I've been promising for the past several days (read: almost a month) that I was going to use what my friend Adam sent me, quote him on the vast majority of it, and use it as our first "collaboration" of sorts on women, love, judgment, and the meaning of life.
Heavy topics, I know.
For those unfamiliar, I've known Adam for over ten years now. He and I became friends when we were both undergraduate students at WVU, which was about a third of our lives ago. Yeah. It's been that long. He is the only friend I've had in that time who has legitimately scared my mother upon meeting her, and one of only about five friends who has ever met either of my parents, period. He is covered in tattoos, used to boast many piercings (including heavily gauged ears) and runs a small record label. He's very into the hardcore scene, is perpetually single and jaded when it comes to love and women (hm, sounding familiar, folks?) and up until this week, lived in North Carolina. He recently moved to South Carolina, or is currently in the process of doing so.
Adam is also one of the smartest, sharpest, and most quick-witted people I've ever known. And he's been through a hell of a lot in his life. There aren't many people whose experiences and wisdom I trust more than his, and there aren't many people who have been friends with me as long as he has. When he gives me advice, I tend to take it -- or, at least, consider it.
Here's what he had to say. I've offset his stuff with block quotes and italics:
So, after reading your rather depressing post (sans shout out for keeping ships from sinking as it were), I figured I'd throw some words out there on the whole thing, post it or not, quote it or not, but here it is, words with more words.
When I think of the word "judgment," I think of things like "god," "religion," death, law, and predisposition towards others. Let's be honest here -- no matter what we do, we are constantly judged for various reasons, be it appearance, financial status, taste in what "culture" helps define you as a "person," and social status. To me, it's all a bunch of bullshit regardless. If you let people's judgment of you truly affect your day to day operations, you are giving someone permission to take charge of your life and guide it as they see fit on whatever whims they may have, fleeting or not. Did I miss something here, or are we REALLY that worried about what someone says? I'll put it like this: unless you are a close friend/family member, are fucking me/are in a relationship with me, are paying me/an artist I could be working with, or a pet, I could truly give four fucks what you have to say to me or what you think of me.
I like that he included "or a pet" in that. That, my friends, is hilarious.
I don't know. For a number of reasons that I'd rather not talk about here, last night I completely deleted and wiped my second, secret OkCupid profile, the one I used simply to keep tabs on friends and continue my "question war" with Adam. I have no desire to use the site ever again, for anything. Fuck it. It's a horrible place that's caused me nothing but problems and stress over the course of the last nine months or so. Yes, I've found wonderful people on it -- both Daisy and Lady I never would have met without that site -- but I'm done with it. When I wrote about two months ago (and posted the video of it, even), quoting Aliens and saying that "nuking the entire site from orbit was the only way to be sure," I meant it. And I mean it even more now. The place is a cesspool filled with mostly damaged, deranged people who cannot function in the real world. Note that I said mostly.
As for judgment, I think all of us deal with it on a daily basis anyhow, whether we want to admit it or not, or realize it or not. And the worst of it does come from those close friends and family members, as Adam mentioned above in that excerpt. I don't associate with "the public," or anyone who doesn't matter to me on an intellectual level. I just don't. Look at me, folks: I'm a poor grad student who never leaves the house, who owns a busted-up car and three cats. I don't have anyone else to judge me other than my close friends and family, a group (at least when it comes to friends, anyhow) which is getting smaller by the week, smaller by the month, by the year. Most of those people only know a sliver of what I define as the real me, because I put on masks or personas to suit different situations and different types of social interactions. You do too; don't lie to yourself. My extended family doesn't know the real me any better than someone passing by me on the street does -- and the same goes for even most of my close friends. They know parts of the real me, sure. They may even know large parts of me. But that's it. Why? Because of judgment. And that's why all of us tailor our personalities to people and situations whether we realize it or not. We are, as a whole, afraid to be ourselves. Why are we afraid? Because if we had no fear, no nervousness, decorum, or tact, we'd be left alone. Nobody would want anything to do with us. We'd no longer have any friends at all, and our families might disown us.
Maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just that strange. And, ironically, I have put on less of a mask or persona than most have throughout their lives, especially in situations that may have called for it. For example, I swear like a sailor in most casual conversation, especially when I'm trying to make a point. I grow my beard and hair long (though I do keep it neat and somewhat respectable-looking) because I want to, which goes against most of society's norms. I make, and wear, lots of tie-dye clothing, wear lots of comic book/music group/offensive t-shirts, even in professional settings (such as teaching), and most of the time I don't care who I offend because, for the most part, anyone who I would offend with what I say or do isn't someone who would or should want to associate with me anyhow. Yet I am still never completely myself, because being my complete self generally tends to alienate people and/or makes them run away or stop associating with me -- and contrary to what you might think based on what I've said already, yes, I would like some (very few, but some) of those people to stick around in my life.
Again, as I've written before, I can't even be my complete self on this blog. I will always, at least to some extent, censor or edit myself. Too many people read it. Too many people have access to it. And you folks have no idea the amount of shit I've gotten for some of the stuff I've written here that I did heavily edit or censor before posting it. I can't tell you how sick I am of that, and I can't tell you how many times I've considered completely deleting this blog over the past three months or so just so that I could get everyone to leave me alone.
Going back to, and bouncing off of, what Adam said: no, I don't care about what people who aren't close to me think about me, or about who I am. But I am very, very fed up with receiving nothing but criticism of my character, complaints, or outright self-righteous judgment over who I am from people who are close to me -- and it's only gotten worse over the course of the past few months. It is as if the only things people can say to me anymore are about how much of a horrible person I am or criticizing something I've said, done, or didn't say/didn't do. That is what I mean when I use the word "judgment," from my personal perspective. It is that I am literally being judged by people, people I'm close to, on a daily basis. And I'm sick of it, especially when all it has been as of late is some people being self-righteous enough to criticize me simply for who I am, or something I've said, or for something that pisses them off about me, which doesn't affect them. And, of course, it wouldn't bother me if there wasn't always such negativity involved with it -- nobody, for example, tells me things like "hey, you're awesome" or "hey, this isn't your fault," etc. The one exception to this is that Lady has been reading through my blog as of late (which she's never done before, ever) and has complimented me on the fact that I am a great writer, very expressive, etc.
Anyway, continuing with Adam's words...
Preach it, brother.
I remember moving around when I was a kid, and I was the FNG (fucking new guy) so often and was judged harshly for one reason or another, being the son of a single parent (my father raised me for the most part, my mom passed away before I turned 9 for those needing a point of reference on this self-destructing memo), not being a catholic, social awkwardness due to whatever reason, taste(s) in whatever, it happened again and again and again, and it got worse when my dad got remarried to my now ex-step mom (die cunt die), THEN the divorce, the moving, the everything...and it was the type of pressure that can break anyone wanting nothing more than to be normal and accepted like in an 80s teen movie. Well, thats not the reality of it all, and heres the kicker, thank the fuck dark lord Tom Selleck it happened that way.
IF I had been the folly of someone's judgment and decided on a more normative approach to every aspect of my life, I'd be dead before I even had the gumption to read your latest posting and reply in a semi-charmed kinda way. It reminds me of where I was when I was much younger, and I don't mean to be a condescending fuckwit here, but you are alive, right? And I don't mean that in the "I woke up and went to work" alive, I mean actually alive, worry free of these boot-licking supplicants and wannabe socialite shit-heels and other sycophantic cunts that just want to be seen to be seen, and heard and so on.
Also? Bonus points for the dark lord Tom Selleck. Seriously.
I wont say I don't "judge" things or people, but I do so more in accordance to my personal tastes or distastes and it's all completely contextual...but rarely is it with pure venom just for pure venom's sake. Brandon and I have different tastes in music, art, books, etc..but what that DOESN'T say is that despite our differences and successes and failures, I don't "judge" him for these; I prefer to associate with Brandon due to his ability to write and who he is at his core...and if you compared the two of us standing side by side, more than likely you wouldn't think us to associate with each other...we simply LOOK too different and people will "JUDGE" our association to whatever ends they fancy in their soggy, milquetoast heads.
Actually, about ten or eleven years ago, remembering how I dressed and acted then? Nah. People would've assumed we were friends/got along/etc. And they would've been right. I just didn't have any tattoos or piercings. My demeanor, however, was much different then than it is now. Adam remembers -- I am so not the same person now that I was in college.
