Fall semester: day thirty-three
I don't know how I slept last night. Thoughts of my sister and her untimely death had been running through my head all day, to the point where I did basically everything I could to keep my mind off the subject. I did not, and have not, been succeeding that well.
My cousin messaged me last night to let me know that her viewing is on Thursday, and on Friday morning she'll be buried.
"Wow, they set that up really fast," I said.
"Yeah," my cousin replied. "Our small community really pulls it together
when things like this happen. That's one good thing about this area. The
people really do care."
Her parents (my father and stepmother) and my surviving sisters have been noticeably absent and quiet on the whole affair, understandably so. Of the four of them, the only one I'm friends with on Facebook is my oldest sister, and while prayers and condolences have been pouring in on her wall and timeline, she has been silent. Even most of my cousins I'm friends with on there have been silent as well; my aunt is the only person on my father's side of the family who has said anything about my sister's death over social media, and she posted a picture of her with a simple "R.I.P." message.
Having the viewing and funeral so soon means that even if I would have been able to make the trip back home, I wouldn't make it there in time anyway. I guess it's not incredibly fast, though; died on a Monday night, buried on a Friday morning.
I had a lot more people reach out to me in the afternoon and evening hours, people who found out who I was, who know me through another family member or in some other ancillary fashion, and have been flooded with condolences and prayers myself. I want to tell them that though she was my sister, it's not like I got to know her. I want to tell them to focus on her parents and her surviving sisters since I'm so far removed from the situation. I don't have it in my heart to do it.
Daisy arrived around 10PM or so; she got a late start headed out. She knows everything that's going on; I've kept her updated on what I know. We put all of her stuff away, including the groceries she brought down for our anniversary dinner(s), and went to bed very shortly thereafter as I had to get up this morning at 5AM.
I've had several friends now tell me that I should cancel my classes, tell me that I should just stay home and process things, and to get time with Daisy while I can. There's nothing to process, really -- people die. I can't do anything about that. As I said before, me staying home and spending the day in mourning isn't going to help anything, and it's just going to turn my classes next week into a mess as I'd basically have to re-do my lesson plans for the entire unit. My 011 class is starting work on their second papers, and I'll collect revisions of their first one today. While I could, conceivably, tell them to just read the chapter I'm going to cover in today's class, give them their next reading assignment and journal assignment, and go back to bed...yeah, no. There's no point to it. Physically and mentally, I am fine. I'm not going to cancel my classes because a sister 1,000 miles away who I've never met is now no longer alive. That would also make the latter half of the semester much more difficult if there's a true emergency or issue that pops up (such as my car blowing a major part or a freak snowstorm) that I would need to cancel class for then. I told my 101 students yesterday that unless it is unavoidable or too dangerous to come to class -- such as in the aforementioned "freak snowstorm" scenario -- I don't cancel class. And, if I have to, I try my damnedest to let my students know at least twelve hours in advance. I've canceled class less then five times over the past four years, and three of those times have been weather-related. The other two? Car in the shop.
Daisy feels great sympathy and empathy with me; she knows I'm upset. She also knows that there's not much she can do about it, and understands that. I'm perfectly fine to teach and go about my daily life, but she also knows that under the surface and under the fake-smile-mask I'll have to slap on while I'm doing my job, I'm barely holding it together. I feel better this morning than I did last night, though. I'm hoping that as the days go by, as my sister is buried and everyone else slowly moves on with their lives, I'll start feeling a little less grief day after day myself.
I mean, I'm guessing they're burying her, anyway. My cousin only told me of the date, time, and location of the funeral. I don't know anything other than that. I don't think anyone in my family has ever been cremated, though. I don't know.
I've told a few people in the department, mainly close friends (like Parker) what happened, but no one else. I don't want to elicit sympathy from people, and I certainly don't want anyone wasting time and effort to have the entire department sign a card for me or anything like that. I'm going to go about my days and weeks as per the usual because I have to, and don't really want the news to get out because, again, I don't really want anyone's pity. I love my friends and coworkers -- they're like a second family to me -- but again, since I'm so far removed from the situation, it's not like they should make a big deal out of relatively minor tragedies in my life. I'll tell people eventually, of course. A few weeks or months down the line, if necessary. But I don't want any undue focus on me.
Parker said he'd come in earlier than usual this morning to that we could talk, hang out, and decompress. He's having a rough semester too, what with the fact that he's spending eight or more hours a day poring over texts and criticism while he studies for comps, which he'll take shortly before Thanksgiving. I told him that he's golden already -- I mean, he's Parker, for fuck's sake, one of the most intelligent people I've ever met -- but he wants to be sure he's extra-prepared for everything, and I don't blame him. As you'll recall, I was the same way. I drove myself nuts in the final stretch trying to study, cover, and memorize everything I could for my own comps.
My class today, at least, will be short -- as mentioned above, I'm just covering a short chapter in the book, collecting paper rewrites (which I'll grade over the weekend once Daisy leaves) and giving them their next reading assignment. Daisy will more than likely sleep through my entire day of being on campus, as she did the last time she was here on a Wednesday. I should be done and home around noon or so, give or take fifteen minutes. If she doesn't, she knows where the vegan waffles are, knows the cats are fine, etc.
After I get home, I don't know what our plans will be. We're going out shopping, more than likely, just to get the little things we'd need for our anniversary dinner(s), and we are making a trip to the liquor store at some point because I'm out of beer. And after the past day or two, shit do I need a drink.
