The majority of this past week has been really quiet, which (for once) is a plus. I have a lot of important things to take care of this summer, and I have been working on some of them -- or, at least, some of the lighter ones, such as giving the house a good cleaning.
The return to a solitary life (though it's been solitary for over a month now, really) is strangely freeing, but also strangely uncertain. It's allowed me to re-evaluate a lot of priorities, and has allowed me to draft out some life plans for the future, since my old ones (based around Lady) aren't exactly applicable anymore. Duh. Said plans are as just as scary or uncertain as they were before, but they may be a bit more...realistic now.
That's about as in-detail as I want to go, really, but I will tell you this: I re-opened my OkCupid profile this week and have since spent the past several days revamping it and adding to it.
I told my friends Shainna and Andrea that this seemed like a logical step, of course. I am in my house in Newton 95% of the time, with the other 5% being when I teach my once-weekly class on the west campus or when I go out to get a bare minimum of groceries to last me another week or two. Aside from my students/boss and Walmart cashiers -- plus my friend Jay on campus on Tuesday night -- I haven't had any face-to-face interaction with anyone in over a month. That is probably shocking to a lot of you, or sounds really strange to a lot of you, at least. But it's the truth. It's not that I'm an incredibly solitary person (well, okay, I can be at times), it's that I don't have the money to get out and do stuff, despite having the time to do it, and I certainly don't really know anyone here in town. Don't pity me for that or anything, really. It's just the way things are. So, I told Andrea and Shainna that reopening that OkCupid profile would be a way for me to at least meet new people, even if nothing came of it, and it would allow me to be social, be myself, and be friendly with like-minded people out there, most of them relatively close to me and in the same situation I am.
I'm sure that I don't have to remind you folks that OkCupid is how I met Lady. While that didn't work out and it wasn't destined to, it at least showed me that I am a desirable person that people want to be social with and want to be around. That in itself is a plus. The experience opened me up to being social and flirtatious again (well, to some extent) after my previous ex of six years broke up with me. So I see it all as a good thing. I sort of have this strange, zen-like mindset now where I'm thinking if something's meant to be, it's meant to be, and if it's not? it's just not. Regardless, that whole meant to be thing isn't going to come to pass if I don't "get out there" and be social again in some capacity, anyway, and I'm certainly not going to make any new friends, even, if I don't attempt to try.
Here's the thing, though. OkCupid is hit or miss for anything, even friends. I think most people who use the site are in the mindset that anyone who messages them is just looking for sex, a relationship, dates, etc. While that may be true for a lot of people, I keep my profile there to talk to new people with similar interests more than anything else. No, I wouldn't be opposed to finding a new partner there, certainly not -- it's kind of the overall point of the site, as the word "cupid" is in the name -- but I'm so not the kind of person to be like "Hey, you're hot, let's date a few times and bone." I'm just not. As hard as it is for me to admit, I'm a bit wounded from my past relationships, and I'm a bit cautious. Okay, very cautious. The site is, though, hit or miss. You'll throw out a lot of proverbial slings and arrows before you hit something and it sticks because of the mindset so many users have. Apparently they're really cautious too.
Or they read my profile, think "good lord, what a nerdy fuck," and run away.
A little from column A, a little from column B, perhaps?
I have, however, found at least two people I know who have profiles on the site. Which gives me a little hope -- hope that I'm not, of course, the only one out there who had this idea. And no, I'm not going to approach either of them, duh. I'm not stupid, and I'm really not interested anyway. On some level, though, it is sort of amusing.
However, I'm getting off track.
One of the really neat features of the site (and I'm not sure if other sites like it use the same sort of algorithms or methods, because I've never used others) is that it asks you an endless amount of questions, like an extended personality test. You can answer as many or as few of them as you'd like, but the more you answer, the more the site can match your personality with someone like you. I've answered over 2,100 of them (yes, 2,100, that's not a typo) because they're fun. Some of them are amusing, some of them are serious, and some of them are completely batshit off the wall.
There is one, however, that particularly struck me and stuck in my head, and it was something along the lines of Would it be easier for you to make a list of qualities you want in a partner, or qualities you DON'T want in a partner?