We do have different tastes in music, for the most part, though I would imagine that our tastes in art and books runs pretty parallel to one another. Still, a number of different groups/bands I never would have heard of or ever listened to if it weren't for Adam's influences in my life back then, and those bands I still follow and listen to today.
Anyway, onward:
I kept re-reading the okstupid and the potential ideas of being hurt sections the most. Human beings are good at about 3 things in total: helping, hurting, and doing nothing. That's life, and there are those who help, but you'll run into the do-nothings and the hurtful, so there is no way that you can't get through life without knowing your limits on all things, and thats the way it is...but giving it more credit than needed is where people fall into a rut, in one way or another. Efforts and attempts are not celebrated or treated like they should be, you attempted it, you failed...you either try again or try something else.
Bonus points for calling it "okstupid." I just personally find it somewhat amusing that I finally finish this post now, the day after I deleted even my secret profile from the site. Oh well.
Adam is very right here; we must all know our limits. Sadly, I know many more do-nothings and hurtful people than I know helpful people. This is why I have so few friends I would call "close" with no restrictions on that label. Actually, to be completely fair, I could probably be classified to most people as a "do-nothing" simply because of the path I've chosen in life -- I'm not changing the world, I'm not out there in it being helpful, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, etc. I am a graduate student getting a Master's degree in fucking poetry, which -- on the hierarchy of being useful in this world, ranks right above majoring in ceramics or underwater basket-weaving. Still, I am not outright hurtful, and I don't intend to let the world idly pass me by. I may not have any sort of grand "I must make my mark on the world" sort of plan for myself, because not only would that be grandiose and foolhardy, but it would be arrogant. I can only be what I am or what I will eventually become.
And he is right about that last section, too -- more right than he knows, actually. Efforts and attempts are not celebrated or are treated as they should be. I've had a really, really shitty summer, as you folks know. When I had to, I made every effort and attempt that I could reasonably do to get myself out of the situation I was in, to pull myself up and survive on my own doing what I could do, and by doing what I was actually able to do, which included selling a ton of my games and selling my guitar, as well as going hungry a few nights a week so that I had enough money for food for the cats and gas for the car in order to drive back and forth for teaching. Yes, I sold everything I could. Yes, I went hungry. Yes, I dealt with 105-degree temperatures without turning on my air conditioner much (if at all) because I couldn't afford the electric bill. I made many sacrifices and explored many options that otherwise I would not have otherwise considered, including borrowing money from my parents, just to be able to survive. Look down on me for that all you want, but I just barely, barely made it through thanks to a little luck and some help from my parents.
I know the idea of potential future loss, and its a rather terrifying thing when you get down to the core of it all. I'd rather see how introspective I'll get on said subject until every last nerve in my body is screaming to get the fuck up and do something about it and not let it define me or have it be yet another reason for someone to "judge" me. I've been able to prove to not only others but myself that some of my core attributes, while they can be nasty and vile, I have the ability to hold in check and actually show more than contempt and disdain for things. I've been able to prove to myself its ok to laugh at these fuckers who get off on their ability to judge others and even let MOST of their shit go (close to all, but lets be honest here there comes a time when you simply must step it the fuck up and put people in their place) these days.
Well put, my friend. Well put. And I agree with most all of that as well. As I've mentioned here before, there's a point where you just have to let most things go, ignore them, and move on with your life. For me, I "put people in their place" fairly rarely; most of the time it's simply wasted effort, wasted breath. People don't listen, they don't care, they're stubborn and arrogant in their views. Why bother? Why waste your time, right or wrong? It's needless stress, needless drama, and I have never been a fan of drama or confrontation anyhow. Life's too short to bother with most people in such a way. Leave 'em to their own devices, let 'em think what they want. I don't like being judged, no, but there's no way I'll ever be able to stop people from judging me, and the same could be said for anyone. The most any of us can do is to recognize who will and who won't be condescending or judgmental to us, and steer clear of the people who will be. I've mentioned this before, briefly -- I call these sorts of people "toxic." They are people whose presence I don't need in my life, and sadly all of us will run into people like this many times over many years. The trick is in recognizing them before it's too late and they suck you down into the proverbial despair vortex as well.
So, there you have it. My first collaboration with Adam. Sorry you folks had to wait so long on it. I've been rather busy with a ton of really shitty things over the past few days, though I'll fill you in on it in my next post.
