Slings and Arrows

The majority of this past week has been really quiet, which (for once) is a plus. I have a lot of important things to take care of this summer, and I have been working on some of them -- or, at least, some of the lighter ones, such as giving the house a good cleaning.

The return to a solitary life (though it's been solitary for over a month now, really) is strangely freeing, but also strangely uncertain. It's allowed me to re-evaluate a lot of priorities, and has allowed me to draft out some life plans for the future, since my old ones (based around Lady) aren't exactly applicable anymore. Duh. Said plans are as just as scary or uncertain as they were before, but they may be a bit more...realistic now.

That's about as in-detail as I want to go, really, but I will tell you this: I re-opened my OkCupid profile this week and have since spent the past several days revamping it and adding to it.

I told my friends Shainna and Andrea that this seemed like a logical step, of course. I am in my house in Newton 95% of the time, with the other 5% being when I teach my once-weekly class on the west campus or when I go out to get a bare minimum of groceries to last me another week or two. Aside from my students/boss and Walmart cashiers -- plus my friend Jay on campus on Tuesday night -- I haven't had any face-to-face interaction with anyone in over a month. That is probably shocking to a lot of you, or sounds really strange to a lot of you, at least. But it's the truth. It's not that I'm an incredibly solitary person (well, okay, I can be at times), it's that I don't have the money to get out and do stuff, despite having the time to do it, and I certainly don't really know anyone here in town. Don't pity me for that or anything, really. It's just the way things are. So, I told Andrea and Shainna that reopening that OkCupid profile would be a way for me to at least meet new people, even if nothing came of it, and it would allow me to be social, be myself, and be friendly with like-minded people out there, most of them relatively close to me and in the same situation I am.

I'm sure that I don't have to remind you folks that OkCupid is how I met Lady. While that didn't work out and it wasn't destined to, it at least showed me that I am a desirable person that people want to be social with and want to be around. That in itself is a plus. The experience opened me up to being social and flirtatious again (well, to some extent) after my previous ex of six years broke up with me. So I see it all as a good thing. I sort of have this strange, zen-like mindset now where I'm thinking if something's meant to be, it's meant to be, and if it's not? it's just not. Regardless, that whole meant to be thing isn't going to come to pass if I don't "get out there" and be social again in some capacity, anyway, and I'm certainly not going to make any new friends, even, if I don't attempt to try.

Here's the thing, though. OkCupid is hit or miss for anything, even friends. I think most people who use the site are in the mindset that anyone who messages them is just looking for sex, a relationship, dates, etc. While that may be true for a lot of people, I keep my profile there to talk to new people with similar interests more than anything else. No, I wouldn't be opposed to finding a new partner there, certainly not -- it's kind of the overall point of the site, as the word "cupid" is in the name -- but I'm so not the kind of person to be like "Hey, you're hot, let's date a few times and bone." I'm just not. As hard as it is for me to admit, I'm a bit wounded from my past relationships, and I'm a bit cautious. Okay, very cautious. The site is, though, hit or miss. You'll throw out a lot of proverbial slings and arrows before you hit something and it sticks because of the mindset so many users have. Apparently they're really cautious too.

Or they read my profile, think "good lord, what a nerdy fuck," and run away.

A little from column A, a little from column B, perhaps?

I have, however, found at least two people I know who have profiles on the site. Which gives me a little hope -- hope that I'm not, of course, the only one out there who had this idea. And no, I'm not going to approach either of them, duh. I'm not stupid, and I'm really not interested anyway. On some level, though, it is sort of amusing.

However, I'm getting off track.

One of the really neat features of the site (and I'm not sure if other sites like it use the same sort of algorithms or methods, because I've never used others) is that it asks you an endless amount of questions, like an extended personality test. You can answer as many or as few of them as you'd like, but the more you answer, the more the site can match your personality with someone like you. I've answered over 2,100 of them (yes, 2,100, that's not a typo) because they're fun. Some of them are amusing, some of them are serious, and some of them are completely batshit off the wall.

There is one, however, that particularly struck me and stuck in my head, and it was something along the lines of Would it be easier for you to make a list of qualities you want in a partner, or qualities you DON'T want in a partner?

I kind of stopped in my tracks, because there were only those two choices, and not an "I don't know" option. Which, really, is my honest answer. I'm not sure. I don't have a list of requirements or anything, but I do know on a basic level what I'd like. I also know what I don't like and want no part of. So that question was quite difficult to answer. I did, finally, pick the bubble of "qualities I DON'T want" and moved on, just to answer the question, but the concept of both lists stuck with me.

No, I'm not going to make those lists here. That would be exceedingly narcissistic of me. But it did make me think. What do I really want, not only out of a relationship, but out of life? Do I want someone to come home to or go out with? Yes. Do I want children? Yes. Do I care whether a prospective mate already has kids? No, of course not. That could actually be a bonus. I've just been thinking about all sorts of things as of late, because my mind actually has the free time/space to think for once.

I've been told before (I won't say by whom) that I don't know where I'm going in life, that I don't know where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to do after I get my MFA.

Well, yes, to some extent that's true. But does anyone truly know where they're going in life? Even people my age or older? I'm not sure anyone really does. Yeah, most people have some sort of rough plan, or they at least plan to continue doing what they're doing now until they can no longer do so, but how many people just don't exactly know? I know I have a rough plan of trying to get some sort of teaching position or editing position somewhere while I work on getting my books published, but that doesn't mean I'll accomplish those things. I'm a realist. I have goals, but I also understand that some goals may be unattainable or otherwise almost impossible to achieve. Anyone who says "I'm going to do _________ no matter what!" is foolish and amazingly shortsighted -- just look at how many broken people there are out there, people who once had dreams until they realized those dreams would never be fulfilled. There are always obstacles to overcome, and it's best to be realistic. The same sort of realism extends to interpersonal relationships, as well. Nobody's going to be perfect. No situation is ever going to be perfect. We have to make the best of what we have or what we can find, and that's all there really is to it. It's not "settling," it's not "giving up," it's being realistic.

To those ends, when it comes to life I've become brutally honest with myself. And I've also been brutally honest on my OkCupid profile (bet you were wondering how I was going to wrap back around to that, hm?). Those of you who know me well already know that I'm an open book. I don't hide anything from anyone, and I have no reason to. I'm certainly not going to be mysterious with people who may become new friends or something more. There's no point to it. I'm an honest and open person. That's just me.

I wrote on my Twitter this evening that someone needs to put together a "Horrors of OkCupid" website, since there are so many scary folks on there with unrealistic expectations. Seriously. Ladies, just a tip: putting "you must be good in bed" on your self-summary, which is the first thing people see on your profile, is probably a bad idea if you're also looking for "life-long love."

I have sent messages to a few ladies on there, though. Nice ones, sweet ones. I won't lie. Only one has replied, and we've started a friendship. She's very nice and we have a lot in common, so at least I've made one new friend. If more comes of it, it would be nice (really nice, actually, as I like her a lot as a person), but if not, well, at least I have a new friend to talk to with like-minded interests. You folks know me. I go with the flow, etc. What happens, happens.

