Requiem for an Insomniac

It's Monday night again, and of course, I can't sleep.

This week, at least, it was not due to a nightmare or anything of that sort. I don't know why I can't sleep, to be perfectly honest with you. When I went to bed a little before 9PM, I was indeed tired and ready to get some rest. And then I simply laid there for two hours, not even dozing, before giving up and coming back upstairs.

It's 11:30 PM. I know, and my body knows, that I must be awake to get ready, and go to school to teach, when the alarm goes off at 5AM. That's my wake-up time. It's when I shower, drink lots of coffee, and get dressed for the day, before leaving the house around 7. There's no getting around it; I have a job, and that job is being a responsible GTA who teaches two sections of English twice a week.

Yeah, well, tell that to my sleep cycles, will you?

I've had friends ask me if I ever took anything to make myself sleep better. As in, sleeping pills or the like. The answer is not usually, no. Most of the time, my career as a graduate student keeps me so sleep-deprived that I don't need such things -- when I get the opportunity to sleep, I readily do so. While I do have some melatonin tablets I can take (an entire bottle of them, actually), I've found that they either don't work, or they work too well, and I'll end up sleeping ten hours or more. Too risky to trust on a school night. I believe I have some sample packs of Lunesta somewhere around the house as well, but they will definitely make me sleep around ten hours or more, a luxury I don't have but on the weekends...when sleep doesn't matter anyhow.

Most of you would attribute my lack of sleep, or inability to do so, to stress. Either that or residual effects of no longer having a girlfriend to sleep with. I don't think it's either one, really. I'm not particularly stressed out; I'm busy, yes, but I get all of my work done without problems and still have some relaxation time thrown in, and it doesn't stress me out. At least not now -- believe me, when Thanksgiving rolls around and papers start coming due, it will. The last three or four weeks of the fall semester is hell.

As for not having anyone to physically sleep with...eh. I think, for the most part, I got used to that a while back. I've been single for six weeks now ("But," as Suri said a few days ago, "Who's counting?"), and the vast, vast majority of those nights I've slept just fine. The cats -- all three of them -- have learned to curl up with me in a big furry pile when I go to bed, so it's not like I'm sleeping alone. Pete will even sleep on the pillow with me, or under my arm like a teddy bear (a habit he's had since he was just a tiny kitten). So really, I don't think it's that either. Though I would probably sleep better with a companion every once in a while, it's not like it's required. I've always been a rather solitary person.

As you know if you read my last post, I offered my parents the option of coming out here to visit over Christmas break for a few days in an email to my mother. She replied telling me the drive would be too long and hard on the dog, and that they'd have to board the cats (they also have three), which would be expensive for such a long time -- plus my dad always spends Christmas at his parents', which I of course knew -- and told me that it would be much easier if I were to just come out there.

The reply perplexed me on multiple levels -- the first being that she couldn't bring the dog anyhow; it's forbidden in my lease to have dogs in the house even for a visit, after the last tenant had a lab that tore up the place. It's why the former girlfriend couldn't bring her Australian Shepherd here to live with us when we moved here. Her mother brought the dog by once for a visit, and the entire time I was paranoid someone would see her and report us to the landlord for it.

The second perplexing point is why she/they would even fathom driving out here instead of simply flying (y'know, like I've always flown out there to visit) and saving a shitload of time/gas money/wear-and-tear on a vehicle in the process.

I sent another email telling her that while it would be preferable to see them both, of course, I realize that Dad has his own family plans for around the holidays, but that shouldn't immediately stop her from coming alone if she wants to -- flying, of course -- because I am perfectly capable of picking her up from and taking her back to the airport in Wichita. The same goes for anyone who wants (or is able) to come visit me, obviously. This would also prevent her from needing to board the animals, as well, since my dad would be at home. While it would be regrettable that I wouldn't get to see him, it would be very nice to see my mother.

