leave it in there for the foreseeable future. I'm hoping that I will be completely done with the semester's work by tomorrow evening, obviously.

The sinus infection I had prior to Thanksgiving is still hanging on here and there -- I've still got some pressure and aching off and on in my teeth and sinus floor. Sometimes it'll be fine for a few days and then fire back up. I don't know what the issue is, really; part of it is probably the weather, part of it is probably because I'm inside in the dry, recirculated-by-the-furnace air of this house, and a larger part of it is probably because of allergies and because it didn't completely clear up before, so it's regrouping. I still have antibiotics on standby if it fires up full-strength again, but I am really hesitant to use them unless I somehow have to deal with the levels of pain and pressure I faced (pun intended) prior to Thanksgiving week. In the meantime I am taking allergy pills and decongestants at regular intervals, and I have my humidifier on downstairs to add some moisture to the dry air in this house (and for when I sleep). I'll take a hot shower this evening, but that's about all I can do aside from keep myself at least adequately medicated and drinking fluids. I'll probably NyQuil myself to sleep tonight in hopes that it'll help whatever's in my face to drain out of it.

I'm getting my Christmas cards ready to go this week after I'm done with student-related stuff; I have some leftover ones from last year and some new ones I've purchased cheaply, and I plan to mix 'em all up and start sending them out. I have to get some more stamps first, but I should be able to start sending them out in batches over the course of the next week or so. I'll probably have twenty or so in all to mail out to friends and family all over the nation. I've cut back on the cards quite a bit in recent years and have only been sending them to about five or six people, usually, but as Daisy and I are getting married and I need to send a "Save the date" sort of announcement to folks, I'm sending cards to more people than usual.

That's about it, really; it's too cold to do anything else. I can barely feel my fingers, and every time I shower I tend to generate half a load of laundry to wash because I've been dressing in layers even indoors. Tomorrow is garbage day, for example, and it's not worth it to me to gather up what little trash I have and truck it down to the road in the cold -- despite the fact that I have a lot of recycling to go out. Screw it; I'll wait until next week when hopefully it's a bit warmer and/or I will have no other real choice but to take it out because there's so much of it. I haven't heard from Daisy since late last night, but as she has to work seven nights straight in order for her to be able to attend a friend's wedding next weekend, I'm leaving her alone and letting her sleep when she needs it. She's been running herself ragged pretty much since she got back home after Thanksgiving, and doesn't sleep enough as it is.

As for me, it's time to shower and eat something so that I can be warm and go to bed a little earlier than normal -- especially if my sinuses are going to be painful and not very fun to deal with for the rest of the night. I shall write here again once all of the semester's dust has settled and I can finally relax somewhat when everything is done.

Winter Wonderland

Fall semester: day seventy-nine

I'm not normally awake at 3AM on a Wednesday night, but as I went to bed at 4:30 PM or so yesterday afternoon, I awoke shortly after midnight with eight hours of well-rested sleep, and I'm up. Usually I would try to go back to sleep and sleep until my alarm went off, but eh. Today's the last day of classes, and all I have to do is give my 101 students their final exam and come home. I'll be out of the house for less than four hours today, so if I'm tired when I come back home I can pass out and not have to worry about it -- it'll be the first Thursday since October where I've not had to spend over 12 hours on the West campus. It's the last Thursday until late January that I'll have to be on any campus. Everything seems to be wrapping up nicely; as I've written here before, I always expect the semesters to end with a bang, not a whimper, but for the most part these days they end quietly and without incident. This one has been no real exception thus far. I'm still waiting on a few assignments from a few folks via email, but overall the vast majority of my students' work has been finished and I'm looking forward to a long weekend of getting some quality downtime and sleep.

However, the weather doesn't really want to cooperate with me. On Tuesday, as I mentioned, the temperature was 65 degrees in the afternoon and it felt like summer outside. It was sunny and warm, and I didn't even have to wear a jacket in the afternoon on West campus. By that evening, it was 45. By yesterday morning when I got up, it was 37 with fog. By the time I got to campus, it was 33. By the time I finished teaching my last 011 class of the semester, it was 27 and windy. By the time I pulled into my driveway at 1:30 or so, after stopping at Walmart for some essentials and groceries, it was snowing. The temperature had dropped by forty degrees and it had gone from sunny and warm to bitterly cold and snowing in less than twenty-four hours. 

