Imagine, if you will, if you had the opportunity to go back in time (in a realistic fashion, of course) to the year 2000 -- twenty years ago now -- to talk to your younger self for one, and only one, conversation. What would you say? What would your younger self ask you about the future? Would you give your younger self hope, or would they be extremely frightened of and/or disappointed in you as a person? How would they react to stories about today's society, technology, pop culture, or anything else?
In the truly hypothetical conversation below -- no, I don't actually have a time machine -- you're about to see how I would imagine a conversation with 17-year-old me would go.
***
Me: Hi. I'm you from twenty years in the future, from the super-technologically-advanced world of...2020.
2000: Holy shit, they have time machines in the future? Is that how you got here?
Me: No. Stay with me here, kid, don't break the fourth wall.
2000: Then how did you get here?
Me: I said knock it off, it's not important.
2000: Also, I'm not a kid, I'm seventeen. I'll be eighteen this year. Like the Alice Cooper song.
Me: Trust me, you are 100% still a kid, and I would know. Act like you have some sense, this is important. I'm here to tell you about the future.
2000: Are there flying cars?
Me: ...no.
2000: Shitty future then if you ask me.
Me: I'm inclined to agree with you there.
2000: Are they at least close to flying cars? I mean it's 2020 where you're from, what the fuck, America?
Me: Also no. But a large chunk of the population does own little helicopters that they can fly pretty much anywhere and do anything they want with.
2000: Like, inside them?
Me: No. Like remote controlled. They're called "drones."
2000: Can you like, shoot and bomb people with them and stuff?
Me: ...no. Well, wait, yes, the military does that with much bigger ones that aren't helicopters, but--
2000: So no flying cars, but a bunch of little remote control helicopters. We have remote control helicopters now, you know...
Me: It's a bit more complicated than that in 2020. Amazon wants to use them to deliver packages eventually, and some of them are so complex and large that you have to get licenses to fly them--
2000: Licenses to fly remote control helicopters?
Me: I feel like we're spending too much time on this subject.
2000: What's Amazon?
Me: Oh hell. Well, um, think of a massive internet store that you can buy anything from, run by the richest man in the world--
2000: Bill Gates?
Me: No. Anyway, it's that. You want something, you can get it there, and it gets to your house in like, a day or two.
2000: Giant online Walmart. Gotcha.
Me: You can also watch movies and TV shows on their website or on your TV through their company.
2000: Porn?
Me: What?
2000: Can you watch porn on it?
Me: Surprisingly, no.
2000: Meh, it won't last then.
Me: You'd be surprised.
2000: Okay, so no flying cars. Are there at least cool things like blasters? Lightsabers? Phasers? Oh oh, what about teleporters? Rocket packs? Proton Packs?
Me: Also no. You're gonna be really disappointed in the actual future if that's the stuff you're focusing on, man. Technologically speaking, 2020 isn't that much more advanced than it is in 2000...it's more of a...slow natural progression of things, really. Some things, anyway.
2000: So there are none of those things?
Me: No. Well, sort of. There are a couple of guys with rocket packs, but they're not like the ones in The Rocketeer or anything like that. And the military was trying to develop a ray gun weapon a few years back, but I never heard anything else about it after I was out of college.
2000: College? No, nevermind, we'll come back to that. Are we at least going to the moon on a regular basis, is there a base on Mars or Venus or something like that?
Me: Actually, we pretty much shut down the space program a few years back when they retired the remaining shuttles--
2000: Remaining shuttles?
Me: Yeah. Wait, it's 2000, you don't know this yet -- okay, so another one blows up in a few years, it's tragic. After that, they cut back the space program a lot and eventually mothball the shuttle fleet. They're in museums now. But there is an international space station in orbit around the planet, and there is a new branch of the military called the Space Force--
2000: SPACE FORCE!
Me: Yeah, it's not as cool as you think. And it's just getting started. No kid, we're stuck on this rock for a while yet. My advice is to make the best of it. The 2000s are gonna be weird.
2000: But you--I--do go to college?
Me: You do. For two different degrees, from two different schools. For seven years total.
2000: To do what?
Me: I'm not telling you that for fear that it'll irrevocably alter the timeline and create some sort of Flashpoint-like scenario.
2000: What?
Me: Nevermind; you'll figure it out in a few years.
