Stark Raving Mad

Spring semester: day fifteen

While the weeks fly by, the weekends seem to do so even more quickly. This weekend I did little else but clean, do laundry, and grade papers. And there was a lot of each one of those tasks to do.


No, let me correct myself -- I also paid all of my bills, bought Daisy another (spur-of-the-moment) Valentine's Day gift, did some minor grocery shopping, and made a big pot of chicken noodle soup. Today I plan to try to relax somewhat -- I've been doing nothing but work, really, ever since I got home from campus on Thursday night, and since my relaxation time is at a premium as the semester ramps up (I spent a good twelve or fourteen hours this weekend grading those aforementioned papers).

Any relaxation time is going to be short-lived; Daisy is planning to come down on Thursday for the Valentine's Day weekend, which means that on Wednesday not only do I need to clean the rest of the house while I'm off, but I must get the last component of her special present, which can't be retrieved until Wednesday at the earliest (trust me, it's complicated, but all will be revealed eventually). I still teach on Tuesday and Thursday as well -- I'm covering the other two important readings of Unit 1 in my classes, sorting them into workshop groups, and assigning them their first big, important paper.

I thought about getting one of those kids' boxes of valentines -- you know, the ones that kids give out to classmates in elementary school -- and filling some out for my close friends in the department as a joke, sticking them in their mailboxes, etc. I didn't get any, though. Don't want to give anyone the wrong idea or anything, even if on most of them (even for the guys) I'd write something like yo bitch, you is fine or an equivalent phrase. I will also admit that the other reason I didn't do this is because my mind completely blanked and I forgot to even go through the valentine section when I did my late-night shopping at Walmart last night. Oh well. Over the past few years, usually someone in the department has thrown a "valentine-making party" at one of their homes to handcraft paper valentines for friends and colleagues -- though I've not heard anything about that this year. I guess since we're all trying to graduate and/or have already graduated since the last time that happened, it sort of falls to the wayside when other things take precedence.

I will also note that nobody ever made one for me anyway, even when I was single (read: this time last year). Of those of us who are there on a regular, almost-daily basis anyhow, I'm one of the black sheep of the department -- I generally only associate with a handful of people, and of those people, only about half of them are fellow graduate students (the rest are my bosses, in case you're wondering). I see relatively few of my friends on any given day this semester; most of them have schedules opposite of mine, or if they don't, they're teaching at the same time I am or are otherwise not around when I am. Parker, Rae, and sometimes Jay are around when I am, but I have many friends in the department I haven't seen at all this semester, or have seen once or twice in a brief hallway pass. This spring has been different than any other semester I've ever been a graduate student, that's for sure.

There's also been some confusion and misinformation here and there when it comes to graduation stuff; according to the chair and my thesis director, starting this semester the Department of English voted to abolish the "third reader" requirement for theses. I learned this last week when I asked the chair -- my "big boss," so to speak, if he'd like to be my third reader. He told me that while he'd love to, it was no longer required. This was confirmed to me by my thesis director on Thursday as well, so I thought to myself well, that's good; one less thing to worry about. Apparently, however, this is not the case -- while this change has been approved by the English Department, it has not yet gone through all of the processes required by the graduate school itself for this semester. I double-checked on this, as did our graduate advisor, as I brought up this concern with her. Yes, for this semester at least, we are required to have a third reader for our projects/theses. I relayed this back to our chair, who once more confirmed that he would be my third reader and apologized for any confusion.

It happens, really; I'm not too concerned by it, as the chair of the department and I get along exceedingly well, and I've done everything I can to help the department over my tenure as a GTA there. In fact, I'm one of the few "big fans," so to speak, of the department, university, and program I'm in. Over the past three years I've felt privileged and honored to be a part of it. My experiences haven't always been pleasant, but that comes in any line of work. You folks already know my thoughts on teaching and what my goals are there -- I'll spare you the unnecessary recap.

There are many little administrative things I have to do over the course of the next week or so, both at home and at work; I've been meaning to file my taxes for the past two weeks, for example, but have been too busy working on other stuff to sit down and do so.

"You know when I'll finally be able to file my taxes?" I asked Daisy tonight. "It'll be about three days before they're due, after comps are over."

Pass or fail, the comps are my main, if not only, academic focus over the course of the next two months. After April 5, while there's still a month of classes remaining in the semester, my focus will solely be on my students -- all of my work will be done and fully complete. The problem, however, is finding something to do after May in such a short time between then and graduation. While I could try to tackle everything all at once -- student work, lesson plans, grading, doing my taxes, comps reading/studying, visiting writer sessions, job searching, and household stuff -- if I did, I'd probably have an aneurysm. At the very least, I would never, ever sleep more than an hour or two per night, which would probably induce some sort of psychotic episode after about two weeks. As that wouldn't be productive and may get me thrown into a nuthouse, I'd prefer not to go stark raving mad and to take care of my tasks one at a time.