Other than that, I've been keeping quiet and keeping to myself for the most part. I've been working on my thesis a little more this week, fine-tuning parts of it here and there before adding more to it. I don't know when I'm going to have a finished draft copy of it ready, but I assume it would be sometime within the next few weeks or so if I keep working on it at a steady pace. The thought of finishing a draft of my thesis isn't something I take lightly; it basically means that half of my work is done when it comes to getting ready to graduate. Which is, of course, definitely a plus.

The other half, studying for comps? Yeah, I haven't even touched my reading list. Haven't looked at it in a year or so. I can't afford half the books on it anyhow, and it's not like I've read any of them yet, so I would imagine I'll be stuck basically cramming for comps in the month or two leading up to them -- or at least reading enough to get by, to be honest with you. It's not incredibly high on my list of priorities, to tell you the truth. It's just not. I've got enough to worry about and take care of right now, and I can only take care of so many things at one time. This month it's my thesis, teaching, and paying the bills/affording groceries with what little money I have, and that's me being completely honest with you folks.

I'm sure over the next few weeks things will progress and get more interesting, and when they do, I'll be sure to let you folks in on things. Until then, my friends.

New Chapters, Same Book

It's been a while since I've written here -- a full week -- and in that time, many things have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. Regardless, I should probably mention most of them here to clear up some stuff and/or to bring some other stuff to light.

First, I need to mention that Lady and I broke up.

Yeah, I know.

This happened a while ago, really, but it was finalized for good several days ago. It was amicable, with no argument or anything at the actual break-up. It's okay. I've been able to process it and deal with it in my own ways, and while that has at times been quite difficult, I'm okay. It had apparently been coming for a long time; the distance between us over the summer proved to be too difficult (as well as several other factors) and it became clear that while it would have been nice, there were too many things that made it evident that our relationship wouldn't exactly work out. Lady is a wonderful girl, though. I'll never wish her anything but the best, nor will I ever, have anything bad to say about her, because there wasn't anything bad to say. It just wasn't going to work, and I accept that. Sometimes things just don't work.

So, for the first time in several months, I am single again. It's a weird feeling; it's not one I'm not used to, of course, but it's still a little strange being completely back on my own. It's interesting, to say the least. Not good, but not totally bad, either. Just...different. I'm not sure, really, whether it's a good or bad different yet. I would imagine I'll be figuring that out more and more over the next few weeks and months. All I can do is keep plodding forward, even if that pace may be a slow one. I told one of my friends tonight, a friend who reads this blog and who also just broke up with her significant other, this:

I've been single a lot over the past year. All I can tell you? Be social. Embrace your friends, go out, enjoy things in life. Don't coop yourself up and let your depression and insecurities slowly eat away at you. That's the worst thing you can do. There are good times ahead. Everything may be shitty right now, but there are good times ahead. That is something that I always must keep believing myself, as well. It's sort of my life's mantra.

It's true, really, isn't it?

It's also something my best friend/sister Andrea has told me over the years, as well. I'm beginning to sound like her. Which can only be a good thing, I think, as she knows what she's talking about. The fact that things didn't work out with Lady is sad and disappointing on some level, yes, but I believe (to some extent at least) that everything happens for a reason. It may be difficult to understand or appreciate at times, but I believe that.

Anyway. Moving on.

My money problems are temporarily patched; I have received some help from my mother, which will get me through the rest of the month until I receive my first paycheck. Oh, I should probably update you on that as well -- I found out that my first check won't be on the 8th, but on the 22nd. Which threw me into absolute financial ruin as all of my bills are due before then. Obviously.

As much as I didn't want to, I had no choice but to ask my mother for help. I don't like asking for help; I really don't. I'm almost thirty, and I feel worthless/like a mooch/irresponsible/etc., which you know if you've been reading this blog for some time. However, this was unavoidable. This was me being unable to survive if I didn't ask for help. I simply had to. And I was lucky; my mother helped me out by giving me enough money to cover what needs to be covered this month until I am paid. While things will still be tight, I will indeed be able to manage and will be okay. It won't be pleasant, obviously, but I will be able to pay all of my bills. I'll have to put my car insurance on my credit card, but I can do that. I will also be paying my mother back once I can afford to do so, and as soon as I can afford to do so. That will probably be about two months from now. My paychecks for the summer, I've found, are going to be split into four different, equal ones -- June 22, July 6, July 20, and August 3. My pay is $1900 before taxes, for teaching the night class I teach. It is a class I will teach tonight, this time at the library on the main campus, for their "library activity day." Should be fun, and at least I don't have to drive all the way out to the west campus.

Teaching the class is pretty interesting; it shows the limitations of what I can cover in the span of less than three hours a week, all crammed into one night, and it also shows the limitations of what students can absorb in that timeframe. I've found myself dismissing a bit early most of the time, as it seems that's the way things will go for most of the semester. Still, I enjoy teaching it, even if it can be a bit of a pain or a bit of a long slog through a night's class. Next week, their first paper is due, so I'll be grading everything after that. It's a deceptively long semester; it seems long, but it's really not. They have a lot of work to do over those ten weeks, and it's my job to power them through all of it.

Other than those big things (which are, admittedly, big) not a whole lot is really going on. It's been relatively quiet here alone at the house, which is indeed a relief. I think I've had all the hectic-ness and emotionality I can stand for a while, and I'm really looking forward to just...being me, being here, being quiet, taking care of stuff I need to as it comes up, and living my life as it comes. Things will be frantic and a bit unstable as time goes on, but as time goes on I also think those times will pass as well. I've got the rest of the summer ahead of me. June is just beginning. I have a thesis to finish, for which I now have a lot more emotional material to write poetry for, and tomorrow I'll hopefully get to see Jay while I'm on campus. It'll be good to hang out with a friend for once.

I will also try to write here more often, and do more than sum up current events of the past week or so. I have the time, of course. I just don't always have the devotion, patience, or energy. My summer will be devoted to doing all of those things that require devotion, patience, and energy. I need to become the best person I can be, because nothing else is good enough for me. In some sense, that's a bit challenging, but in a much greater one? It's also rewarding.

Strange Times Again

I apologize for not writing here more often, my friends; I've been really busy as of late and have been taking care of a lot of important things one after another. This includes paying the rent and what bills I can as they come in, all the while budgeting very hard so that I'm not completely out of money before I get paid again (something that may be a distinct possibility anyhow), talking/writing to Lady, working on my thesis, and working on stuff for my students in my summer class.

I suppose I should start with the summer class stuff first, as for the moment, it's one of the biggest issues I have to deal with. My summer class meets once a week, on Tuesday nights, from 6:30 to 9:20. If you think that a class that meets once a week really wouldn't require a lot of work or prep from the instructor before he teaches it, you would be sadly mistaken. The convenience of teaching one night a week creates many more inconveniences around it, including the fact that it's not on the main campus, but the west campus (as mentioned before), meaning that anything I need to print/make copies of before class must be done before I teach. Today (as it's almost 2AM), this will entail me getting to my office on the main campus in about twelve hours or so, printing/making copies of all this stuff, and then getting back in my car to drive to the west campus for class tonight before I can come home. While that's not necessarily difficult, of course, it's just another added layer to the stuff I have to do in order to teach this class.