Again, welcome to Kansas, folks.

I guess in the evening hours, some snow and sleet rolled through; there's a dusting of snow on the driveway and on the road, but none of it's sticking since the ground isn't completely frozen because it was so warm two days ago. I would imagine there will be some slick spots here and there for my drive down to West campus in a few hours, but it's not still snowing or doing anything outside. It's just really cold and windy. My part of Kansas is between the two big storm systems rolling through the midwest right now -- there's a bigger one south and east of me, and another north and west of me. The latter will give Daisy and her family some snow up in Omaha, from what she told me yesterday afternoon. For me, though, it's just supposed to be really cold from now through finals week, which doesn't bode well for my electric bill for December. This house gets really cold, and I have all-electric heat. I can huddle under blankets and wear as many layers as I want, but I have to keep the furnace running at least sporadically or the pipes will freeze when it gets cold enough. Kansas winters tend to suck not so much because of the snow, but because of the sheer cold.

My mother told me yesterday that she was readying my "birthday box," which she tries to do every year -- she sends me a big box filled with foods and small presents from home, like a care package of sorts. She wanted to know what I wanted her to put in it this year. I told her, point-blank, "money," and told her I didn't need anything. I don't need gift cards or candies or foods; if she wanted to do something for me she could take the money she would spend filling and shipping the box to me (usually a considerable sum) and drop it into my bank account so I can pay my bills between semesters. I don't have any savings anymore -- that cash has disappeared. I won't get paid again after my birthday until who knows when, because I don't know when the spring semester's paychecks will start and I don't know how many classes I'll get, which will affect the amount of those checks. I'll have to be able to survive between now and at least late January (conservative estimate) on the paychecks I'll receive tomorrow and on my birthday, and that is going to be very hard as it is. At the very least, I'll go a full month without pay, and it's not like my bills just stop rolling in because the semester goes on break over the holidays.

I used to be able to have some reliable sources of "Christmas and birthday money," where several people (mostly extended family) would send me checks or cash in a card since my birthday is right before Christmas, but that doesn't really happen anymore now that I'm, y'know, in my thirties. I, like most other people my age, am on my own at this point. I should be able to scrape by, but I would imagine that it will be very slim pickings for grocery shopping and the like for the next month or so, and most of it will have to be charged on my credit cards. I can't really avoid that; if I had another source of income it wouldn't be a problem, but I don't. And it's a temporary issue anyhow.

Oh well. I'll just have to do what I can. At least the loans people are now processing my forbearance request, and I should hear back from them in a few days at the most.

This weekend will be one of wearing layers and finishing up the last of what's left before Monday; I'll be trying to sleep as much as possible and rest myself to prepare for the final exam day. I'll be in there on campus early on Monday; the Director is my grading partner for the 101 exams I'll give this morning, and I want to be able to finish those up and post grades for them ASAP if at all possible. I also always help to decorate the Writing Center for our department in-house party at the end of the semester, known as the "Finals Feast."

I've probably written about the Finals Feast here before, but if I haven't I'll cover it briefly: on the first day of finals week, the entire English department gives their exams for all of the composition courses (011, 013, 015, 100, 101, 102) and therefore, all of us are there. Everyone who teaches one of those courses gives exams that day at the same time, from 1-2:50 PM. At noon, all of us gather in the Writing Center for what they call the Finals Feast -- thirty or so pizzas are trucked in by Pizza Hut's catering division (no, that's not an exaggeration), and all of us eat. Most of us bring side dishes or desserts as well (this year I'm bringing two big boxes of cordial cherries, and in the spring I made two large tubs of vegan Oreo pudding). It's a way for all of us as GTAs, professors, and administrators to be able to loosen up a bit and have a nice little bonding luncheon at the end of the semester as we wrap up all of our work. In the fall semester, it's even more fun, because generally there are Christmas-themed treats and side-dishes people bring in. I always get there early to help the Writing Center director put up all of the Christmas decorations as well, and it's a fun experience. Whatever's left after the feast ends is taken back to the main office's copy room, and is generally distributed amongst anyone who wants to take it home, as if nobody does it's just thrown away. There are usually four or five whole pizzas left over, and this year (since I'm basically broke) I'll probably take a large amount of that if nobody wants it, as it would prevent me from needing to go grocery shopping for a good week or so. We do have a larger department this year than we did before, so I'll have to see what happens.

