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The End of Finals Week

Well, here we are, aren't we?

I have sort of been "resting" since Monday night. I started another post here a few days ago but abandoned it, as I've not really been in the "let's write about me" kind of mood. When I'm no longer occupied by classes and classwork, writing about myself tends to get a little too introspective, and at times a little too depressing.

I may finish and post the other entry, but I don't know. I still have it saved here in my drafts, though it's a little grim.

You may be wondering what I have to be grim about -- the semester is over, all of my students' grades have been calculated, uploaded, and submitted, and I'm done until January 21. Over a month off, free and clear. I turn 31 a week from today, and five days after that, it's Christmas.

I'm just, I don't know, in a funk, I suppose.

I've not heard anything back from the loans people about my forbearance; they have officially had and have been working on my paperwork for ten days now, and the due date for my first loan payment came and went on Wednesday, unpaid. I guess if they haven't yet processed said paperwork -- and, of course, I don't know or understand why it's taking so long -- my student loans are now officially delinquent.  I checked my online account there on Tuesday night and there still had been no updates; I'm not checking it now because if there still haven't been any updates to it, it will only serve to completely piss me off even more. They will notify me via mail, not email or by phone, whether or not my forbearance has been approved. Again, apparently it's a completely archaic system.

Regardless, even if it's not approved, it's not like I can start paying anything now anyhow.

I learned earlier this week that the first paycheck for spring semester will come in on January 31. I get my last paycheck of this semester a week from today, on my birthday. This means I will go six entire weeks without pay. In doing rough calculations and estimations, all figures basically come out to say the same thing -- that I don't, and won't, have enough money to last six weeks without pay between semesters. My bills don't just stop because my job goes on hiatus for a month and a half. Worse yet, I don't know how much those paychecks are going to be once they start up in the spring -- that depends on how many classes I end up teaching for the spring semester. I am currently at one officially, the 102 class I was told I'll be teaching on West campus. I'm already in the system for that and have access to my roster (the apparent administrative screw-up with some guy named "Kevin" has been fixed), and I've been told I'll get a few more, but until I have access to them, nothing is set in stone.

In short, it's a scary time for me right now. It's temporary, yes, but in the meantime I basically have to be a hermit from now until Christmas in Omaha, and from after that until I go back to teach in January. I can't spend any more money than absolutely necessary for survival, and any money I happen to come across for my birthday or for Christmas must immediately go towards bills and rent to ensure my continued ability to keep the lights on and the furnace running.

I'd really prefer not to dwell on it; I have enough things to stress me out on a daily basis that I don't need this, too. It's only the 13th; over the course of the next two weeks I will basically have to wipe out what I have in my bank account now just to keep the bills paid for another month, and that makes me sick to my stomach as it is. I can't do anything about it; worrying or hand-wringing does nothing. Writing about it here does nothing but make me dwell on it more and become even more nervous and twitchy over it. Again, it's not like I have a savings account of any sort, or any sort of safety net. What I have is what I have. You can't get blood from a stone. And as nothing can be done one way or the other, I'm not going to make myself sick over it.

Daisy has told me that if necessary, she can help me out in January if I need a bit of a bailout when it comes to paying the bills, and I appreciate that, because I might need it. I told her to hold off on it now, though; if I can make it on my own, I will. It may take some time to pay off my credit cards and the like over the course of the next few months if I have to survive on them, but I thanked her and told her that her offer was indeed appreciated and may be necessary. Since she tends to think ahead and can calculate her own finances in a bit more of a stable fashion than I can calculate my own, she's already budgeted for it if I do need her assistance. If I don't, even better, but if I do, it's already been arranged.

What I do know is that I can't live like this forever. I didn't want to be an adjunct lecturer, of course, at all -- let alone for a full year after graduation. I wanted to apply and be hired on somewhere stable, somewhere I could make enough money to support myself, Daisy, the cats, and our future family once we marry. I wanted to be able to begin socking away money hand over fist, and have more than enough to begin paying back those student loans when necessary. Obviously, that didn't happen, and here I am. I don't feel sorry for myself, not in the least -- I love teaching; I love my job even with all the stresses it creates, and I take genuine pride in what I do -- but right now it's far from an ideal financial situation, especially only a few months before our wedding.

