Knowing the Real Me

Logging in here this morning was a totally new experience for me, as between yesterday afternoon and now, Blogger has completely changed around their entire dashboard and posting system, giving it a fancy, Star Trek-ish overhaul to seemingly streamline things. It's pretty enough I suppose, but it's something I'll have to get used to.

I have not yet received one of those two most frightening words/answers in the English language of "Yes" or "no" from the lovely lady I asked out on a date this weekend. She's just as busy as the rest of us, though, so it's not like I've been sitting here staring at my screen, waiting for a reply with great anticipation -- I've been taking care of the stuff I have to do this weekend just like everyone else.

It's just as well for the moment, anyhow; I've got so much work to do this weekend that I'm using the blog as a reason to procrastinate. Hell, today is the first Saturday of the long-awaited return of college football, it's on television right now, and I'm sitting here typing in silence.

I don't remember when I went to bed last night; it was late, and I fell asleep here in my chair at my desk beforehand for an undetermined amount of time. When I went downstairs, I realized that since I'd washed the bedsheets/pillowcases/mattress pad, the mattress was still bare. I was too tired to care, grabbed a sheet and a pillow, and slept on the bare mattress -- cats gathering around me on the bed in various places shortly thereafter.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the life of a single man, a guy who doesn't care if he sometimes sleeps on a bare mattress.

Could be worse; before the ex got a frame for the bed about a year ago, it simply sat on the floor -- mattress and box springs flat on the carpet. I don't like the frame that much, but it was too big to take with her in her move, and at least the bed's no longer on the floor.

Today would be the perfect day to mow the grass, were I actually motivated to do so in the least. I'm still fatigued and tired, and if I have to choose between mowing the grass and getting my schoolwork done this afternoon, schoolwork is going to win that battle. Truthfully, schoolwork wins every battle. This is why I'll have no real social life to speak of this semester, and why I rarely leave the house -- every second spent doing something else (like...um...blogging) is a second that I'm not getting everything I need to do done.

Rae sent me a text last night saying that she'd read my blog, and that I should come down there to hang out -- she and Jay (her longtime boyfriend and a close friend of mine as well) would be my "dates." I declined politely, as I was forty minutes or so into baking a set of turkey cutlets for dinner, but otherwise I probably would've taken her/them up on the opportunity.

I'm afraid I'm beginning to be thought of as the "lonely charity case" within the department, the single guy who lives 24 miles north of town, by himself in a large house, and talks to his cats way more often than he should. Or, the guy who had a rough summer, went through a breakup, and needs to get out of the house more. While all of those things may be true, it's not like I want to be thought of in those ways. I love having friends who genuinely care and want me to spend time with them -- believe me, they wouldn't ask me to do stuff with them if they didn't want me around -- but I'm really hoping they're not asking out of a "poor Brandon, he's all alone" mentality, or some sort of mental obligation they have to include me in things. Because, believe me, I'm fine -- I live up here in Newton because I choose to stay here, and stay isolated, not because I have to. It may be a tad inconvenient at times, but I've weighed the options carefully. If I lived in Wichita, I would turn into a drunk, I would get myself into situations and drama that I don't want to be in, and I would never, ever get any of my work done. For now, at least, staying put and remaining in good academic standing at the university is the top priority, because really, that good academic standing is all I have going for me in life.

This afternoon (in about three hours, in fact) is the EGSA's party/mixer thing in Wichita. I had been iffy on it for most of the week, and despite numerous requests to go to it (again, see previous paragraph), I was never sure of whether or not I'd attend -- even though the lovely lady I asked on a date yesterday will more than likely be there. It came down to my motivation levels, how much gas I had in the car, and how much work I'd gotten done by that point, in addition to who else was going.

Well, I haven't filled the gas tank in the car (it seems to be getting around 25 miles to the gallon now, oddly enough; perhaps that fuel system cleaner helped it somewhat), I have done very little actual work this weekend thus far, and if my motivation levels were higher I would've mowed the grass this morning when I woke up.

It looks like it's going to be most of the guys of the department anyway -- guys who I get along with and who like me, but who I don't have much reason to hang out with outside of class or around campus, as they're fun but their personalities are vastly different than my own, and we don't have much in common. As for anyone else, such as Rae and Jay, or Suri (the latter of whom I sincerely doubt will be there), I spend inordinate amounts of time with them on campus already anyhow, since I'm stuck there a lot during the week. So, three hours from now when this "party" thing starts, I will be sitting on the couch in the living room, reading, writing, and doing school-related tasks, and will not be in attendance.

Next Friday, however, is the museum's Grad Student Mixer, something that I have already made my vows to attend -- provided, of course, that nothing happens to me, my car, or my workload between now and then. As I already know that it will be a somewhat wild night, even a week in advance, I already foresee parking the Monte Carlo somewhere in Wichita early in the evening and crashing for the night at a friend's place to avoid driving home, more than likely. Whose place, obviously, remains a mystery. It may be the one and only night between now and the end of the semester that I'll actually be open to going out drinking and socializing with a group of friends, something that (as you know) I am usually quite opposed to, despite the amount of fun I tend to have when I do.

I'm probably getting the reputation of the boring guy in the department already, even though (once people get to know me well) they realize I am anything but. I can, even now, imagine conversations going like this:

"Who's not here?" they'll ask. "Everyone's here but him, I think."

"Oh, well, that's Brandon for you. He never does this stuff. Never leaves the house."

That's fine, really; I'm content with only letting a very small handful of people here really get to know the real me. Suri knows the real me, and so do Rae and Jay, for the most part, along with maybe one or two others who I won't name here (as I've not yet been given permission to write about them or name names). I'd be happy to let the lovely lady I asked out get to know me better as well, obviously. Otherwise? Eh. As long as I have some friends somewhere, it's not a huge concern. Let people think what they want about me, boring or otherwise.

On that note, I shall now retire to the living room couch, where I will spend the rest of my day, evening, and probably part of the night working on class-related things. I may lead a boring life, but I get shit done.