The finals feast is also a good opportunity to catch up with friends and colleagues I haven't seen over the course of most of the semester, since I'm only on the main campus two mornings a week for about three hours at a time. Most of my friends who are still here are rarely around when I am, and I've barely even met 90% of the new GTAs who came in this fall because, well, it's not like I have classes with them or hang around the department as much as I used to. Now that I'm a professor, I'm in and out, and am only there when I need to be or have to be.

Despite the fact that it means I'll be poor after my birthday, I am indeed looking forward to the semester's end. While I do love teaching, and while my classes this semester were good for the most part, I look forward to being able to sleep my own hours and keep my own schedule. I won't be visiting my parents this Christmas, though I will be visiting Daisy's, and most of the time I'm off will be, for once, genuine downtime. I haven't had genuine downtime since August. It's not like I can do much with it since I don't have any money, but I'll remind you that I have the first three seasons of Breaking Bad I haven't touched yet, as well as the stack of Black Friday movies I got at Walmart last week. As an aside, during my trip to Walmart yesterday, they still had all of the leftover Black Friday movies in bins for the same price here. It was all the same stuff they had at the Walmart in York, but I found that interesting at the very least. I didn't get anything new -- again, it's not like I have the money or time for it anyway.

On that note, I'm going to get a shower and begin getting ready for my day. I don't have to leave the house for several more hours, no, but I have some stuff to take care of in the meantime.

Endings, Part III

Fall semester: day seventy-eight

I'm getting there, slowly but surely.


I've found that in my last week of classes, I'm dealing with a lot of little things more than anything else. Not many huge, important big things pop up -- it's more of the wrap-up, the bow on the semester and getting everything tied up neatly that's what's important this week.

Make no mistake, I am busy; I have been busy with work for my students since August, though not necessarily busy at all times. As a professor, there's always something that must be done, something that can't wait, something that has to be taken care of or that I should be working on during any and all free time. As the semester draws to a close, those things become smaller and smaller -- making sure I have everything graded and posted, making sure I've calculated scores correctly, making sure that I've wrapped up all that I've needed to wrap up. Hence, no big things hang over my head, but a bunch of those little ones.

On Monday morning, I was interviewed very quickly by one of our longest tenured professors in the department; it seems like he was gathering information to bring up in a faculty meeting at some point.

"You're a lecturer, correct?" he asked.

"Yes, sadly, that's the only title I get."

"I thought so. Do they offer you any health insurance or benefits?"

"Psh. No."

"Do you get invited to faculty meetings?"

"Not that I'm aware of," I said. "Though I could have been invited or otherwise welcomed to attend them at some point and haven't been made aware of it, or I simply missed it."

"Well, you would know, wouldn't you?" he asked. "I mean, they would've told you, right?"

"I suppose, though I'm rather out of the loop most of the time on department happenings."

"How much do you make per class?" he asked.

"$2,000," I replied. "I'm teaching three classes this semester, so I'm making six grand total. Before taxes."

State and federal taxes take about $150 or so out of each of my paychecks every two weeks. No, that's not a joke. I have the living shit taxed out of my wages and always have. I'm hoping this means I'll have a higher tax return for 2013 when I file in a few months.

"Thank you," he said. "I'm just taking an impromptu survey of the adjunct lecturers in and around the department."

"Sure, no problem," I said.

I'm wondering if this is going to come up at the next faculty meeting, and/or if anything will come of it if it does. It's not a secret that many of us adjuncts aren't exactly happy with how little we're being paid for the work we have to do. As Daisy's father put it over Thanksgiving break, it's more slave labor than anything else. I do it because I want to continue to teach and build my CV, and because I'd rather not stand over a burger grill or a fry cooker for forty hours a week to make, basically, the same wages or a little more/less. Still, many other states and universities have unionized their adjuncts for better pay and better (read: any) benefits. I would imagine that's probably never going to happen in a state as conservative as Kansas, so I'm not holding my breath there.

