Most of you who know me well know that the last two months or so have been far from a pleasure cruise, of sorts. In fact, they've pretty much been the exact opposite. Between the money issues and the dissolution of the relationship between Lady and I -- not to mention everything else that's been on my mind all summer -- it's probably no surprise to most of you that, ahem, things are not great.
That's not to say that things are bad, but here's an example: by this time yesterday I had gone about 40 hours or so without eating anything. That's not because I wasn't hungry or because I was on some sort of politically-motivated hunger strike -- it's because I had no food in the house aside from dry popcorn, packets of oatmeal, and canned vegetables -- and I'm trying to count down the days until I get paid, so I'm basically intentionally starving myself half the time. I can't help it. If I were to eat normally, my bank account would be empty. With nine more days to go until I get paid, I have to do things like this sometimes.
Yes, last night I did go to the store when I was done teaching, and I was able to get myself some food; hopefully, it's enough to last me until I get paid again and can assess all of my finances after the bills and rent are covered for the month. I'm not telling you folks this to throw myself a pity party or anything like that. I don't really care, to be honest. I'm saying this to perhaps elicit a little perspective, and to describe just how shitty life can be sometimes. Some people don't know how good they have it, and complain about things that are utterly meaningless. At least I have real reasons sometimes, but I rarely vocalize them.
I also realize how lucky I am, despite things constantly going wrong, or going from bad to worse. I realize this. I have many friends who would be willing to help me if I were to just ask, if I were to say the word, so to speak. I haven't done so not out of pride, but out of the fact that I do not want to burden anyone else with my problems or issues, because it's not their responsibility to take care of me -- in any sense of the phrase. Maybe in the situation of "all hope is otherwise lost" would I be inclined to burden anyone else with my issues, but for now most of them are temporary and shall be rectified within the next month or two, so none of them are huge issues. What I'm trying to say is that you people don't need to worry about me, seriously, I'll be fine.
Anyway.
In other news, I recently added this section to my OkCupid profile:
I have a lot of trouble understanding people's motives in why they do what they do, and why they say what they say. Because of that I am really cautious and very nervous in interpersonal interactions, especially at first, because I've been burned/hurt many times by people who say one thing and do another, or say that they really enjoy my company and then never talk to me again/disappear, for example. I want people in my life who will stick around, who want me for me, and who want me around for the person I am -- not for the person they want me to be or the person they think I should be.
I have added this section to my profile because, frankly, it needs to be there.
I should have added, at the end, "and I don't need people who will run away even if I'm 99% perfect for them simply because of that 1% that I'm not."
Over the course of my adventures on OkCupid in the past week or two, I have really only connected with, and messaged back and forth with, three women. One of them, curse my luck, is in Morgantown (yeah, go figure, hm?) and she's very sweet, but she will more than likely remain just a friend as she's moving to Norway within the next year or so. Yeah. Norway. She and I may have some mutual friends in and around town, but eh, I don't know. I think we'll become good friends, though, but seriously doubt either of us have any desire for anything more than that (or ever will) due to the distance involved. Curse my luck that she's exactly my type, too. Figures.
The other two are out here, either around the state or within a 100-mile radius or so.
Those two, after several days each of fascinating, great conversations both via the site and via phone or IM, basically dropped off the face of the earth or otherwise went into radio silence all of a sudden, when everything had been going nicely and I was getting to know them better. One of them even told me that she didn't want to get her hopes up about anything and wanted to stay realistic, etc etc, and then never said another word to me. The other? Just disappeared. Deleted me off friends' lists and the like, went quiet. Again, when everything was going really well both times, too, over the span of several days of good, nice, normal meaningful conversation with each one.
Neither of these instances, of course, were my fault. Like I said, everything was going wonderfully well, and then each of them just went really weird and disappeared, or (the more likely scenario) they found someone else more interesting than me to talk to, and I became yesterday's news. Of sorts.
It's things like this, reasons like this, why I've so rarely tried to open up to and get to know anyone throughout most of my life. The times I have? Yeah (obviously, if you know me), I've gotten burned. Sometimes, obviously, it took longer than others.
When it comes to OkCupid, or even meeting new people in general? Nobody bothers to put in any effort or attention span anymore, at least not longer than a day or two of random chatting back and forth via a website. Nobody seems to bother with anything but a first impression, or at least a first few days' impression. I at least have tried to put in the effort of getting to know someone, and I try to let them get to know me, even if it's so purely only going to be a friend and nothing else. I've never understood the concept of "Well, I'm done with you, time to never talk to you again, delete you from my life, and move on without saying anything else to you whatsoever, like you never existed." I mean, is this what the world's come to? Even if you've become friends with someone? It's so frustrating. It's part of why I feel like I'm becoming jaded and cynical in some respects. There's no common courtesy anymore, no mutual respect or understanding. And I'm so sick of being the kind of person who is very understanding, kind, and respectful, yet never experiences that in return. It's so disheartening, and that's probably why I have very, very few friends that I would call close, that I can talk to and tell everything to -- much less anyone I could trust anymore for anything more than a friendship.
