Variables at Play

Fall semester: day eleven
(yes, even though it's Labor Day, it still counts)

Right now, there are all sorts of things going on within my head. Some of them are good, some of them are bad, and some of them I am really not open enough with you people, no offense, to write about here yet. There are also many things going on around me outside of what I'm thinking about, outside my head -- and in some cases -- outside the state of Kansas.

Last night I wrote what could now be constituted as a "poor me" sort of blog post here. It was up for maybe an hour before it was taken down, because I wasn't comfortable with some of the things I said in it, and what those things revealed about myself. In it, I basically laid bare my mental state, while also laying out my intentions to become, basically, a social recluse -- or, as I like to call it, entering full hermitude, mainly because for the most part I don't have the time or energy to devote to social interaction, and don't really have the desire or patience to foster new friendships or relationships with anyone right now.

While all of that is true to a certain extent, I've now had the presence of mind to realize that closing myself off from most people in favor of leading a rather boring life here in Newton with the cats doesn't exactly help anything. Despite what I may think at times, I can be social and function normally.

The truth is, however, that there are all sorts of variables at play right now, and all sorts of things going on out of my control; I have to be careful with what I do and say, and I have to be careful with who I associate with and mentally attach myself to. Right now, I can't really say much more than that.

Last night, during the longest conversation I've had with the former girlfriend since our breakup, she told me that my "mood swings" are starting to concern our mutual friends, and are, more seriously, making it hard to be my friend at all.

I won't lie, I was surprised by this. I didn't realize I was having "mood swings" of any sort. To my friends, whether they're shared with the former girlfriend or not, I've always been as normal as possible, specifically so that I'm not treated any differently as a person than I was before. Keep in mind that I've written here at length in the past few weeks about how some of my ancillary friends have been walking on eggshells around me as of late, or not really talking to me at all, despite the fact that I'm fine, I still function normally -- I talk and laugh, and I'm the same Brandon I always was. For those who can't disconnect the blog from how I am in normal life around everyone else (and I do believe that is a problem, at least for some of my friends) keep in mind that the blog is an internal monologue; it's me basically talking to myself, and it is a separate entity from the person I am in public. Whether you folks read it or not, it is a place for me to sort my thoughts into neat little rows for later processing. I can't -- and no one else should, for that matter -- think of it as anything more than that. Yes, sometimes the blog will contain much different subject matter than my outward personality. It's a blog. It's a place I lay out my fears and apprehensions, my internal thoughts and inner demons. I'm a writer. That's what writers do. If anything, it should be looked on as a tool, a tool that lets me sort myself out on my own time at my own pace, and make any readers I have think "Oh, good, he's processing things, he's okay, this is just how he does it."

Call that "mood swings" if you wish, but before you do, ask yourself (if you know me in person, of course) if I've been any different in person than I was before, or if my outward personality has changed at all aside the fact that I'm now single, know it, and show it.

However, as an opposing point of view...

I like to say that I'm mature in all the ways that count, but that usually pertains to the fact that I'm an intelligent grad student and accomplished writer/instructor, yet still buy all the Pokemon games and collect action figures and comic books. When it comes to emotional maturity, however? Who knows where I am with that, to be honest. I don't have a whole lot of life experience; I lived with my parents until I was nearly 24, and I just got out of a stable six-plus-year relationship that not only moved me across the country, but kept me relatively sheltered during the years that most people normally forge the sorts of habits and relationships that shape who they are as human beings. I thought I was done. I thought my levels of adulthood had reached their apex, as I was rapidly approaching thirty and expected (well, not expected, but hoped) to be married in a few years, with nothing needed after that. As it turned out, I'm now single and can give a lot of advice on what not to do in a relationship, but that's about it.

The lady I asked out, in case you were wondering, declined my offer for a date. She has her reasons, all of which I understand fully (and, additionally, support), and there are no hard feelings about it, obviously. She is one of the few new recruits I've actually gotten to know a bit since we started school this fall, and I'm honored to be able to call her a friend. She is a very sweet, kind woman with a killer sense of humor.

As for becoming a social recluse of sorts, I'm not sure. It's true that I really don't have the time or desire to go out and mingle -- I've said it before, folks, I'm getting old. I feel old. My classes this semester are very busy, and I've found that I have to spend a lot more time devoted to my work for them than I thought I would. Gas prices are astronomical right now too; I put another $32 of gas into the Monte Carlo yesterday, and even though it seems to be getting much better gas mileage since I put the complete fuel system cleaner through it (I'm estimating it went from a previous 18mpg or so to somewhere around 24-25mpg), that doesn't change the fact that the beat-up car is expensive to drive and still ends up using around two gallons of gas every trip I make to Wichita and back, not to mention the mileage on it that keeps racking up with every week of classes. At this rate, it'll breach 220,000 by the end of the semester, and I'll probably have to get an oil change done around Thanksgiving or so.

"Stop making excuses," the former girlfriend told me. "At least go to the [museum] mixer on Friday."

"Wait...you're actually telling me to get out of the house and do something?" I replied.

"Yes. Or even take an hour or so to go over to the [student union] for a beer, or something. I still manage to get out and do stuff with my schedule. It's not easy, but I make time for it."

"You know, it's easier for you," I said. "You live down there right in the middle of everyone and everything."

This is true; the former girlfriend now lives in what can only be described as a two-mile radius of not only the vast majority of our colleagues and classmates, but around popular grad-student hangout spots.

I know I'm worrying my friends that I'm not accepting any of their invitations to do things, or go out drinking with them or what-have-you -- this afternoon, Rae and Jay are throwing a Labor Day BBQ that I also declined to attend -- but believe me, I always have reasons for not doing any of this stuff, and it's not to slight anyone who's invited me out to do any of it. I'm just really not a social person (unless it's a one-on-one, date-like thing), and it's a long drive with more gas to use. I also have things to do (a book to finish and a response paper to write), and I'm planning to make a big pot of soup tonight, which will take several hours to cook. This may sound like more excuses, and maybe they are -- but my life is just so different than everyone else's right now. Maybe in a few months I'll be more receptive to this sort of stuff, but right now I want to make it clear that I don't want to disappoint my friends or make them worry about me because I'm not doing this stuff -- it's just disinterest, and things that I need to take care of taking preference and priority.

On that note, I must take care of those things now. I've wasted the vast majority of the day sleeping and writing here.