The Recovery Cycle

 We returned home on June 29. Today, as I write this, it is July 27. 

Obviously, a lot of things have happened since we returned home.

The first -- and likely most important -- is that we did get the air conditioner fixed. But it did take four days after we returned home, in sweltering Omaha July temperatures, to get the tech to do it. In the interim, Daisy could no longer take it and went to one of the stores in the area (Lowe's, Home Depot, somewhere like that) and got a portable air conditioner unit. Not the kind that you install in a window, but one about the size of R2-D2 that sits on the floor in a room and vents to a window. It was not cheap, but instead of it being 85 in our master bedroom at all times, it made the room a comfortable 65 at almost all times. She took it downstairs and hooked it up in the living room too, when we were both down there. 

Our actual air conditioner? Compressor blew out on it. It was a fix that took less than an hour, and Daisy had the repairman install a new wall thermostat for us as well -- one that works far better and actually has pressable buttons that you don't have to jam with a butter knife to get them to register (yeah, that was our old thermostat). We were going to get one anyway, and I'd actually gotten a Lowe's gift card as a credit card reward perk to go get it with -- Daisy was able to use that for other things, fortunately. Since then we've had a comfortable, live-able house again. But I will say that those four mid-summer days without AC were no joke -- it got above 90 in my upstairs office every day and never got below 80 in the downstairs at night...where I was forced to immediately return to work as I was now fully out of PTO to use after the trip. 

Since our return, we've noticed a sea change in the cats' behavior; Empress has become much more lovey with both Daisy and myself, Mable has become far more rambunctious, violent (like Pete was as a kitten -- it's a black cat thing) and independent, and Hank has formed a sort of kinship with Sadie and checks on her when he can tell she's not feeling well, hides with her when she's scared (fireworks, etc -- the 4th of July happened right after we came home of course), and lays with her or next to her far more now. Not cuddling or anything, but they're definitely closer than they were before. He will give her little kisses on her head or nose, and it's really cute.

Pete, unfortunately, has had a massive spike in his anxiety levels. I'm sure part of that is because we were gone so long, but part of it is because he cannot be left alone by the other cats when he goes to the pan -- the kittens all act like they're the potty police or something. They do it to Sadie too, and she does not like it at all. Pete has sprayed on doors and walls and Sadie has had accidents because of their potty-policing, which isn't every time they go to the pan(s), but is enough to really mess with them at times. 

Pete also developed a large abscess on his inner front leg that we had to take him in for and get drained/antibiotics and pain pills given to him for it. It looked like a hot spot at first, but his incessant chewing at it (again, anxiety) did not help it and it became a big open wound that swelled up around the spot in question. It didn't seem to hurt him or keep him from walking/moving around normally, but we wanted to make sure he would heal and that it wasn't something more serious like cat cancer or something, so Daisy took him in. It has completely healed up now, and aside from the small bare spot on his leg, you never would've known he had it. 

Sadie, I am afraid, is on her last legs and last few weeks or months of life. She seems very lethargic and not all there a lot of the time. She eats like a hog and drinks like a fish (so her body/digestive system is still working at least) but she has somewhat frequent diarrhea and vomits up what looks like saliva or bile several times a week. She is still a very loving, wants-to-be-with-you cat, and snuggles up to us, Pete, and occasionally Emmy every day, but it's becoming very clear that -- like Maggie -- her time is coming soon. Could be another few weeks or months, could be a few days. We don't know. When she takes that turn for the worse, as Maggie did, we will know that it's time, and as painful as it will be, we will do what must be done to end her suffering. Sadie is 17 and the second-oldest -- only Pete is older -- and she has lived a very long, good life. I knew once Maggie went that it would only be a matter of time until her sister and Pete followed suit. It's a sad reality to face, but we'll have to do it with all of these cats eventually. 

And yet I feel conflicted on all of it. I love these old cats -- Pete and Sadie -- and I've had them their entire lives, I will be very sad when they go, but I can't say I also won't be relieved. Pete's anxiety and his spraying is very stressful for both Daisy and me and he can be an absolute menace when he incessantly howls for no reason, or goes after Sadie hard for no reason, or decides that he wants to beg for food or treats from us and when we don't give him anything he will lock eyes with us and piss on something -- or threaten to. I don't like having to keep the old man drugged at almost all times (gabapentin and melatonin, and sometimes CBD for cats) just to have him act like some semblance of a normal cat. Similarly, Daisy doesn't like having to steam-clean the living room carpet multiple times a month because Pete attacks Sadie and Sadie's defensive response is to spray piss, a lot of piss, everywhere while she's under attack. The three kittens may be goblins, but they don't do any of those things and are actually quite normal -- relatively speaking, of course.

