Proverbials

Spring semester: day thirty-nine
My Spring Break: day one


Daisy has begun looking for houses for us to rent or purchase in Omaha. The reasoning here is that it looks -- more and more by the day, in fact -- like I will not be returning to the university here in the fall as an instructor or professor in any capacity, as I have not heard anything yet from any of the higher-ups in charge of what my status is/will be. Now, obviously, I could hear something today, tomorrow, over the break, or after I get back from break, but now is the time for some hard decisions to be made given the current situation. I can't just wait on pins and needles with my fingers crossed if nothing's going to come of it anyway -- and if any of those mysterious, shadowy plans that I can't talk about yet within the university fall through (as they are wont to do most of the time) I will have basically wasted all of this time I've been "waiting" to hear something about the fall when I could have been applying for new jobs or teaching positions in the Omaha area.

At this point it would take at least a $40k-a-year position to keep me here in Kansas. No, that's not an incredibly lucrative, incredibly high-paying position -- but it's leaps and bounds above what I make now, and is more than what Daisy makes now at her current job. I've never made even half that per year before in any of the numerous different jobs and positions I've held in the past, even the most high-paying ones. Yeah. If you think an academic lecturer like me, the lowest rank on the professor totem pole, is clearing even $20k a year? You're dreaming. It's not even close to that. There's a reason I have to budget tightly, drive an eighteen-year-old car, and worry about paying my electric bill every month, folks -- and it's not because I have extravagant tastes or "live beyond my means." It's because, at least in Kansas, choosing a career of doing what I do well and love to do (read: following my dream of being a university professor) pays fucking terribly. I love working in academia, but unless you've got a trust fund or you're otherwise independently wealthy, here is not the place to do it.

And, before my parents or friends back home chime in and tell me that I could probably make more doing the same thing back in West Virginia -- no, I can't. I've checked. WVU pays lecturers much less than I get paid here. What I get paid is about the "median rate," so to speak -- many schools pay more; 2x or 3x what I'm making right now tends to be the higher ends of the average, yes. Many schools also pay about half or less of what I'm making. WVU is in the latter category.

I've developed and re-developed curriculum for my classes from a base, skeleton-like lesson plan for each of them. I've designed and re-designed my classes almost from scratch in some cases, most notably for the Engineering English classes I taught for two years, and to a lesser extent the 210 Business Writing class I'm teaching right now. I could take those lesson plans anywhere and teach those classes with only slight modifications necessary to their syllabi and timeframes. I detail this in my vita, letting nothing fall to chance or speculation when I describe what the classes consist of, and am -- even now -- fully capable of producing those lesson plans as examples to any institution who would want to hire me on. I love my university, and I love working there not just for the experience of doing so, but because I am recognized as a valuable asset to my department and have been told as much by many people within that department. I'm one of very, very few instructors who are willing to teach on both the main campus and the West campus, I'm one of the very few instructors who have taught every composition class the department offers (with the exception of the ESL classes), and I am one of the only instructors there who seems to be able to exhibit levelheadedness and common sense when problems and issues pop up, and can deal with them appropriately without running/crying to one of the directors and/or administrators for help most of the time -- mainly because at this point I'm a "veteran" when it comes to teaching and student issues, and can take care of most of them myself.

No, this doesn't mean I don't ask for help or advice when I need it, because I do and I will, when appropriate and necessary. I was just making a point.

My overall point is that even though at times it may be stressful, and even though my schedule will change every semester, and even though it pays terribly, I still do my job because I love it and because I want to do it.  But, as an adjunct and academic lecturer, I'm still at the bottom of that proverbial totem pole for any sort of career advancement, and I'm not the only one -- I'm not even the only one in the department (quite obviously) in this position. There are adjuncts, academic lecturers, and other "not quite full professors" in the department with the same or equivalent degrees as me who have been there for many years doing the same thing I'm doing now, semester-in, semester-out. I would not, of course, rank myself or my own skills and abilities over them -- all of us have different experiences and skills, and it's not like they can or should be "ranked" anyway.

