There Comes a Reckoning

 I've been in a really weird headspace for the past week or so. It's like a dread or low-lying paranoia, an anxiety, but...not quite. It's not reached the cusp of any of those feelings yet. It just feels like that hill is currently being climbed, very slowly. Daisy has felt it too, and (I would argue) likely much more deeply than myself. 

We've both been forgetful, we've both been very tired and occasionally quite irritable. Neither of us have really felt great -- on Friday night I had such a headache and exhaustion that I only spent five minutes downstairs (to make a sandwich) and then came upstairs and went back to sleep. Daisy has been taking B2 nearly every day to help with her own headaches.

I saw a meme last night that said something like "isn't it interesting how we're only two weeks into the new year and we're all already overwhelmed?"

Yeah, something like that.

This is not the January I envisioned. But, honestly, I don't know what January I envisioned anymore. I originally envisioned a peaceful month that would culminate next week with the election of our first female president, but obviously that's not going to happen. 

I think part of it is that we both need something good to happen. We need something to appreciate, something to look forward to, something to be excited about -- because without that it's four cold months of relative misery, locked indoors to stay warm, with zero holidays until Memorial Day. Every winter sucks and really messes with my brain and body chemistry, but this year seems worse than most.

None of the cats really seem to miss Sadie, but I think it is evident they've noticed she's gone, because there is a difference now in the household dynamic. Empress used to be very lovey with us and want all the attention -- now she seems far more skittish and does not want to play anywhere near as much as she used to. Hank has become much more dominant and gets very jealous when Daisy gives Pete (or, really, any other cat) attention. He is also acting out a lot more trying to get attention himself, negative or positive. In contrast, Pete seems to have become far more relaxed and far less anxious. He has his moments, but it is very clear that his anxiety and anguish has greatly lessened since Sadie's death, and I'm not sure how to really explain it other than that. Mable, in turn, has gotten a lot more vocal and a lot more cuddly/clingy with me when previously she was not. Don't get me wrong, that little girl always loved me, but since Sadie's passing, she has wanted to be with me a lot more -- spending hours with me in my office upstairs or sleeping next to me on the couch or on the floor when I'm working. I've also caught her sleeping cuddled up with me a few times, like she does with Daisy. I can no longer go to the bathroom without her, and she screams when I take a shower because she can't be in there with me.

I don't know; maybe all of this is natural and I'm just trying to find a way to justify that the other cats know and understand that Sadie is gone instead of just flat-out not giving a shit. When Maggie died, Pete lost his shit and his anxiety went through the roof for months -- it only really started to settle once we got Mable and she became his little baby. With Sadie? It doesn't seem like any of them care in the least and may actually be happier in some respects. 

I miss Sadie. I do. The pain lessens a little more by the day and flows more towards final acceptance, but I miss the old lady. Yesterday afternoon, when I came downstairs so we could run errands, I instinctively looked to where she would've been on the couch and where she would have jumped down to come over to see me, as she always did. In her place was a very sleepy, content Hank, who looked up at me with his big yellow eyes and seemed happy to see me. There was, of course, a part of me that was soothed by this, a very life goes on part of me -- the next generation of cats picking up where the last one left off -- but there was still a sadness there, still a sadness that I'll not see Sadie gently meow at me and come down off the couch to rub her cold wet nose on my legs anymore.

It's a tough process. Daisy said something along the lines of how she knows how hard it's hitting me and how Sadie and I were so bonded, and how she and Sadie never had that bond. I told her that she did, even if she didn't really know it, because Sadie loved her very much. When I wasn't downstairs, Sadie would climb up on top of Daisy, she'd snuggle close to her, she'd want to be with her. She really loved her mom. That bond was definitely there for Sadie. No, Daisy did not have the same bond with her that I did. She was not Daisy's shadow as she was mine. Yes, it did take her some years to really warm up to Daisy. But, once she did, there was no going back -- no matter how many times I playfully called Sadie a traitor. 

When Pete goes, it's going to be awful -- not just for us, but for the girls. Mable is Pete's little baby and she absolutely adores the old man. They are not lovers like Hank and Emmy are -- no, Pete and Mable are very much a father/daughter relationship and it very much shows. Empress also loves on Pete quite a lot, cuddling up with him on the couch and pulling him in tight. Pete doesn't always like it, but it likes it more than he doesn't. 

Pete is the last of the old guard and I fear he doesn't have much time left. His kidney disease isn't progressing quickly, but it's still progressing. His appetite has greatly slowed down and he is losing weight like Sadie did. He is still active and still gets around really well, but he's also showing his age more and more by the month, and when Maggie went down, she went down fast -- there was about a month or so of troubling symptoms and then her body just began shutting down over the course of a few days and we did what had to be done. I am very concerned the same thing is going to happen with Pete, at a time when we don't expect it to, and then he's just going to be gone. 

I've been asked about the history of my cats by work colleagues, and there's a script at this point I almost have completely memorized:

"Well, first it was Pete, Sadie, and Maggie. Then it was Pete, Sadie, Maggie, and Hank. Then it was Pete, Sadie, Maggie, Hank, and Empress. Then Maggie died, so it was Pete, Sadie, Hank, and Empress. Then it was Pete, Sadie, Hank, Empress, and Mable. And then Sadie died, so now it's Pete, Hank, Empress, and Mable."

I try not to make it confusing to outsiders, even though it's simple to me because it's my daily life, but I get the sense that people look at me like I'm slightly insane when I tell them that I have or had this many cats all at once. But, for the moment, we're back down to four. I think four is a somewhat reasonable number. Two males, two females, all of them fixed. All of them have been re-registered for 2025 too, and Sadie was removed from the registry. 

So what's coming up in our lives?

I can't really say, to be certain. This weekend we mailed out the last of the boxes that needed to be mailed -- two for Daisy's sister and family, a small care package to our niece (same family, just away at college), a box to my friend April, and returned the Star Trek hoodie that was four sizes too small. It's snowing right now (flurries, nothing concerning) and I will soon be going to sleep for several hours to reset my sleep schedule for this coming week of work. The Chiefs don't play until next weekend. I have no plans whatsoever for the next week except to work and pay bills. There are no real "events" until the Super Bowl, which I already put in the PTO for and it's still almost a month away.