As I've not written here since before I taught my first night class last week, I will say that for the most part, the students seem engaged and happy to be there (well, I don't know about happy, but they're ready to work), and they realize that this will be an accelerated course with an accelerated schedule, with a paper due every two or three weeks. Their first one is due on June 12, and I'm giving them the literature/the assignment for it tonight, as well as taking them to the library for next week's class. However, and this is interesting to note -- only 13 or my 25 enrolled students showed up to class last Tuesday night. I'm guessing the rest either forgot they'd enrolled in a summer course, or will end up dropping it (because if they don't, they'll fail, obviously). It should be interesting to see, as the summer progresses, how many of them stick around.

As for other things going on? Well...

There are a lot of private matters I don't write about on the blog for obvious reasons, most of them involving myself or my friends and family. While I am an open book to most people in my life I really care about (so, all like, fifteen of you), on my blog here I am a fairly private person if I can be. I don't gossip or tell other people's stories or anything like that here -- I just write about me. And even if there are things going on around me at times, I won't write about them here until I have the benefit of hindsight, if at all. Because of that, this summer I've found that I've become a fairly reclusive person, though it's not as much by choice as it is by circumstance, summer heat (already, yes) and being very, very poor. Also, when I'm home, poor, and it's very quiet, I tend to think about lots of things that keep me awake in the middle of the night, as I actually have time to think about all of those things. As much as I like the majority of my time being free, those things and the fact that I have no money constantly eat at me during the summer, and therefore make my summer really, really suck. 

Not to mention the fact that it's almost 100 degrees every day, too. Ahem. Yes.

I haven't gotten to talk to Lady much over the past week or so, and I was worried about her because she'd been quiet. I did talk to her on Saturday and yesterday, though, and she's fine. Back home with her family, taking care of the household stuff there, about to start work in two weeks or so. I was hoping we'd be able to see each other again before she started work, but at this juncture that appears to be not only time-prohibitive, but cost-prohibitive as well. I wanted to order her train tickets or Moneygram her some gas money for her car -- which I could and may still do, I don't know -- but the window for her to be able to visit me this summer shortens with each passing day, and is complicated by my teaching and her being able to get back in time to start work. This obviously dismays each of us to a large extent, but I'm not sure there's a whole lot that can be done about it at this point. She'll be working from the middle of June to the middle of August with no real breaks, so we'll have to deal with whatever happens (or doesn't happen), I suppose.

Jay sent me a text yesterday afternoon saying that Rae is catching a train out of Newton on Thursday night, and wanted to know if I was up for hanging out and shootin' the shit with them that afternoon and evening. While I am totally up for it, there are so many background variables going on right now that I don't know exactly if I'll be able to do it. Most of these are, again, things that I can't exactly write about here, but I will say that for the most part, it's nothing bad. It's just stuff I have to take care of and stuff that needs to be done. Because of this, I've not yet replied to his text and probably won't until at least this evening. Also, it's not like I have the money to go out and do anything fun, really. I barely have money for groceries at this point.

I should probably go into that too, a little bit anyway. I'm pretty much broke, folks. The entirety of my paycheck on Friday -- the last paycheck of the spring semester -- went into my rent, as did about $100 more. My groceries two nights ago were purchased on my Amazon credit card, as I don't have enough money in my bank account now to buy groceries or put gas in my car and pay the bills as they come in. I still have a credit card with a $500 limit that I've never used -- I've saved it for emergencies like if the car blows a major part, or if I have to very quickly get back home on a flight or train (or if Lady has to do the same), which, if I have no alternative and don't get help from my parents, will probably have to go towards paying my car insurance at the end of June. Even when it's incredibly hot outside (and it has been, already), I can't run my air conditioner more than an hour or two per night, and only when I absolutely need to, like when it's 95 upstairs in the house, because I can't afford the electric bill it creates. My life right now sucks, folks. I can't afford anything and I can't even go out and have any fun (like to see a movie or to go to McDonald's for dinner for something different) because I don't even have the spare cash for that. Two bags of food for the cats, which will feed them for about two months or so, was $19, and I almost cried at that. Yeah. That's how bad my money situation is. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the rest of the summer, folks. I can't charge my rent to a credit card, and even if I could, my credit card wouldn't cover all of it. I have about 75 days to go before I get my fall student loans -- money that I desperately, desperately need right now, not 75 days from now. I don't need more credit cards or gift cards or even actual cash -- I need to find a way to somehow get more money into my bank account, and soon. I don't know when the first summer pay will clear for us summer GTAs -- I've been told that it's June 8, and that there will be no interruption in our normal pay cycles, but who knows if that will actually be true or if it will clear on time. I guess, really, for the most part I am just really nervous, not only about that but about a lot of different things.

In the meantime, in the rest of my overnight and morning hours, I need to continue to drink coffee and ready my lesson plans for my students this evening, take a shower, and try not to think too much about the troubling things. That's about all I can really do right now.

Life, or Some Semblance Anyway

The past week has been quiet. Really, really quiet.

Most of the time this is not, repeat, not a good thing. This time around it isn't either. Here's a brief rundown of what's happened in the past week since I last wrote a post here, as a lot has gone down in that time:

1. First and foremost, I did not go to Lady's graduation; this is probably good, as she told me she'd had an absolutely hellish weekend with her mother and aunt anyway, and that her graduation day was one of the worst days of her life. While my presence probably could have helped ease tensions between the three ladies, it could've exacerbated things further as well, so yes, it is probably good that I wasn't there. Lady called me the night before her graduation from the hotel room all of them were staying in, and was in good spirits then, so apparently all of the rather unpleasant stuff happened after that.

2. After her graduation Lady successfully made her trip back across the country to the east coast with no problems, in the span of about three days. Last night she was staying with family about an hour or two from her home, and was planning to surprise the family today by showing up earlier than expected. Whether that happened or not, I don't know; I sent her a text this afternoon asking how things were at home, and never got a response...which probably means she's busy and/or asleep. I'll catch up with her more tomorrow, I assume.

3. My landlord came by and caught me by surprise last weekend, before I was even able to call him to have him look at the air conditioner/furnace fan belt. I was actually going to call him about an hour later, but my neighbors had already called him for a drainage problem in their tub and he thought it had been me who called. While he was here, however, I did have him look at the furnace -- it turns out that I have the type of furnace that's a direct-drive system, no belt involved, and that the problem more than likely lies in the actual thermostat unit on my wall upstairs. However, just like any other problem I seem to have him come by and fix, when he turned it on it began running just fine as always. The electric company has a new digital thermostat they're giving out/installing for free, called the "WattSaver," and he gave me his okay to have one installed whenever I wanted -- if they needed the paperwork to give them permission, he had it on file at his office, and he'd sign it/send it off to them. If nothing else, if it's in the thermostat, that will fix the problem. In the meantime, if I have any other problems with the fan/AC system (like, say, if it goes on the fritz again), I told him I'd tell him and he could look at it while it was acting up. So far, it's been running just fine when I've needed to run it (and I run it quite sparingly, as to save money on my electric bill).