We all come and go, some sticking around shorter/longer than others due to luck, ability, experience, politics, or the lack of those things. Many of us, more than anything else, seem to be -- whether it's true or not -- simply killing time in our positions as lecturers. After a while, I wonder if to some of us, it becomes like any other office job that people work just to tread proverbial water and pay the bills, if all of us will eventually get so deep into that proverbial rut that it just becomes rote, becomes life, becomes who we are and what defines us as people. There are people who are adjuncts or lecturers for thirty years until they either get too old to work (or, well, die), and I think to myself why? why do that to yourself? Or I think things like at what point, exactly, did you decide to give up and "accept your fate," and why? Did you not have dreams and goals? Did you just not care about making a live-able wage or advancing upward through the academic system? I can't fathom it; to some extent, it must be some form of collective brainwashing, or groupthink, that sets in after so many years of doing the same thing, a collective defeatist viewpoint. I often wonder how many long-time adjuncts/lecturers keep looking for new work, higher work, more fulfilling work, either at their own university or other ones. How many of them fear change, or fear failure or rejection so much that their own rut/groove/what-have-you is the only security they know, even if it's not exactly secure and offers little to no benefits?

At age 31, I am at a crossroads in my life -- quite possibly the biggest one I've been at in almost ten years. At age 31, with two degrees, almost five semester-years worth of teaching experience under my belt, and my marriage about to start in a few months, I no longer fear or dread change. I have choices and decisions I must make whether I want to make them or not -- there's no more proverbial treading of water. Where I go or end up doing after May 16th (the end of the semester) may not define me as a person or be what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, but that's not what's important -- what is important is that I'll no longer be thinking for and taking care of simply myself after that point, but a wife as well and a household, quite possibly with a child in the next year or two. I have to be able not only to survive, but to survive and support. I have to examine situations carefully in able to pick a route that will make that marriage and household not only financially stable, but emotionally and spiritually stable. Perhaps it's a bit of naivete, but I still have goals. I still have dreams. I still have a drive to make those things happen, and that drive is only made stronger by me getting married and starting a family -- not dampened or burdened by it. I want my wife, my children, and our families to be able to look at me and be proud of what I did with my life, even if it wasn't glamorous all the time, because I never gave up my goals, and even if I didn't achieve all of them, I tried, and encouraged my loved ones to do the same.

I'm at a crossroads because after May 16, I don't know what I'm going to be doing with my life. I said the same thing last year, as well. But, this time around, unlike last year, I can say one thing for certain: I will not be a simple adjunct, a simple academic lecturer barely scraping by for pennies on the dollar at this university in the fall. If Daisy and I live in Kansas, it will be because I've been offered a much more lucrative, important position at the university within my department. If that doesn't happen or falls through one way or another, as it (again) seems to look more and more by the day, I will simply move on -- pull up my proverbial stakes and move to yet another state to begin what amounts to, really, a new life. But I can't survive and support a wife and family on the lowest-of-the-low adjunct professor's salary -- which is why, as I wrote above, that I'd need at least $40k a year to stick around.

It's a tricky situation. Even if everything comes through at the university as I'd like it to, or as I've been told repeatedly every year now that it should, it's a toss-up as to whether or not it would give me a live-able wage. I say $40k because, unless Daisy is working full-time here as well (and even if she is), that's about the minimum of what we'd need to survive and live comfortably. Not extravagantly, just comfortably. For example, I will soon need a new (or newer) car. We'll need to be able to move into a different house, whether we rent or buy, closer to the city of Wichita or within it. Both she and I have bills, and both she and I have student loans that we'll have to pay down once both of our forbearances end. If we end up having a child within the next year or two, that would require more money and more time. Simply put, there are things that a married couple needs to survive that a single guy living alone in his house with three cats does not. I'd need something stable, not a semester-to-semester contract with no paychecks (and, additionally, no ability to pick up extra ones by teaching extra classes) in the summer. I'd need something dependable, not a position that's going to evaporate or be eliminated in a year or two when budgets change. And I'm not sure, even if everything goes as planned or as wanted within that department and within that university, that they'll be able to offer what I need. I had but one (private) request for the position/program if it does come to fruition, and that's that I would be in charge of its overall design and implementation -- which again, if it happens, was basically agreed upon long ago. I did not give them salary requirements for what my position would be, because none of that was laid out in the sweeping overall budget. Suffice it to say, however, I would not be this patient and waiting this long on any news -- good or bad -- on this project were it not a massive and important undertaking for the school of arts and sciences as a whole. But even if it does work, there's no guarantee it would provide me with the stability I need for me and Daisy. Because of that, I have to explore other options -- or at least attempt to -- before I hear any word on anything.

