The Unboxing!

So, at 7:40 this morning (read: less than an hour ago) I warmed up the Monte Carlo, ungaraged her, and made my way to the post office.

This is what I came back with:


Yes, though it is on my coffee table, note the size of Maggie (the cat) to the left below it. Maggie is not a small cat. She is, in fact, the largest of the three now that she's getting fat in the winter, and probably close to twenty pounds. Also, note that yes, I did digitally remove all identifying addresses and info other than my own name...which all of you folks know anyway.

The box was sealed with what can only be described as massive amounts of clear packing tape, in a criss-cross pattern (you can see it in the photo above). It took the sharpest of my new carving/steak knife set to penetrate it, as it was layered and taped on every edge as well. Once I got the box open and removed the layer of bubble wrap (!) my mother packed to insulate things, this is what I found:

Please note -- that's just the top layer of the stuff in the box, and already I'm impressed. Two gallon-size ziploc bags of chex mix (one regular, one "spicy"), and a ton of snack-size bags of Utz chips and cheese puffs.

Neither of these things can I get out here; Utz is a regional brand, and I've never seen it west of the Mississippi River. However, their website lets you order chips/snacks from them anywhere in the United States. Also, obviously, I can't get my mother's chex mix unless she sends it to me or I go home to visit.

Hmm, I thought. I can't imagine what else is in there. Let's see.

Upon removing the top layer, this is what was underneath. I about peed myself:

...Holy crap, parents. Clockwise from left: two loaves of D'Annunzio's bread, an Abruzzino's pepperoni roll, a bag of Gevalia Kaffe French Roast coffee, a D'Annunzio's pepperoni roll, two cans of Vegetable Beef soup, a box each of cordial cherries and cordial blueberries (!), a few little single-pot packs of coffee, two huge bags of beef jerky, two Slim Jims, and a mess of tea bags.

I didn't even know they made cordial blueberries. That. Sounds awesome. I'll be eating those first. The bread loaves have already been put in the freezer to preserve them (that bread molds quickly if it's left out, and it's been in the box since Saturday).

I thought this would be all. Oh, no. No no no. My parents outdid themselves this year. There was a third layer. Behold:

Underneath everything else there was more tea, my mail, and then...this. This haul of obscene amounts of candy, including my three favorite candy bars ever, pictured above. In that order, too. Good grief! This is a ton of stuff. A ton.

Here's the final tally of everything that was in the box, piece by piece:

1. Eight assorted snack bags of Utz chips/cheese curls
2. Two gallon bags of homemade chex mix
3. One 12oz. bag of Gevalia Kaffe French Roast coffee
4. One box cordial cherries
5. One box cordial blueberries
6. One 3.25oz bag of Jack Link's beef jerky
7. One 3.25oz bag of Jack Link's Teriyaki beef jerky
8. Two full-size Slim Jims
9. One 4oz. "Tortuga Caribbean Rum Cake" (shit yes), boxed
10. Two cans Campbell's Vegetable Beef Soup
11. One D'Annunzio's pepperoni roll (2oz.)
12. One Abruzzino's pepperoni roll with cheese (6oz.)
13. Two full loaves of D'Annunzio's "GIANT" Italian bread
14. One pack Giant Eagle Market District "Breakfast Blend" coffee (2.5oz.)
15. One pack Millstone "Colombian Supremo" coffee (1.75oz.)
16. One pack Frangelico coffee (2oz.)
17. Ten tea bags, assorted flavors (mostly Green Tea w/ Pomegranate, mmm)
18. Two packs of chocolate-and-sprinkles-dipped pretzel rods
19. Two king-size Zero bars
20. One king-size Payday bar
21. One king-size Heath bar
22. One pack of Skittles "Riddles," where the colors don't match the flavor
23. Twenty-two assorted pieces of candy
24. Three magazines and one postcard I'd gotten in the mail there.

Hoo boy. I hope I didn't forget anything. That's a LOT of stuff.

So yeah, this is awesome. I guess my parents took the whole "I'm half starving myself because I'm poor" thing to heart this year, because...well, damn.

So there you go, folks. That's the box. Now I have to go put all this stuff away in its proper places, and keep it away from the cats at the same time. Farewell!