"How early do I have to let you folks know that I'd like to adjunct in the fall?" I asked the chair last week when I was talking to him about the third reader stuff. "I don't know that it will be necessary to do so -- I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing after May -- but if I can't find anything else, I want to be able to line something up here at the university if at all possible."

This is a legitimate question. Job-searching is all well and good, but if I can't find something between now and May, I'm going to be shit out of luck, again, when it comes to being able to pay my bills after, say, the end of June or so. Simple adjuncts don't teach summer classes, either, which means I wouldn't be able to secure a summer position without some major begging and/or finagling, and probably not even then. This means that if I can't secure a good position somewhere before graduation, or at least before mid-June or so, I have to bite the proverbial bullet, work some low-wage job around the area for the rest of the summer, and try my damnedest to secure an adjunct position for the fall. I'll teach as many classes as they want; the more I teach, the more money I make (that's how adjuncting works here). It may run me ragged, but it won't run me any more ragged than graduate school itself ever did. Screw it, I'll do what it takes.

Mind you, it's not like this is my only option, but if time starts running out and I've got nothing, I have to plan for the scenario that I'll be here in Kansas for a bit longer than expected. If I can secure employment for the fall, even if I don't end up needing it, it's better than nothing and it will buy me some time -- enough time, perhaps, to find something to do with my life.

A certain part of me, actually, doesn't really want to leave the university environment, doesn't want to leave this house, town, or state. It's a small part, but it's there nonetheless -- I think it's because I dread and fear the concept of change, and abhor changes to my daily routine and living situation. As much as I may whine about it at times, it's mostly meaningless whining -- what I have works for me. It may not be ideal, but I've survived on relatively little for the past three years and have worked long academic hours on pretty low GTA pay and loans. As an adjunct, depending on how many classes I teach per semester, I'd get roughly the same amount, if not a bit more. I'd still survive. But, it would be treading water, building experience, and biding time until I find someplace else to go, something else to do. The department likes me, though -- I have allies and friends there. A much larger part of me, however, wants to spread my proverbial wings and start over somewhere new, using my newly-gotten degree as the stepping stone to a lifelong career in that real world everyone talks about.

"You'll have to talk to [office administrator] about all of that stuff," the chair told me. "She's the one who makes the schedules and plans for the semester's classes in advance, and can estimate roughly what and who we'll need. I will say, though, don't count on that, don't set anything in stone or anything along those lines -- adjuncting positions are based on enrollment and projected enrollment numbers. Sometimes we get a higher enrollment than expected, others we get much lower. It's really a roll of the dice."

A roll of the dice, in my mind, is better than no roll at all. If I find something in the meantime, I can always be removed from the adjuncts list quite easily. After graduation, I'm rushing into the future headlong with no controls, no game plan, no brakes. Again, my mind focuses on the simplicity of survival, of how much I'll need to budget for food and bills, and how much more future work and maintenance I'll have to put into the Monte Carlo to keep it running as long as I need it to with the 226,000 miles it already has on it now.

The car has been running and performing remarkably well over the course of the past several months, actually -- I've not had to put any more oil into it since Christmas, and its gas mileage has been great. As it's not been ass-chillingly cold this winter thus far (the lowest temperature we've had has been around 10 degrees or so) and I'm driving her only half as much per week as I used to, she's been firing up without fail and has been incredibly reliable (knock on wood). I'll still do a little "preventative maintenance" here and there, keeping her full of oil/coolant and occasionally pouring a bit of Marvel Mystery Oil down her gullet, as that definitely helps things, but I'm hoping that I don't need to take said car into the shop for any major repairs anytime soon. I'm looking to get another oil change and stuff along those lines sometime around or shortly after Spring Break and comps (since, while I am not yet due for an oil change due to the fact I've not driven her an incredible amount, I will be due or a bit overdue by that time).  I only put about 100 miles a week on the car now.

Tomorrow is a really, really iffy day -- I found out this evening that there's a winter weather advisory here for all of tomorrow, starting late tonight. Yes, out of the blue. This is a bad thing; tomorrow, as you may know, is my only long day on campus. I get there around 7AM, and go home at around 5PM. We're supposed to get a rain/snow mix starting in the afternoon. While my car goes well in the snow, again, it's one of those situations similar to last week with the rain -- people here in Kansas drive like idiots when the weather is bad. Add to that the 5PM traffic and you have a dangerous, shitty situation that I totally want no part of whatsoever. I may see if I can get out of my Writing Center hour a bit early tomorrow afternoon, if not do it at a different hour entirely, just to see if I can get out of town as early as possible -- especially if the weather's getting progressively worse. I'm not concerned about the weather as much as I am everyone else in it, as you probably could have guessed. Especially since I don't have to go to campus on Wednesday.

"I just want you to be able to get home safely," Daisy told me earlier.

"Me too," I said. "Getting out of town at 5PM is bad enough. Getting out of town at 5PM during a winter storm, however mild, is a nightmare."

We'll have to see what happens, I suppose.