I'd really like to believe that people are inherently good, that they're not cruel, judgmental, shallow or superficial, but that's becoming much harder by the day. And, as I've said for years, I'm getting too old for this shit. I've never claimed to be perfect, and never will, but I would like to think that despite all my little quirks and nerdery, I am somewhat normal. I've had some pretty bad shit happen to me over the years, both in my childhood and in my relationships, but you know what? Today, I'm pretty normal. I'm not crazy, I'm not psychotic, I'm just a guy. And I still have a really strong moral and ethical code and a sense of manners and decency. If I don't want to associate with someone, or don't want to talk to them anymore, I'll at least tell them why. I'm not sure anyone else does that anymore, and I've certainly not met a lot of people who have been through some of the stuff I've been through over the years who could call themselves "normal." Oh, they'd try, but they'd be so, so wrong.
That being said, places like OkCupid are apparently, as I said to my new friend in Morgantown, "swirling cesspools of despair and desperation," which tends to be pretty accurate most times. Like I said, I'm not perfect myself, and I'm not shallow and try not to judge people, but when I find search results like age 31, divorced, I have seven children and four horses who come first and take up all my time, so don't expect to be a priority, I become stunned and not so much disgusted as amazed that people like that actually exist.
Yes, that was an actual example.
"Wow, think of the shape her vagina must be in," was the first thing my Morgantown friend said when I told her of that search result.
See? Told you she was my type. Again, of course she has to be in my hometown now, when I'm 1,000 miles away from it.
Like I said, I'm not judgmental, but for fuck's sake, really? That's not so much bad as it is stunning that OkCupid apparently thinks someone with seven kids at 31 and four horses would be a good match for me. That's more than likely on the fault of their own algorithms, though.
I've tried to sit down and describe my "type" before, laying it all out in text to see if I can do it and construct the ideal mate, and I can't. I can do the physical stuff, the superficial stuff, but when it comes to stuff like personality, the only thing I can think of is "normal, not religious, not crazy." I can only think of the nots. I cannot picture the opposite, because everyone is different.
The stuff I can tell you, however, if you're interested?
Age: roughly 20 to 30, probably towards the younger end of that. I've found that women between the ages of 23-27 are usually the easiest to get along with; they're not cynical, brusque, or mean at that point yet because they're still mostly happy and idealistic. They've not been battle-hardened by the world for the most part yet, but they have already turned 21 and have had a few years to sow their wild oats and think about what kind of guy they really want.
Education/Intelligence: Matters a lot, but depends on circumstances, really. High school diploma, GED, bachelor's, master's, etc. I don't care. I just want you to be able to interact with me on an intellectual level of some sort, whether that intellectual level is discussing Foucault or being able to tell me where the bathroom is on the Enterprise. Please at least have some idea, however, of what you want out of life and how life in the real world actually works. If I can't sit down and have logical, interesting conversations with you about myriad things, then it doesn't matter how attracted I may be to you -- it just won't work.
Living status: Please, for fuck's sake, be single and living on your own, and not in your parents' house/basement/what-have-you. Have a job or be in school to get a good/better one. Have a car that is at least somewhat reliable. Be willing to drive and be able to stay here for weekends or longer trips if we live farther apart than, say, 50 miles, so that we can actually spend some time together.
Height: shorter than me. Don't care how much shorter, just shorter than me. I do like really short girls though. I'm 5'10", 5"11" on a good day. Short girls are hot.
Weight: 150-250ish. Not picky at all, but I really want you to have curves, not feel your bones when we cuddle, or when I hold you while we sleep. I'm not huge, but I am a big guy, so I don't want to worry about hurting you, and curvy women turn me on immensely. Screw the stick-thin ladies. Give me something to, ahem, hold on to.
Hair: Hopefully shoulder-length or much longer, but long hair isn't a requirement. Long hair is, however, really, really sexy. Color isn't important, but I really love natural redheads -- like, the carrot-orange (or more subtle) red hair, or strawberry-blonde-ish red hair is really hot. Overall, though, hair color is unimportant. I love all kinds of hair, straight, curly, frizzy, wavy, etc. It's all hot. I've been told I have a "hair fetish." This is probably true to some extent. Also? Don't style your hair to make it something that it's not; coloring/highlighting your hair is fine on occasion, of course, but don't use five pounds of product every day before you leave the house, or spend hours styling it. Let it be natural and free.
Style: I'm a t-shirt and shorts/khakis kind of guy who's looking for a t-shirt and shorts/skirts/dresses/jeans kind of girl. No frills, no high-end fashions or name-brand clothing required, and don't base your entire wardrobe around a certain designer, store, logo, brand, or clothing company just because it's trendy or popular. Don't spend hundreds of dollars per year on shoes. Wear comfortable clothes and shoes because that's what you want to do, because it suits you -- not because you're trying to impress anyone or because you're trying to make yourself feel "prettier" with your wardrobe. Trust me, you're fine. Eccentricity, however (like goth styles or hipster styles), in moderation, can be very hot though.
