Exhaustion

Spring semester: day thirty

It really seems like more of the semester has passed than actually has. It's around this time in any given semester that time seems to just. begin. dragging. on. Because of that, despite the fact that I've basically had an unexpected week off due to the car issues, I'm exhausted and really tired again all the time.

Please note: this is not necessarily a bad thing. The causes of my exhaustion are wide and far-reaching, but not necessarily bad. In fact, one of those causes has been exceptionally good. I've just been overly tired, overworked in some regards, and have been functioning for going on two weeks now with very little sleep. All of this, really, I'm pretty okay with. I'm still awake, alert, functional, paying my bills and going to school (when the car doesn't die on me, that is), and I've been me. Just a more-tired version of me. While I am in incredibly good spirits about everything going on right now (things which I will, eventually, shed a little light on, so be patient), I am still really tired. It's a good tired, though.

It's a Monday and I've been awake since 6AM. This may not be surprising or unusual for a lot of you, but keep in mind I'm off on Mondays. I usually sleep until around noon or 1 on Mondays, so being awake before dawn is really jarring to me on a Monday morning. Now that I've said that, watch me have to teach on Monday/Wednesday next semester at 8AM. Or, hopefully, I won't have to teach at all.

Y'see, amongst all of the other things I must do this week, I must ready my application for the department fellowship. I've mentioned the fellowship here before, briefly. The department usually awards two every year, one to a poet and one to a fiction writer. Sometimes they give out three, but that's a rare occasion. If you apply for and win the fellowship, it's basically a free ride for a year -- yes, you will be required to pay in-state tuition, but you get a paycheck (it balances out to a little bit more per month than a normal GTA makes), your own office (usually) and the bonus of not teaching for a full year -- which gives the fellow more time to work on his/her craft. For me, if I win it, I will be spending a lot of the extra time I have on finishing my coursework and reading/studying somewhat for comps. But, to win it, one must apply. And the application deadline is Friday.

I've known that the application deadline is Friday for several days now, probably about a week, actually. I just haven't yet put together a "packet" of sorts for the application. Poets are supposed to include 5-6 poems, I believe, or something like that. While I've been creating what I would consider exemplary work (for the most part) during the past year or so, I'm not sure any of it's good enough to win the fellowship. I'm really negatively biased about my own writing, though -- stuff that I think is really good other people end up hating, and vice-versa. I've tried to pare down my style quite a bit, make it more barebones and build from there, but I'm not sure how successful I've been in doing so. I think one of the reasons I was passed over for it last year was because everyone else who applied was just so good, and indeed the poetry fellow who won completely deserved to win. But I also think a large part of it was that all of my works then were just so unpolished, in so many different styles, wordy, etc. I've tried to completely revamp my entire writing style as well as the mindset I go into when I write poetry, and sometimes it's more effective than others. Regardless, if I want even a chance at winning the fellowship for my third year, I have to hastily ready an application sometime this week and drop it off in the department office. That I will probably at least attempt to work on this afternoon, as I have a bit of free time.

The "week off" has brought to light an interesting scenario. I mentioned previously that about 80% of the department is going to the AWP conference this week; it starts on Wednesday. I may have also mentioned previously that because of this, all of the classes I'm taking are canceled this week, aside from my practicum session with the English 102 director and my last meeting with our visiting poet this semester. My classes that I'll be teaching, of course, are still in session, and they need to be now more than ever since my car blew up last week. I'm starting a new unit in my class on Thursday (as well as collecting papers), so it's rather important I be there this week regardless of whether I have classes of my own or not. Because of my schedule, on Tuesdays and Wednesdays I always have a ton of other stuff going on aside from classes. Tomorrow, for example, I have afternoon office hours and my meeting with the visiting poet, and should make up my missed writing center hour as well. Wednesday? Office hours and practicum, if it's not canceled. And my normal writing center hour, which is sort of important if the department is shorthanded on that day. Which it probably will be.

Despite all of this stuff going on, I have still not finalized or filed my taxes. At all. Which is my other big task for the rest of the day. I have to get it done TODAY, because I need to renew my FAFSA form online for Flat State University by March 1st. That's Thursday. Even with a somewhat easier week, if I don't do all this stuff today, it's going to drive me nuts and I won't get it done before then. Plus, I still have students' workshop copies to look over/grade (a few, anyway) and will be getting a new, fresh stack of final copies to grade on Thursday. These next few weeks are going to be somewhat busy, I think.

But, things are going well. Things are going right in my life for once, for the time being. And I'm really happy about that. I just have to keep the ball rolling on everything that needs to be rolling without getting too strung-out or sleep-deprived. And even if I do, I need to keep going. What was the line from Frost? Promises to keep / Miles to go before I sleep? Yeah, it's like that.