Yesterday morning, I faxed my second (third) set of forbearance forms to the loans people, making sure that yes, this time I had signed them. I got confirmation from the machine that it had been received, and by the time I arrived home last night I had an email from them stating that my forms had been received and were being processed. I don't know if that means the forms I faxed or the paper forms I mailed before leaving for Omaha last week, but regardless, they're the same and they're working on them. This calms my fears a bit -- everything should be processed in a somewhat timely manner and they should be able to see that I'm incredibly poor and grant me my year's forbearance. There's nothing in the way of that now. So, really, I'm a bit relieved. Am I still concerned about being able to survive on the two paychecks I have left between now and, say, the end of January? Yes, but hopefully I won't have to worry/wonder about this stressor that much longer.

Last night I wrapped up my 210 class with my students' oral presentations. Of the 20 students enrolled, about fifteen of them gave their presentations one after another from about 6:30 to 8:45 or so. The other five were either no-shows or they told me they couldn't do it because it wasn't ready/they were sick/they'd just give up and take the grade they had/etc. I have three or four of those students who are trying to finish up the last of their work for my class over the course of the next day or two, and I've given them until Thursday (since we'd normally have class on a Thursday) to get it done and get it to me via email. Those grades are being calculated and posted this weekend; I don't have to wait on them like I do my other two classes, as they have no final exam. All of the students who were there and did their oral presentations got between a 92 and 100 on them -- I tended to be a little lenient on the people who were visibly really nervous, and basically automatically gave a 100 to people who did really well. Because the class ran for as long as it did, I didn't get home until about 10PM.

There has been a drastic shift in the weather -- yesterday afternoon, it was in the 60s. It felt like summer when I stood outside to smoke; I didn't need a coat, even. By last night it was easily in the 40s, and now it's 34 outside with reports of mist and freezing fog throughout the area. There's apparently this big snowstorm system that's hitting the upper midwest right now (meaning, like, Minnesota and Michigan, those places) and below it the weather people here were predicting ice and snow over the next day or three. The Weather Channel just says cloudiness and coldness for me all the way through the weekend, which I'm okay with I suppose. I don't have a lot to do between now and then -- I'll be giving my 011 students their practice final today and coming home, giving my 101 final tomorrow morning and coming home (since I don't have my 210 class anymore) and will then be spending basically the rest of the weekend before finals week begins finalizing my grades for all three of my classes as much as possible, grading whatever is left.

Something else interesting (or troubling, whatever you want to call it) popped up yesterday. One of my 101 students mentioned that he'd signed up for my 102 class next semester -- the only class I've been outright told I will indeed be teaching -- and said that when he checked his schedule a few days ago, someone else was listed as the instructor of record for it.

"That's really strange," I said. "None of the composition classes should have named instructors at this point; we don't even get control of our classes' rosters via Banner and Blackboard until January 1."

This is true; I found this out this week as well via a Blackboard announcement. Blackboard is getting upgrades over the month we're off, but we should have access to our classes on there by the New Year. The spring semester starts on January 21.

"I don't know either," my student said. "I just thought it was weird."

"Let me look it up," I said. "I'll see if I can figure out what it is."

I looked up the class -- I had to sort by days/times until I found it -- and my student was right. There's only one 102 class listed at those days/times on the West campus; it's the one I'm supposed to teach, and the instructor of record is some guy named Kevin. Someone I've never heard of. Someone who, apparently, none of the West campus staff had ever heard of either.

My name's not Kevin. It's Brandon, in case you're new here.

Also of note: for the entirety of the 102 sections listed for the spring, of which there are probably forty or fifty -- that class is the only one which has an instructor listed. And it's not me.

"I wonder if it's a placeholder name, or something," I asked the West campus administrator. "[English department administrator] told me that I was indeed getting that class, and was happy that I was because almost all of my students in my 101 have already signed up for it and that keeps our student retention high."

"That's really odd," she said. "I'd ask [administrator] about it. Perhaps there was a typo at the registrar's office and they plugged in another ID number."

I sent an email to the English department administrator giving her the CRN for the course and asked her to look into it for me to see if there was something weird going on with it. That's something that needs to be looked into, as I think said administrator is the only one who can give the authorization to name an instructor of record for said classes, and it's indeed quite possible that there could've been a typo when they entered the ID number at the registrar's office. All employees have ID numbers; most of us have two of them -- one is the state ID for payroll and the like, and the other is the university ID which everyone has. Mistyping one number or letter is indeed quite possible.

