The Mock Profile

Fall semester: day fifteen

This afternoon, Andrea and I were discussing dating websites like Match.com, and specifically how all of the single people in my hometown of Morgantown, West Virginia are unattractive.

"You know why?" I asked. "Because pretty single people don't use websites like Match.com. Delete your account; you're not one of them."

The them I was referring to was the people who use said website or others like it, obviously. Andrea is very pretty. She doesn't need it. While I don't believe that only ugly people populate dating websites, I do believe that said sites are indeed (for the most part, anyway) havens for those people who are desperate, socially awkward or otherwise inept at real life.

Some of you (okay, most of you) can probably point out the irony in my writing that.

This being said, I will mention that I used to be a member of at least one or two dating sites in my undergrad years at WVU, back when I was hopelessly fat, sheltered, awkward, and -- well -- not getting laid. Though I did make a friend or two through the sites, I let my memberships lapse long before the former girlfriend and I got together, which should tell you how long ago it actually was. However, Andrea and I began talking about the sorts of profiles we've written and/or seen on sites like these.

"Truthfully, I'd make my profile brutally honest," I said.

And, of course, I then began to construct one. Just for fun (believe me, I'm not joining any dating site), within our conversation. What follows is an expanded version of that mock profile I created in my conversation with Andrea, simply for your amusement. I figure if nothing else, it will let you into my head a little more:


THE OBLIGATORY "ABOUT ME" STATEMENT:
I live in the small town of Newton, KS, alone, with three cats. I will talk about said cats at length; be prepared. I wrote a book, but talk about it as little as possible in mixed company. I drive a beat-up Monte Carlo with a Decepticon logo on the hood. Because I'm a nerd. I will also talk about my car at length, including any problems it's currently having; again, be prepared. I collect comic books and comic book t-shirts, and can quote most (if not all) Kevin Smith movies verbatim. I have limited social skills, yet (most of the time) I am full of confidence and somewhat narcissistic, and due to that combination, most people find me at least somewhat grating. I've just escaped an almost seven-year relationship with a woman who tried to change almost everything about me and failed to do so, as I refuse to be anything but who I truly am. Some would say I'm an asshole, while others would say I'm one of the kindest, most introspective and caring men they've ever met. It's up to you to be the judge.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:
I'm looking for a woman roughly around my age (read: rapidly approaching thirty) who doesn't want to be coy, dick around playing hard to get, or just meaninglessly date or have meaningless sex. None of that interests me. I'm getting older, and when I was younger I thought I'd be married with children by now, so I don't waste my time with people who aren't in the mindset of at least being open to the prospect of settling down for a commitment of a stable relationship and a future together. With people my age, in my profession or both, that sort of thing is extremely hard to find. Also of note: my confidence only goes so far, so even if I think we'd be a good match, if I consider you to be "out of my league" (as in way too good/pretty/popular) to date someone like me, you'll have to be the one to make the first move, as I'll not be brave enough to ask you out due to the high probability of rejection as well as a strong cynical streak I possess. Age isn't really important, though maturity is. Body shape or type is even less important, as what attracts me to a woman is more often her personality and sense of humor than her looks -- and no, that's not bullshit. Glasses are a plus, however, as I find them remarkably sexy. Non-religious, liberal types are preferred, though as long as you don't push your beliefs on me or let them affect our relationship, it doesn't matter to me what you believe in. More than anything else, though, I want someone normal -- no hang-ups, no stalking, no craziness...and certainly no yelling, throwing things, or hitting me, either.

THINGS I DO:
The first thing you should know about me, before anything else, is that I tend to live the life of a recluse, and for the most part this is my choice. In my free time I am usually closed up in my home office (or, as I call it, my "Man Cave") blogging, Facebooking/Tweeting, and downloading or listening to podcasts. When I'm not doing that, I'm either at school for obscenely long days, asleep, cleaning, or occasionally watching college/NFL football or a good nerdy movie on the couch...when I'm not reading a 400-page novel every week for my lit classes, writing new poetry, or writing/grading my students' papers and quizzes. I'm a very lonely, busy person, and there's always something on my figurative plate. Despite that, I will make as much time for you as possible, and can always clear some of those things from my schedule for a while.

MY POSSIBLY-DEALBREAKING CHARACTER FAULTS:
I smoke like a chimney, and have done so pretty much from age eighteen to the present. I am, however, willing to give it up. When I drink, I usually drink to excess and generally do not/can not stop until I am either sick or unconscious, though everyone says I'm a happy drunk. I'm overweight, but not overly so; I am not gargantuan. I am in graduate school, therefore I only make $8500 a year from teaching (before taxes) and am forced to live on student loans to survive. This, of course, means I can't really afford extravagant dates or gifts for you. My car is almost sixteen years old, has 217,000+ miles on it, and sucks gas like crazy (in addition to numerous other small problems it has). I am 24 miles from the nearest real metropolitan area (Wichita), so a willingness to actually come up here on a regular basis is a must. I do not like groups of people or the "bar scene" at all, and avoid both as much as humanly possible. I can be somewhat vain and cocky at times, though that's usually just my way of dealing with awkwardness. I drink milk from the carton, never a glass. I like to wear tie-dye shirts and mirrored aviator sunglasses, frequently at the same time. I will usually go a few weeks at a time without shaving. I am not particularly well-endowed. I have no monetary inheritances coming to me, and I have no clue where my life or career is headed after grad school, only that grad school is giving me a purpose and a job for the three years I'm attending it. I don't necessarily like the outdoors. I am much more eloquent in writing or typing than I am in person. I hate the telephone. I sing in the car. I sing in the shower. I dance, poorly, when no one is looking (and sometimes when people are). I talk to my cats too much. I have a hairy chest and back. I am slowly losing my hair and may be bald by age 40. I hate most country and rap music. I write mediocre poetry, but can't stand reading most poetry. I think Tucker Max and Seanbaby are comedic geniuses. There is a toy TIE Fighter hanging from the ceiling in my office at work, complete with pilot. I want to be Slave Leia (or Sailor Mercury) for Halloween at some point, just to see how many people I can disgust. I will eventually ask you to dress like Sailor Mercury in the bedroom. Yes, I will. You are allowed to decline this request, as everyone else I've asked has. I am still addicted to all of the Pokemon games, even at my age. I own and wear a leather motorcycle jacket, despite the fact that I have never owned a motorcycle. I am a huge proponent of the bathrobe, and see no need in getting dressed for the day if I'm not planning to leave the house. I wear sandals everywhere in the spring/summer/fall except on days when it's too cold or wet to do so. My daily vitamin regimen makes my pee neon highlighter yellow. When I write my next book, you will more than likely end up as a character in it -- and if I really like you, you may end up on the Special Thanks page.


One at a time, ladies. One at a time.