2000: So after two degrees and seven years that must mean I get super rich and powerful you are clearly coming back in time to tell me how to get there, right?
Me: ...
2000: Well?
Me: Not exactly, but I will say that you're mostly okay with your life choices.
2000: I feel that you're being purposely vague.
Me: I am.
2000: Okay, so you're twenty years older and you're mostly doing what you want to do with your life, so--
Me: Not even remotely, kid.
2000: ...well...what do you do?
Me: Mostly get yelled at by idiots who should never be allowed near a phone or computer system until they gain enough brain cells to operate one correctly.
2000: Oh. Okay...like....tech support? Jesus.
Me: I work for [redacted] as a contractor through [also redacted] where I run a team of people who help get business customers' internet and phone services restored when they go down.
2000: So...like tech support then.
Me: No, goddammit...okay, look. It is in the same vein but that's not what it is.
2000: Sure what it sounds like to me. And this is what I end up going to school for? Fuck my life, man...do you at least get paid well for it?
Me: Nowhere near what I'm worth. But I can tell you that it's a living and I'm currently making more money doing it than you'd think.
2000: Wait, so you didn't go to school for it, and you don't get paid well for it, so...why are you doing it?
Me: penny for every time I've asked myself that question...
2000: What? I didn't hear you.
Me: Nothing, nevermind. No, I went to school for something completely different and ended up falling into this career when I needed to pay the bills and put gas in the car.
2000: Oh good, you have a car.
Me: ....
2000: ...you don't have a car?
Me: ...not at the moment. Look, if you keep asking questions like this it's gonna make me sound like I'm a real asshole waste of skin, alright?
2000: ....
Me: ...I had a car, it was a good car, it was my baby, and then some assholes broke into it and destroyed it while I was at work one night. They were trying to steal it, and completely tore out the ignition and starter and....yeah. I had to get it towed back to my apartment to sell it for scrap, okay? But it was mine, I owned it outright, I took care of it -- it was a piece of me.
2000: Jesus, okay man, you don't have to start crying about it or anything, I get it.
Me: Invest in a good auto security system. That's all I'm gonna say.
2000: ...okay then.
Me: It was a sports car, at least. Sort of. Ish. I've got that going for me, right? One day you'll own a sports car that you'll be able to drive really fast and recklessly in, and it'll feel amazing. You'll write poetry about it.
2000: This took a really sad turn. It's okay man, you'll get another car.
Me: Oh, I did. It was a truck, actually. I had a truck for a while. I got it for free.
2000: Someone gave you a free truck?
Me: Yes, actually.
2000: And you don't have it anymore?
Me: I sold it for about $850 when the wife and I bought our house. There wasn't any room for it and it was falling apart, but yeah, I owned it for several ye--
2000: A wife! And a house!
Me: Hahah, yes, well, you didn't ask about those things before--
2000: Is it Becca? Do you have kids? How many kids do you have?
Me: What? Oh, no kid, not her. She's an awesome person, but she's not the one. I feel like telling you that even is gonna fuck up the timeline.
2000: ...oh.
Me: Look, man, it's fine. It's okay. It just wasn't meant to be with her, you know? I know that's rough for you to hear now, and I know people say that sort of thing a lot, but they say it because it's true. Trust me. There will be others. Ahem, several others.
2000: Other wives?
Me: No, no, just the one. And you've got some time before you meet her, so, y'know, loosen up a bit.
2000: Kids?
Me: No, no kids. At least none that I'm aware of. No, we're taking our time on that; maybe there will be kids, maybe there won't be.
2000: How long?
Me: Before kids?
2000: No, how long have you been married?
Me: Oh. Going on six years.
2000: ...only six years?
Me: Trust me man, she's worth the wait. If there's anything I can impart on you during this conversation, it's that you seriously need to learn some fuckin' patience. Shit isn't going to happen to you overnight. It's going to take time and work and effort in many, many cases.
2000: Says the man who was given a free truck.
Me: ...coming from the kid whose mother gives him a free car in a few years that he never uses more than five times.
2000: Mom's buying me a new car?!
Me: ...no. You know our mother, do you ever think that would reasonably happen?
2000: Well, I always thought that if I kept doing well in school, I mean, I got my permit a few weeks ago, and I need a car for college--
Me: Hahah, no.
2000: Come on, man! Aren't you going to tell me any good news?