I didn't hear back from her, but if she's in there this morning, I'll ask her about it then.

On that note, brave souls, I must dress myself and vacate the premises for my last in-front-of-a-class teaching day of the semester -- after today it's just final exams for my two remaining classes. Wahoo.

Endings, Part II

Fall semester: day seventy-seven

I actually got a fair amount accomplished yesterday.


In the morning, I faxed my forbearance paperwork to the loans people, with an attached letter explaining that I was sending it so that it would be processed more quickly, even though I mailed them a paper copy a week ago. It apparently sent just fine with no issues, so they've now had two copies sent to them, copies which they can look at and work on and be happy with -- except, like a moron, I forgot to sign and date the newly faxed form. So now, this morning on West campus, I have to fax another, third form, to them to get them to work on it in a timely manner, and I basically burned another "business day" in the process.

I'm really getting sick of this bullshit. I signed the first one and mailed it, of course, so that's still there and on its way, but it's ludicrous that it takes this long and that there's not an easier way aside from mail or fax. It's 2013; shouldn't there be a way to fill out an application for this online by typing into text boxes and then searching my HD for a digital copy of my pay stub to attach to it like an email attachment? This faxing and mailing shit is slow and ponderous and drives me up the wall. It really doesn't help my stress levels at all at a time of the year when my stresses are at an all-time high. I want this done, I want it taken care of, and most of all, I don't want to worry about it anymore. Waiting days and weeks at a time to get the people doing the paperwork to sort though it is terrifying, and it's burning time that I don't have to burn.

I keep reminding myself that people go through this sort of thing all the time and get it sorted out, and I keep reminding myself that this isn't really a big deal because I clearly qualify for forbearance based on my (quite low) pay -- but until it's done and over with I cannot stop stressing out about it. I am not a patient person. It's something that desperately just needs to be done. I also learned last night that there's no way to "postpone a payment" for a month as I was told -- it's just another way of them saying "apply for forbearance." Well, okay, I've done that. Like, three times now. And a fourth today. Now process the fucking forms, please. Just do it. Time is wasting.

On the plus side, I won't go into default if it takes them longer than the due date to process the forbearance, only delinquency. It has to be in delinquency for 270 days before it goes into the default category, so that's good, right? Delinquency may affect my credit rating in the short run if that forbearance timeframe runs past the due date of my first bill, but I really, really don't have a choice here, folks. I simply do not have the money. There's nothing else I can do. Literally nothing else. It won't even let me pay it with a credit card -- it all has to be from a checking or savings account. I checked. That's bullshit in itself. This is why they just have to do it.

I wish I could tell you how sick I am of all of this, really I do.  I don't understand why it's so difficult. I don't understand why they couldn't process my forbearance paperwork while I was in grace, because it's not like they didn't know what my loans' balance was before I exited it. I don't understand why they need up to ten business days to receive and process everything I send them or why the window between my grace ending and when my first payment is due is three weeks. It's not like I don't plan to pay back my loans, I do -- but for fuck's sake, give a little more time if it's going to take you so long to do your jobs.

Anyway. This morning I'll fax that other set of paperwork to them and then I'll (hopefully) get a response that they're working on it sometime later this week. I mean, there's really nothing else I can do. If I go into delinquency, I do -- and it'll be their fault, not mine for lack of trying since I've been sending them stuff over and over, and it's not my fault they took four days to update my account after my grace period ended.

Again, I know it will get all sorted out, but shit, the timeframe is so frustrating. I have enough shit to worry about and deal with; I don't need this as well.

Today/tonight I will (hopefully) teach my last Tuesday/Thursday classes of the semester. My 101 students are turning in their final papers today and are taking their practice final. My 210 students are giving their oral presentations, starting as early as possible. All I'll have to do on Thursday, hopefully, is go in there in the morning, give the 101 students their final exam, and come home, which means my weekend should start about twelve hours earlier than normal. This is good, as it's supposed to snow on Thursday afternoon/night here...and it's supposed to be in the 60s here today. I'm not kidding:

Yeah, that's the actual forecast. I just screencapped it.

