Out Of My Hands

It's been cold and damp here in Omaha over the past several days. Not rainy, mind you, and not freezing, but in the mid-30s with near-constant wet fog -- the kind that will keep the pavement constantly wet and will leave your clothing damp if you're outside in it long enough (say, 10 minutes or so). It's like we live in a shittier version of Seattle.

After a brief reprieve from bullshit last week at work (because of the Thanksgiving holiday and the weekend after), the stupid returned full force this week -- I had one of the busiest, most stressful weeks I've ever worked there at that job. I mentioned about a month or two ago now that I did not yet, at that time, dread going in to the office five days a week. Yeah, that time has passed. It passed some time ago. I know now that every day I go in, I will have to deal with stupid people and assholes -- not people I work with, mind you, but the people we are supposed to be the advocates for and the voice of -- and it seems like each day they're dumber and more dickish than the last. No wonder most people don't stay at that job any longer than they have to.

Unfortunately, however, I have to. As I actually chose to follow my dreams and get two degrees in a field I actually wanted to work in, I am now saddled with no job prospects whatsoever and a crippling amount of student loan and credit card debt that I am near-constantly reminded of every time I get a bill in the mail or an e-statement.

My student loans just reminded me today that "hey, uh, you have a payment due, and it's going to be every month, and it's more than you paid for your car" via email, and while that is true, the due date isn't for another four days and I faxed my re-upped forbearance paperwork to them on Tuesday, so, uh, how about YOU get on that, loans people? My loan servicer's website is a pain in the ass to do anything with anyhow; yes, it's still telling me the loans are in forbearance now (because they are, until the 11th) and they're asking me for a payment immediately on the day the forbearance ends, or beforehand, without any window or, y'know, time allotted for billing. It's such bullshit. Bill-shit.

I did, as mentioned briefly above, fax my new forbearance request to them on Tuesday night during my lunch hour at work, and according to the fax machine it sent successfully and I got a confirmation that it had sent. It's basically the same thing I did last year at this time -- fax and wait. Apparently they're supposed to take up to ten business days to review and approve/deny the request. Yeah, well, I don't have ten business days; they sent a bill less than two weeks before it was due, and as they're in forbearance (as mentioned in my last post) I can't even change my repayment plan until they come off it -- by which time it won't matter, since I may still be waiting to hear whether it's been approved again.

I do indeed still qualify for forbearance, just barely -- the loan payment would have to be about $100 less per month than it is now for me to not qualify. I did the math on it. It was easy for them to approve it last year because the payment was something like 60% of my monthly income. You only need it to be greater than 20% to qualify.

In other news, the situation with my car still hasn't changed, and it's still sitting in the same spot in the parking lot that it's been in for the past two weeks or so. I've put in another request with the U Pull It people as it's quite clear at this point they've ignored the first one, and requested that they email or call me to discuss it as I'll take any reasonable offer on it. I really don't have much of a choice. This time of year is really bad for money and we just can't afford to fix it. As I mentioned in my previous post, the way December's paychecks fall on the calendar completely fucks us for having any available money when we actually need it, and when we get it, it's gone immediately to bills and rent because of the calendar. We get paid on the 12th and the 26th. So, almost two weeks before Christmas and then on the day after Christmas. Because of that, I'm trying to get rid of the car now before I have to pay my insurance on it again, which is due on the 12th. Why would I pay insurance on a car that can't be driven, especially when I have a ton of other bills to worry about anyway? I can sell the car before the re-up date I'll just remove the car from my policy with them; Daisy already has me insured on her car as she has comprehensive coverage, and has had me insured since we were married.

We have Christmas shopping mostly done -- the parents, sisters, and nieces/nephews are done, and Daisy is done for me (at least I think so). However, because I have no money to spare, I have only gotten Daisy two things, and have ordered two more which haven't arrived yet. Therefore I am nowhere near close to finished for her, and it's depressing to think of what else needs to be done because I don't know where the money is going to come from. Even though we get paid next week, all of that money needs to go to bills for this month, as well as if I can't get forbearance again on my student loans or they're not processed by that point.

There is that part of me that tells me yes, everything's going to work out one way or another, but until it actually starts working out that way I am consumed by the stress and depression of it all. It's part of why I hate the holidays; for many years, December has been a terrible month for stress and finances and I cannot get any enjoyment out of anything until I am no longer worried about the things I can't control. The damnable misery of it is that the only way I won't be stressed or worried over those things would be for me to gain control over them, and it's all out of my hands for the moment. That's just the way my mind operates, don't mind me.

I have been approved for my paid time off (PTO) for both my birthday and for Christmas Eve, as I put in for it a while ago but never had the actual time to request until after my first 90 days at work. I'm not sure we have any actual plans whatsoever for my birthday, and Daisy has it off too. I partially requested it because I am not working on my fucking birthday, but also partially because it's the last Saturday night before Christmas and I have a really, really good hunch that work will be crazyballs nuts that night as all of our accounts will want to get everything they can possibly take care of before Christmas done. I will only work on the Tuesday of Christmas week (the 23rd) and then the two days after Christmas, and expect all three days to be rather silent -- if Thanksgiving week was any indication, of course. Thanksgiving is an American holiday; Christmas is worldwide. I expect 90-95% of our daily workload to completely disappear before/after Christmas, have it pick up a little for a few days leading up to New Year's, and then drop off again for another few days. We have both Christmas Day and New Year's Day off. They're two of the six or so paid holidays we get every year at that job.

Daisy and I have to do our shopping tonight, despite the fact that we're being frugal and only really getting what we need to survive for another week. I desperately need a new pair of sneakers, as the entire sole of the pair I have now (which I've owned and worn for five years and were a hand-me-down from my ex's brother) has separated from the rest of the shoe and it's falling apart. I'll be looking for more shoes tonight at Walmart, as that's where we have to get our groceries (again, we're poor, and it's also the only place which sells my cigarettes and the cats' food). I obviously don't look forward to spending more money, but it can't really be avoided. As it gets closer to Christmas, our shopping trips will more than likely become less and less frequent as I'd also rather not get into fistfights with assholes crowding the aisles and clogging up the stores.