Me: I legit just told you that you get married to a wonderful woman, make a decent living, and you own a house.
2000: Yeah, when I'm thirty-seven! Doesn't anything good happen to me before that?
Me: not a whole hell of a lot, actually...
2000: What? I couldn't hear you.
Me: Nothing, I was clearing my throat.
2000: Oh.
Me: There are twelve Star Wars movies in 2020.
2000: Now that is what I'm talking about!
Me: Only eight of them are any good.
2000: ...so it's like the Star Trek movies then?
Me: By 2020 there are thirteen of those. I think, I may have lost count. With only about eight or nine of them worth watching, and a few of those only worth watching once. So...yes?
2000: There's an X-Men movie supposed to come out this year too.
Me: Oh good lord, don't get me started on comic book movies.
2000: Why?
Me: I've seriously lost count of how many there are at this point and I've only seen about half of them.
2000: Seriously?
Me: Just you wait.
2000: They've made a bunch of comic book movies and you haven't seen all of them multiple times?
Me: I feel that you'll understand why a lot more as time progresses.
2000: Why, are they bad?
Me: Some of them are...
2000: And some of them are good?
Me: Some of them are very good. Some of them redefine what comics are and can be. Hell, some of them redefine cinema.
2000: Okay, well, the future has that going for it at least.
Me: That it does. You have no idea.
2000: What's the best one?
Me: ...don't you want to know more about yourself? Your wife and home? The future in general?
2000: Well, I mean, yes.
Me: Okay then.
2000: I take it you haven't hit the lottery yet.
Me: ...no.
2000: And I see that you're still fat.
Me: Hey now, fucker!
2000: Well, you are. Am I lying?
Me: I have a gym membership!
2000: Seems like a waste of money to me, since you don't appear to use it.
Me: I use it!
2000: You're going bald and gray too. Fuck, I'm gonna go bald and gray?
Me: Look man, genetics are genetics. And I'm old.
2000: You're thirty-seven! That's not that old!
Me: Well, let me clue you in on something. You will feel old at thirty-seven. Sometimes you will feel really old. As for looks and weight, it comes and goes. There are times you'll have hair halfway to your ass and a full beard and people will call you the wolfman, and there are times you'll be clean-shaven and have really short hair. You'll even give yourself a punk rock mohawk-looking hairstyle at one point in the teens.
2000: ...the wolfman?
Me: Yes, and you'll have a theme song too.
2000: Uh...huh.
Me: Anyway. Yes, you'll lose a bunch of weight, then you'll gain some back, lose some more, gain a lot more when you quit smoking, and then lose most of that weight again. You will never feel or be thin. It's not in your genetics. But you can and will be much healthier than you are now.
2000: That sounds....tiring.
Me: It IS.
2000: You wear glasses.
Me: I do. Your eyesight will go to shit soon enough, it'll start with a pineapple...
2000: A pineapple?
Me: Long story. Anyway, yes. You'll need glasses. You'll need glasses and you'll be fat and hairy your whole life and your dick isn't gonna get any bigger than it is now and these are all things you'll just have to deal with, man.
2000: Sounds like a delightful future. You're not instilling me with a lot of hope here.
Me: But you should be hopeful. There's a lot you're going to do with your life that you never would've guessed you'd do.
2000: You can start by telling me about some of that...
Me: Well, for one, you get the fuck out of West Virginia and don't look back.
2000: Good, that's good, please tell me I'm living somewhere on the beach, not somewhere boring like...oh, Kansas or Nebr--
Me: Nebraska.
2000: Son of a bitch!
Me: You live in Kansas for five years, too.
2000: Fuck me, man, what did you do with my life? Couldn't you at least put me in or around a city, someplace with people and technology?
Me: Hey now, Omaha is actually a pretty nice place. You've lived in far worse places before.
2000: Like Kansas?
Me: ...well, okay, not gonna lie, Kansas mostly sucked. But it was quiet.
2000: I've lived around quiet all my life; I need something with some spirit, some people, something to do.
Me: Believe me, the older you get, the more you will appreciate the quiet.
2000: Okay, so, let's recap. In 2020 you're married, you own a house, you don't have a car, you hate your job, you went to college for seven years, you didn't win the lottery, I'm still fat, and of all places...Nebraska.
