Christmastimes, Part I

 Good day, all.

As I write this, it is the beginning of December. 

Thanksgiving is behind us. 

We've already had Daisy's work Christmas party (last weekend). 

All of the custom, fancy photo Christmas cards I make every year (60 in total, at the cost of $135 this year -- plus stamps) have been ordered, addressed, stamped, sealed, and mailed. People have already started getting them.

All of the Christmas presents for each other, the family, and the numerous friends/work colleagues I or we get gifts for have been purchased and are ready to go. In some/most cases, they've already been shipped via whatever companies we've gotten them from, whether that be Amazon or other places. The ones that have already shipped have in some cases already arrived, and the remainder will arrive between now and December 23. 

I turn 40 years old in ten days. Christmas is two weeks away. 

Daisy and I generally do a lot around the holidays. Not so much present-wise anymore; we've gotten to the point where we're older now and we don't feel the need to give each other crazy, lavish gifts or piles of presents. I spent a little over $100 this year on Daisy on small, useful things and food (the food part isn't a secret, it's what she always asks for -- treats, foods, etc). I told Daisy she doesn't have to get me anything, because there's nothing I really want or need. I mean this more this year than perhaps any other year, but because that sentiment seemed to frustrate her a bit (especially because I told her -- many times -- how much I myself hate getting food/treats for gifts and forbade her from getting me anything like that this year and all years moving forward), I showed her a hat that I like that I'd never get for myself, and told her a specific type of glow-in-the-dark rock I wanted a set of and the size I wanted them in (also something I'd never get for myself).

No, when I say we generally do a lot around the holidays, I mean acts of service to friends and family. Mostly family. We show up for the holidays. Daisy usually does a lot of cooking and baking. I create and send all of the cards, some of them to people I really don't even know, because we want them to know we're thinking of them. If any of Daisy's family (her sisters and their husbands/kids) are in town over any of the holidays, we spend a lot of time with them and try to take them on adventures or plan activities with them -- weather and time permitting, of course. This sometimes works out better than others, to be sure. For example, this Thanksgiving, the Canadians were in town as they were halfway through a move from Alberta back to the states, to Pennsylvania. We got to spend the day before Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Day with them, and then they were gone again. It's the first time we've all been together in a year and a half, and at least five or six years since we were all in the parents' home in Omaha together -- and it was for a very short window of time.

This Christmas, they will be in Pennsylvania (they're there now) and the Denverites are spending their Christmas with the in-laws' family, so it will be just the four of us here in town -- me, Daisy, and her parents. Since it's just the four of us, Daisy expressed the desire to finally have tacos for Christmas dinner, so I guess that's what we'll likely be doing. It's a lot less work and cleanup than any other type of "big dinner" and this is good, because Dad and I have been tasked with it. Which, for the record, I'm 100% fine with.

I'm out of office for a week over the Christmas holiday anyway. My PTO starts on the morning of my birthday, the 20th, and ends when I return to work the night of the 27th.

"What do you want to do for your birthday this year?" Daisy asked me.

It's a question that I sort of dread being asked every year, but this year it's worse because it's my 40th. The 40th birthday is supposed to be a milestone birthday, I guess. I don't feel like it is. I just feel older and creakier and more tired. 

Now, my real answer to Daisy's question is sleep and be left alone, but I can't give that answer. There are social expectations that must be fulfilled on one's birthday, and she took the afternoon off so she could come home and spend the day/night with me. I work the night beforehand until 7am of the morning of my birthday (I didn't have a choice; I do not have the extra PTO to put in to take the night beforehand off, and I have to wait another week and a half to submit the last of my PTO for the 26th too). The greatest "birthday gift" I could be given would be some downtime leading into the holidays, which is good because that's what I'm going to get between my birthday Christmas, until the 27th. 

"I just want a quiet birthday," I told Daisy. "You don't have to get me anything. I just want to get my next tattoo and I want to see the parents and/or have dinner with them."