4. Money is really, really tight right now, and will continue to be, terribly, for the rest of the summer. To brace for this and "hunker down," sort of, I've done all the grocery shopping I'll need to do for the next three weeks or so and have refilled my phone minutes with what little cash I can spare right now. My car has about 100 more miles before the gas tank needs refilled, and all of my bills are paid except for the cable bill, which I'll have to write out and mail this weekend if I want it to get paid on time. All of this will keep my expenses at the bare minimums for a while though, which is very good. I'm well-stocked on food and supplies for a good chunk of the summer, with the exceptions of cat food/litter and other small things (like milk, bread, etc) that I will need to continually replace on occasion. However, judging on my rate of pay and my bills, I'll only be able to survive without help until the end of June or so, when my car insurance comes due. I will more than likely have to ask (read: beg and plead horribly) my parents for help on paying that, otherwise I'm going to be homeless -- it's almost as much as a month's rent, and I don't make enough money as a teacher over the summer to pay both during the same month, not to mention cover all of my bills as well. I've mentioned before that my car insurance comes due twice a year, and both times it's in the absolute worst months possible -- June and December. Both times are when my bank account is always at its absolute lowest point.

5. I've been really bored, lonely, and really listless. I'm not sure much more explanation is needed on that. When the semester ends, everything just stops. Because of that, I find myself responsibility-free, which is almost as much of a burden on my psyche as being laden-down with all sorts of things to do is. Adding to the loneliness is the fact that I didn't get to see Lady again before she left to go back home for the summer, and that almost all of my friends from the department are already gone for the summer (or permanently, in some cases) or will be soon enough. I've been reading, writing, trying to catch up on sleep, and taking care of household chores to pass the time, as well as playing a few video games and listening to my collected podcasts, but there's only so long before all of that gets old and boring as well, and I'm rapidly reaching that point.

6. I start teaching on Tuesday night. That's four days from now. I have a full 25-person class, none of whom I've ever had before for 101 or any other class I've taught. I have yet to receive any sort of literature/syllabus/lesson plan for the 10-week course from my boss, so I'm guessing I'll have to venture to campus on Monday to take care of all of that stuff unless I hear something this weekend. I'll more than likely have to go to campus on Monday anyway in order to get copies made of the syllabus and other materials, so there's not really any getting out of that.

7. I got my grades on Wednesday -- all of them have been posted at this point -- and once more I got straight A's. Of course, I was expecting this. My cumulative grad school GPA is a 3.97, only because last fall I got an A- in a class. Still an A in my book.


There are other things going on, of course, in the background, that I'd rather not write about here in such a public place. I'd like to think that everything's staying on an even keel, but I'm not sure. I'm just trying to live day-to-day at this point, and don't see that changing anytime soon. I will, of course, update you when/if anything new happens, but for the moment, things are okay. And that's all I can really ask for.

The End, Part III: The End-ening

Today is the end of the line. I have completed Spring Semester 2012 and survived it. My students' final grades have been calculated, submitted to the Banner system, and all paperwork has been turned in. I got a 100% on my English 681 project that was almost 60 pages. What I needed to pack up and bring home from my office has been packed up and brought home. Everything is finished.

I feel like I should somehow be filled with hope, inspiration, or have the sense that a great weight has been lifted from me, but I really don't feel any of those things. I feel...boredom. And listlessness. And also loneliness.

Due to circumstances outside my control, I will more than likely not be driving to Lady's school to witness her graduation this weekend. She's doing a lot of traveling herself, back and forth from Kansas City's airport at least three times (which, from where her college is, is a lot of driving), and the window I'd get to see her were I to go anyway would be really, really short -- as she must get on the road to her home back east Sunday evening. She can't stay in her dorm past that time and must be out by then. I'd end up seeing her for less time than it would take for me to drive there, not to mention back here, over the course of the entire weekend. And, of course, I'd have to find a place to stay overnight were I to go, whether that be in my car, a hotel, or otherwise. This, of course, doesn't mean I don't want to go anyway -- I certainly do -- but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Which, of course, sucks. This means that I have no idea when I'll actually see her next (since she's going back home to work for the summer), which is just...well, sad.

The situation is far from ideal anyway. Lady and I, all else considered, have some issues we need to work through -- the least of which will be the distance we're apart over the summer. Most of it's circumstantial stuff; nobody's at fault, etc, but it's still stuff that affects us and still stuff we have to deal with. A lot of outside factors and a lot of really, really shitty luck is taking its toll on both of us right now, and therefore things are a bit difficult. In fact, "a bit difficult" is putting it mildly, in order to avoid going into detail about our private lives -- and that's all I'm going to say on the matter.

None of this, of course, changes anything about the summer -- I am still here, in Kansas, with a short break ahead of me before I begin teaching summer sessions. I found out last night that summer sessions will start (for me, anyway) on May 21; my first night of teaching is Tuesday, May 22. This of course throws a wrench into any plans I had of me and Lady visiting my parents before she starts work in June, as I now have to start teaching a week earlier than I had been told, and therefore must prepare my lesson plans, syllabus, and weekly schedule that much earlier as well. While I still have almost two weeks off in the meantime (well, about a week and a half), that date is fast-approaching, and soon will my world once more be consumed -- at least one night per week, anyhow -- with teaching.

Honestly, it really doesn't matter to me -- money is really, really tight right now, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future until August or so, so I feel really lucky to even have any sort of job for the summer.  I need it. I am so slobberingly grateful for any paycheck thrown my way during the summer that I'm willing to do almost anything. I have very, very little food in the house right now, and can't really go shopping yet because I cannot afford to until I am paid tomorrow. The remainder of that paycheck will go towards the two bills that just came in -- my credit card bill and the water bill. I'll need to pay as much as my credit card bill as I can, because I'll need to use said card for gas to get me back and forth from the west campus for teaching, even if it's just teaching one night a week.

Let me tell you, the best part of winter break was that I only had to fill my gas tank once. Because I never went anywhere. The same is not going to be true over the summer, that's for sure.

The next few days, since I'm more than likely not going to be doing any traveling as I expected, will be spent trying to recover from the wrath of this entire semester. No, it was not a particularly hard semester, but there was still a lot of work involved and a lot of sleep lost, and I'm just...weary. I never thought I'd feel this weary or weighted down after I finished it.

Actually, no, that's incorrect. I knew I would be. I just didn't know it would hit so hard, so fast, and be accompanied with such a sense of listlessness and loneliness. Almost all of my friends have now left town for the summer, and the ones who haven't yet, I saw for probably the last time today until August. We also have two of us not graduating but leaving the program as well, and I doubt I'll see either of them ever again. This sucks, of course, but not much can be done. Jay at least says he wants to come up and visit me at some point over the summer, as very few of us will remain in town or around the area for any real stretch of time, but as for most other folks? Gone, gone home to their respective cities and states across the country.

Andrea keeps trying to come up with ideas for things to do to get me out of the house this summer, things that are either free or very, very cheap. I've told her, though, that I'm so not the type to go out and do things alone, and definitely not the type that likes spending any more time in the blazing Kansas sun than I have to.

