Dismantling Myths

One of my cousins posted this list of "20 Things a Mother Should Tell Her Son" on Facebook this morning, and as I read through it, I began to disagree heavily with a lot of them, or otherwise had issues with some of the messages being conveyed in them. While in theory, it's certainly a decent list filled with decent ideas, in practice I have a feeling that it would be a bit more difficult to execute -- not every son is the same. Believe me, I know this; I am my mother's son, for better or worse (but mostly better). So, without any further ado, let me dismantle this list in the places that it needs to be dismantled:

20 Things a Mother Should Tell Her Son

1. You will set the tone for the sexual relationship, so don't take something away from her that you can't give back.

Not necessarily true. At all. In fact, I don't even know what the "don't take something away from her that you can't give back" thing really means, to be honest with you. It's rather cryptic. And, aside from the fact that saying that the male will set the tone for the sexual relationship is highly sexist, it's not been my experience in almost every relationship I've ever been in, to be honest with you. If a relationship progresses to sexual stages, I've found that one can be damned sure it's going to be on the woman's terms, not yours. There's no such thing as "going caveman" on a woman anymore. If you get that reference and what I mean by it, congratulations. Let's hope you're a respectful man who honors his woman's wishes and desires.

2. Play a sport. It will teach you how to win honorably, lose gracefully, respect authority, work with others, manage your time and stay out of trouble. And maybe even throw or catch.

This sounds more like advice that a father would give to a son, not a mother. My mother, for instance, did not even become a fan of sports of most sorts until she was about my age; while I did play football off and on in the late 90s, there was no need for my mother to encourage me to do this. I wanted to do it on my own. And there are many other activities that will teach a man to "win honorably, lose gracefully, respect authority, manage your time and stay out of trouble." All of those characteristics in my own life did not come from playing sports -- all of them came from playing Dungeons and Dragons with my friends. And I still learned them just as effectively as a sport would have taught them to me.

3. Use careful aim when you pee. Somebody's got to clean that up, you know.

Fair enough. I have no issue with this one.

4. Save money when you're young because you're going to need it some day.

I think this advice is applicable to anyone, from anyone, not just from a mother to her son. 

5. Allow me to introduce you to the dishwasher, oven, washing machine, iron, vacuum, mop and broom. Now please go use them.

I requested, even before high school, that my mother show me how to run the washer and dryer so that I could do my own laundry. By the time I was in college, a fair amount of the time I was even buying my own detergent. It's not hard to run an oven or a vacuum (I was vacuuming the house for my mother when I was in elementary school) and as a casually-dressed man, I have no use for an iron. I own one, but I've never plugged it in for use, and I'll probably get rid of it when I move out of this house in the spring. As for the dishwasher in my parents' house, it's a modular one which runs off the sink spigot. I've never used it. But, the one here in my own home I run all the time.

6. Pray and be a spiritual leader.

FUCK RELIGION. Of all of the things on this list, I disagree with this one the most. Instead of telling your children to blindly pray to whatever God or Gods you worship, instead foster in them the desire to think for themselves, to examine things from a logical, rational, and scientific perspective. Tell them to ask questions. Tell them to question everything and everyone. Tell them that all we really know of life is what's in the physical world, in the here and now, and what came before or what comes after is meaningless. If you do this? Surprise, not only will they develop their own morals and ethics, but they will be strong ones based in reality and logic, not on a book filled with terms like "thee" and "thou" and "smite."

