The End, Part III: The End-ening

Today is the end of the line. I have completed Spring Semester 2012 and survived it. My students' final grades have been calculated, submitted to the Banner system, and all paperwork has been turned in. I got a 100% on my English 681 project that was almost 60 pages. What I needed to pack up and bring home from my office has been packed up and brought home. Everything is finished.

I feel like I should somehow be filled with hope, inspiration, or have the sense that a great weight has been lifted from me, but I really don't feel any of those things. I feel...boredom. And listlessness. And also loneliness.

Due to circumstances outside my control, I will more than likely not be driving to Lady's school to witness her graduation this weekend. She's doing a lot of traveling herself, back and forth from Kansas City's airport at least three times (which, from where her college is, is a lot of driving), and the window I'd get to see her were I to go anyway would be really, really short -- as she must get on the road to her home back east Sunday evening. She can't stay in her dorm past that time and must be out by then. I'd end up seeing her for less time than it would take for me to drive there, not to mention back here, over the course of the entire weekend. And, of course, I'd have to find a place to stay overnight were I to go, whether that be in my car, a hotel, or otherwise. This, of course, doesn't mean I don't want to go anyway -- I certainly do -- but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Which, of course, sucks. This means that I have no idea when I'll actually see her next (since she's going back home to work for the summer), which is just...well, sad.

The situation is far from ideal anyway. Lady and I, all else considered, have some issues we need to work through -- the least of which will be the distance we're apart over the summer. Most of it's circumstantial stuff; nobody's at fault, etc, but it's still stuff that affects us and still stuff we have to deal with. A lot of outside factors and a lot of really, really shitty luck is taking its toll on both of us right now, and therefore things are a bit difficult. In fact, "a bit difficult" is putting it mildly, in order to avoid going into detail about our private lives -- and that's all I'm going to say on the matter.

None of this, of course, changes anything about the summer -- I am still here, in Kansas, with a short break ahead of me before I begin teaching summer sessions. I found out last night that summer sessions will start (for me, anyway) on May 21; my first night of teaching is Tuesday, May 22. This of course throws a wrench into any plans I had of me and Lady visiting my parents before she starts work in June, as I now have to start teaching a week earlier than I had been told, and therefore must prepare my lesson plans, syllabus, and weekly schedule that much earlier as well. While I still have almost two weeks off in the meantime (well, about a week and a half), that date is fast-approaching, and soon will my world once more be consumed -- at least one night per week, anyhow -- with teaching.

Honestly, it really doesn't matter to me -- money is really, really tight right now, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future until August or so, so I feel really lucky to even have any sort of job for the summer.  I need it. I am so slobberingly grateful for any paycheck thrown my way during the summer that I'm willing to do almost anything. I have very, very little food in the house right now, and can't really go shopping yet because I cannot afford to until I am paid tomorrow. The remainder of that paycheck will go towards the two bills that just came in -- my credit card bill and the water bill. I'll need to pay as much as my credit card bill as I can, because I'll need to use said card for gas to get me back and forth from the west campus for teaching, even if it's just teaching one night a week.

Let me tell you, the best part of winter break was that I only had to fill my gas tank once. Because I never went anywhere. The same is not going to be true over the summer, that's for sure.

The next few days, since I'm more than likely not going to be doing any traveling as I expected, will be spent trying to recover from the wrath of this entire semester. No, it was not a particularly hard semester, but there was still a lot of work involved and a lot of sleep lost, and I'm just...weary. I never thought I'd feel this weary or weighted down after I finished it.

Actually, no, that's incorrect. I knew I would be. I just didn't know it would hit so hard, so fast, and be accompanied with such a sense of listlessness and loneliness. Almost all of my friends have now left town for the summer, and the ones who haven't yet, I saw for probably the last time today until August. We also have two of us not graduating but leaving the program as well, and I doubt I'll see either of them ever again. This sucks, of course, but not much can be done. Jay at least says he wants to come up and visit me at some point over the summer, as very few of us will remain in town or around the area for any real stretch of time, but as for most other folks? Gone, gone home to their respective cities and states across the country.

Andrea keeps trying to come up with ideas for things to do to get me out of the house this summer, things that are either free or very, very cheap. I've told her, though, that I'm so not the type to go out and do things alone, and definitely not the type that likes spending any more time in the blazing Kansas sun than I have to.

"I'm the guy who retreats into video games, into internet stuff, TV, and movies," I told her. "Sleep. Writing. Stuff like that. Not the one who goes out and joins activities and social events, at least not alone."

This is true. I find it hard to be social when I don't have anyone to be social with. With Lady across the country and back home for the summer, this still applies. Going out and doing things alone bores me. It makes me realize just how alone and isolated I am in my little house with my three cats and beat-up car. But, eh, it's life. It's what I've got. It's what I am.

So that's pretty much all that's going on right now, folks. I'll update more soon, when I have something to report. Anything to report.