Anyone who says being in a relationship, especially a marriage, is easy and/or without work -- they're lying. Seriously lying. Or they're delusional and see things through rose-colored glasses only. Daisy and I are happily married, yes, but a happy marriage, or a happy relationship in general, doesn't magically happen without work, patience, love, and compromise.
Compromise is especially key, and it's something I've been learning more and more since I've been married. Those of you who know me well already know that I am a pretty stubborn person set in my ways. I am very much like an old crotchety man, and always have been. I know that there are things I am inflexible on, things that I need to work on, things I do that really irritate Daisy. She has things she does that irritate me as well, of course, but not nearly as many as I have and do. If that makes sense.
I also have made no secret of the fact that I am very much a homebody -- I don't leave the house except when absolutely necessary, because I have no desire to do so. This was true even when I lived in Kansas, of course -- I went out to get groceries about once a week, and I went to and from campus (or both campuses, on some days) when I had to, in order to teach and/or otherwise perform my job....and that's it. I'd return home and I would stay there until I was forced to leave the house again. The only time I ever did anything else was when Daisy came down to visit and we went to see a movie. I am very much a social hermit. I don't really like people or social situations, even with people I love and adore, such as friends and family. When in those situations, I tend to drift off and start thinking things like if only I hadn't gone out tonight, I could have sat on the couch and watched Netflix, or I could've taken a nap, or I could be dicking around on the computer. This is, more than likely, the exact opposite of what most people would think in a situation like that. Most people would think wow, I'm glad I came out tonight instead of just lounging about on the couch, and I'm so not like that. In fact, a life of lounging about on the couch, watching Netflix, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, and near-constantly dicking around on the computer during all other free hours is my absolute ideal. I mean, shit, that's all I want out of life. If I could find some way to get paid for doing that, I'd never have to leave the house again.
While Daisy shares some of those traits with me (namely needing some at-home time and not really liking social situations and people that much) she shares them to a much lesser degree, and at some times she is nearly my exact opposite on some of these things. For example, she goes out about once a week, dancing or to a bar, with one friend or another -- and I don't mind this. I support it. I know she needs some downtime, I know she needs to spend some time with friends (all of whom I like, and most of whom read this blog), and I have never had -- nor will I ever have -- a problem with that. Go out, babe. Live a little. You're still in your twenties; you deserve some fun nights out. I want her to be able to do as she pleases, because I trust her and love her. Also, at this point (together for two years, and now married) she knows my barometer on a lot of social situations, though not on all of them. Translation: if she thinks I'd be interested in doing something together with her and our friends, she'll invite me along so that I feel included. I will almost always say no, and she understands that, because (again) most of the time I'm not social.
However, and here's where the word compromise comes in, lately I've been saying no to everything. It's not exactly a conscious thing, but it's not exactly an unconscious thing either -- I told her yesterday that it has always been, and most of the time will always be, my default answer when she asks me if I want to go out and do something. To a certain extent, that's just how I'm wired. And really, that's a bad thing when it comes to, y'know, creating a successful marriage. It's something that I don't necessarily think is normal or natural. Yes, men, you do have to give in sometimes and say yes to your wife when it comes to an activity or event that she wants to do, even if you don't want to do it. My problem is that is something that is incredibly hard for me to do.
Look, as I said, I realize this is a problem. And Daisy and I have discussed it at length. It's incredibly hard for me because I'm not used to it. At all. I'm not used to being pulled in different directions for activities and events, some of which are just sprung on me with little or no notice. I'm not used to having someone around who constantly wants me to go out and do things on their terms and on their schedule -- I'm just not. I'm used to being the one in control, the one who says what I'm doing, when, and how. And, as you know, not only do I not do much, but I don't like to do much. I mentioned in a previous post about how my dream, once I was married, was to be able to spend time at home with my wife, doing nothing but spending time with her -- nothing but the two of us and whatever we wanted to do. A constant staycation, so to speak. There are few things I'd rather do with Daisy than curl up together under a quilt on the couch with the cats, eat junk food, and watch Netflix. Like, every night. I am a sedentary soul. I am a homebody. I am a hermit, both physically and socially.
