Spirits, Part II

Spring semester: day sixty-seven

Last night, as I was absolutely frazzled, had a bad headache (from fatigue, lack of caffeine, and probably because I hadn't really eaten much) and I was driving home from campus around 9PM, I kept thinking to myself things like only two more weeks of this, Brandon. Two more. 

I don't know why yesterday was so difficult for me to get through. Again, I think I'm getting too old for this shit. I'd been starving all day, I had one of the worst headaches I've had in a while -- worst as in, a few shades short of a migraine -- and the entire day I was just...exhausted. For no real reason, really. I mean, I'd slept on Monday night and had slept relatively well. My allergies weren't bothering me that much (they've sort of tapered off for the time being, and are now a low-grade simple annoyance more than anything else). Physically, I looked good -- my hair looked great yesterday, my beard was near-perfect, and I was dressed relatively sharply for a teaching day. Why I felt like hell, then, is anyone's guess. By the time I got home -- skipping my planned Walmart trip because I was so tired -- I was mostly delirious. I quickly messaged Daisy to tell her I was safe, made food to eat so that I could feel a little bit better, and took headache pills. By the time I was done eating, I was so tired that I could barely sit up straight. I returned to the computer, told Daisy I was going to bed (so that she wouldn't worry about me) and went downstairs. I don't remember actually laying down or trying to sleep, as I'm fairly certain that as soon as I was on the bed, I was unconscious.

I slept for nine hours straight -- dreamless, blackout sleep -- and woke up this morning sometime after eight. I'm still groggy and a bit slow now, even after I've been awake and up for over an hour, even though I've been able to get coffee into me. Some coffee, anyway. This morning is off to a really slow start until I can fully wake up and be myself.

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day work-wise, to be honest with you. I did my final workshops in my morning 102 class, came to main campus, made copies of everything I needed between now and the end of the semester (with the exception of my 102's final exams) and collected my 011 students' papers before giving them their final assignment for the course. At this point my classes are definitely on autopilot for the rest of the semester -- there are no more lectures, no more readings to cover, no more necessary books to bring to class...nothing. It's all final papers, projects, and preparing for final exams. Tonight's the last night of my 210 class, and my students are doing their oral presentations in there before the class officially ends with the last presentation's conclusion. There are eight of them, so the class will take between eighty minutes and two hours, I'm guessing.

Yesterday was also a good day personally, despite my tiredness -- I brought in the groom's party gifts for Parker and Amanda, so that I wouldn't lose/break them in my packing and moving. I also got to see several people I don't normally get to see, primarily as we're getting close to the time of year where everyone crawls out of the woodwork to get their final projects/papers done (as well as do everything that needs to be done for their students). We're trying to solidify groom's party plans and travel stuff as it pertains to the wedding and the "bachelor party" beforehand. Parker is going to drive several of them up -- he calls it "the ascension" -- and most of them will probably room with him in the hotel for the duration of the stay. I told them not to go out of their way too much or to spend too much money on coming up for everything, and he told me "don't worry about it; this day is about you. We'll figure it out."

He's right, of course, but still. Everyone dropping everything to focus on me, in most situations, plays directly to the narcissist in me. In situations like this, though, they're all doing me a huge favor -- especially those folks who are in the wedding, and it just feels like...I don't know...like I should be doing everything in my power to make it easier for them. Focus on me is good when it comes to someone praising me or telling me that I'm intelligent and/or attractive, but otherwise? It generally feels awkward.

When my students compliment me, my teaching style, or (especially) when they thank me for all the work I've done and/or my willingness to go above and beyond the call of duty to help them out in class...it's even more awkward. I thank them, of course, but for some reason I become extremely bashful and without words because I'm so not used to that; I'm so not used to anyone telling me that I've done a good job for anything, because I so rarely actually hear it. Adam Carolla (whose podcast I listen to almost religiously) always says that he grew up not with low self-esteem, but no self-esteem. I can definitely relate to that. I used to have decent self-esteem, but over the years it has been systematically beaten out of me by other people's apathy, doing grunt work jobs that were akin to slave labor, academia, and several failed relationships. Only now am I beginning to get a little of it back.

One of my students, a guy in his...oh, late 30s? Early 40s? Something like that, asked me last night if I could redo my academic career from start to finish if I choose the same path and do it again. I didn't have a solid yes or no answer for him. While I am, indeed, proud of my achievements, I'm also $40k in student loan debt and I only made about $12k in the past year. Total. When I told him I would probably end up with a job in Daisy's company once I moved to Omaha (fingers crossed, anyhow), he asked me why I didn't want a job in which I could use my degrees.

