Stopgaps

It's July 30, and I have finally been offered a teaching job for the fall through the department.

Right now it's just one class, on the West campus in Maize -- I've taught there before, last summer, for my ten-week summer sessions. It's a nice building out in the middle of nowhere with a lot of parking and easy access. I accepted it without question. I will be teaching 101 again, apparently, for the first time in over two years. Upon acceptance of that class I may -- may -- also receive 1-2 other classes to teach for the fall as well, which I will find out about soon. Right now, enrollment for the class I've been offered is five students -- but more should be joining as it's a class a lot of the high school students take for dual credit, apparently, through the west campus.

Money is money. A job is a job. At least I'll be doing something I know how to do, and something I like doing, something I've done before.

In the big picture of things, though, this means little -- this is simply a stopgap measure. It's something that will slow my hemorrhaging of money, but will not stop it altogether. I'll be able to live, and survive decently enough (as decently as I've been surviving this summer, I suppose) on the income, though it won't stop my money loss. It will only slow it, like a band-aid over a deep gash. Still, it is much better than nothing.

Daisy, upon hearing the news, was ecstatic, and asked me how I felt. I shrugged.

"Eh. I'm happy to be teaching again, but..."

Really, that's how I feel. My second-to-last-ditch backup plan had to become my real plan (the last-ditch plan, as you may remember, was fast food) and while it guarantees I'll be employed through December, it also locks me down here in Kansas until at least then, slowing any real progress of the wedding or any other Omaha moving plans. As for any of those other positions I've applied for over the course of the past two months, if they're in academia and want to hire me, I'll have to tell them that I can't possibly start until January now. Same goes with new positions I'll find between now and then as well.

I suppose I should be grateful, and I am, but this is a small victory at best. Yes, I'll be teaching. Yes, I'll be using my degree and will once more be broadening young minds. But, in two months, my car registration will come due again. In about four more, my student loan payments will begin coming due. In five more, car insurance. And not to mention the need to pay bills, keep gas in the car again, and get food for myself and the cats during all of this time as well. I'll still have to budget. I'll still have to budget a lot. I'll still have to try to find a way to help fund the wedding, move out of this house, and find something to do after December. This is, simply, a small stopgap.

My mental state, however, is a bit calmer. A bit looser. I've been really angry, frustrated, and depressed for the past several weeks, as you know, and that isn't something that just up and disappears. It has to slowly wear off, slowly dissipate down to normal levels. I do feel a little more relaxed and less hopeless, but still overall unsatisfied. The good part about being kept busy with teaching work is that after a while, said work becomes routine and is taken care of first, leaving little other room in one's mind, or time, to worry about things like depression or hopelessness. I have a feeling this is why people who work almost constantly never become depressed -- they don't have time or the spare mental processes for it. Yes, teaching at times can be miserable, but you don't get enough free time that's not focused on the job to become aware of the misery of it.

I sent an email to the now-former chair (who requested I friend him on LinkedIn as well) to tell him I had been offered that section of classes, at least, with the opportunity for more, and told him that I'd be on campus sometime tomorrow to pick up my diploma and venture through the department if he's around. I'll have to be in the department anyway; I haven't taught 101 in over two years, as I mentioned before, and all of the books and lesson plans for 101 have been updated since then, to the point where only about 30% or less of my old lesson plans I used for the class will be at all applicable. Obviously, I'll have to get new copies of the books from the office as well, and a good chunk of time between now and August 19 will be spent creating new lesson plans and schedules for the semester. But, as I said before, at least I'll be in my element again.

I am trying to be optimistic about the coming semester; nothing is ever set in stone about teaching in the English Department until you see your name on the teaching schedule and you begin teaching, so any of this could fall through at any time. Therefore, I am cautiously optimistic at best. I would imagine I'll get some of my questions answered tomorrow, but that's about all I can hope for right now. 

Daisy is coming down this afternoon; she worked last night, got off work and went to Whole Foods to make me a "Cheer-Up-Brandon" care package, and is now taking a short nap so that she can drive down here.

"Two things," I told her this morning. "One, everywhere is flooded from all the rains. You need to check all of the maps for road closures and the like before you drive. I know the interstate exit at North Newton was closed because of flooding, because I read that this morning. They've been closing down a lot of roads and interstates."

"I will, babe," she replied. "Don't worry."

"Two," I said, "you can't be doing any of this 'I'll get there in the middle of the night' shit. I've been going to bed early and getting up early. If you don't get here until midnight, my ass will be asleep. You actually have to leave and get here when you say you're going to leave and get here."

Not to mention that I can't be up late tonight anyway if I'm going to be on campus for a good chunk of the day tomorrow. I won't get up in the morning to go otherwise.

"I'll leave around 2 or 3 and I'll get there at 7 or 8," she said.

"I'm holding you to that," I replied. "I'm serious."

I will, slowly if I have to, eventually break Daisy of that Daisy Standard Time, I'll-get-there-when-I-get-there shit. Very, very few things drive me up the wall more than someone who operates on their own schedule when that's not an option. She's told me before that she doesn't follow the "American standard definition of time." I am an incredibly punctual person -- if I say I'm going to be somewhere or do something at a certain time, I'm there an hour early or it's done by the time I'm supposed to be starting on it. People with no concept of time or no regard for the time of others absolutely infuriate me -- it's one of my biggest pet peeves. Daisy knows this and she's been working on it...with me, at least. Little by little.

Other than tomorrow's trip to campus, we really have no plans for her visit. There aren't any movies playing that I'm particularly interested in aside from The Wolverine, which I've read both good and horrible reviews for, and neither of us have any money to go pleasure shopping or do anything like that. My house is a wreck and I have no real time or energy to clean it before she arrives, and my allergies this morning are killing me anyway. The storms over the past two days have really wrecked my sinuses, lungs, eyes, etc. They've moved off now, and it's just cloudy now, but I'm still not exactly feeling better physically. When my allergies attack, I lose almost all physical energy and become a lump.

Nothing else is going on, really, which is basically the same status quo as I've been dealing with for the rest of the summer beforehand. I will have to go grocery shopping with Daisy while she's here at some point (either tonight or tomorrow) because we need stuff she can eat and I need other supplies and the like, such as cat food, but for now, I suppose I can allow myself to relax in a little relative peace.