I kind of stopped in my tracks, because there were only those two choices, and not an "I don't know" option. Which, really, is my honest answer. I'm not sure. I don't have a list of requirements or anything, but I do know on a basic level what I'd like. I also know what I don't like and want no part of. So that question was quite difficult to answer. I did, finally, pick the bubble of "qualities I DON'T want" and moved on, just to answer the question, but the concept of both lists stuck with me.
No, I'm not going to make those lists here. That would be exceedingly narcissistic of me. But it did make me think. What do I really want, not only out of a relationship, but out of life? Do I want someone to come home to or go out with? Yes. Do I want children? Yes. Do I care whether a prospective mate already has kids? No, of course not. That could actually be a bonus. I've just been thinking about all sorts of things as of late, because my mind actually has the free time/space to think for once.
I've been told before (I won't say by whom) that I don't know where I'm going in life, that I don't know where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to do after I get my MFA.
Well, yes, to some extent that's true. But does anyone truly know where they're going in life? Even people my age or older? I'm not sure anyone really does. Yeah, most people have some sort of rough plan, or they at least plan to continue doing what they're doing now until they can no longer do so, but how many people just don't exactly know? I know I have a rough plan of trying to get some sort of teaching position or editing position somewhere while I work on getting my books published, but that doesn't mean I'll accomplish those things. I'm a realist. I have goals, but I also understand that some goals may be unattainable or otherwise almost impossible to achieve. Anyone who says "I'm going to do _________ no matter what!" is foolish and amazingly shortsighted -- just look at how many broken people there are out there, people who once had dreams until they realized those dreams would never be fulfilled. There are always obstacles to overcome, and it's best to be realistic. The same sort of realism extends to interpersonal relationships, as well. Nobody's going to be perfect. No situation is ever going to be perfect. We have to make the best of what we have or what we can find, and that's all there really is to it. It's not "settling," it's not "giving up," it's being realistic.
To those ends, when it comes to life I've become brutally honest with myself. And I've also been brutally honest on my OkCupid profile (bet you were wondering how I was going to wrap back around to that, hm?). Those of you who know me well already know that I'm an open book. I don't hide anything from anyone, and I have no reason to. I'm certainly not going to be mysterious with people who may become new friends or something more. There's no point to it. I'm an honest and open person. That's just me.
I wrote on my Twitter this evening that someone needs to put together a "Horrors of OkCupid" website, since there are so many scary folks on there with unrealistic expectations. Seriously. Ladies, just a tip: putting "you must be good in bed" on your self-summary, which is the first thing people see on your profile, is probably a bad idea if you're also looking for "life-long love."
I have sent messages to a few ladies on there, though. Nice ones, sweet ones. I won't lie. Only one has replied, and we've started a friendship. She's very nice and we have a lot in common, so at least I've made one new friend. If more comes of it, it would be nice (really nice, actually, as I like her a lot as a person), but if not, well, at least I have a new friend to talk to with like-minded interests. You folks know me. I go with the flow, etc. What happens, happens.
Other than that, I've been keeping quiet and keeping to myself for the most part. I've been working on my thesis a little more this week, fine-tuning parts of it here and there before adding more to it. I don't know when I'm going to have a finished draft copy of it ready, but I assume it would be sometime within the next few weeks or so if I keep working on it at a steady pace. The thought of finishing a draft of my thesis isn't something I take lightly; it basically means that half of my work is done when it comes to getting ready to graduate. Which is, of course, definitely a plus.
The other half, studying for comps? Yeah, I haven't even touched my reading list. Haven't looked at it in a year or so. I can't afford half the books on it anyhow, and it's not like I've read any of them yet, so I would imagine I'll be stuck basically cramming for comps in the month or two leading up to them -- or at least reading enough to get by, to be honest with you. It's not incredibly high on my list of priorities, to tell you the truth. It's just not. I've got enough to worry about and take care of right now, and I can only take care of so many things at one time. This month it's my thesis, teaching, and paying the bills/affording groceries with what little money I have, and that's me being completely honest with you folks.
I'm sure over the next few weeks things will progress and get more interesting, and when they do, I'll be sure to let you folks in on things. Until then, my friends.
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