Resolutions, Just Resoluting All Over the Place

 I have, over the course of the past several days -- in between taking care of a new kitten, and working/sleeping disjointed hours -- begun making a checklist in my head of what I would roughly call New Year's Resolutions. 

I don't always do this; some years I don't have a set list or even really think about it. But, for the sake of some goals and some mental clarity, this year I'm going to write some down here for posterity. It's not world-ending for me if I don't reach these goals, and I don't think any of them are life-changing outside of the positive outcomes for both myself and Daisy if they come to pass, but I feel that they're worth writing down at the very least. So, let's get started.

1. Continue to work to get to my second goal weight (which is 275).

I reached my first goal weight before we visited my parents this past year; that goal weight was to be under 300 pounds. I was 299. I've remained around that ever since; I dropped to 296 a few weeks ago, and am currently at 298. If I continue the trend I started way back in 2018, by the end of this year I hope to say I'm 275 or under, and at that point will have lost more than 100 pounds from my starting weight in 2018, which was the fattest I've ever been at 376. I also set this goal on myself knowing that it will likely be one of the hardest to accomplish. Getting below 300 was hard and took forever. Getting down to 275 or lower will take much harder discipline and focus, more than likely. My third goal weight, after 275, will be 250 -- something that I haven't weighed since, oh, early high school? Something like that. I'll remind you all that I'm 43 years old now. 

2. Unfuck this house.

This one encompasses a lot of things and will likely be just as difficult to accomplish, if not more difficult than the weight loss. We moved into this house in 2018, and ever since we've been slowly filling it with stuff. Most of this stuff we don't even need, it's just things we've acquired over the years and a lot of it is junk and trash or was once useful to us, but is no longer. So, my goal is to systematically go from room to room, section to section, and gut as much of it as possible. This doesn't mean throwing everything away, but it does mean organizing, rearranging, cleaning, and paring down a lot of possessions. The garage needs completely cleaned out, swept out, and the vast majority of excess shit in it just needs to be trashed. Daisy's office needs to be completely gutted, reorganized, and deep cleaned so that the cats can go in there and have more space/territory. Our bedroom closet needs to be gutted, reorganized, and anything we don't need needs to be donated. The kitchen and dining room need to be cleaned out and reorganized. The living room needs a new cat tree, a deep cleaning of the carpets and couch, and the TV stand and plant stand need to be reorganized. The downstairs of the house needs new paint, and we have been agonizing for months -- if not years at this point -- the color(s) to do it in. I don't know how much of this we'll get to this year; we are notoriously slow on goals like this, but both of us are going to be putting in the best effort possible given our time and energy levels.

3. Get a new tattoo, possibly honoring Pete and/or the girls.

This one is pure want and not necessity, of course, but I'd like to get my next tattoo this year. I don't know what it will be, where, or how large, but I am leaning towards it being a black cat tattoo or a simple line art tattoo of three cats to honor the ones who have passed in the past two years. I haven't researched designs, I haven't even thought about it more deeply than this, but it's been there at the back of my mind since around my birthday or so. 

4. Pare down my wardrobe yet again and only keep what I really need.

I have slacks I haven't worn in close to a decade, jackets and hoodies that rarely grace my body, coats and button-up shirts that should have been donated years ago, and far far too many t-shirts that I thought were cool at the time but now never get worn more than once or twice a year. With me continually, slowly losing weight, it's time to do a purge and eliminate a lot of stuff that I didn't necessarily want to get rid of in years past, but now will be fine with saying goodbye to. This is always really hard for me, as a lot of my wardrobe, even the ordinary stuff, has some sort of sentimental value to me. A lot of it doesn't, but much of it does. My overall goal here is to get rid of about half of what's currently in my closet and only replace it piecemeal with things that I actually want to wear and will wear in the future. We shall see how this goes, as this is likely not a one or two day process, but a year-long process in the making.

5. Visit my parents in the spring.

I want to visit my parents in the spring because it won't be hot yet in North Carolina and it will be outside of the tourist and hurricane seasons. I want to see my parents in their natural habitat, so to speak -- without dying of heatstroke during the visit or having the oppressive heat and humidity sap all of my energy from me. I'd like to be able to sit on the porch with my dad, to enjoy the beach without worrying about being flash-fried by sunburn or hurricanes churning the water quality to "so toxic you shouldn't touch it or go into the ocean," and I'd like to be able to have some quality quiet time with my mother and the dogs. My parents won't be around forever, and while I've had some differences with them in the past (mainly my mother) I am grateful that they are still around and want to cherish them while I still can.