Daisy told me tonight that ideally, she wants to find a new job in the next thirty days. Meaning, a job that can support us both, at least through part of the summer, and can finance my move up to Omaha until I am employed in some capacity up there somewhere, if even on a temporary basis until the fall (when, hopefully, I'd at least be able to get an adjunct or other professorial position there somewhere, if only for a semester, as we start our lives together and slowly stabilize). To be able to do that, yes, she'd also need something in the realm of $40k a year as well. She doesn't make that now. Again, not even close. But she does make more than double what I make right now, which, if you're following along with the math here, should tell you just how little I do make. Do either of us think she's going to find a $40k job in the next thirty days? I doubt it. I don't know if she does, but I doubt it. I'm not being defeatist here, just realistic -- most of the time, things take longer than that. She has been looking and has been applying for many different positions, and tonight I gave her some resume pointers and tips (since, y'know, I teach a class on that sort of thing). However, despite the best intentions from each of us when it comes to the job-and-survival front, there is the very real possibility that after May 16, I'm going to be unemployed for a month or two at least, and she'll still be stuck in her current, mostly miserable job. Again, realism, not defeatism. We have to hope for the best, but also plan for the worst. And I would imagine that while some people may give us some money for the wedding in lieu of gifts or anything else, it's obviously not going to be enough to live on.

Call all of this a sobering realization, a moment of clarity, a "laying all the cards on the table" sort of discussion -- call it whatever you want, but these are the issues looming over our heads which will have to be dealt with one by one over the next several weeks and months.

I mentioned at the beginning of this post that Daisy is looking at houses because there is a timeframe at work here: she wants to be in a new place by May 1, which would give her time to move all of her stuff in, give me time to finish the semester and begin the moving-up-there process myself, and would eliminate the need for us personally to do back-and-forth travel between Kansas and Nebraska in the days/weeks leading up to the wedding. It would give us a base of operations, so to speak. In the aftermath of the wedding, we'd close everything down here and I'd leave this house for good, moving everything else (as well as the cats) up there, together, at a slower pace over the course of a few weeks or so. Regardless of when I do leave this house and move, it's going to take at least a month (logistically) to be able to do everything that involves, including giving my notice to my landlord, packing/cleaning/trashing the stuff I no longer need, want, or have room for, and closing out all of my accounts with the various utility companies. Not to mention the moving itself, which will be no small chore. I've accumulated a lot of stuff in this house over the course of the past five years I've lived here. While some of it can and will be donated to various charities or given to anyone who wants it, a large amount of it will just be trashed/recycled, and an even larger amount will be coming with me to our new home. There are a lot of big things that we'll have to move, such as furniture, the massive king-size bed (and its frame), the washer and dryer (both of which I own, and there's no way in hell I'm leaving those behind), etc. It's a bigger/tougher job than one might think offhand.