7. Don't ever be a bully and don't ever start a fight, but if some idiot clocks you, please defend yourself.

Absolutely. But I would also add this -- if you see someone being violent to (or being unjust to) another, or to you, and they deserve to have the snot beaten out of them? Do it. Some people say that violence is never the answer. Hell, Daisy says that to me all the time (she also hates the fact that I own a gun, many knives, and a sword). I disagree, to a large extent.  Sometimes it is. There are many ways to make sure a terrible person will never hurt you or someone you love ever again -- and one of the most effective ways is to beat the living shit out of said person. Sometimes it's deserved. Not often, not even close to often, but sometimes. As mentioned above, there's no proof that the concept of "they'll get what's coming to them" or other forms of afterlife-like-karma exists. We are karma. We are what's coming to them. There's no automatic justice in this world -- sometimes we have to dish it out ourselves, regardless of the consequences, in the name of doing what's right. And sometimes, in extreme situations (like when you see a guy beating his wife or children) I personally think it's absolutely acceptable to take out your baseball bat and go to town on him. My thoughts on this have not changed since I was very young, and will never change. This is also why I absolutely support the death penalty despite being very liberal on almost all other fronts.

8. Your knowledge and education is something that nobody can take away from you.

Nobody can take it away from you, but they can make it relatively useless if you let them. Don't let them. Learn everything you can. Study things that you're not necessarily interested in, or things that may appear useless at first glance, to become a smarter, more rounded individual. Don't let anyone make you feel inferior when you're not, and if you are actually inferior to someone else, never let them know. The satisfaction of subtly being better than (or making everyone perceive that you are the better/smarter person) in every sort of knowledge-based or educational situation is a finely-honed and crafted skill that, when perfected, nobody will be able to take away from you either. But don't be smug or arrogant about it; subtlety is key. Trust me, I know. And I also know many arrogant, smug dickwads -- but for every arrogant, smug dickwad I know, I also know someone who is quietly very intelligent and educated, but doesn't hold it over anyone. Be one of those people -- but also don't be afraid to whip out your knowledge and drop science on someone if they're being an asshole.

9. Treat women kindly. Forever is a long time to live alone and it's even longer to live with somebody who hates your guts.

I think the better advice here would be something along the lines of if you're going to invest the time in looking, at least find the right person for you when you're done. Everyone will make mistakes. Both men and women, despite their best intentions, will occasionally treat each other badly or slog through relationships that are flawed and/or unfulfilling. Yes, of course, you should do your best to treat women kindly, but the golden rule applies here as well: treat everyone as you would like to be treated, not just women. Forever is a long time to live alone, yes, but we don't live forever. We do, eventually, die. The focal message here is that you shouldn't waste your time on someone you hate or who hates you, because all you really need in life is yourself. And you can always get a pet if you get lonely and never find anyone who fully "gets you."

10. Take pride in your appearance.

Sure. Okay. I'll agree with this.

11. Be strong and tender at the same time.

Okay, again, I agree with this as well. But know when to be strong and when to be tender. Yes, it's okay to cry, even at movies, even at girly movies and rom-coms. And some musicals. ONLY SOME musicals. Yes, it's okay to hug and kiss other men when the situation warrants it. It is not okay to be a cold-hearted prick when you should be strong; being strong means being strong when your strength is needed by those who love you, and I also think it's only fair that those loved ones should be strong for you in times of need as well.

 

12. A woman can do everything that you can do. This includes her having a successful career and you changing diapers at 3 A.M. Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.

Absolutely true, and I agree with this one probably more than anything else on the list of things a mother should tell her son. Gender equality isn't just a concept, and gender roles are manufactured. Mutual respect is key in any relationship if it's going to last. I'm also sort of stymied as to why this list is so hetero-centric. Hey Moms out there, there's a chance your son(s) will be gay, too. So keep that in mind while you're telling them about equality.

13. "Yes ma'am" and "yes sir" still go a long way.

Yes, yes they do. And I still -- at age thirty -- say both on almost a daily basis.

14. The reason that they're called "private parts" is because they're "private". Please do not scratch them in public.

Hey. Seriously. Sometimes balls need to be scratched. What a double-standard. If a guy sees a woman scratching her crotch, ass, or boob, we're not going to be offended by it. Things itch. Deal with it. This should be removed from the list.