"I'm the guy who retreats into video games, into internet stuff, TV, and movies," I told her. "Sleep. Writing. Stuff like that. Not the one who goes out and joins activities and social events, at least not alone."

This is true. I find it hard to be social when I don't have anyone to be social with. With Lady across the country and back home for the summer, this still applies. Going out and doing things alone bores me. It makes me realize just how alone and isolated I am in my little house with my three cats and beat-up car. But, eh, it's life. It's what I've got. It's what I am.

So that's pretty much all that's going on right now, folks. I'll update more soon, when I have something to report. Anything to report.

The End, Part II: Bad Times, Again

It figures on the last weekend before Finals Week that everything which could go wrong did go wrong. In many ways, to many different people.

Hoo boy. Let's start from the beginning, and I'll keep things as brief as possible.

Friday was the only really good day of this entire weekend -- Lady came in and we had a wonderful/day night together. It couldn't have been more perfect; it's days like Friday which remind me (not that I needed to be reminded, of course) why I love that girl so very much. We went out to dinner at Applebee's, came home, and generally just spent as much time together as possible. I can't tell you how much I missed that, or her. Through all of my sleep deprivation, grading hundreds of papers this semester, and writing close to 60-page final projects, Lady has been what's kept me going. I treasure every second with her, especially even more now that she'll soon be going home to the east coast to work over the summer.

It was Friday night that the first omen of the rest of the weekend occurred, and it's when the fan belt broke on my furnace.

For those of you who have a heating/cooling system with a furnace and central air, you know that while the AC unit may be outside, the unit is also hooked up to the furnace, and when it's on it's the furnace's fan that blows the cool air through the house. Without that fan? Nothing blows.

I noticed around 11PM on Friday night that nothing was blowing through my vents, even though the AC was on and running. There was no air moving. The furnace fan was on and running as well. Hm. Because of this, I used my basic knowledge of machinery to figure out that the fan belt had broken -- otherwise the furnace fan wouldn't be running at all. Does that make sense? The "engine" of the fan will run, but the blower won't run. Which means, by deductive reasoning, that the fan belt is about the only thing it could be.

This, of course, was not good news for me and Lady. Lady tolerates heat even less than I do, and it was in the 90s on Friday and Saturday. Without the fan belt, I can't even run the furnace's fan to move air through the house. That in itself is a huge problem -- it means that my house basically turns into an oven. As it's the weekend, Lady was here, and I have my final exam to give Monday (read: today) afternoon, I knew I wasn't going to be able to get it fixed until at least after that -- so, sadly, we were stuck being hot. We dealt with it Friday night; it wasn't too bad. Saturday, however, was awful -- and I couldn't do anything about it. It was easily ninety degrees upstairs in my house, even with the floor fans, propped in the windows, blowing on us. It was because of that unbearable heat, as well as a few other reasons, that Lady went back to school on Saturday evening instead of staying until Sunday morning as we'd originally planned. I may write about that more later, but for now it's unimportant.

I was up all night Saturday night and through most of yesterday; not only was I taking care of stuff around the house that needed to be done, but the heat and my allergies made it near-impossible to sleep. Believe me, I tried multiple times. Finally, last night I was able to take a nap for several hours, which was sorely needed.

When I awoke -- groggy and in the dark, I found that I'd received a voicemail as well as two texts from Lady, telling me to call her because something bad had happened and she needed my support. I found out what it was soon thereafter -- one of her closest friends was killed in a car accident on Saturday night.

Lady is, understandably, devastated. I called her and talked to her briefly, and was as sweet as I possibly could be, of course, but there's nothing else I can do but be there for her and take care of her when she needs me to. And right now (again, very understandably) she's not really in a talkative mood. I probably wouldn't be either, to be honest. I told her I'm here for her when and if she needs me, and left it at that. I love Lady. I love her a lot. I wish there was something I could do to help her feel better, but I know there's really not. At least not right now.

So, really, this weekend has just been a string of bad things happening one after another, with the exception of Friday of course. I also haven't heard from my parents in over a week, so I have no clue what's going on back home, if anything. Still, things could always get worse, and maybe will before they get better, so I'm trying to keep my chin up. After all, this week is the last week I have to do anything school-related until the end of May, when I'll start teaching summer sessions, and next weekend I'm planning to see Lady graduate, and meet her mother and aunt.

Last night, to deal with the heat and to prepare for the summer, I once more made myself hairless. I have gone clean-shaven for the first time in about six months, and I shaved my head almost down to the skin, using my clippers without any guard on them at all. I don't necessarily like being almost bald, but if it's a choice between that and sweating profusely if it's going to be 100 degrees every day again soon, then I'd rather have no hair. Lady encouraged me while she was here to cut my hair again anyhow; she likes the really-short-hair/almost bald look on me. Now, all I have to worry about is sunburn on the top of my head for the next few weeks until it grows out a little more.

Besides, it's comfortable (if a little strange-feeling), and I now don't have to worry about shampoo. I can run the bar of soap over my head for a few seconds, and be good to go.

I will also say that I was originally considering a mohawk. Not kidding.

Anyway.

This week is going to be long and rather strange, punctuated at each end by stuff to do. There's today's final exam and grading, and then finishing up exam grading on Thursday morning with my grading partner before I can post my grades and be done for the semester. In the interim and afterwards, I have Tuesday and Wednesday off, during which I can see if I can get my landlord here to fix the furnace fan belt, Friday to relax, and Saturday to drive to Lady's school for her graduation on Sunday. It's going to be interesting to see what I can get done and how I'll end up doing it. That fan belt thing needs fixed soon, though, before it gets way too hot again.

So yeah, that's the brief-brief version of what's been going on. There's more, of course. I may go into more detail with some things over the course of the next few days, but who knows. For now, though, yes, things could be better...but they could also be much, much worse. And I'm thankful that right now they're not.

The End, Part I

The End of Spring Semester

Yesterday, Thursday, was officially the last day of classes for Spring Semester 2012.

This is, of course, a good thing. It means that I am now officially done with 2/3 of my graduate school career. Well, I will be once I finish grading my students' exams next week, I mean, but for all purposes pertaining to me? Yeah, I've finished two years now.

I can't help but think back to last year at this time. So many things were different. I was in a relationship with a different woman, I had just finished teaching English 101 for the last time, I had crazy-long hair and a very thick beard, I had a lot more money to my name and I didn't even own my car yet. Yes, folks, so many things in my life were drastically, drastically different.

Would I change a thing, however, from how they are now? No. Maybe little things here and there -- little things I shouldn't have said, or the way I handled little situations, but overall? The big picture? Nope. I wouldn't change anything. I used to have regrets about a lot of major things in my life. I've not always been the best person (few people can say they have been). But I've learned from my mistakes, and I've generally made peace with my regrets. During the long period of time that I was single, I was able to think about my life in a much clearer fashion, and partition it out piece by piece for cross-examination. I came out the other side much stronger and with a clear head.

Do I have a better life now than I did a year ago? In most ways, yes. I have a wonderful woman in Lady. I have a car that runs well (knock on wood) the vast majority of the time. I have my own place, in which I live alone in peace and solitude. I don't have a lot of money, but I get by just fine for the time being, and even though I may be poor I can still feed myself and the cats. I also think I am stronger, thinner, and wiser, even if I may be a bit more reclusive as the tradeoff to those traits. I also have a job for the summer now, when that didn't happen last summer. Overall, I think everything's a bit better than before. It's not perfect, of course, but better.

