New Chapters, Same Book

It's been a while since I've written here -- a full week -- and in that time, many things have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. Regardless, I should probably mention most of them here to clear up some stuff and/or to bring some other stuff to light.

First, I need to mention that Lady and I broke up.

Yeah, I know.

This happened a while ago, really, but it was finalized for good several days ago. It was amicable, with no argument or anything at the actual break-up. It's okay. I've been able to process it and deal with it in my own ways, and while that has at times been quite difficult, I'm okay. It had apparently been coming for a long time; the distance between us over the summer proved to be too difficult (as well as several other factors) and it became clear that while it would have been nice, there were too many things that made it evident that our relationship wouldn't exactly work out. Lady is a wonderful girl, though. I'll never wish her anything but the best, nor will I ever, have anything bad to say about her, because there wasn't anything bad to say. It just wasn't going to work, and I accept that. Sometimes things just don't work.

So, for the first time in several months, I am single again. It's a weird feeling; it's not one I'm not used to, of course, but it's still a little strange being completely back on my own. It's interesting, to say the least. Not good, but not totally bad, either. Just...different. I'm not sure, really, whether it's a good or bad different yet. I would imagine I'll be figuring that out more and more over the next few weeks and months. All I can do is keep plodding forward, even if that pace may be a slow one. I told one of my friends tonight, a friend who reads this blog and who also just broke up with her significant other, this:

I've been single a lot over the past year. All I can tell you? Be social. Embrace your friends, go out, enjoy things in life. Don't coop yourself up and let your depression and insecurities slowly eat away at you. That's the worst thing you can do. There are good times ahead. Everything may be shitty right now, but there are good times ahead. That is something that I always must keep believing myself, as well. It's sort of my life's mantra.

It's true, really, isn't it?

It's also something my best friend/sister Andrea has told me over the years, as well. I'm beginning to sound like her. Which can only be a good thing, I think, as she knows what she's talking about. The fact that things didn't work out with Lady is sad and disappointing on some level, yes, but I believe (to some extent at least) that everything happens for a reason. It may be difficult to understand or appreciate at times, but I believe that.

Anyway. Moving on.

My money problems are temporarily patched; I have received some help from my mother, which will get me through the rest of the month until I receive my first paycheck. Oh, I should probably update you on that as well -- I found out that my first check won't be on the 8th, but on the 22nd. Which threw me into absolute financial ruin as all of my bills are due before then. Obviously.

As much as I didn't want to, I had no choice but to ask my mother for help. I don't like asking for help; I really don't. I'm almost thirty, and I feel worthless/like a mooch/irresponsible/etc., which you know if you've been reading this blog for some time. However, this was unavoidable. This was me being unable to survive if I didn't ask for help. I simply had to. And I was lucky; my mother helped me out by giving me enough money to cover what needs to be covered this month until I am paid. While things will still be tight, I will indeed be able to manage and will be okay. It won't be pleasant, obviously, but I will be able to pay all of my bills. I'll have to put my car insurance on my credit card, but I can do that. I will also be paying my mother back once I can afford to do so, and as soon as I can afford to do so. That will probably be about two months from now. My paychecks for the summer, I've found, are going to be split into four different, equal ones -- June 22, July 6, July 20, and August 3. My pay is $1900 before taxes, for teaching the night class I teach. It is a class I will teach tonight, this time at the library on the main campus, for their "library activity day." Should be fun, and at least I don't have to drive all the way out to the west campus.

Teaching the class is pretty interesting; it shows the limitations of what I can cover in the span of less than three hours a week, all crammed into one night, and it also shows the limitations of what students can absorb in that timeframe. I've found myself dismissing a bit early most of the time, as it seems that's the way things will go for most of the semester. Still, I enjoy teaching it, even if it can be a bit of a pain or a bit of a long slog through a night's class. Next week, their first paper is due, so I'll be grading everything after that. It's a deceptively long semester; it seems long, but it's really not. They have a lot of work to do over those ten weeks, and it's my job to power them through all of it.

Other than those big things (which are, admittedly, big) not a whole lot is really going on. It's been relatively quiet here alone at the house, which is indeed a relief. I think I've had all the hectic-ness and emotionality I can stand for a while, and I'm really looking forward to just...being me, being here, being quiet, taking care of stuff I need to as it comes up, and living my life as it comes. Things will be frantic and a bit unstable as time goes on, but as time goes on I also think those times will pass as well. I've got the rest of the summer ahead of me. June is just beginning. I have a thesis to finish, for which I now have a lot more emotional material to write poetry for, and tomorrow I'll hopefully get to see Jay while I'm on campus. It'll be good to hang out with a friend for once.

I will also try to write here more often, and do more than sum up current events of the past week or so. I have the time, of course. I just don't always have the devotion, patience, or energy. My summer will be devoted to doing all of those things that require devotion, patience, and energy. I need to become the best person I can be, because nothing else is good enough for me. In some sense, that's a bit challenging, but in a much greater one? It's also rewarding.