Again, welcome to Kansas, where if you don't like the weather...wait five minutes.

It's actually below freezing now -- 28 degrees -- as I type this at 5:40 AM. It was in the mid-60s yesterday afternoon when I came home. Now, mind you, it is December, but as always, this warm/cold, warm/cold, warm/cold/snow weather cycle is killing my allergies because I can't get used to any sort of weather for any duration of time. When I was in Omaha last week, it was bitterly cold with 20-30mph winds all the time, and there was snow on the ground there which had been there (according to Daisy and her family) for well over a week. Omaha isn't incredibly far from here -- it's not like it's thousands of miles away, only 300 or so. I can't remember the actual mile count, really. I know it's 200 miles from Concordia, the little town we stop at in northern Kansas, and that's probably around 100 from here, so it's an average at best. Yet, still, snow on the ground. It's nutty, I swear.

Daisy is supposed to find out this week about whether she got her new job up there or not. I'm hoping she finds out sooner rather than later. I was told yesterday morning in the department that I will have several classes in the spring, and not to worry about that, reaffirming my assumptions and further calming my fears there. I told the administration once more that I'll take anything and everything they can give me, as I'll need the money. Desperately. I was assured I'll be fine once more. I already know for certain that I'll have most of my current 101 students in a 102 class on West campus on the same times/days my 101 class is held over there now, and that more than likely I'll get the once-a-week 210 class over there on Wednesday nights as well. I'm good to teach anything the administration throws my way, and added that I love doing the 011 class I'm teaching now because it's fun -- which really seemed to visibly calm the fears of the office administrator. So, I'm not exactly worried about the spring semester. All I'm worried about for spring is the weather in the first half of the semester or so, and having enough money to pay the bills and save up a bit for the wedding and afterwards. After the wedding, I don't know where we'll be living and/or if I will continue teaching here or anywhere else for the fall -- it depends heavily on where we end up and what sort of job Daisy has at that time, but the big thing is that I'll no longer be doing everything all on my own since we'll have a dual-income household regardless. It's really these next few weeks and the next month or so overall where I'll be a little panicky about finances and the like. I really can't do much about that, to be honest with you. I just have to wait to see where the cards fall.

Yesterday I also learned my "grading partners" and the location of my room for my 011 students' final exam. The room for the exam is on the bottom floor of the building the English Department is in -- it's the first time I've ever been able to give an exam in my "home building" since I've been teaching for the university. My grading partners are the Director himself for my 101 final, and one of our fellow poet GTAs for the 011 final. The Director doesn't teach a 101 class this semester, so I don't have to "trade" exams with him; he just has to grade mine. I asked him about this yesterday morning, and he said he'll be there early on Monday morning so we could get them all done quickly. The poet GTA grading my 011 exams is an awesome guy, and we'll be able to knock them out quickly (I assume, anyway), so there's a really good chance I'll be done fairly early on Monday afternoon and will have all of my grades entered into the system. I'll be able to enter my 210 class's grades into the system tomorrow at the earliest, really, as that class should end tonight. I am really antsy to get all of it finished and done with so that I can focus on more pressing matters (such as bills, paying my car insurance this month, and taking care of the forbearance thing).

On that note, I'm getting a shower and getting dressed for the day, my last long day of the semester (hopefully). It can't end soon enough.

Endings, Part I

So, it's December now. That means it's time to put up the Christmas board.

The Christmas board? You may be asking silently. Well, for those of you who don't know what it is, it's this:

It's a lot more decorated than this, of course; I decorate it with new stickers and the like every year. It's become a dry-humor tradition in my household.

Why a board? I have three cats. Three curious, get-into-shit, get-up-on-the-counters little bastard cats who, were it an actual tree (artificial or genuine), would destroy it. I know this. It's not hard to assume, knowing my cats and knowing the shit they tear up anyway. They leave the board alone, because it's a board. There's nothing flashing or shiny dangling off of it. It's a board.