This morning, Lady is coming in for the weekend. She doesn't have class today, so she can get here earlier than otherwise. We're planning a nice weekend together. The weather, while hot, isn't supposed to be nasty, so we won't have to worry about our time together being cut short (as we did three weeks ago when she was last here). So that we're not interrupted by anything or anyone, as soon as she gets here my phone is getting turned off. I'm not going to pay attention to anything but her -- it will be our last weekend together in my place for a long time. I have also finished grading all of my students' final papers in the past day or so as well, finishing the last ones a few hours ago, so that I won't have anything nagging at me in the back of my head. I have nothing else to do for the next three days but spend time with her -- and it's going to stay that way.

However, come Monday, things will change. I must return to campus and give my students their final exam. This in itself is not a problem -- it will be pretty simple. I was expecting to be done on Monday, but apparently the fates had other plans. Y'see, the girl I've been assigned as my "grading partner" for finals has a daytime class as well as a night class that she teaches. The night classes take their finals at a different time -- in this case, Wednesday night. As I have to grade both sets of her essays, this means that I'll be stuck going back into campus next Thursday morning again to grade the set from the night class. This isn't a big deal, of course, but it does extend the amount of time I have to remain, y'know, available on the University's terms by three extra days. Therefore, I'm going in there on Thursday morning, finishing it as quickly as possible, turning in/posting my students' grades, and getting the hell out of Dodge. Lady's graduation is next weekend, and I need to do a little self-tune-up to the car before I make that long-ass drive -- such as check/refill the oil, refill the coolant if it's low, get it new gas and put a fuel system/carb cleaner in the tank, and make sure it has enough air in the tires. I've never driven the Monte Carlo such a long distance before (the most miles I've put on it in one day was about 100), so I have to make sure I can do everything I can to get it there and back safely. I wish I could afford to get the car its oil change this weekend prior to my trip out there next weekend, but I just can't. I really have no spare money right now, as all of my bills just came out of my bank account, and two more just arrived in the mail.

So yeah, minor inconvenience, I know, but an inconvenience nonetheless. I look at it as another day's worth of gas money spent at this point, really.

More updates will come after Lady returns to school on Sunday, of course. But, until then, consider me incommunicado.

Hell on Wheels, Part II

Spring semester: day seventy-five

Today is the last day I have to teach my classes for the semester. I am collecting their papers, giving them their practice exam, and bidding them farewell. And so will end my second semester of teaching Science and Engineering English 102.

I love teaching that class, as I told my bosslady. There's no class I would rather teach. It's so fun. In the fall (provided I end up teaching it again; right now, I'm not sure if I'll get to), we even have a new edition of the book to use, so I'll get to explore a newer version of the text. Also, if I continue teaching it in the fall, it will be the first class I've taught for more than two semesters in a row. I'd be perfectly fine with that.

Of course, I still don't know if I'm teaching it in the fall; if I'm lucky, I may end up teaching online sections of 101 or 102. It depends on how the dice rolls. Regardless, I would imagine I'll find out one way or the other this coming week.

In other news, the massive 681 project is finally finished. I finished it about 24 hours ago. My actual written part of it clocks in at a whopping 47 pages, with about ten pages' worth of extra handouts included in it as well, bringing the total between 55 and 60. It is absolutely nuts. I know I waaaaaay overachieved on it, but I didn't want to create half a lesson plan, or half a set of handouts and quizzes. It would've seemed oddly unfinished. And, after all, my professor didn't give an upper page limit. So, let's see how he likes it. I'm printing out a copy of it this morning and turning it in to him so that if I need to, I can revise it.

In other news, Lady is not only feeling better, but she will be coming in this weekend. It will be our last weekend to spend time together at my place before she goes home for the summer to work her summer job. Next weekend, I will venture across the state line to see her "graduation" from her college and meet her mother and aunt, which should be fun as well. It's sort of frustrating to know that we'll have to spend so much time apart over the summer, but neither of us are thinking about that right now -- in fact, we've both been actively avoiding talking about it. Lady does not yet know where she will be when fall comes, in regards to schooling or living situations. She's currently waiting to hear back from a number of schools and opportunities, but there is certainly the very distinct possibility that she and I will be physically apart (aside from visits, of course) for the next year of our relationship after this summer -- until I graduate from Flat State University and get the hell out of Kansas. Mind you, neither of us want this, but it all comes down to circumstance. I'm locked here for better or worse until this time next year, finishing my MFA program. Graduate school credits don't exactly transfer from one institution to another like undergraduate credits do, so for the next year I'm more or less stuck here regardless of what happens. This is the other reason I was hoping to get the online teaching gig -- if I have to leave town for a few days at some point for visits, at least I can teach my classes from wherever I am as long as I have access to a computer. Next spring this would be even more important as I would imagine I'll be interviewing at several places on the opposite side of the country, providing (of course) that I can afford to fly to these places for said interviews. I also plan to attend AWP in Boston next spring, as well, if money allows me to do so.

Now that I'm rushing headlong into the abyss that is not only summer vacation but my third and final year of graduate school in the fall, I've come to realize that I have a lot of stuff to do, and a lot of stuff planned that I must make happen, including a few very, very large things. I'm going to try to get a jump-start on all of my work over the course of the summer, in-between teaching my classes and writing my thesis, but I have a long long way to go. For example, I've basically given up on spending money to fix up the car -- I'll eventually get the oil changed, of course, and I'll probably put new tires on it, but as for any other major repairs? I won't have the spare money to make them. Ever. Everever. I'll probably end up selling it within this next year in order to get a more reliable, more expensive vehicle that will be able to take me back across the country when I graduate. As much as I love my Monte Carlo, and as much as she will always be the first car I could totally call mine, name-on-the-title-and-paid-for, she sucks gas like crazy and has 222,000 miles on her. I can't depend on her forever, and I certainly can't expect her to make a 2,000-mile trip across the country back to the east coast. What I need is a small, fuel-efficient SUV or a Subaru wagon like Andrea has, even if I have to spend about two or three months' worth of paychecks on it. I won't have much of a choice once next May rolls around -- I don't have any family out here to help me move things; what won't fit in whatever vehicle I have at that time will more than likely have to get trashed, donated, or quickly sold.

No, that doesn't include the cats.

Some other interesting things have been happening lately as well, though they've all been small things. For one, my sleep cycles are regulated now -- they're just regulated in the opposite direction. Due to my constant, crazed work on my 681 project, I've gotten into the habit of staying up until 9 or 10AM, and then sleeping until 6PM or so. During the rest of this semester, this would've been a problem. Now that the semester is over (for the most part) it doesn't really affect me as much. I got up last night at 6PM, and I will teach this morning, go to a doctor's appointment this afternoon, and then come home and go back to bed until tomorrow. Tomorrow (Wednesday) I'm on campus for a few hours in the morning and into the afternoon, and then I am off until Monday (when I give my students their final exam). In the interim, I'll be grading my students' papers and spending time with Lady this weekend, but not doing much else, so time to sleep is indeed pretty flexible at this point. This is fine. I have coffee. I also have two days of downtime to get some rest before Lady arrives.