15. Peer pressure is a scary thing. Be a good leader and others will follow.

Peer pressure is only scary if you let it affect you, and some people will never be a leader of anything -- it's not in their nature. Instead, this should be something along the lines of be your own person, and don't do anything you don't want to do. 

16. Bringing her flowers for no reason is always a good idea.

Sure it is. Until she asks what you did wrong, you tell her that you didn't do anything wrong and just wanted to get her flowers, she doesn't believe you, and a fight ensues. Trust me, I've been in this situation before. Instead, be nice at all times, be caring, loving, and sweet, and stick to gifts on meaningful occasions only -- making sure never to forget those dates, ever.

17. Be patriotic.

Meaningless pap. Needs to be removed from this list. Blind patriotism/nationalism is part of what's crippling and/or otherwise destroying this country. Fight for what you believe in, not for an idea or "-ism."  Our country is quickly becoming a very, very frightening place for many who live here -- we have no universal healthcare, our minimum wage is frighteningly low, taxes are high, racism is still shockingly prevalent, and mass discrimination on multiple levels is still forced upon homosexuals and women. I live in Kansas -- quite possibly one of the reddest states in the country -- and I see all of this firsthand on a daily basis. I'm sick of people telling me to "be proud of my country" and "feel lucky that you have it as good as you do." I do feel lucky already -- I realize that my life isn't that bad. But while I am proud of many things my country does, I am just as ashamed of many, many others.

18. Potty humor isn't the only thing that's humorous.

No, it's not. But it is pretty damned funny a lot of the time.

19. Please choose your spouse wisely. My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me spending time with you and my grandchildren.

No, she won't (and again with the hetero-centric stuff). Ever. Regardless of who one chooses as a spouse, there should never be any sort of "gatekeeper" ideology at play. If you want to see your grandchildren, you get to see your grandchildren -- that's just how it works. I would expect nothing less from my wife, as well; if she wanted her parents to spend time with the kids, I would never be opposed to that. There shouldn't be any "no" or "you're not allowed" in a happy marriage when it comes to the kids spending time with family or their grandparents; if there is, it's probably a sign that the marriage was a bad idea or is otherwise going through problems. Children should never be used as "leverage," and family is family. I can understand if one spouse or the other doesn't like the in-laws, or otherwise doesn't get along with them that well, but that shouldn't be taken out on the kids, and they shouldn't be deprived of the grandparent experience. I only have one grandparent left -- my eighty-five-year-old grandmother, and that woman helped raise me. She is responsible for who I am as a man today as much as my parents and siblings are.

20. Remember to call your mother because I might be missing you.

Um, yeah, about that. I do call my mother, infrequently, but about once or twice a month on average. I also email back and forth with her at least two or three times a week, so I think that counts as well. I would call much more if I did not have a prepaid phone plan. But yes, I agree, this is very important. For most men in the world, nobody will ever care about them or love them as much as their mothers do.



As I was reading down through this list, I was surprised by all the stuff that was left off it -- important stuff that a mother needs to tell her son, including so many things that my mother told me. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I am my mother's son for better or worse, but mostly better -- she really is responsible for shaping the man I am today probably more than anyone else. My mother divorced my father before my fifth birthday, and for most of my childhood she worked hard -- sometimes two jobs -- to raise and take care of me. When I went astray (and, at times, I did) it was she who did everything she could to get me back on track, and she succeeded. It was she who I wanted to make proud, to show that I could be a worthwhile human being, to be successful for. I owe almost everything in my life to my mother, and still do -- I love her and respect her, even though we may not necessarily agree on everything, as highly as any son possibly can -- and words cannot describe how grateful I am to have a mother who was (and is) as good to me as mine is.

