Out of It

Fall semester: day twelve

I was actually very alert and lucid for my time on campus today. This was despite the fact that I was so dog-tired before leaving the house that just moving around made me ache, and my stomach was upset from all the caffeine I'd ingested to make me a functional human being.

I did make my customary pot of coffee at work once I got there as well, though that was mostly out of habit and needing that bit of an extra boost to keep going. I taught my classes, was able to lecture without becoming too addled or flustered (though there were a few places where I tripped over my own words a little too much), and before I left my office this morning to teach, I made sure I carried all of my stuff with me in my messenger bag so that when I was done, I could go directly back to the parking lot and hop into the Monte Carlo to come home.

This was, really, exactly what happened. As soon as I was done I sped back up 135 and came home, ate the leftovers of a frozen pizza I'd made, and summarily went downstairs to pass the fuck out for about seven hours or so. I was asleep shortly after 1:30, and when I awoke fully, it was 8:30 and dark outside. I woke up only once during my slumber, when the garbagemen made an awful racket around 4:30-ish.

This, of course, means my sleep schedule has been completely thrown off once more, and that I will more than likely be awake for most of the night tonight. This is fine, really, as I don't have to be on campus tomorrow until 1:30 for one of my own classes. I'll probably actually get there around 10 or 11, as I usually do. It lets me get some stuff done around the office, and my sleep schedule will right itself tomorrow night when I have to go to bed as soon as I get home in order to get up at 5AM on Thursday.

I did not make it to the post office today to mail everyone's packages out; as you may have guessed, I was deliriously tired not only this morning, but by the time I got home this afternoon I had ridden the crest of the proverbial wave back down, and was simply ready to crash. If I get up early enough in the morning, I may mail them out then. If not, they'll have to wait until Friday, when I go back out and run errands.

Even after I slept today, my mind is still rather hazy. I had full intentions of writing my first paper for my studies in fiction class tonight, and may still do it, but I'm out of it, as they say. It's hard to focus on anything, and I'm in that phase of being tired where I'm not tired enough to sleep, but too tired to actually be motivated (or clear-minded enough) to do anything. I'm in this phase a lot, I've found, at least during the semester. I hesitate to drink more coffee to wake myself up enough to focus, as well, as I don't want to get into the cycle of staying awake 24-28 hours at a time before I actually get any real sleep. Getting into that sort of cycle would royally fuck me over for Friday, as well.

Friday, as most of you know, is the grad student mixer being held for all of us at the museum on campus. Suri has now decided not to go, as she called and found out that she can't bring her boyfriend -- we in fact cannot bring any guests at all -- so she's out. I'm planning to go, if just to get out of the house and make an excuse for myself to go to Target thereafter. The operative word here, of course, is planning. I've not committed myself to anything yet, despite everyone's insisting that I should go, show up, show my face, etc.

"You're the most...unique of all of us," Rae told me this morning, "since you never do any of this stuff."

"...thanks?" I replied. I honestly didn't know how to respond to that sort of statement.

"And I know, yes, you live up there because you want to, and you're very solitary and isolated," she added, referring to my living in Newton, "but still."

A normal person may have taken "solitary" and "isolated" as insults, but I didn't. Rae's not that type of person anyhow.

"Rae, it's a long fucking drive," I told her. "For me, anyway. That car's expensive to drive anywhere."

"I know, and I understand that," she said, "but all of us are starting to get worried about you."

This. This is what I don't get, the one piece of the puzzle that won't fit. Look, I am very, very appreciative and thankful for all of my friends on campus who care about me, worry about me, and want to include me in things, because that does indeed make me feel special and wanted, but it's not like I'm going to wither away and die up here in Newton just because I don't attend every social function anymore. A large part of it is that people don't realize the main reason why I went to most of the social functions around or involving members of the department in the past is because the former girlfriend wanted me to go with her, not because I necessarily wanted to go myself. Yes, there were a few that I genuinely wanted to go to of my own volition, such as the Halloween party last year, the department Christmas party held in the penthouse of one of our longtime professors, and Rae & Jay's end of the semester blowout in May. As for the rest? Eh.

I will say that I am up for another Halloween party this year, if only as an opportunity to get pictures of me taken dressed up like an absolute nerd. I'm thinking of going as Slave Leia this year.

I'll give you a moment to try to scrub that image from your mind before I continue.

Can't do it, can you? You're welcome.

So, really, I'm not completely sure on the grad student mixer thing on Friday. I'll try to go if I'm motivated to do so in the least (or awake, for that matter), but I'm not making any promises.

As for now, I'm going to attempt to go back to bed, and when I get up in the morning perhaps I'll be fully rested and feeling normal/ready to take on the world again.