Christmas 2019, Part IV

(written piecemeal between December 28 - January 12, all in the aftermath)

Hi all.

The past few days have been very tiring and I wanted to be able to sit down here and tell the story of Christmas once I had time to do so. Even in the downtime after the holiday, however, it's been difficult to do that since we've still been running around quite a bit. So, for the sake of brevity, I'm going to tell the story from where I left off, in as much or as little detail as I deem necessary.  So let's begin.

Daisy woke up around 7:30 on Christmas morning, and after getting a little coffee in my system, we got dressed and drove over to the parents' house, where we were informed by our oldest nephew that they'd already started opening presents. This, despite the fact that everyone was supposed to wait until we were there and all of the presents were there (we were bringing everything for the kids and the family with us, as we hadn't done that the night before).

What followed was close to two hours of present-opening. Here's what we got for the family:

• For the parents: two wood plaques I'd woodburned designs on, stained, and coated/sealed in polyurethane to protect them, nuts, candies, a display-hood-ornament looking thing for Mom, and some other odds and ends that Daisy picked up. This is the first time in years that aside from the plaques, I was not involved in what Daisy got for the parents -- she generally has much better taste than I do for them, and I know there's some stuff I'm missing here.
• For the sister and brother-in-law: a wood plaque done in much the same way as the others, but from olive wood and not burned or stained, but drawn with their family name and also coated in polyurethane, a candle, Cocomels, and some other odds and ends that Daisy found.
• For the boys: a drone (for the middle kid), close to 50 foam glider airplanes (for all of the kids), a robot hand building kit (for the oldest kid), and a toy dump truck with a little man inside (for the youngest kid that's not the infant) -- plus stocking stuffer things like bouncing putty, sticker books, crayon sets, etc etc, whatever Daisy was able to find for them that was stocking-stuffery.
• BONUS: for my brother-in-law as well as the boys, I got them a plug and play HDMI dongle Centipede game, which had 20 old Atari games already installed on it. I'd won a prize in the gift drawing at work, and I used said prize voucher to get this for them.

I was particularly proud of the wood plaques, as I'd planned to make them for several months in advance, had to get the tools and materials myself, and spent several weeks making all of them. They took time and energy to create and weren't something that was just picked off a shelf. The gifts we spend time creating are the ones we're most proud of, I think. I made one for Daisy as well, but as we had not opened our own gifts at home yet, she had this one ruined for her when I gave the same things to everyone else. This is fine, though; she had an inkling that's what I was doing anyway, as I'm sure the smell of burning wood and wood stain coming from my room about a month ago all but gave it away anyhow.

Anyway, here's what we got:

• From the parents: a brand new, very large and intricate quilt for our bed in a bee/honeycomb/flower motif -- this is the big gift that both Daisy and I knew about, and is the first quilt Mom has made for us since our wedding quilt five years ago. The sister and brother-in-law got one as well, and Mom also made me a smaller, rainbow quilt with rainbow animals on it since I'd worn out Daisy's other rainbow animal quilt since we've been together. Mom also got Daisy a new nightgown, which she loves, amongst some other little odds and ends.
• From the family: a gift box full of three different kinds of popcorn kernels, two mugs, a popcorn bowl/holder thing, and a $25 gift card to the AMC theaters (which is where we go). 
• From the grandparents in Nova Scotia: a beautiful hand-knitted/quilted holiday placemat set -- with a note apologizing that there were no wool socks ready yet (this is hilarious because, several years back, Daisy's grandmother sent us a pair of wool socks that I love and wear all the time, and she knows it). 

After all of the presents were finished and the living room was at least partially cleaned up, we had breakfast -- Daisy had made several batches of blueberry mini-muffins, which were quite good, and I ate probably ten of them, washing them down with the last of the coffee in the coffee pot. We had a video call with Daisy's other sister (who lives in Alberta, so she didn't make it to town for the holidays) and got to talk to a few of her kids as well, briefly.