So, yes, there will be a lot of relief and stress lifted from us, even though there will be a lot of sadness. And it feels really bad, really mean and cold to say that, but it's still true. Pete is Daisy's baby and Sadie has always been my shadow -- I am very much her person -- but it's still true. 

Pete and Hank went in for their yearly checkups/shots on Thursday, and we found out definitively how much heavier and really, larger Hank now is than his aging, anxious older brother. Hank is now the largest, heaviest cat in the house -- built like a dumptruck and still as lovey as the day we brought him home. He is 13.5 pounds. Pete is 11.5 pounds. Both of our boys are healthy as expected. Pete's still old and is still in kidney failure, but he's still doing well enough health-wise. Hank, who has an enlarged heart and had a bad allergic/asthmatic reaction to something back around Christmas, has not had any incidents since and the vet says his heart is strong, normal, and with no murmurs. So there's that.

We have now had Hank for well over a year -- his adoption day anniversary was July 15.

Meanwhile, Empress is catching up to him in size (though not yet in weight) and it seems like Mable doubled in size while we were in Canada, as she is now almost as big as Sadie. There are times when I will confuse her for Pete because she's getting so big. 

Anyway.

I returned to work the day after we came home to find that July at my job is miserable; I have hated nearly every day since returning from vacation, and many mornings I have found myself stuck working up to almost an hour late because of the sheer idiocy that has to be dealt with by someone, and if I don't do it nobody else will. 

I have mentioned only to my very close and trusted friends and coworkers -- all three of them, out of a group of nearly fifty -- that my goal is to be out of this job and on to another one as soon as possible. If not by Labor Day, then definitely by the holidays. I will cross my ten-year point in this job in less than a month, and for almost eight years of that I have been in the same position doing the same thing every night with no hope or opportunity for advancement or betterment of myself, my station in life, or in my position within the company/program hierarchy. I am making $18,000 more now, per year, than the day I started back in 2014... and honestly, that being the only benefit does not feel like nearly enough after one-and-a-half promotions, three schedule changes, and the fact that my presence can at times literally keep the program together and keep it from collapsing. My company is making a lot of changes behind the scenes, shifting some work outside of the country and moving a lot of long-time employees to other programs or groups. I have been assured by my higher leadership that I am fine and am not going anywhere, but have also been told in a thinly-veiled way by that same leadership to save every hour of PTO that I earn and don't use, and not to put in for some days/times I do use because I work far longer and harder in that place than most others do, and in Nebraska if you lose your job it is state law that all earned/accrued PTO gets paid out to you.

On one hand it is definitely reassuring to know that I'm appreciated and highly valued, while on the other hand -- make no mistake -- being told that bit about PTO so nonchalantly is highly frightening. Do I expect to lose my job? No. Do I expect it to possibly, with or without much warning, to change from one position to another internally and for me lose all the experience I have for the past decade to shift gears into something I may hate way more and start over on? Yes, eventually. At this point my place of employment really does seem like it's rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic more than it ever has felt like that before. I could be wrong, but for a multitude of reasons I cannot lose my job right now. If I get a whiff that something bad is coming down the pipe, I need to jump ship into something else and fast.

I could be wrong, though. Who knows. All I can do is login every night, do the best I can while I'm on the proverbial clock, and live through it all day by day.

Now, I told you all of the above so that I can now tell you this, with the deepest irony possible -- before I had that PTO conversation with my higher leadership, I had already booked plane tickets for us to go visit my parents in North Carolina again next month.

I booked the tickets a week after we returned from Canada. I will have more than enough PTO to cover the several-day-trip down there to see them by the time it rolls around. I just won't have much PTO for anything else for the rest of the year -- maybe a couple of days around Christmas/my birthday and/or if I get sick.

This wasn't a decision made on a whim -- I wanted to plan a trip to see my parents again back in the spring, as you are aware. However, Daisy was sick and we had, ahem, a series of unfortunate events happen one thing after another (see the run of "2024 Can Suck It" posts from earlier this year) and we never got around to figuring out a schedule for it. By the time the spring rolled around, we were already through it and into the summer, and then we were in Canada, and now we're here.