And it's gotten worse, really, over the course of the past month. Some of it, of course, is depression-based. I love Daisy and I am incredibly happy with her (I wouldn't have married her otherwise, obviously), but I am incredibly frustrated and depressed with the rest of my life and the rest of the outside world. I have a little more than $230 to my name until I get a job, and most of that will be gone within the next few weeks as several of my bills come due. Of the jobs I've applied for since moving to Omaha -- about 100 of them in the past month, no lie or exaggeration there -- I have gotten two interviews and one callback (more on that later). And that's it. The job boards for things I can actually do are really sparse and/or there's nothing open. None of the many jobs I've applied for and can do will get back to me, and many of them are probably dummy postings for positions at companies which have already been filled internally. I'm not saying these are excuses for why I seem so inflexible on things with Daisy, but it certainly doesn't make we want to get up and dance or go out on adventures or errands/activities with her (as all of those things cost money). When I'm unhappy I apparently create this vortex of depression, and anyone caught within its grasp gets slowly dragged down with me. Daisy is my wife. I don't want that to happen to her. I don't want to bring her down just because I'm not exactly having the best time in my life right now. And yet, at times, that seems to be what I'm doing.
So, I have to learn to compromise more. I have to learn to say yes sometimes, say yes to my wife even if I don't want to, because in doing so I will make her happy. I have to learn to not let my own feelings, my own thoughts, depressions, and former "living alone as a hermit in control of everything" lifestyle and habits control everything I think and do. And like I said, it's difficult for me. It's difficult for me to no longer be in charge, to now have to do things with and for someone else. As I told Daisy, it's something that we both have to get used to. We didn't live together before we were married (well, we did, but for about a week and a half). We don't fully know each others' behaviors and quirks -- those little things that happen behind-the-scenes of normal life. Yes, there's shit we both do that irritates the hell out of the other, shit neither of us knew about before we were married. It's not bad things or big things, but everything takes getting used to. There is a learning curve about living in the same space and cohabiting with another person, and that learning curve is larger when that person is your spouse. When that person's your spouse, you have to accept what they do and how they feel, and how what you do makes them feel. You must compromise on some things, if not a lot of things.
I'm just now learning this, obviously. I've never been married before. And while I did live with my ex for five years of our almost seven-year relationship -- so I do have a little experience with this sort of thing -- we were more like roommates than anything else. Daisy has never lived with anyone but her parents, so it's an even larger learning curve for her to not have, say, her own bedroom anymore -- or even really any truly private space. It's as much of a change for her as it was for me to move here after living completely alone with the cats for three years, which shook up my own foundations and routines.
Like I said, it just takes time, patience, and compromise -- and a willingness to work on things and see issues or requests from the other person's perspective. We're still new at this whole marriage thing, after all. I think we're doing pretty well, despite some setbacks here and there. As always, communication is also key. Good communication is the backbone of any healthy relationship, and Daisy and I both try to foster good, effective communication between each other. It's not like we got married after a blind date or anything like that, you know -- it's just the new dynamic we have to work with. We're doing pretty well with it so far. If one of us has a problem or something is bugging us, we bring it up with the other and we discuss it calmly and rationally until we have a resolution. Daisy and I have always done that in our relationship, but those discussions tend to carry a little more weight now that we're husband and wife.
So, in summation -- no, being married is not easy, but that does not mean it's bad or not worth it. It's wonderful. I've never felt safer or more secure, more loved and cared about, than I do with Daisy, and I'm sure she feels the same way about me. But make no mistake, a marriage is constant work, constant maintenance...and that's a good thing. Without that work, maintenance, communication, and compromise, most marriages would fail. It's probably why many marriages do fail. There's nothing I keep from Daisy, nor is there anything I feel that would be taboo to bring up with her in conversation -- even if it's something that irritates me. Likewise, she is the same way with me. It's that communication that works really well, even if (at the time) the person being...ahem...told off doesn't really respond well to it (okay, the person being told off most of the time is me). I have to work on that, and my reactions to that, as well, but overall? I think we communicate a hell of a lot better than other couples do, or at least from what I've seen, anyway.
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