The weather was, as mentioned before, gorgeous on Christmas Day -- it was over 40 when we left the house in the morning, and by the afternoon it had reached nearly 60 -- which is good, since the drone I'd gotten the kids needed to be played with outside, and we did so, two different times, for as long as the battery would last each time. I'd worn shorts and a hoodie, but was even getting too warm for comfort in the hoodie at times (plus, having the long sleeves made it hard to keep my tattoo moisturized and made it itch).

For a large chunk of the day, while the other adults took care of the older kids as well as getting dinner prepared, I spent my time on "baby duty" with my almost five-month old nephew. I held, talked to, and kept that adorable baby boy occupied for hours, and truthfully it was my favorite part of the Christmas experience. I also did what I could to help keep an eye on the other boys to keep them settled down and out of trouble as much as possible, because I could tell that their parents as well as Daisy's parents were becoming more frazzled by the hour. It was a lot for me as well; I was getting overwhelmed with all the noise and rambunctiousness of those children, and holding the baby and lavishing attention on him kept me centered. To help calm them down and keep them occupied while the food was being cooked, the boys watched the new Grinch movie on Netflix, during which I, yes, held the baby and talked to him and generally acted as a nanny, even when he farted on me twice. Hard. And loudly. 

In the late afternoon hours, we had dinner. I don't exactly remember when, but I know it was starting to get dark, so....around that time. The temperature was dropping as the sun went down almost so quickly that you could watch and gauge it in realtime. Dinner was very good, though a rather minimalist affair for a ten-person Christmas dinner -- the parents made a turkey (which obviously Daisy and I ate none of) and Daisy made corn, stuffing, green beans, her famous mashed potatoes, etc. We didn't have bread or rolls, and Mom had made pickles and cranberry sauce (not together, because that would be weird). 

I should also mention at this point that Mom had become sick between the 23rd or so and Christmas Day, and was continually getting worse. On Christmas Day she was fighting through it for the sake of all of us and the kids, and we were all trying to help her as much as possible. Sometimes, however, that is easier said than done, and when you're miserable, you're miserable. She has spent the time since Christmas more or less confined to her bed because she's felt so awful. Daisy herself has begun to get sick as well, and has been fighting it off as much as possible since Christmas night. Me? So far, I'm fine. Apparently my flu shot kicked in just in time for the kids and family to arrive in town, and I've been kept immune thus far. That doesn't mean that I won't eventually start feeling bad, but three days out I think I'm okay.

[EDIT: Daisy is not okay, and got dreadfully sick for a week and change.]

Anyway, as the night wound down and the parents retreated upstairs, we had homemade pie with the sister and brother-in-law and I tried very hard to decompress in the now mostly quiet house...when our oldest nephew tripped over the base of Mom's swing chair in the living room and nearly broke his toe. I didn't know this; I was sitting in the chair in the corner downstairs, enjoying a bit of relative (pardon the pun) silence.

"[Nephew] may have dislocated or broken his toe," Daisy texted me from upstairs. "He may need to go to the hospital and if so we will need to watch the boys."

"Okay," I texted in reply.

No arguments, I wasn't frustrated or upset, nothing like that -- family comes first. Duty in the face of exhaustion, every man stays at his post, etc. 

This is a big step for me. The old Brandon, even though he still had the family first mentality, would've been pissed off and angry at the kid after having spent twelve hours outside of the house on Christmas Day, and having not even had his own Christmas yet. The older, wiser, more mature Brandon has more patience and understanding of such things, and just wants to help out where he can. Again, as I mentioned in my previous post, Christmas is for the kids, and I am now the older generation -- while I'm not a parent myself, I am a hell of a good uncle. I also have the foresight to realize that I still had three more days off work after Christmas and therefore had far more time than usual to decompress and enjoy the holidays in my own way.

About half an hour later, the kid came downstairs, morose and in some pain, but okay. Once we were sure he was fine, Daisy and I began to pack up the stuff for the night, and then shortly thereafter left the house.

I will say that I was indeed sort of frazzled and tired, and I had a headache -- it was after 8PM and we'd spent a full twelve hours being inundated with children and Christmas. Daisy put on Christmas music in the car on the way home, on purpose, and it took all of my willpower not to punch the stereo simply out of reflex. I was Christmas'd out. 