That being said, I have created a new list, a list of things that my mother told me as well as things that all mothers should tell their sons:

1. It's okay if you're gay; I will still love you no matter what, so be yourself and be proud of who you are -- I will love and accept anyone who loves you or who you decide to love; love knows no boundaries.
2. Life is hard and rarely fair, and you have to work hard for everything you get in it. Nobody's going to hand you anything for free or without conditions, so don't expect that and don't feel entitled to a free ride.
3. Don't be a douchebag. No, seriously, that's it. Don't be a douchebag.
4. If someone is a douchebag to you, it is perfectly acceptable to tell them to go fuck themselves, or something similar. If that doesn't make them go away, hit them. Hard. Preferably hard enough to where they don't get back up. Use a blunt object if necessary.
5. Act like you've got some sense of tact and social graces. There are times and places to be serious, just like there are times and places for fun and goofiness. Know the difference between the two.
6. Don't let your vices control you. Any vices.
7. Never let anyone belittle you for who you are or what you do with your life; those who do are usually jealous or envious.
8. Similarly, cut "poisonous" or otherwise "toxic" people out of your life; those who truly love and care about you will always stand by you, and those who don't are not worthy of your time.
9. Do not perpetuate violence, discrimination, or hate towards any one person or any particular group of people. Everyone is equal; whether you like or dislike someone should be based on who they are as a person, not on their race, sexuality, or ideologies.
10. Get an education that means something to you and will allow you to enjoy what you do for a living, not simply because it will make you a lot of money. Money is meaningless if you are too miserable to enjoy it.
11. Similarly, money cannot buy you happiness, but having it will make your life much more tolerable and less stressful, as it will solve many problems. Therefore, take care of your finances accordingly to the best of your ability.
12. Fall in love cautiously and slowly, not quickly or casually. Choose carefully who you form relationships with, because your psychological makeup will be greatly affected by whether those relationships fail or succeed -- and if they fail, you will carry those battle wounds with you subconsciously into every relationship you enter thereafter, whether you think you will or not.
13. News flash: most relationships do fail. Pick up the pieces and move on. If someone doesn't love you, falls out of love with you, or leaves you, it's their loss -- not yours.
14. Marry, or stay married, only for love -- not for money, not for children, not for sex, not for material possessions. Only love. If anything else comes into the equation, then your marriage will probably not survive.
15. Friendships can be as as powerful and as close as family bonds, and interactions with your friends will also help to shape who you are, so choose carefully who you want to associate with or be associated with.
16. It is okay to cry, be sensitive, and to let your emotions out when necessary. Don't bottle them up.
17. It is also okay to be angry, to yell, to freak out on occasion -- but be sure you have a damned good reason to do so, and make sure it is productive. Don't be a drama queen.
18. Take good care of your car and it will take good care of you. 
19. Just because you drive safely doesn't mean everyone else does. Be on the lookout for idiots, everywhere. 
20. Foster a unique skillset that will serve you in times of need or as a backup plan if you otherwise fail at life -- for example, learn how to fix a computer. Learn how to build things. Learn how to run a cash register. Learn how to cook. Learn as much as you can in many varied fields so that you can fall back on those skills when, or if, times are tough.
21. Be an overachiever. Do everything you can to the best of your ability, and go above and beyond the call of duty, and you will be recognized for your effort -- because most people only do the bare minimum.
22. Along those lines, also know when to quit.
23. Everyone gets depressed sometimes. Don't let that depression dominate your life, and if you think it's going to, get help for it -- don't suffer through it alone.
24. Keep a clean living space. This means vacuum, do your laundry and dishes when you need to, and to pick up after yourself when necessary -- nobody is going to do this for you, and this mentality also will extend to the rest of your life once you get into the habit of it.
25. Keep yourself as healthy as possible; this includes things like exercise, eating right, and taking your vitamins -- but don't go overboard. Everything comes in moderation; balance the "good" with the "bad."
26. If you can, grow a thick beard. Not only will it make you look older and wiser, but subconsciously, people will respect you more than if you stay prim-and-properly clean shaven.