This conversation came up last weekend too, once all the family had left town, and it was settled that we'd have a birthday dinner of poutine (my choice) with the parents on my actual birthday. Because of the timeframes I don't know when I'll be able to get my tattoo, but it likely won't be on my actual birthday this year -- no time, really, especially not when I have to work the night beforehand. Daisy took the 21st off too, so that'll likely be the day. 

It would also help if I knew for certain what I wanted to get. Because this time around, I really don't. 

I am not an indecisive person. I am just...tired. I am so tired. I haven't had the time and mental breathing space to just sit down and look through options to see what I'm interested in. 

But, with everything taken care of regarding the holidays' gifts and plans, all of the month's bills already paid, and no real stresses to worry about on the docket coming up anytime soon (that I know of, anyhow), I have been feeling really nostalgic and have been wanting to actually have a real Christmas season, like the Christmas seasons I had while I was growing up. This want has grown even stronger now that we're coming out of an almost three-year pandemic (well, depending on who you ask, anyway). 

When I was a kid, and even into my early 20s, every year for my birthday my parents would take me to Pittsburgh. We'd have dinner at the Olive Garden (which was fancy, for us) and then would spend the evening shopping at the Century III Mall -- where I would get my Christmas gifts for everyone. This was a strong tradition that we really only missed once or twice for well over a decade (the times we missed it were very likely due to bad weather, though I really can't recall now that I'm much older). The tradition sort of stopped once I entered college, due to mutual lack of interest as well as the mall basically becoming a shell of itself with nothing in it as the years went on -- it would eventually lose 60-70% of its stores even before I left town, and would close in the late teens, though I was long gone from the area before then; its decline was apparent well before I moved to the midwest.

In the early to mid 90s though, that mall was the place to be at Christmastime. And I loved it. I loved every bit of it, I loved everything about the Christmas shopping season, loved spending my birthdays eating "fancy" meals and shopping in a mall, where I was always able to find something for myself and for the family. I have vivid memories of purchasing NOFX and Ghost in the Shell t-shirts from Hot Topic in the 90s -- when it was still the real Hot Topic, and shadowing my brother as he searched for the newest PlayStation games. 

I obviously don't have those traditions anymore, but part of the mall trip was hitting up Burlington Coat Factory and Best Buy too -- back before Burlington dropped the "Coat Factory" from its name and back when physical media was still king and Best Buy actually had a reason to exist. Daisy and I did go to Burlington last weekend and we found a large amount of things, and while we do have a few Best Buy stores here in Omaha, I will only enter them if absolutely necessary -- there's nothing there I can't get off Amazon for far cheaper most of the time, sad to say. It's time for Best Buy to go away, honestly.

The other holiday shopping tradition I had was a trip to Big Lots. I don't know if Big Lots stores exist in all areas, but they're like a discount department store chain. Think of Dollar General or Family Dollar, but way upscaled and packed to the brim with overstock stuff from around the country, including furniture, bedding, cookware, food, movies/CDs, etc. That's Big Lots in a nutshell. And the one here in Omaha (I'm sure there's a few, but there's one right down the street from my house) is great. Daisy and I were last there right before the pandemic and I don't think we've visited since. I asked her mid-week if she wanted to hit up Big Lots this weekend, and her answer was a pretty stern no.

I just want the holidays to feel like the holidays again. The pandemic wrecked that for me and got me out of my normal patterns, and I don't know if I can enjoy them the same way again. The fact that I'm turning 40 makes me want to try to get what little enjoyment I can out of the season while I still have the heart for it. I'm already bitter and jaded enough; as I grow older I'm likely going to resent the holidays more and more. I just want to recapture a bit of that happiness again, that sense of wonder and excitement I used to have for my birthday and Christmas before I had bills, a mortgage, and a soul-sucking job. It feels like I'm seeing that magic blow away like dust in the wind just a little bit more every year.