On Wednesday, I began addressing and sending out Christmas cards to friends and family; inside each one (with the obvious exceptions of the cards to my parents, Daisy's parents, and my grandmother) is a "Save the Date" announcement, printed on the same fine cotton ivory paper I printed my graduation announcements on about seven months ago. I made two different ones; one has a "formal invitation to follow" at the bottom, and the other does not. Most people I send cards to won't be formally invited to the wedding, because I know they'd never be able to make it anyhow or would have no real interest in coming anyway. Some others will receive a formal invitation regardless of the fact they won't come, because I feel that it is necessary. It's sort of arbitrary. My first batch of about twelve or so cards went out yesterday; a second batch of six will go out today. A third batch of the remaining five or so will go out in the coming week, once I (once more) get more stamps. I really wouldn't send out Christmas cards at all this year if I didn't have the need to send out those "Save the Date" sheets, effectively killing two birds with one stone. Plus, well, who doesn't like getting Christmas cards, right?

I receive relatively few cards every year now. I think last year I got about five. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to send me a card just because I sent them one, you know. I'm not special or unique, or any more deserving of a card just because I exist and sent one first. There are people who send me cards every year -- my parents, my godparents, my grandmother, etc. Other folks I'll get a card from once every two or three years at best. It's weird. For a long time, I would get cards from friends I had back in high school who I hadn't even seen for ten years or more. Some friends I was really close to for years who have since almost disappeared completely. I guess that happens with everyone as people get older, though. People grow apart, fall out of contact, stop caring about one another, etc. For example, of my friends in the department who have graduated within the past year or two, Rae is the only one I talk to almost every day, and that's because she's like a sister to me.

Last night, I also started work on a new book.

No, I'm not kidding.

I started writing it around 8PM, and by around 3AM I was 8500 words in (about 40 pages) and decided to stop for the night. I've not written any more yet, but if I can keep up that pace I will have the first draft of the manuscript finished within a few weeks. As 40 pages is about halfway through the second chapter (out of about ten planned chapters total), I'm guessing that it'll be 350-400 pages when it's all done. I've also eliminated almost all formatting issues with it so that when it is finished, there should be no problem getting the manuscript to convert to the Kindle ebook format, which was a huge problem with my first book (and something that I still have to revise and fix). For now I just want to get it all on the page so that I can go back through it and edit/revise it later.

For those of you who are wondering, it's nonfiction/advice/self-help.

Anyway, here's hoping that I don't lose my focus and can actually finish something that I start here. Aside from that, I'll say no more about it. Only two people (Daisy and April) know what it is or what it's about; I'm not sure either of them are jumping for joy at the premise, but eh. I can only do what I can do. It keeps me occupied, at least. Staying occupied gives me goals, gives me something to work towards. It takes my mind off of all of my pressing problems and monetary issues.

As for the rest of this week, it has been devoted primarily to rest -- as I mentioned above. I've been trying to sleep as much as I can to make up for the lost sleep from the semester. It's not been as cold as it was last week, though it is December, after all. I've slept on average about nine or ten hours per night. Every night, when I've gone to bed, all three cats pile on top of me, around me, or under the blankets with me (depending on the cat). Despite the amount of stress I'm under in the back of my mind, I have been sleeping well. Usually when I'm burnt-out and stressed-out, I either can't sleep, have nightmares, or both. I think perhaps my body and brain both realize that sleep is the only escape I have from my stressors.

I mentioned before that my students' grades have been calculated, submitted, and uploaded to the school's online system -- some of them for over a week now -- yet they have not yet been "rolled" (meaning, they've been saved in the system, but haven't officially been written to academic record for said students). I sent the director an email about this, since I noticed it a few days ago, and he said he didn't know what was going on but he would keep me informed if he heard anything or was able to figure anything out. I checked again tonight and they've still not yet been "rolled," though I did get a system-wide email today that said the servers were going down for maintenance this morning and that all changes made would be reflected on Saturday during end-of-day processes, so I'm guessing that means they've noticed a problem and are working to rectify it -- I've never gotten any sort of system-wide email like that about it before since I've been teaching at the university. Final grades must be posted by the night of the 17th. Well, mine are in there -- I've done everything I need to do. Now I just wait to see if their systems work correctly.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention this -- as you've probably realized, today is Friday the 13th. Generally, most Friday the 13ths have been lucky for me instead of unlucky, as the superstition goes. That's good; I could really use some luck right now. Good luck. And lots of it. I grow weary of life and the fates continually shitting on me on a day-in, day-out basis.

My plans for the next week or so are relatively simple: send out the rest of my Christmas cards, go shopping probably once before Christmas for essentials only, wrap up Daisy's Christmas presents, and finish the first three seasons of Breaking Bad. Oh, and work more on the book. Other than that it's just sleep and staying warm. Whatever bills come in between now and then I'll have to pay, and anything else that pops up I'll have to deal with.