6. Visit Nova Scotia in the summer.
Every year I look forward to our trips to Canada, as you know. Summer is the best time to visit, as it's generally not as hot as it is here in Omaha and the family generally has more wiggle room and time to come into town and catch up with us. I have always wanted to be there for Canada Day (July 1) but have never been able to make that happen -- when we've been there before we've always missed it, sometimes by a scant few days. I miss our family up there and given that we're all getting older, plus the political climate in the states, I feel a stronger connection to them all now more than ever. However, our Canada trips are expensive and time-consuming; being able to stay with Daisy's grandmother makes it a lot cheaper and cuts down on laundry and packing, but it's still not inexpensive to make these trips.

7. Visit Chicago for a long weekend in the fall.

It has been almost three years since we have been to Chicago, and I miss it greatly. I miss the food, I miss the sights and sounds of the city, and I miss the adventures we can go on while we're there. Both of us have lamented in recent months about how much we miss Chicago, and I don't just want to go there without reason -- there needs to be a catalyst, an event we want to go to and/or see, to give us the most motivation to plot a trip. When that happens, we'll likely make the plans. Chicago is generally the cheapest trip of the three here I've mentioned, but it is by no means inexpensive when we go. I'm okay if we don't make it to Chicago this year, but man would I like to.

8. Find and purchase a new vehicle.

This is a big one, and likely the least feasible item on this list. I want us to get a new vehicle. I want us to retire Daisy's old car that will only become more of a money pit as time goes on, and I want us to be in a sturdy, reliable, goes-well-in-the-snow SUV, sedan, or crossover that is big enough for both of us and what we do, is fun and comfortable to drive for both of us, and still fits in the garage. I specifically do not want it to be fancy -- I adored the Ford Bronco Sport that we had as a rental in Nova Scotia this past fall because it was utilitarian, comfortable, and spartan in design, yet had many features we loved. I have loved other vehicles we've gotten as rentals as well, things like the Chevy Malibus we've had on a few trips now. I don't want the latest and greatest of technology or bells and whistles -- I want stone cold point-A-to-point-B reliability and simplicity, and I want it to last 20 years. Give me decent gas mileage and easy-to-figure-out controls and drivability any day of the week. And yes, I know you may be asking "didn't you love the Pacifica minivan you two had on two different trips?" Yes, I did, we both did -- however, Pacificas are one of the most unreliable vehicles in America, we don't need something of that size for everyday use, they're not high enough off the ground to be good in snow, and they are incredibly expensive if you want anything outside of the barebones base model, which we don't -- were I to get a Pacifica I would want the hybrid and/or the all-wheel drive version, and yeah...those start around $50k. Start. I'm not in the market to spend that much money on a vehicle, and if I were I'd already own the Trans Am of my dreams. 

9. Return to the gym on a regular basis.

Yes, almost everyone will put this on their resolution list every year. But, Daisy starts a new working schedule on Sunday that will more closely match mine, and suddenly all three days I'm off every week will match hers. Therefore we will have the time together when neither of us is exhausted and have a little breathing space...so the plan is to return to the gym at least once or twice a week to begin rebuilding our athletic stamina again. It's only going to get harder as we get older...so, may as well get cracking now. 

10. Keep all the cats on Frontline year-round and never, ever lapse on it.

Of all the items on this list, this will likely be the easiest. I never want to see another living flea again.

11. Prepare the Christmas cards well before October/November.

This one should be fairly easy as well, as long as no unforeseen complications arise. Last year (feels weird saying that now, but it is what it is) I waited until after we got home from Canada, then Pete got really sick and it got delayed further, and then I finally made them and he died before, oh, probably half of the recipients got them.

12. Pay down debt.
Simple enough of a resolution -- it essentially boils down to bringing in more money than we have going out, because doing so lets us pay down more debt. Part of this is also budgeting and narrowing down our purchases of items and services to only what we really need.

13. Fix or otherwise successfully treat Gary's digestive issues.

Gary, as you may know, tends to alternate between being a poopy boy or a constipated one. Our vet says he very likely has some food allergies or some environmental allergies. We can't do a lot about the environmental, but we can change up the foods and try to narrow it down via process of elimination to find something that works for his gut health. We've been so frustrated by this because we just want him to be comfortable and happy, and sometimes that's harder than others.

And...