But, we still had our own Christmas to have, since we'd rolled out of bed and practically ran out the door that morning. All of our own presents for one another were yet to be opened. So, once we'd brought everything in and I was able to feed the cats and change out of the kid-germ-covered clothing I'd been wearing all day, Daisy and I collapsed on the couch with our respective piles of presents.

Here's what I got Daisy, which is the most important list anyhow:

• A case of Cocomels
• Two water guns for the cats
• The aforementioned wood plaque
• A case of 60 white washcloths
• A giant, two-plus-pound bag of Blue Diamond almonds
• A raised cake stand (her request)
• Chelsea Clinton's She Persisted book (also her request)
• A six-pack of her favorite pine tar soap
• A 250-gram box of nag champa incense

And the kicker, the big gift...

• Two custom-made, sherpa-lined fleece blankets with two different pictures of us from our wedding printed on them.

The blankets were one of the first things I'd done for her, actually -- I knew they would take some time to process, create, and ship, so I ordered them up in early November. They arrived shortly before Thanksgiving, and I had them printed by Shutterfly -- the company who I have make our custom Christmas cards every year. Because of the size I'd ordered and the custom printing involved, they were not cheap by any means, and more than a third of my gift budget went to them.

Also of note: in the days after Christmas, Daisy would return the cake stand (she thought the one she'd put on her wish list was glass; it was not, it was plastic) and the washcloths -- which I'd specifically gotten so we could get rid of the old ratty ones we had around the house (she didn't like the new ones), so I actually spent less on Daisy this year overall than I have in most previous years. 

The blankets almost immediately went on the bed (after a wash, of course) where they currently remain, even after another wash, today. 

Here's what Daisy got for me -- trying to remember the best I can now over two weeks later:

• Two straightening/detangling hairbrushes
• Good Omens in paperback
• The latest Uncle John's Bathroom Reader
• Vegan sausage sticks
• Louisville Vegan Jerky "Buffalo Dill"
• A six-pack of my favorite thermal socks

And the big gift...

• A Nintendo Switch Lite, in turquoise, with Pokemon: Let's Go Eevee and Pokemon Sword.

I'm sure there are other small things I'm forgetting too, as it's been some time, but the Switch and those games have dominated most of my free time ever since.

"Good," I told her -- "...now I can put the silicone case for the Switch on it. The case that I ordered and that arrived last week."

So sure was I that she'd gotten me the Switch that I had already ordered the case for it. Even if she'd not actually gotten me one, I would've saved the case as I was planning on purchasing a Switch within the next several weeks/months anyhow once we got our tax refunds. I have not skipped over or "missed" a new generation of Pokemon games in almost twenty years, and I'm not about to start now. 

After we put everything away, she came upstairs to shower and I sat down in my chair (after plugging in the Switch to charge, of course). I was passed out in my chair before she even got out of the shower; I woke up five hours later to her in bed and me wide-awake -- she had to work the 26th, while I did not. 

***

In the days since, both of us have gone back to work as per the usual, as the holidays are done, and we have rejoined the cycle of the daily grind. For the New Year, I had taken New Year's Eve off in advance, but volunteered to work New Year's Day (the overnight shift as per the usual). We normally do a big New Year's Eve with the parents, but Mama was dreadfully sick and wanted to cancel, and Daisy was getting rather sick at that point as well -- she didn't really shake it until this past week -- so we stayed home, watched the ball drop at 11 (remember, we're central time) and then shortly after actual midnight went to bed.

So there you have it, that was Christmas in a nutshell (and a few posts).

Onward into 2020, helmets on.

No Flying Cars

Imagine, if you will, if you had the opportunity to go back in time (in a realistic fashion, of course) to the year 2000 -- twenty years ago now -- to talk to your younger self for one, and only one, conversation. What would you say? What would your younger self ask you about the future? Would you give your younger self hope, or would they be extremely frightened of and/or disappointed in you as a person? How would they react to stories about today's society, technology, pop culture, or anything else?

In the truly hypothetical conversation below -- no, I don't actually have a time machine -- you're about to see how I would imagine a conversation with 17-year-old me would go.

***

Me: Hi. I'm you from twenty years in the future, from the super-technologically-advanced world of...2020.