Tonight, as storms rolled through, my internet went out twice -- once around 11PM and again around 3AM. It was out for over an hour each time. This wasn't really a problem, as there wasn't really much to do anyhow, but it did stop me from being able to talk to Lady for a few hours, until at some point I assume she eventually went to bed. I called to report the outage the first time, and I got a guy on the phone who sounded like he'd been sleeping at his desk. He told me he'd check out the problem and then call me back...and then never did. In the meanwhile it came back on and then went out once more before sticking on for good (currently, anyway). Weird. Usually the cable internet people are totally on the ball when something happens and I call for service. Now watch the guy finally call back when I'm in the middle of teaching class this morning, or something. It wouldn't surprise me.

As I've finished all of my coursework for the semester now, I'm in a bit of what some may perceive as a "lull," at least until I get my students' papers today. With the completion of my 681 project, and my last formal classes meeting last week, I have nothing else to do but grade and give the final before I can call myself done. It's a really weird feeling. I'm not used to having nothing to do -- and instead of a sense of freedom sweeping over me, there's just this sense of...boredom. Of nothing. And it's coupled with an immense desire to just go to bed for a week. That, at least, I will probably accomplish after I give the final exam on Monday, while Lady is taking her own exams next week (however many she has; I believe she has two).

I've paid all of my bills except my electric bill (not due for another three weeks), and I've gone to get groceries that will last me for a good two weeks or so, hopefully. After the semester's over, after I go to Lady's graduation and return home, I am going to do my best to hunker down for a while. I won't have any major expenses, not even gas, until I begin teaching this summer at the end of May. Aside from going to see The Avengers (because, believe me, I'm not fucking missing that) at some point, I'm barely even planning to leave the house if I can avoid it -- especially if it starts getting really hot outside really quickly. The temperature nearly hit 100 last week on one or two days, and it wasn't even May yet. Even with the vast expanse of summer ahead of me, though, I'm only looking forward to the good things in the short term -- I'm excited to see Lady this weekend first and foremost. I haven't seen her in two weeks, and her visit last time was cut short by the tornadoes that hit the region that weekend, prompting her to leave early to miss the weather. Unfortunately, Lady's arrival on Friday means that I'll miss the "end of the year" grad student party, during which everyone sends off the graduating MFA class. Last year it wasn't a formal event and was more or less a "let's go to Rae and Jay's apartment" sort of thing, but this year it's quite well-organized and sort of upscale. If Lady were arriving on Thursday night instead of Friday, we'd probably go together so that she could meet my friends from the department. However, with her coming in at the same time the party's happening, that's not really an option. Rae texted me over the weekend to ask "So when do Jay and I get to meet [Lady]?" or something to that effect, and the sad part is that I really don't have an answer for her -- it'll more than likely be in the fall if they do get to meet her, but then again the possibility is also "never," depending on where Lady ends up going to school in the fall.

I'm beginning to wonder if people think I've just made Lady up, or that she's just a figment of my imagination. No, I haven't, of course, and she's not. Duh. There are, after all, pictures of her on my Facebook, and she even took my profile picture with her phone. We're just private people, and we keep our relationship private as well. As I've mentioned here before, it's nobody's business but ours what we do and when we do it, etc. That doesn't mean I don't want her to meet my friends or that she doesn't want to -- in fact, the exact opposite is true -- it's just that it never happens. Believe me -- Andrea, Shainna, and both of my parents can vouch that the girl is indeed real.

Speaking of my parents, I asked my mother whether or not she would want me to fly back out there over the course of this next month or so at some point for another visit, preferably with Lady as well. There's a small window of available days I could do it, from about May 20 to 27, and from May 29th to June 10 or so. Lady starts her summer job back home in the middle of June or so, but as she'll visit her aunt beforehand in the interim she'll have access to the Prius to drive up for a few days again. For me, it's about the only time I'll have this summer that's completely free and unencumbered by needing to be here every Tuesday night to teach my summer English 102 class, and if I'm going to visit my parents again I want to do it when Lady is available to visit them as well, especially since my parents adore her as much as I do. I haven't heard back from Mom yet, though I would imagine I will either today or tomorrow. Besides, it would probably be best to do it before the summer gets incredibly, crazily hot out here in the midwest, as well as back home.

So that's pretty much all that's going on right now. Coming up? Grading and lots of it, followed by sleep and lots of it, followed by Lady, followed by my students' final exam.

Hooray, this long and ponderous semester is almost over.

Night of the Living Grammar

I am up to page thirty on my English 681 final project, not counting the extra handouts I'll need to print and insert prior to turning it in. With those included and another ten pages or so of lesson plans/exams to craft and tack on, it looks like the final version of my project will clock in around fifty pages or so, give or take a few.

This is, of course, more than double what the required length of the assignment was, but it can't be helped; the first fifteen pages or so of it are nothing but the absolutely necessary parts of the assignment -- namely the three-page defense/course description, a five-page detailed syllabus, and then a weekly lesson plan. My professor wants example lesson plans/class assignments, example quizzes and the like as well. I have trimmed what I was going to include in half, basically, and it still will be around fifty pages when it's all said and done.

I have not slept. I have, of course, tried to sleep -- first a little after 2AM (when Lady went to bed), then again after 7AM. I will probably crash at some point soon. I feel it coming on but I'm not quite there yet. I'm writing this post after eating breakfast in the hopes that I will soon become tired enough to actually sleep.

Lady is still sick; this marks day five of her flu. Still she soldiers on. She is unable to make it out here this weekend because of schoolwork, but we've made plans for next weekend -- when neither of us will be busy and can actually relax together for some actual peace-and-quiet time. Plus, by then she (hopefully) won't feel like walking death, either.

As it is Saturday morning, I've got three more days of weekend laid out ahead of me. This means I can pace myself for the rest of the project and attempt to get some real rest in the meantime as well. Perhaps I should try that now.

Hell on Wheels, Part I

Spring semester: day seventy-three

It's been a really strange, surreal week, and next week is going to be even weirder.

Today is my friend Shannon's funeral, apparently. Or, specifically, "wake," as it's being called, because people in West Virginia are still old-fashioned at times. Some of her friends and family have set up a memorial trust fund to cover the costs of the funeral and burial, and whatever is extra will be put into a trust for her daughter. Though I can't really afford it, I will be sending a check to help contribute to this fund. I feel like I should do something, anyway. If I could be there for the funeral, I would.

I think, for the most part, I handle death well -- whether the person who dies is currently close to me or otherwise. All of us process death in our own ways, I think; I've always been the sort of person who very quickly accepts and realizes that nothing can be done, and that mourning is not about grief as much as it is remembrance. Is there grief? Yes, of course there's grief, especially when it comes to tragic, senseless deaths. But it's not like anything can be changed. Nothing anyone can do is going to bring that person back. The only thing anyone can do is accept it and move on. It may suck, but it's true. As mentioned before, I've had many friends (and some family members) die over the years -- some of them I was very close to, others were ancillaries -- but regardless of anything else, the lives of the living go on. Again, it may suck, but it's true. No matter how much one may want the world to stop when someone dies, it doesn't. It won't. It's not being cold, it's not unfeeling. It's being realistic and accepting of any situation that comes along -- yes, including death.