Daisy desperately wants an actual Christmas tree in our home once we're married. I've told her that is a supremely bad idea because of the cats, and my parents agree, but she insists. I'm gone out of the house for too many hours every day to have a real tree up, and I don't foresee anything being different next year. Despite the fact that all of these cats are six years old, all of them still tear ass through the house, chase each other, spar, and play with toys like they're still kittens. Anyone who says "oh, cats calm down and become sedentary after they grow up; they stop being so crazily active" is full of shit. Pete, who will turn seven in May, is still as much of a bastard as he's always been, and would shred a Christmas tree if left alone with it for an hour. Pete runs back and forth through the house at full speed for no reason; he pounces on and bites your feet in bed, he waits for one of the girls to walk by before jumping on their back and pinning them to the floor. He's a dick. Sadie tears shit up as well; she's too dumb to remember that if she tips her water dish over, it spills, and then she doesn't have any water, so she comes crying to me when there's no water to be drank since it's all over the floor. I used to have a water bowl with an attached 1-gallon bottle of water for the cats, a gravity feed, and she would knock the bottle off an hour after I set it up, every time, and then act surprised when the water went everywhere. Yeah, she's dumb. Maggie? Eh. Maggie never does anything or gets into anything -- she's too fat to care. She won't even chase the dot from the laser pointer when I play with it with the other cats; she'll look at it and look at me as if to say "I'm not chasing that, screw you."

"We're having a tree," Daisy said firmly. "There's not really any discussion about it."

"Okay, then you can take care of it," I replied. "You can fix it and clean up the messes every time the cats knock it over or break all the ornaments, tear branches off it, pee on it, and anything else they do."

This is a grand experiment waiting to happen, I suppose, next Christmas. And when it does happen, I'll sit back with a knowing smile and will say/do nothing, holding the Christmas board in my lap and stroking it lovingly, as I know the cats have no interest in it whatsoever.

Anyway.

Today is the last day of my Thanksgiving "break," I suppose. Tomorrow morning I join the ranks of my fellow professors again as we begin to wrap up the semester. I have now finished my grading, though it took quite some time to do, and will return to campus for in-class conferences, practice finals, actual finals, and oral presentations this week before I get a shorter break next weekend before Finals Week starts up. I'm reaching this state of zen-like calm at this point, really; yes, I have a lot of work to do in the interim, but the calm comes from knowing that it will all be over soon, and knowing that a week from tomorrow will possibly be the last day I have to be on any campus for about six weeks. I shall begrudgingly turn on my alarm clock tonight when I go to bed for one of the last few days I'll have to do so. Sleep deprivation is no longer a concern; I'll sleep when I do, and when I don't it won't matter -- I am desperately looking forward to Tuesday the 10th, when I may be completely done with everything if I'm really, really lucky, and can sleep for days afterwards if necessary.

Last night was my first night of "normal" sleep in a long time -- meaning that it's the first night since last Sunday night where I slept in my own bed, alone with my kitties, and could stretch out and sleep like I always do. I slept until well after noon today because of this. The flannel sheets Daisy's parents gave me kept me really warm last night, and coupled with my electric blanket, I passed out and stayed blissfully asleep and unaware of the world around me for many hours.

There are a few things I have to do today, and the weather is indeed helping -- it's 60 degrees outside right now. I need to put some new oil and coolant in the car to prep it for the cold a bit more; it's supposed to be really cold and snow later this week, so that can only help, and I need to take out the trash and recycling. I also have to print another copy of the forbearance form and write a short letter to include with it so that I can fax it when I get to work in the morning -- I mentioned this before -- so that hopefully it gets into somebody's hands before the deadline, as the mail is notoriously slow for that sort of thing. It's now been a week, and they email me when the form is received. Well, I haven't gotten any emails yet, and the clock is ticking, so I don't have much of a choice in the matter other than to fax them more forms tomorrow just in case. That's all I can do.

I will say that it may be difficult to get back into the "groove" of being a professor for the last few days of class; I've sent my students emails reminding them of what they're all doing this week, but they're as much reminders for me as they are for them. I've not taught a class since Thursday the 21st, so I myself am out of the loop -- big time. I know what I'm supposed to do, obviously, but to remind them to get all of their own work done is the big thing since I have a fair amount of slackers scattered through my classes. Most of my students are great, but still, in any semester you'll have the ones who don't really care that much. That's basically universal.

Really, I'm looking forward to coming home tomorrow around noon and going back to bed in the afternoon. I know my sleep cycles will be off because of the change back to work, but again, after a week from tomorrow that won't matter.

So. On with it.