2000: Holy shit, they have time machines in the future? Is that how you got here?

Me: No. Stay with me here, kid, don't break the fourth wall.

2000: Then how did you get here?

Me: I said knock it off, it's not important.

2000: Also, I'm not a kid, I'm seventeen. I'll be eighteen this year. Like the Alice Cooper song.

Me: Trust me, you are 100% still a kid, and I would know. Act like you have some sense, this is important. I'm here to tell you about the future.

2000: Are there flying cars?

Me: ...no.

2000: Shitty future then if you ask me.

Me: I'm inclined to agree with you there.

2000: Are they at least close to flying cars? I mean it's 2020 where you're from, what the fuck, America?

Me: Also no. But a large chunk of the population does own little helicopters that they can fly pretty much anywhere and do anything they want with.

2000: Like, inside them?

Me: No. Like remote controlled. They're called "drones."

2000: Can you like, shoot and bomb people with them and stuff?

Me: ...no. Well, wait, yes, the military does that with much bigger ones that aren't helicopters, but--

2000: So no flying cars, but a bunch of little remote control helicopters. We have remote control helicopters now, you know...

Me: It's a bit more complicated than that in 2020. Amazon wants to use them to deliver packages eventually, and some of them are so complex and large that you have to get licenses to fly them--

2000: Licenses to fly remote control helicopters?

Me: I feel like we're spending too much time on this subject.

2000: What's Amazon?

Me: Oh hell. Well, um, think of a massive internet store that you can buy anything from, run by the richest man in the world--

2000: Bill Gates?

Me: No. Anyway, it's that. You want something, you can get it there, and it gets to your house in like, a day or two.

2000: Giant online Walmart. Gotcha.

Me: You can also watch movies and TV shows on their website or on your TV through their company.

2000: Porn?

Me: What?

2000: Can you watch porn on it?

Me: Surprisingly, no.

2000: Meh, it won't last then.

Me: You'd be surprised.

2000: Okay, so no flying cars. Are there at least cool things like blasters? Lightsabers? Phasers? Oh oh, what about teleporters? Rocket packs? Proton Packs?

Me: Also no. You're gonna be really disappointed in the actual future if that's the stuff you're focusing on, man. Technologically speaking, 2020 isn't that much more advanced than it is in 2000...it's more of a...slow natural progression of things, really. Some things, anyway.

2000: So there are none of those things?

Me: No. Well, sort of. There are a couple of guys with rocket packs, but they're not like the ones in The Rocketeer or anything like that. And the military was trying to develop a ray gun weapon a few years back, but I never heard anything else about it after I was out of college.

2000: College? No, nevermind, we'll come back to that. Are we at least going to the moon on a regular basis, is there a base on Mars or Venus or something like that?

Me: Actually, we pretty much shut down the space program a few years back when they retired the remaining shuttles--

2000: Remaining shuttles?

Me: Yeah. Wait, it's 2000, you don't know this yet -- okay, so another one blows up in a few years, it's tragic. After that, they cut back the space program a lot and eventually mothball the shuttle fleet. They're in museums now. But there is an international space station in orbit around the planet, and there is a new branch of the military called the Space Force--

2000: SPACE FORCE!

Me: Yeah, it's not as cool as you think. And it's just getting started. No kid, we're stuck on this rock for a while yet. My advice is to make the best of it. The 2000s are gonna be weird.

2000: But you--I--do go to college?

Me: You do. For two different degrees, from two different schools. For seven years total.

2000: To do what?

Me: I'm not telling you that for fear that it'll irrevocably alter the timeline and create some sort of Flashpoint-like scenario.

2000: What?

Me: Nevermind; you'll figure it out in a few years.

2000: So after two degrees and seven years that must mean I get super rich and powerful you are clearly coming back in time to tell me how to get there, right?

Me: ...

2000: Well?

Me: Not exactly, but I will say that you're mostly okay with your life choices.

2000: I feel that you're being purposely vague.

Me: I am.

2000: Okay, so you're twenty years older and you're mostly doing what you want to do with your life, so--

Me: Not even remotely, kid.

2000: ...well...what do you do?