I also added, very nicely, at the end of the email that though it may be easier for them for me to fly out there to visit, for me it's anything but -- especially now that I'm living single and not only have to worry about all of my school stuff, but about household stuff, the cats, the car, and paying all of the bills, amongst all other things entailed in living alone and on a budget. I just wanted to offer an option that may actually allow me to see my mother, at least, at some point this year -- and during the holidays, at that. Truthfully, I have no idea what's going to happen between now and Christmas, or between now and next semester for that matter. I've never been able to plan anything ahead with absolute certainty, and while both of my parents have an abundance of vacation days they can take at any time from their jobs, I do not. With my current financial state and the lack of any sort of real "safety net" to catch me and save my ass if something goes wrong -- as well as a lack of anyone else here to watch over the cats or house now -- everything's a risk.

Yes, that is part of the reason I don't like to leave the house much except when I have to; for example, if the car blows up and strands me somewhere, I don't have anyone to rescue me anymore, or anyone to tell me that it'll be fixed, everything will be okay, etc. -- because, more than likely, it won't be okay, and will more than likely will be a horrific pain in the ass and emptier of my bank account. If for some reason I got stranded in West Virginia during a visit (due to winter weather or other factors), it would be that much worse.

Remember a few days back when I said I had a strong cynical streak, despite my outward optimism? Yep, here it is.

I somehow doubt my mother will want to fly out here to visit me, and by herself at that; the woman's not been on an airplane in almost 25 years, and I'm not sure she'd want to fly even to see me. I don't necessarily blame her, of course, but I wanted to offer it as an option. Of all people who might want to visit me here in Kansas, I figure she'd be at the very top of the list for those who would jump at the chance first. Especially since, well, nobody else has. I'll have to wait to see what she says.

Anyway.

After reading Burney's Evelina for most of Saturday and Sunday, and becoming thoroughly disgusted with the pace of the novel and the fact that nothing important happens in it until the very last page, I was hesitant to pick up the book I had to read for my Asian/Middle Eastern Lit course, Pramoedya Ananta Toer's This Earth of Mankind. I was afraid I'd be burned again, stuck reading another novel I had no interest in whatsoever, and another novel where nothing of consequence happened.

I was wrong. The book is fantastic. That's high praise coming from a guy who reads 700-800 pages during any given week (and no, that's not an exaggeration) for his classes. Most texts are just that, texts. This is one of the best novels I've read in years. I love the narration, I think the characters are extremely interesting, and the novel's use of foreshadowing is awesome. Maybe it's just my excessive boredom talking, but I had a hard time putting the book down tonight when I tried to go to bed earlier. After I finish this post, I plan to continue reading it until I may (or may not) fall asleep again.

In the morning, as you probably know, I teach, but can come home again directly afterwards. If I don't get any real quality sleep tonight, I can at least sleep then. I'm lucky that my three-day work week, despite the fact that two of those days are very long ones, seems to go a lot faster than my "weekends."

I don't know if I mentioned it here before except in passing, but I wrote the $750 deposit repayment check to the former girlfriend last week. She sent me a message tonight telling me that she'll more than likely be going to her parents' this coming weekend, which means she'll be able to deposit it (her bank has no branches here in Wichita or the surrounding area, much like my own). As I've been expecting the hit to my bank account and indeed have been bracing for it, I am even more grateful that we get paid again on Friday. My paycheck should stifle the brunt of it, which is good -- I still have to renew my car's registration this month, as well as pay all of the normal bills and rent. My budget is going to be operating lightly for the next several weeks, as I have no other real choice in the matter, to be honest. I must allow a few paychecks to accumulate before I buy anything extraneous like a new lawnmower or vacuum, especially since I don't really need either one right this moment. Even with the student loan I received a month ago, it's not like I have a ton of money to work with, and the vast, vast majority of all of my money goes into gas for the car as well as bills/rent. Sometimes it sucks living alone and being poor, as you could probably imagine.

On that note, I'm going to continue trying to read my book and eventually fall back asleep. I've set the alarm on my phone, so if I do fall asleep, I'll still get up on time.