Me: Well, if you gloss over everything like that...
2000: Tell me something fun. Tell me you started a punk rock band or stabbed a guy in a bar fight or have a bunch of tattoos nobody knows about until you take off your clothes. Anything, man.
Me: Only one tattoo, on my arm.
2000: Let me see.
Me: ...
2000: The Star Trek emblem? Really?
Me: There's a bit more to it than that.
2000: Is there now? Because to me it looks like you just decided to tell the whole world that I'm a fucking nerd.
Me: In 2020 that's not nearly as looked down upon as it is now, trust me.
2000: What's next, you gonna get a Star Wars tattoo too?
Me: ...actually...
2000: Oh for fuck's sake, dude.
Me: I'm telling you, stuff's different in the future. The internet is everywhere. Nerd culture is a huge thing. We carry everything with us everywhere we go on mobile devices.
2000: Mobile devices?
Me: Oh yeah, that's not really a thing yet. You have a ce...no you don't, you don't have a cell phone yet. Okay. Well, twenty years from now, everyone has a cell phone, and everyone uses them for everything. They're like miniature pocket computers.
2000: ...okay, that's cool.
Me: It is. Hit a few buttons and you can watch a movie, listen to literally any album or song ever made, call a friend with video, or check to see what all of your friends are doing in real time on Facebook.
2000: Facebook?
Me: Right. Not a thing yet. You'll see in a few years.
2000: And all of this has made the world a better place?
Me: That's very, very debatable.
2000: What else is going on in 2020? Is there alien life? Are we at war with anyone? Did they bring back the draft? What is television and music like?
Me: Whoa, slow down a bit.
2000: Sorry, got a little excited there.
Me: No, there is no alien life we know of yet. As for war...well, that's sort of debatable as well. No draft. Yet. And television and music...hoo boy.
2000: "Hoo boy"?
Me: You're not gonna like a lot of it. What you do like you'll keep coming back to over and over for years on end, at least on the music side. Music basically goes off the rails into pure shit in about five or six years and never really recovers. As for television, the best of it now is all online -- TV-based-TV is, well, not that great anymore.
2000: So what I'm hearing is that the internet sort of takes over everything. Like Skynet.
Me: You're not too far off.
2000: So I guess here's the big question -- who's alive and who's dead in 2020?
Me: That's a really loaded question. Like celebrities or people we know?
2000: Both. Family first.
Me: We're all still alive. Mostly.
2000: Mostly? I assume Grammy is dead in 2020?
Me: She is, but she almost made it that long. It was close.
2000: Other family dead?
Me: A few. Nobody you were super close to in your adult life, but I mean, they're obviously gonna happen here and there. None were incredibly surprising. Okay, well, one of them is surprising.
2000: Friends?
Me: What, like friends who have died? There's a, um, fair number of them actually. They're all...bad. Far more friends than family.
2000: Close friends?
Me: Yeah. Yeah, a couple of them.
2000: ...anyone you fucked?
Me: Jesus dude, no. And before you ask, you've got a few more years of waiting on that, too, so again, be patient.
2000: Fiiiiiine. No celebrities of any importance?
Me: ...yes, a ton of them.
2000: Harrison Ford?
Me: Harrison Ford is still alive. He's older than dirt, but he's still alive.
2000: Harrison Ford is my touchstone celebrity death, you know. When he goes, I'll know I'm old.
Me: I know.
2000: Stan Lee?
Me: ...dead. Yes.
2000: Fuck!
Me: It was really sad, too. I cried.
2000: George Lucas? Steven Spielberg?
Me: Both still kickin'.
2000: Keith Richards? Willie Nelson? Um...Bob Dylan?
Me: Remarkably, all still alive and all still making music.
2000: Holy hell, they must be ancient.
Me: They are.
2000: Um...who else? I'm sure there are other people I could think of...
Me: There are a few huge ones you'll never see coming, and I don't want to spoil their macabre surprises.
2000: Betty White?
Me: Still alive, and still acting -- defying almost all laws of aging.
2000: Wow, man.
Me: My time is almost up here, kid. Anything else you want to know before I have to return to the future?
2000: Okay, so, government and politics? Who's our president in 2020?
Me: Nope. I am not even going to attempt to open that box.
2000: Why?
Me: You don't want to know, kid...you don't want to know...
No comments:
Post a Comment