"I do," I said. "They're just not out there, and the ones that are have thousands of applicants."

Have I also mentioned before that I have incredibly shitty luck most of the time when it comes to job applications and interviews? Well, I do. One of the jobs I applied for at Daisy's company was filled, and I wasn't selected for it. I got the email this morning. At least they tell you, right?

Anyway.

I had two more people drop out of being able to come to the wedding, but one more who said she would be there and said she'd RSVP last night. Whether she did or not, I don't know -- all of the RSVPs go to Daisy. I don't know what our current guest count is, but the last I heard it was around 70 or so -- with most of those wedding guests being people Daisy knows, her family/extended family, and people she worked/currently works with (and probably some of her friends from college). People coming from "my side" is confined to my parents, my groom's party, and plus/minus ten friends or so from the department -- as well as probably my friend Jane from back home. I'm glad there's not going to be assigned seating or "sides" to sit on at the wedding, because if so it would be extremely lopsided.

Yesterday morning I wrote the 30 days' notice letter to my landlord. I haven't sent it yet, of course; I won't mail it until the weekend once I get paid again and write the rent check out. I have a few bills to pay this weekend in addition to that, and I need to book the moving truck as well. To add insult to injury, my electric bill should arrive this weekend also. No, I don't expect it to be high at all, seeing as I've run the furnace approximately four days or so during the past month, but eh. It's still money I'll have to spend. I had to order a new watch from Amazon yesterday morning as well, as the one I have now (which, admittedly, I did get on clearance at Walmart for like, $7) has a really weak battery and it's about to die. The one I wear now is both analog and digital, and the hands on the clock stopped moving. I reset it and they started moving again, but they don't keep the time and will occasionally stop for hours upon hours on end. The calendar function reset itself months ago as well, so I'm pretty sure the battery is almost dead. I just ordered another Casio Databank watch like I've worn for years (before this one, I mean); it'll be the third Databank I've owned, and it was only $15 when the same watch at Walmart is $30 or more.

Apparently, according to the weather forecasts I've seen, there's a risk of severe weather this afternoon and tonight...when I'll be out and about to go teach my class. The risk is much higher over the weekend, though. This means that before I leave this afternoon, whether I like it or not, I have to move the unused boxes out of the garage and into the basement/bedroom so that if I have to put my car in the garage upon my return home, I can do so. I can't use any of the boxes until I get more duct tape at Walmart tonight (when I plan to make my shopping trip) anyway.

I do, sadly, have a fair amount of stuff I need to get at Walmart tonight, not just the tape. I need to get the necessities of cat food and litter, coffee, cigarettes, some actual food that I can make quickly after I return home from my classes, cooking oil, sandwich stuff, etc. While I'd like to get some marked-down Easter candy, I'm guessing it's all gone by now. I really hope the storms can hold off until after I'm home, as having the Monte Carlo sit in a parking lot anywhere (whether that be Walmart or on West campus) makes said parking lot a shooting gallery if there's large hail. It's not like I can afford to replace a windshield right now, either.

As an aside, the Monte Carlo has been running/driving extremely well for the past few weeks. I'm getting really good gas mileage, I've noticed a big difference in the way the car accelerates and handles now that it's warm (and it isn't fighting the cold every morning and night), and it doesn't seem to be burning off or dripping any oil or coolant -- at least not like before. As I've said before, that car is a tank. She's got some life in her yet, apparently.

As mentioned, my classes are on autopilot. Tonight ends the 210, and tomorrow I cover the stuff for the final exam in my 102 and hold a Q&A session. Tuesday brings the same stuff for my 011s and the practice exam in my 102 (papers are also due in there then), and then next Thursday is the final exam in my 102. Two weeks from last night is the last day of my semester before finals. I have everything printed and copied; basically all I have to do for the rest of the semester for my classes is be present at the scheduled time and have a pulse. Of course, I have to grade all of their work that comes in, but still.

Still no state tax refund check in the mail yet; once I get it, I'll cash it and apply it to groceries and the like, and then save whatever's left afterwards. I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

This coming weekend -- regardless of the weather -- involves me doing (of course) more packing and cleaning. I have to finish emptying the garage of anything I no longer want or need, and then (weather permitting) sweeping it out and getting rid of all of the dirt/dust/grass/leaves, etc in there and around the garage, car, and doors. There's also grading I'll have to do as well, though it'll be somewhat lighter grading than usual. I'll have journals for my 102s and papers for my 011s. I have the papers now, but I won't get to them before the weekend.

For now, though? A shower and some food seems to be in order. It's time to start my day.