I cleared it with my parents -- I wanted to make sure the time we would visit would also be good for them, and that they wouldn't be up in West Virginia or anything like that during the one stretch of days I could get cleared to make the trip. They won't be, and they're excited to see us. I told Daisy I would take care of the bookings of flights and that since it'll still be summer and we'll only be there a few short days, all we need are a couple of outfits in our backpacks -- she could focus on that and book the rental car, which she has a deep-discount corporate code for.

With me dealing with everything else, I picked the best seats possible on American Airlines (boo, hiss) because to fly Delta it was double the price, picked the best arrival/departure times, and booked a flight directly into Wilmington, NC instead of into Raleigh (which would require a few hours of driving). Wilmington is less than an hour from my parents' place. I also made sure we locked in a seat-selection guarantee so that I don't have sore knees/joints the entire trip, got trip insurance, and made sure the tickets were completely cancelable with a full refund in the event something were to happen between now and then. Our flight from Omaha takes us into Charlotte for a short layover, and then to Wilmington. Our flight home takes us from Wilmington into Chicago/O'Hare for another short layover, and then back to Omaha. We leave in the middle of the day both times and arrive in the early evening hours both times -- no super-early mornings, no arriving-home-at-11pm bullshit this time around. 

These options weren't cheap. But, comfortability, peace-of-mind, and not needing to check bags because we don't need anything extra when my parents have a washer/dryer is immensely helpful. I do not need souvenirs or more t-shirts from North Carolina, I got enough of them last year. We're not taking food with us there or back, more than likely (with the exception of, maybe, some Utz chips). We just need us, some light toiletries, and a couple of outfits to cycle through. Beach clothing. Flip-flops. It'll still be summer in North Carolina -- very much so. It was in the mid-90s every day when we were there last year and I do not expect that to be much different this year. Luckily, my parents have good air conditioning.

Daisy was not thrilled when I told her how much the tickets were. They were a few hundred dollars more than she would have spent on them, to be fair, and a few hundred more than I originally quoted her (prices change). But, I was organizing this trip, I was and am in charge of it, and I don't want to fly out of here at the asscrack of dawn or arrive home way after dark. I don't want to fly through certain airports, have multi-hour layovers sitting in an airport where I can't vape or afford to get something to eat, or spend hours driving in the dark before we even get to our destination -- once I get off the plane I want it to be the shortest time/distance possible before I'm inside my parents' house on the island. I don't want to check bags or carry more than we need, or make grandiose plans we don't get the time to follow through on (and certainly don't have the energy to). I wanted to guarantee we'd get the most comfortable seats possible on the planes so that I don't hurt for the several days we'll be there, as they will be active days -- beaching, stairs, lots of walking, etc. More than anything else I wanted to make sure that in case of a crisis or emergency that I would be able to cancel everything and get a full refund put riiiiiiight back onto my credit card, because I 100% know how shitty our luck has been this year.

So, everything's set, and in a little more than a month we will venture to North Carolina once more. Daisy was able to get a great deal on the rental car -- no, we did not get another Spaceship Van™ this year because there was no point to it -- instead she got us a simple vehicle, which will likely end up being another Chevy Malibu or something along those lines. We only need it for a few days and it's not like we're hauling cargo or anything with it. 

I am excited. Well, relatively so. Being on the island with my parents does allow me some decompression time. 

I honestly just need some time for everything to stop bending us over the table and fucking us. I don't mean to sound crass when I say that, but it's really how I feel this year. Can 2024 stop fucking us, please? Daisy and I both have had what I would call an exceptionally shitty year, with both of us getting railed by life in many, many ways. We've had to deal with or otherwise overcome more problems this year than in any other year of our relationship or marriage -- not between us, really, but in general. Something will come along and fuck me, then something will come along and fuck her, and then something will come along and double-fuck us both, and then the cycle repeats. And it's all just getting so tiring. I just wanted something nice and relaxing. The Canada trip was fun, but it was decidedly not relaxing. And it was incredibly expensive -- to put it into perspective, between groceries, gas, and the clothing and other items we brought home, I put more on my credit card than it was to get the plane tickets to North Carolina. By a lot. It's not going to break us financially but I wanted a trip that I was in control of, that I had a say in the timeframes of and the travel schedule for, to a destination of my choosing to see my family.