Me: Mostly get yelled at by idiots who should never be allowed near a phone or computer system until they gain enough brain cells to operate one correctly.

2000: Oh. Okay...like....tech support? Jesus.

Me: I work for [redacted] as a contractor through [also redacted] where I run a team of people who help get business customers' internet and phone services restored when they go down.

2000: So...like tech support then.

Me: No, goddammit...okay, look. It is in the same vein but that's not what it is.

2000: Sure what it sounds like to me. And this is what I end up going to school for? Fuck my life, man...do you at least get paid well for it?

Me: Nowhere near what I'm worth. But I can tell you that it's a living and I'm currently making more money doing it than you'd think.

2000: Wait, so you didn't go to school for it, and you don't get paid well for it, so...why are you doing it?

Me: penny for every time I've asked myself that question...

2000: What? I didn't hear you.

Me: Nothing, nevermind. No, I went to school for something completely different and ended up falling into this career when I needed to pay the bills and put gas in the car.

2000: Oh good, you have a car.

Me: ....

2000: ...you don't have a car?

Me: ...not at the moment. Look, if you keep asking questions like this it's gonna make me sound like I'm a real asshole waste of skin, alright?

2000: ....

Me: ...I had a car, it was a good car, it was my baby, and then some assholes broke into it and destroyed it while I was at work one night. They were trying to steal it, and completely tore out the ignition and starter and....yeah. I had to get it towed back to my apartment to sell it for scrap, okay? But it was mine, I owned it outright, I took care of it -- it was a piece of me.

2000: Jesus, okay man, you don't have to start crying about it or anything, I get it.

Me: Invest in a good auto security system. That's all I'm gonna say.

2000: ...okay then.

Me: It was a sports car, at least. Sort of. Ish. I've got that going for me, right? One day you'll own a sports car that you'll be able to drive really fast and recklessly in, and it'll feel amazing. You'll write poetry about it.

2000: This took a really sad turn. It's okay man, you'll get another car.

Me: Oh, I did. It was a truck, actually. I had a truck for a while. I got it for free.

2000: Someone gave you a free truck?

Me: Yes, actually.

2000: And you don't have it anymore?

Me: I sold it for about $850 when the wife and I bought our house. There wasn't any room for it and it was falling apart, but yeah, I owned it for several ye--

2000: A wife! And a house!

Me: Hahah, yes, well, you didn't ask about those things before--

2000: Is it Becca? Do you have kids? How many kids do you have?

Me: What? Oh, no kid, not her. She's an awesome person, but she's not the one. I feel like telling you that even is gonna fuck up the timeline.

2000: ...oh.

Me: Look, man, it's fine. It's okay. It just wasn't meant to be with her, you know? I know that's rough for you to hear now, and I know people say that sort of thing a lot, but they say it because it's true. Trust me. There will be others. Ahem, several others.

2000: Other wives?

Me: No, no, just the one. And you've got some time before you meet her, so, y'know, loosen up a bit.

2000: Kids?

Me: No, no kids. At least none that I'm aware of. No, we're taking our time on that; maybe there will be kids, maybe there won't be.

2000: How long?

Me: Before kids?

2000: No, how long have you been married?

Me: Oh. Going on six years.

2000: ...only six years?

Me: Trust me man, she's worth the wait. If there's anything I can impart on you during this conversation, it's that you seriously need to learn some fuckin' patience. Shit isn't going to happen to you overnight. It's going to take time and work and effort in many, many cases.

2000: Says the man who was given a free truck.

Me: ...coming from the kid whose mother gives him a free car in a few years that he never uses more than five times. 

2000: Mom's buying me a new car?!

Me: ...no. You know our mother, do you ever think that would reasonably happen?

2000: Well, I always thought that if I kept doing well in school, I mean, I got my permit a few weeks ago, and I need a car for college--

Me: Hahah, no.

2000: Come on, man! Aren't you going to tell me any good news?

Me: I legit just told you that you get married to a wonderful woman, make a decent living, and you own a house.

2000: Yeah, when I'm thirty-seven! Doesn't anything good happen to me before that?

Me: not a whole hell of a lot, actually...

2000: What? I couldn't hear you.