27. Don't let society tell you what is fashionable in regards to your clothing, tastes in music, movies, or other entertainment -- what you like is what you like regardless of whether other people deem it "good" or "bad."
28. Still, learn that there is indeed a "good" and "bad" when it comes to these things, and know that you will be judged on your opinions of them whether you want to be or not, so develop a broad spectrum.
29. Disregard what most other people think of you or say about you; the world is a vicious place filled with many mentally-disturbed individuals, and in the long run none of it will matter.
30. Get a pet before you have children, and possibly even before you enter a serious relationship with someone else -- it will teach you responsibility, compassion, and how to care for another living being.
31. Learn how to defend yourself not only with words, but fists/feet and other weapons. Everyone should know how to properly wield a knife and load/shoot/clean a firearm -- learn this on your own, and spend time perfecting these skills by yourself; avoid the military institution at all costs.
32. Learn how to live alone and be self-reliant; you will not always have someone to talk to or spend time with, and you will not always have someone to love or otherwise take care of. Learn to be at peace with yourself and who/where you are in life, even if it's not the best of situations.
33. Read. Read a lot. Whether you read books, blogs, newspapers, poems, scholarly articles, or anything else, read. You will develop your vocabulary and will be a much more interesting and articulate person. Sometimes you must force yourself to read things you don't necessarily enjoy in order to become this person. As Calvin's dad would say, "it builds character."
34. It is perfectly acceptable to not have a religion or spiritual philosophy in life. Nobody truly knows anything about what comes before or after our existence on this planet, but your morals, ethics, and values do not have to come from a book, nor should they -- form them yourself.
35. Similarly, if you do have a religion or belief system of any sort, never force it on anyone else. In fact, just shut up about it unless specifically asked. Don't preach or try to convert people to your way of thinking -- remember, those people have made conscious choices just like you have, and if you don't agree with them, at least agree to disagree and leave it at that. There should be no desire to "show someone the error of their ways" when it comes to belief systems or other philosophies -- their ways are just as valid as yours are.
36. Don't hold grudges and don't be vindictive. Life's too short and most of the time, it's not worth it.
37. When revenge is warranted, however, exact it in such a fashion that its recipient will never know what's coming, and in such a fashion that its effects will be felt in myriad ways for a long time. 
38. True revenge of this nature is warranted very, very rarely -- maybe once or twice in a lifetime -- so be sure that you use it wisely. Don't be petty.
39. When there is a task to be done, do it -- don't procrastinate. Don't let things hang over your head, as they'll create needless stress.
40. Get health insurance. You'll eventually need it.
41. Get life insurance. Your loved ones will eventually need it. 
42. Being social is overrated. 
43. Being single is underrated.
44. Sex is vastly overrated.
45. Compassion is vastly underrated.
46. However, this being said, do experiment with things and people. I mean this in the broadest sense possible, in most of the ways all of you reading this can imagine. This will allow you to experience what you like and dislike, will broaden your mind, and will more than likely provide some good stories to tell later -- but be responsible, and don't go overboard.
47. Finally, if you take nothing else from this list, remember this and this alone: all you ever need in life to survive is yourself. You don't need money. You don't need possessions, a car, a job, a religion, someone to love or love you, or anything else. All of those things have been pushed upon you by society and the media to make you feel that you will not be whole without them. You are. You just need yourself. Live your life the way you want to live it. If you can't live your life the way you want to live it, then make the best of the situation and do what you can with it. Nobody can hold you back from anything you desire but yourself. Ever.

I will say that a great number of these things my own mother told me while I was growing up, including some of the more controversial ones (such as #4, which I paraphrased and added to a bit), and the rest are things that if I have children, I hope their own mother will tell them -- and if she doesn't, I will. The world's a tough place and life isn't perfect. There are many, many more things I could add to my own list above, but I'm pretty sure I've covered most of the basics.

And so, I'll end this post now. I have a lot to do tonight, including assembling Christmas gifts and taking care of various household chores such as cleaning, laundry, and taking the trash out. I hope you enjoyed.