In retrospect, it was probably good I never sent it -- it would've caused needless drama. I've had a number of friends over the years who have exited my life, either ceremoniously (note the dripping sarcasm here) or unceremoniously for whatever reasons, and some of them have been really, really close friends. This one was a very close friend, one whom I referred to as my sister, and saw as a part of my family even more than some actual family members I have. Losing her as a friend was a huge loss because not only was I losing someone I referred to frequently as my sister, but because for all intents and purposes, she was my best friend and had been for some time. It was like having someone close to me die suddenly, to a certain extent. However, when the friendship dissolved, it was already mid-July, and Daisy was already in my life and we were getting ever closer. Having Daisy around softened the blow of losing my best friend, and in a month or two I basically forgot about her rather ceremonious exit from my life completely.
For those of you who are long-time readers of this blog, you know that last summer was hardly a pleasure cruise. I was teaching a ten-week English 102 course with very small, irregular paychecks, my car was always on the verge of breaking down, and it was 105-115 degrees every day, which made it impossible to survive without almost constantly running my air conditioner (and thus making my electric bill skyrocket). I couldn't get a second job without department/graduate school approval (doing so would invalidate my contract as a GTA, even though it was during the summer; this stipulation has since been revised and/or completely removed), and my $300 car insurance bill comes due during the summer months -- something that nearly bankrupted me when I was already almost completely out of money. By the end of the summer I had borrowed money from my parents (which I have long since paid back entirely), I had sold my guitar and amp to the pawn shop in order to be able to afford to eat, and sold almost all of my video games (read: the ones Gamestop would actually buy) just to make ends meet. I had also emptied my bank account to less than $30 or so left in it, and I had maxed out both of my credit cards just to get groceries for me and the cats and to be able to keep gas in the car so that I could go continue to soullessly teach my summer course. It was a very, very rough, and very unpleasant time for me. If I hadn't found Daisy -- who would bring down a cooler of food almost every time she visited (even though I told her it was unnecessary), and whose mother baked me breads and other treats -- I wouldn't have made it. I estimate that I lost about twenty pounds or more last summer because of stress and from going hungry some nights. My life was bad, folks.
But how much changes in a year, right?
And, most importantly -- something I want to emphasize -- I got through it. I powered through it. I shrugged off everything else and focused on what was important, and I made it.
I've now graduated with my Master's degree, I'm engaged to be married, and I have several thousand dollars to my name (because I saved my money as much as possible over the course of the past year), and in that past year I have not spoken to said former friend, nor have I given her much thought at all. She has, like many others, been basically deleted from my life. I've lost other friends in the past year as well, and similarly, I've not really thought about them either. People come and go. I just let them, and if they're particularly toxic people, I do nothing to keep them in my life -- but I also don't kick them out of it (usually, anyway; there have been exceptions over the years). I let these people make their own decisions; if they choose to exit my life, then they're allowed -- but I don't let them back in once they've left. I'm entirely passive in this scenario except in that. There's no crawling back to this guy when shit gets rough and you need a shoulder to cry on once I've been cast aside. That's my policy and I stick to it. As I've written here many times before, I live in a drama-free zone, and this applies even more now -- much more now, in fact -- now that I'm moving on with my life from not only a professional, but a marriage-and-family perspective. In another year, I don't know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing. Hell, in six months I don't know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing. But I do know it's onward and upward from here, I suppose. Or at least I'd like to think so, anyway.
It's June now. I graduated two weeks ago yesterday, and it feels really strange that it's only been that long. It feels like two months, really. Time is slowing down now that I don't have to be anywhere or do anything on a daily basis anymore. This is good. It feels like my time in Omaha was so long ago, when really it was less than two weeks ago now. Time is funny like that sometimes. Yet, when Daisy comes down in a few days, it will feel like I've just seen her recently, because I have. That doesn't mean I want to see her any less, of course. It's just something I've been thinking about -- how I perceive the passage of time.
I can't pick up my diploma from the university for another six weeks or so; we've been given explicit instructions that it won't be available until July 18th or something like that. This is good on some level; it means I'll be able to go pick it up then, and while I'm there I can ask about the budget, the Engineering English program's continuation, and/or drop off my office keys, which I still have. I can also ask about whether I'll be adjuncting this fall, if I have nothing else on my plate at that point. Transcripts aren't available until then, either, according to the scroll we received at graduation -- but the good news is that up to September, or something like that, we can get five free ones. After that they'll cost us money. Until then, on my CV, I have to list something like "transcripts are not available until August 2013."
I applied for my first English instructor position tonight, by the way -- Vatterott College in Omaha has an opening for an English instructor for its night courses. I received this email in response:
Brandon,
Thank you for submitting your resume and your interest in our position at Vatterott Educational Centers.
You have completed Step 1 in the application process. We will be reviewing resumes in the next 2 weeks. Should we find your skills and experience a fit, we will contact you directly to schedule an interview.
Sincerely,
The Human Resource Department
It's a generic email, of course, sent out to anyone who applies, but at least it shows me that they received my application. Could be interesting. I've found a few other positions I'll be applying for over the next few days as well, though I'll have to create and maintain accounts to be able to apply for them. This is a start, at least. It feels so weird to be searching for and applying for jobs again -- I haven't done so in four years. Really, almost five. When I was working for the newspaper here in Newton, I sort of lucked into that position and worked my way up, and I freelanced for them for six months or more before I was hired on as a full reporter and their webmaster. It's so strange to be looking for work again now that I've exited my insular bubble of academia.
I have not heard back from my mother yet about a trip out there this summer at some point; however, Daisy did tell me that she'd spoken to her boss-type-person and he told her that it was do-able for her to be able to leave town for a week or so if necessary.
"When would you think we'd go?" she asked me tonight.
"I don't know," I replied. "Probably sometime in June. Mom won't want to do it around July 4th, because I've been out there over July 4th before and the flights were really expensive. It really depends on whether my parents want to do it or not. They may not be able to. But, regardless, I wanted to ask my mother about it."
"Okay..." she said. I realized that this wasn't really an answer.
"My mother always orders the tickets as far in advance as she can because it's cheaper," I reassured her. "Usually three weeks to a month out."
This is true; my mother has been known to order plane tickets two months or so in advance if it's a lock that I'll be able to come during that time. When I flew out there for Spring Break last year, I think she ordered the tickets shortly after Christmas. I can't remember, really. When I flew out for Christmas, she had everything set up by Thanksgiving. So, yeah, she's good at this sort of thing.
"Well, three weeks from now is my birthday, and I don't want to travel during that," Daisy told me.
"I know that," I replied. "Keep in mind that I haven't even heard back from mom yet."
It's not a big deal either way, obviously; I would like to visit home this summer, but it's not required or anything. I'd like to have Daisy meet my parents at least once before I marry the woman, of course -- especially since Daisy's parents are already so fond of me, and the feeling is mutual. The possibility of a trip is largely hypothetical, though, at this point. I figured I'd at least put out my feelers with my parents and with Daisy to see if it would be possible. The problem, if any, will be in the timeframes involved -- especially if I end up getting any of the teaching positions I have already or will be applying for in the coming days. We'll have to see what happens.
On that note, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow (read: today) is going to be a busy day of taking care of applications and other things I need to do around the house, and I need to get some good rest before I start on those things.
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