Sexual experience/dating experience/life experience: I don't particularly care as long as you're not a total, absolute prude who only looks upon sexual relations as "for procreation only," or, on the other end of the spectrum, a ditzy promiscuous flake. Don't look for a fling with me, because I'm not giving you one. I'm too old for that shit and I want something real, something that will last a long, long time. I'm also not looking to "date" you while you're also dating other people at the same time or looking for a one-night stand, nor on the other end of that spectrum am I looking for someone to tell me you want to marry me and have my babies on the first day I meet you. If you're divorced and/or have one or more children? Not a dealbreaker at all (of course not), but I do want to know these things. Duh. I'm also not into open relationships, I'm not interested in group sex, swinging, or "casual encounters." I am a committed, monogamous guy, and if you're going to be in a relationship with me I expect you to be committed and monogamous to me as well. This should go without saying, but these days I need to make it specific -- because, well, take a look at some women's profiles on OkCupid sometime. Yikes.
Other positive attributes: On the physical side? Freckles are hot. Paler skin tone is also hot. Glasses are really hot. If you "steal" my t-shirts, hoodies, boxer shorts, etc to wear yourself? That's also hot. Not caring that I smoke, or being a smoker yourself, would also be a plus. Being a big fan of coffee is almost mandatory. Tolerating the fact that I'm a nerd, and therefore do nerdy things like blog, read and adore comic books, play Pokemon, listen to podcasts, and wear lots and lots of nerdy clothing is also a massive plus and almost mandatory as well, even if you're not interested in any of those things -- but it would be wonderful if you were. Be accepting of the fact that I am a writer, and therefore will never be wealthy or completely successful in my own eyes. You must love cats. You also must love the fact that my cats will love you as well, even if the girls will take a little while to warm up to you, and you must realize that yes, they will sleep with us; I cannot stop them and wouldn't want to. Most importantly, having the capacity to love and be loved, to want the same things (or mostly the same things) out of love, life, and our relationship as I would is really, really something I look for. We have to be on the same page, we have to be able to communicate.
Now, here's the fun part...
Don't be (and I've made this a bulleted list):
- crazy
- hateful
- a drunk/drug user
- someone with "daddy issues"
- a depressing (or otherwise constantly cripplingly depressed) person, or
- conversely, an absolute optimist who never frowns
- screamy
- abusive
- flighty
- fighty
- shallow/superficial
- childish/prone to temper tantrums
- destructive
- self-destructive
- bitter
- jaded
- judgmental, prejudiced, or racist
- currently married or otherwise entangled
- incredibly right-wing Republican/Conservative
- an incredibly strong-willed feminist who hates men and "man things"
- filled with anger and/or resentment for anything or anyone
- mentally scarred/traumatized to where you'll never recover from some thing(s) that happened to you in your past, and will always let it affect every relationship you're in
- anti-marriage
- anti-children
- anti-cat
- anti-sex
- a "gun nut"
- a religious nutjob who will try to "turn me to Jesus," or
- someone who will try to change the person I am into the person you want me to be.
Seriously. Just be goddamned normal. It's really all I ask. Anything else I can deal with, but just be normal.
None of these things, however, except for that "don't be" section above, are absolute requirements. I'm just describing my type, my ideals. And I'm willing to sacrifice a large chunk of those here or there for the right woman. Well, okay, the committed monogamy thing is pretty damned important, and I won't sacrifice that. But, let me tell you, simple normality is hard to come by these days. I don't think anything on the "don't be" list above is too much to ask for. I know there are sane people out there, sane women who don't have any of those problems. There have to be people like that in general, right?
Yeah. But probably not here. Maybe in a part of the country that doesn't necessarily foster a seven-child, four-horse environment.
It's all just really frustrating that it's so hard to even make friends here, in this state, in this town, even in the university environment which I am part of for nine months (or more) out of any given year -- let alone find someone that I may eventually want to share my life with. I thought I had the latter (twice!) in this godforsaken part of the country known as the midwest, but I was apparently wrong.
Don't get too optimistic; I looked up the matches for around Morgantown as well -- where I will probably end up again after graduation if I have no reason to stay out here -- and they're just as depressing. Well, except for my new friend who lives there, but by the time I'd get back to town (if I do go back), she'd already be in Norway.
Again, just my luck, hm?
Between the loneliness, money issues, bad luck, lack of social interaction and the somewhat long-coming-but-still-disastrous end to the relationship I had with Lady, summer 2012 has just been spectacular so far, hasn't it?
Today is June 14. We are reaching the midpoint of the year 2012. I hope, for the sake of my sanity and happiness, that the second half of this year goes better than the first half. And I hope that by this time next year I will be content and happy with my life and all aspects of it, regardless of where I am, what I'm doing, or who I may be with.
It's thoughts and hopes like that which keep me going.
No comments:
Post a Comment