Me: Nothing, I was clearing my throat.

2000: Oh.

Me: There are twelve Star Wars movies in 2020.

2000: Now that is what I'm talking about!

Me: Only eight of them are any good.

2000: ...so it's like the Star Trek movies then?

Me: By 2020 there are thirteen of those. I think, I may have lost count. With only about eight or nine of them worth watching, and a few of those only worth watching once. So...yes?

2000: There's an X-Men movie supposed to come out this year too.

Me: Oh good lord, don't get me started on comic book movies.

2000: Why?

Me: I've seriously lost count of how many there are at this point and I've only seen about half of them.

2000: Seriously?

Me: Just you wait.

2000: They've made a bunch of comic book movies and you haven't seen all of them multiple times?

Me: I feel that you'll understand why a lot more as time progresses.

2000: Why, are they bad?

Me: Some of them are...

2000: And some of them are good?

Me: Some of them are very good. Some of them redefine what comics are and can be. Hell, some of them redefine cinema.

2000: Okay, well, the future has that going for it at least.

Me: That it does. You have no idea.

2000: What's the best one?

Me: ...don't you want to know more about yourself? Your wife and home? The future in general?

2000: Well, I mean, yes.

Me: Okay then.

2000: I take it you haven't hit the lottery yet.

Me: ...no.

2000: And I see that you're still fat.

Me: Hey now, fucker!

2000: Well, you are. Am I lying?

Me: I have a gym membership!

2000: Seems like a waste of money to me, since you don't appear to use it.

Me: I use it!

2000: You're going bald and gray too. Fuck, I'm gonna go bald and gray?

Me: Look man, genetics are genetics. And I'm old.

2000: You're thirty-seven! That's not that old!

Me: Well, let me clue you in on something. You will feel old at thirty-seven. Sometimes you will feel really old. As for looks and weight, it comes and goes. There are times you'll have hair halfway to your ass and a full beard and people will call you the wolfman, and there are times you'll be clean-shaven and have really short hair. You'll even give yourself a punk rock mohawk-looking hairstyle at one point in the teens.

2000: ...the wolfman?

Me: Yes, and you'll have a theme song too.

2000: Uh...huh.

Me: Anyway. Yes, you'll lose a bunch of weight, then you'll gain some back, lose some more, gain a lot more when you quit smoking, and then lose most of that weight again. You will never feel or be thin. It's not in your genetics. But you can and will be much healthier than you are now.

2000: That sounds....tiring.

Me: It IS.

2000: You wear glasses.

Me: I do. Your eyesight will go to shit soon enough, it'll start with a pineapple...

2000: A pineapple?

Me: Long story. Anyway, yes. You'll need glasses. You'll need glasses and you'll be fat and hairy your whole life and your dick isn't gonna get any bigger than it is now and these are all things you'll just have to deal with, man. 

2000: Sounds like a delightful future. You're not instilling me with a lot of hope here.

Me: But you should be hopeful. There's a lot you're going to do with your life that you never would've guessed you'd do.

2000: You can start by telling me about some of that...

Me: Well, for one, you get the fuck out of West Virginia and don't look back.

2000: Good, that's good, please tell me I'm living somewhere on the beach, not somewhere boring like...oh, Kansas or Nebr--

Me: Nebraska.

2000: Son of a bitch!

Me: You live in Kansas for five years, too.

2000: Fuck me, man, what did you do with my life? Couldn't you at least put me in or around a city, someplace with people and technology?

Me: Hey now, Omaha is actually a pretty nice place. You've lived in far worse places before.

2000: Like Kansas?

Me: ...well, okay, not gonna lie, Kansas mostly sucked. But it was quiet.

2000: I've lived around quiet all my life; I need something with some spirit, some people, something to do.

Me: Believe me, the older you get, the more you will appreciate the quiet.

2000: Okay, so, let's recap. In 2020 you're married, you own a house, you don't have a car, you hate your job, you went to college for seven years, you didn't win the lottery, I'm still fat, and of all places...Nebraska.

Me: Well, if you gloss over everything like that...

2000: Tell me something fun. Tell me you started a punk rock band or stabbed a guy in a bar fight or have a bunch of tattoos nobody knows about until you take off your clothes. Anything, man.