My Spring Break was originally going to be the time where, hopefully, I had the news from the department one way or the other and both of us could begin planning for after the wedding, the time when we could start setting things in proverbial stone and moving forward. Because I don't have that news, because even now we still don't know what's going to happen, it's more proverbial treading water and planning for the worst. It's like we're an airplane in a holding pattern waiting to be given clearance to land. If you've never been in this sort of situation yourself, it's difficult to explain what it's like, or how stressful it is when you know the clock is ticking, yet you can't do anything about it. And again, if it wasn't a very lucrative, important position/program I was waiting to hear news about, I wouldn't bother. Working for the university is good, yes, and I love what I do, yes, but what I do now would never be enough to keep me in this miserable, backwards, incredibly right-wing red state any longer than absolutely necessary. The fact that I'd be willing to not only remain here, but move Daisy here as well, should tell you how big and important it is to me, and why I so desperately want to hear something soon.

Now, of course, my Spring Break is just like any other week, except that I don't have to teach. I still have to pay my bills, I still have to do all of my grading and midterm grade calculations, and I still have to go about my life in a somewhat stressful, knowing-the-clock-is-ticking fashion. I'm now only going to Omaha over part of my break because I cleared my schedule enough to do it months ago (and to see Daisy, of course) but we'd planned it -- a long time ago -- to be the time where we got all of our post-wedding affairs in order, where we'd set the schedule of moving one place or the other, where we'd wrap up everything necessary for the actual wedding and would be able to relax, knowing that we had all of our ducks in a row and -- once the semester ended -- could begin shooting those ducks one by one.

...probably not the best metaphor, as one of us is vegan, but you get the point.


Daisy, while everything is basically done for the wedding, is still stressed about it, and she's been having wedding nightmares on a semi-frequent basis. The last thing that needs to be done is that we need to finalize and schedule the catering -- which I reminded her, earlier this week, that we need to get the ball rolling on that. Almost everything else is done, and what isn't will be last minute or last-few-days things right before the wedding actually happens. I've even compiled most of the music playlist for the reception, and she'll be adding her own selections to it whenever we're together this week so that we can finalize that and get it ready -- even if we play it off of my laptop instead of a dedicated music player. Parker was supposed to give me his old iPad, as he told me last semester he'd wipe it and I could take it off his hands (since he got at least one new one), but as I've not seen Parker in person since December, that hasn't happened. From what I've been told, iPads don't have a USB port on them anyhow, so I don't know how I'd get the music onto the thing anyway even if I had gotten it from him. It's not like I have wifi here at home, or any other Apple devices to help facilitate that transition. My side of the wedding planning is actually very light; I'm apparently doing little more than taking care of the music in whatever fashion I can, and showing up with a list of vows and my ring. I've offered to do more and I've offered to help pay for things when I can, but Daisy's parents (as well as Daisy's tax refund) have already taken care of almost everything we'll need. My own parents are completely out of the loop; I have not asked them for any "wedding help" and wouldn't, as they're so far removed from the situation and it's enough, to me, that they're actually coming to my wedding.

The invitations went out last week; by now, most -- if not all of them -- have likely been received by their intended recipients. I know that most of my extended family and friends back home (y'know, the ones who will never come anyway, but get courtesy invitations regardless) have received theirs, as my little cousin left me a message on Facebook saying my aunt and uncle received theirs but they wouldn't be able to come (obviously) and wished us the best. Most of those "courtesy" invitations went out because, and I won't lie here, at least some of those people may send us money or get us something off one of the wedding registries we've set up via Amazon and Target, which are listed on our wedding webpage that Daisy linked everyone to on the invite. Again, most of my extended family and friends back home could give less than a shit that I'm getting married, so it's not like that will probably happen anyhow.

The invites are pretty, by the way; Daisy spent hours designing them and getting the colors/borders and everything set up nicely. But, when half of them are going to people who couldn't care less and will probably throw them in the trash or recycle bin after glancing at them briefly, well...

I'll pick up all of the invites I'll hand-deliver this week when I go to Omaha, or she'll bring them down here with her when she arrives on Monday. I'll distribute them next week when I get back to campus.

So, that's the current situation. In the meantime, we wait, wait, and wait some more. We try to plan for the worst and set up contingency plans for after the semester ends. We live our lives as normally as possible. I myself will be cleaning the house and will be doing my grading and my taxes this weekend.

Life goes on.