14. Finally, survive all of the horseshit happening right now.

Look -- our country is fucked. We know it's fucked. I cannot personally change that, nor can I change that half of the country thinks it's the greatest it's ever been and that the government and our president can do no wrong. 

My final resolution is that we survive it.

Anyone who thinks that we're not already under a dictatorship in the United States is simply wrong and grossly misled. It's not quite as bad as it could be, but it's slowly moving more towards full totalitarianism every day -- worse than ever before. I would say that I don't know how people can see this happening and do nothing -- and in some cases fully support it -- but I'd be lying, as I have seen over the past decade just how fucking stupid a lot of my fellow Americans are, and I am continually, daily, becoming more and more frustrated and disappointed with the populace. When you have intelligence, compassion, and empathy, the events going on around you are that much more biting and you become that much more disillusioned.

So yes, the resolution is to survive. By any means necessary. 

If that means sell the house and move to Canada, then that's what it means.

If that means flee the country, crate the cats and take our documents and prized possessions, and then flee to Canada, then that's what it means.

I told Daisy I am open to either option if it gets to be that time. I have a feeling if it gets to be that time, we will absolutely know it is that time -- as will about ten million other Americans.

I am very upset and have been for a very long time. Living in a very red state doesn't help. I'm now in my mid-40s, old and gray and low-energy (but high-stress, so figure that out); it's very clear my best days of health and vitality are behind me...and they were never that great to begin with. While I am very smart, I have limited skills outside of a few very specialized fields and the skills taught to me by two liberal arts degrees. At the same time, I am nearing a mental breakdown because of my job, which I've now done for almost twelve years -- I do not want to work anymore. It's not that I want another job, it's that I do not want to work anymore. The fact that I have to is the problem, not the job itself. 

My mental health is therefore degrading horribly, and I can almost track it by the day.

But then again, isn't everyone's? I personally don't know how much longer I can wake up every day to things being worse than they were the day prior before I legit just snap and lose whatever fragile hold I have left on sanity. 

For those of you outside the United States -- I know what you see on the news is bad. Believe me, it's way worse for the people who do not support our president than it appears. We are essentially trapped here, being held hostage by a lunatic dictator we don't want, but the other half of the country did. And no, this isn't just political rhetoric, this is no longer hyperbole -- we are trapped, we are struggling, we are finding it difficult to feed ourselves, pay bills, and find housing and healthcare. I used to be so proud to be an American. I used to have a great jingoistic patriotism for our country -- the land of the free, the home of the brave. It is no longer either of those things. I now feel a deep, great shame and disgust in being an American. So, please, those of you outside of the US, please do not take out your vitriol on those of us who hate what's happening -- and there are many, many of us who hate what is happening. We are sad and we are drowning. We want to change things but keep getting stomped down by proverbial jackboots at every turn. When we finally start coming to your countries, we are refugees -- we want to live in a better world, and -- especially when it comes to Canada, we want to be Canadians. 

And it's coming. Please don't be upset by that and please don't turn us away. It's coming. Maybe Daisy and I won't be able to personally go when it's time -- we may remain trapped here due to circumstances outside our control -- but make no mistake, millions of others won't be. I used to think that it was an if. Now I am older and wiser and know that it's a when. Could be six days from now, could be six months from now, but it is a when.

My boss at work, who I have known and known very well for over a decade, thinks that anyone who flees shouldn't be allowed back when the crisis ends and everything is getting "fixed" -- he thinks that everyone should stay here and fight from within, and if you leave, you give up your American privileges.

I think this is, sadly, a very American viewpoint and part of what is problematic with society. Get the fuck out and don't come back goes against everything America is supposed to be. America is supposed to be the land of opportunity -- it is not that anymore, but even those of us who would leave would likely, eventually, want it to be that again, and would eventually want to return to help rebuild it if possible. 

I am unsure of my own mindset on the matter. I don't know if I'd ever want to come back were we to leave, and if we ever did return, I'm not sure I'd want to stay. 

These are the sorts of thoughts that can keep you awake in the night, and I know because we (meaning, both myself as well as Daisy) have been having them for some time. 

I don't know what the future holds. I know we own our house, we both have steady jobs, and we have six cats. I know we're both constantly overwhelmed all the time. I know my mental health is rapidly deteriorating. I know that, eventually, there is an endgame to all of this, good or bad. I don't know that I want to see it. I just want to survive.

So there you have it, I guess -- there's my resolutions.