Me: Only one tattoo, on my arm.

2000: Let me see.

Me: ...

2000: The Star Trek emblem? Really?

Me: There's a bit more to it than that.

2000: Is there now? Because to me it looks like you just decided to tell the whole world that I'm a fucking nerd.

Me: In 2020 that's not nearly as looked down upon as it is now, trust me.

2000: What's next, you gonna get a Star Wars tattoo too?

Me: ...actually...

2000: Oh for fuck's sake, dude.

Me: I'm telling you, stuff's different in the future. The internet is everywhere. Nerd culture is a huge thing. We carry everything with us everywhere we go on mobile devices.

2000: Mobile devices?

Me: Oh yeah, that's not really a thing yet. You have a ce...no you don't, you don't have a cell phone yet. Okay. Well, twenty years from now, everyone has a cell phone, and everyone uses them for everything. They're like miniature pocket computers.

2000: ...okay, that's cool.

Me: It is. Hit a few buttons and you can watch a movie, listen to literally any album or song ever made, call a friend with video, or check to see what all of your friends are doing in real time on Facebook.

2000: Facebook?

Me: Right. Not a thing yet. You'll see in a few years.

2000: And all of this has made the world a better place?

Me: That's very, very debatable.

2000: What else is going on in 2020? Is there alien life? Are we at war with anyone? Did they bring back the draft? What is television and music like?

Me: Whoa, slow down a bit.

2000: Sorry, got a little excited there.

Me: No, there is no alien life we know of yet. As for war...well, that's sort of debatable as well. No draft. Yet. And television and music...hoo boy.

2000: "Hoo boy"?

Me: You're not gonna like a lot of it. What you do like you'll keep coming back to over and over for years on end, at least on the music side. Music basically goes off the rails into pure shit in about five or six years and never really recovers. As for television, the best of it now is all online -- TV-based-TV is, well, not that great anymore.

2000: So what I'm hearing is that the internet sort of takes over everything. Like Skynet.

Me: You're not too far off.

2000: So I guess here's the big question -- who's alive and who's dead in 2020?

Me: That's a really loaded question. Like celebrities or people we know?

2000: Both. Family first.

Me: We're all still alive. Mostly.

2000: Mostly? I assume Grammy is dead in 2020?

Me: She is, but she almost made it that long. It was close.

2000: Other family dead?

Me: A few. Nobody you were super close to in your adult life, but I mean, they're obviously gonna happen here and there. None were incredibly surprising. Okay, well, one of them is surprising.

2000: Friends?

Me: What, like friends who have died? There's a, um, fair number of them actually. They're all...bad. Far more friends than family.

2000: Close friends?

Me: Yeah. Yeah, a couple of them.

2000: ...anyone you fucked?

Me: Jesus dude, no. And before you ask, you've got a few more years of waiting on that, too, so again, be patient.

2000: Fiiiiiine. No celebrities of any importance?

Me: ...yes, a ton of them.

2000: Harrison Ford?

Me: Harrison Ford is still alive. He's older than dirt, but he's still alive.

2000: Harrison Ford is my touchstone celebrity death, you know. When he goes, I'll know I'm old.

Me: I know.

2000: Stan Lee?

Me: ...dead. Yes.

2000: Fuck!

Me: It was really sad, too. I cried.

2000: George Lucas? Steven Spielberg?

Me: Both still kickin'.

2000: Keith Richards? Willie Nelson? Um...Bob Dylan?

Me: Remarkably, all still alive and all still making music.

2000: Holy hell, they must be ancient.

Me: They are.

2000: Um...who else? I'm sure there are other people I could think of...

Me: There are a few huge ones you'll never see coming, and I don't want to spoil their macabre surprises.

2000: Betty White?

Me: Still alive, and still acting -- defying almost all laws of aging.

2000: Wow, man.

Me: My time is almost up here, kid. Anything else you want to know before I have to return to the future?

2000: Okay, so, government and politics? Who's our president in 2020?

Me: Nope. I am not even going to attempt to open that box.

2000: Why?

Me: You don't want to know, kid...you don't want to know...