The Final Day(s) of Academia

Spring semester: day eighty-one
Finals week: day three

I awoke this morning at 5AM. I was in bed last night before it was even fully dark here -- I probably went to bed around 9 or so. I slept the entire night with my kitties by my side and on my feet, and only awoke so early this morning because I had to pee and couldn't hold it in any longer.

Unfortunately for me, I woke up and got to the computer a mere twenty minutes after Daisy went to bed for her "night," so I more than likely won't get to talk to her today at all.

Today is a very long day for me regardless of what happens. My 011 students' final is at 7:40 PM on campus, so in order for me to get everything done beforehand, I need to get there around 3 or so (due to parking issues and stuff I'll have to do around the office). When it comes to parking during finals week, anything goes -- you'll either show up and there will be a ton of spaces in the lot, or there will be none. It's a roll of the dice; different students have different finals at different times, and there's no predicting anything until you get there and see for yourself.

Of course, during finals week last spring, I was able to park in a lot adjacent to my building...a lot that is no longer there and hasn't been there for the past eleven months due to the university's brilliant idea to build a new dorm there. Note the dripping sarcasm.

Anyway.

I emailed my friend Amanda, who is in my wedding and is also my 011 grading partner, to begin making plans for the day. Here's the thing -- if I can get everything done today/tonight before I come home, I won't have to go back down there tomorrow...or ever again. She gave her final exams yesterday at the normal time, as she has a daytime class, but I don't have that luxury (which is yet another reason that a once a week night class of 011 is a bad idea; it fucks over the professors, too). My exam starts at 7:40, and I only have eight or nine students who will take it...and none of them, I would imagine, will take the entire time. I told her that if she wants to get all of this done tonight and call it finished, my exam is in our building already -- I could easily go back upstairs, she could come in and we could grade through them quickly, and I could turn them in, drop off my keys and take all of my office stuff with me, and not have to come back in anymore. Again, she's in my wedding, and she knows the timeframe of my move and all the shit I have to do within the next week before the move itself, so it's likely that she'll do whatever she can to help if she's able.

Plus, y'know, if I didn't have to drive back down there again tomorrow, it would save me the time, energy, and 48 miles' worth of gas from the round trip. As I have to fill the car with gas again before I drive it up to drop it off in Omaha this weekend, that would save me quite a bit of money overall. And it would let me actually relax and get some sleep tonight when I'll need it after my long day today. If she can't or doesn't want to meet up tonight, it's fine -- I won't be mad at her or anything -- but it's just so much easier for me to be in and out with no extra fuss. It also eliminates the need for tearful, awkward goodbyes if I'm not in there tomorrow -- once I'm gone, I'm gone.

Anyway, I'll find out later today what she wants to do and how she wants to do it. I have to be in there this afternoon regardless, after all -- I need to turn in the exams for my 102s, who took their exams almost two weeks ago, and I need to upload their final grades to the Banner system to finalize everything. Plus, it'll take at least a little bit of time to pack up the stuff in my office, even though there's not a whole lot of anything really there aside from my laptop, my spare monitor, and some other odds-and-ends. That stuff will be heavy enough to carry out to the car even if I get to park relatively close to the building this afternoon.

Yesterday, while I was busy scrubbing the bathroom (and afterwards, trying not to fall asleep), Daisy was doing her first household supplies shopping trip for our new place, picking up things like shoe racks, shower caddies, a new showerhead, floor mats and the like. I found it slightly amusing; she takes such childlike delight and excitement in setting up the household, setting up our cohabitation space and readying for the wedding, decorating her own space for us...and I realized that she was so excited not just for our lives together, but because she's never done this before. Daisy has never lived anywhere else but with her parents -- she's never been out on her own. She's never had an apartment before, she didn't live in the dorms when she was in college, and (probably most importantly) aside from her father, she's never lived with a man. She has this boundless, unstoppable optimism and excitement about it because it's entirely new to her. It's independence, but it's also about becoming a wife, all wrapped up in a bouncy, bubbly ball of energy inside her. Because of this, it's really hard for her to understand my (comparatively speaking) somewhat lack of excitement or enthusiasm.

Don't get me wrong -- I am indeed happy and excited to start my life anew with Daisy as my wife, but for me it's more of a contentment thing, and not an excitement thing. She's never not lived with her parents -- I moved out of my parents' house in 2006. She's never lived with a man before -- I lived with my longtime ex for five years through four different apartments/homes, and have been living alone with the cats since 2011. All of this stuff that's completely new to her is stuff I did six, seven, eight years ago. I'm relieved and at ease, mentally and spiritually, to be settling down and starting my life with my wife, as I know that part of my search for lifelong contentment is now over...but she's thrilled, bouncing and happy and more excited about everything happening than I thought possible. It's just different perspectives, that's all. Being independent, living away from my parents, and living with a woman in a place of our own is nothing new to me, and all of it is very new and exciting to her. I try not to downplay how important or exciting it is to her when we talk about it, but it's not like I can fake the fact that I know what it entails and that the only part of it that's new to me is the fact that we'll be married.

Because of that apparent lack of enthusiasm, I've been asked the question "Aren't you excited?!" numerous times by Daisy over the course of the past month or two, and my answer is always "Yes love, of course," flatly and without bouncing emotion -- because really, that's how I feel. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm happy. But I'm not jumping up and down about it because I have a different perspective on this sort of thing than Daisy herself does. I'm not going to start flailing my arms and screaming in happiness, because I don't express my emotions that way, and it's a different kind of happiness.

Plus, not to be a debbie downer about it, but it's all really stressful, expensive, and requires a lot of work and energy, especially the moving part itself. Regardless of how excited or chipper we may be when we start moving boxes and furniture, I would imagine we'll both be so tired and stressed out that by the end of the move we'll be snapping and squabbling back and forth until both of us can be done and rest. It's almost inevitable. I'm already tired just thinking about it. I don't think there's anything that can give me enough energy to easily perform what amounts to 36 hours of hardcore cardio and heavy lifting, which is what the move will be -- not when a long day at work means my body needs to sleep for 10-12 hours to recover and feel human again afterwards. I only wish I had the money to hire movers and cleaners, but I don't. It was expensive enough just to get the moving truck rented, let alone deal with everything else.

I also have no idea how we're getting the bed frame out of the house without disassembling it. I don't even know how to disassemble it. Once it's disassembled, I don't know how to get it back together, either. It can't fit through the door in one piece just from measurements alone.

Writing about this just stresses me out more about it and makes me more exhausted. When I'm already so tired all the time and never can feel like I'm getting enough rest anyway, I dread anything involving physical labor. It makes me dread being awake. And that's so incredibly depressing.

I worry about how the cats will fare with the move; yes, they've moved before (several times) and have generally adjusted at least decently well rather quickly when they have, but they haven't moved in five years. I'm pretty sure it will be at least somewhat traumatizing for them, especially the drive up there. They don't like being in their carriers; they tend to howl or cry about it. A lot. That means it'll be a long drive up to Omaha with wailing cats in the car, especially if it's hot and sunny. It can't be avoided, of course, but I don't want to put them through any more stress than I have to, you know? Those cats are my babies, they are my children.

Ahem. Anyway.

I have already showered this morning (in part because it's chilly outside and thus chilly in the house as well, and am considering going back to sleep for a nap. I think I need it if I want to be able to get everything done tonight that I need to get done.