I've often wondered if the reason I feel this way is because I have always expected so little out of life and out of this world. That's not really a pessimistic viewpoint, either; again, it's a realistic one. When something goes wrong, no matter how bad -- especially in the past two years or so -- I've always approached it with a yeah, that's about right, why should I have expected anything different? sort of approach. For example, when my car decided to blow its serpentine belt and belt tensioner, and almost commit ritual seppuku on me about two months ago, my thoughts were along the lines of yeah, fucking figures. Can't do much about it but pay to get it fixed, oh well. Getting upset about bad things solves nothing. I've long ago accepted the fact that since I'm a poor grad student in a fairly shitty situation, virtually nothing is going to go my way. It's not bad luck, it's just reality. And most of the time, folks, life sucks. It just does.

"Are you depressed?" Lady asked me last night. "Because if you're depressed, that's really something you should tell me."

"No, babe," I said, "I'm actually in great spirits right now; I have you, I secured a teaching job for this summer, the semester is coming to an end, and I get to see you graduate and meet mom and [aunt] in a few weeks. No, everything's going well."

This is the absolute honest truth, by the way -- I am not depressed. Not that I would ever want to, but I am incapable of lying to Lady anyway. No, I'm pretty content for a number of reasons, like the ones I mentioned above. Am I happy? Overall, well, happy enough, I suppose. It's not like I'm filled with absolute jubilation, or anything, but right now I'm on a pretty even keel. Because of the fact that the life of a graduate student is on a constant level of shitty, I tend to get excited when some of the little things go right for once. Right now, in my own life, everything's going fine -- I'm more than halfway finished with my editing project (which I will turn in on Tuesday), I attended my very last class of the semester on Wednesday, and I have but one more class to "teach" before the semester ends. Tuesday and Wednesday will be my last real days on campus for the semester, and I'll only be there for a few short hours each day. Next Monday, the 7th, is the only other day I'll have to be there at all, and only to administer/grade the final exam. I've also received my confirmation letter in the mail that says yes, I will be teaching again in the fall (obviously), though it does not tell me what. That, of course, is still up in the air, but it's either going to be the online courses or my normal Science/Engineering 102 courses. Whatever works, I'm fine with it.

I was also notified this week (because, well, I asked) that pay cycles for us GTAs who are teaching in the summer will not be interrupted between the end of this semester and the beginning of summer sessions -- we get paid today, May 11th, and May 25th, and the first pay disbursement for summer instructors is June 8th, which is on schedule as per the usual. I've been told, however, not to necessarily count on that date, as last year it took until mid-July for the first summer pay to drop. As it's on the schedule for June 8th, perhaps (read: hopefully) they've fixed that problem this time around. Altogether, five of us have been selected to teach summer classes, and I finally figured out why we five were selected above the others: preference is apparently given to those GTAs who have never taught in the summer before but wanted to, at least this time around. Some of us who applied for, and were eligible to teach for this summer didn't get a teaching gig because they've taught in the summer before (either last year or the year before) and they apparently wanted to give some of the other GTAs a shot at it.

At least that's what I've been told, anyway, by unnamed sources unaffiliated with who does the selections. Whether that's true or not, I don't know. If it is true, it would explain why the five of us were selected.

Anyway, I digress.

Lady has been really sick this week with some sort of stomach flu, or at least that's what the doctors think it is. She's been very slowly recovering, but for anyone in academia, teacher or student, these last two or three weeks of the semester are the absolute worst times ever to get sick. The end of any semester is hell on wheels, what with the amount of assignments that all come due at the exact same time -- not to mention final exams. As I've mentioned before, though, Lady's a tough girl; she's fighting through it all. I'm convinced that even while sick, she'll still get A's on her papers and projects; that girl busts her ass on schoolwork more than anyone I've ever seen, and the fact that she's incredibly intelligent definitely helps. If she's feeling better and can get away from school for a few days (her classes operate differently than mine do) she's planning to come out for the weekend either tonight or tomorrow -- and if she can't make it this weekend, she will next weekend.

In preparations for her visit, regardless of when it may occur, I have spent the overnight hours doing some light cleaning and other chores (such as laundry, dishes, washing the bedsheets, etc). I'm doing this partially because she could be here as early as tonight or tomorrow afternoon, and partially because if I start working more on my editing project, I may finish it a little sooner than I would otherwise, but it would be at the cost of a total lack of sleep and free time. If she makes it out this weekend, I'll spend all day on it today. If she doesn't, I'll tackle it page by page over the rest of the weekend and spread it out a bit more. Either way, it'll still be done by Tuesday morning so I can turn it in.

Oh, and I made a huge pot of soup tonight. Sort of a mishmash of different ingredients I had around the house. Chopped chicken breasts, noodle soup (in the packet, the Lipton kind), shell/curly/spaghetti pasta, a can of minestrone (for more color/flavor/vegetables), a can of mixed vegetables, and water, amongst a few other dashes of spices here and there to taste. It's the only real "cooking" I've done in about two weeks -- I've been living off of the bare essentials, as I knew the rent and all of my bills would be coming due soon. My fridge is basically bare and I'm low on funds at the moment, despite getting paid today (again, the rent), so I'm scouring the pantry to find things to combine into meals. Soup works. Soup works well.

Besides, I'll have to do some shopping when Lady comes in anyhow, regardless of when that may be.

So yeah, that's what's going on right now. Right now is the proverbial calm before the storm, because, starting next week? The storm hits. Last week of classes. Preparations for finals. Practice grading sessions. Grading a large set of papers quickly and efficiently.

Fun times, for sure.

Bad Times

For my Editing American English 681 class, my final assignment is to create a semester-long lesson plan for a "teaching collegiate grammar" class of my own design.

Unit 6 is entitled "Writing at the Collegiate Level: MLA Style (or, how to write papers so that you don't look like an idiot to your professor)."

Yes, that's the actual title of the unit. We're allowed to have fun with this project, and boy am I going to.

The fact that I've gotten this far is the only good thing that's happened today. Well, no, that's not true, I'll take that back -- I did go to the discount grocery store this afternoon, I did put gas in the car and air in my tires, and I did mow the grass. But the bad far, far outweighed the good today. Big time.

I awoke this morning to find out that one of my friends from high school had been murdered.

No, that's not a joke. Murdered. In a Walmart parking lot. Shot to death by the father of her estranged, soon-to-be-divorced-from husband.

You know, words can't properly express how absolutely insane that is. You can read the news story here; it's all over the news back home. Her name was Shannon, and she was one of the sweetest girls I've ever known. I don't know any details more than what's in that news story. If asked, I would have considered her a friend, yes, but she and I hadn't been close and/or talked since, oh, sophomore year at WVU. So that was about seven or eight years ago. We weren't even friends on Facebook, as strange as that sounds. After a while, everyone I went to high school/college with tended to go their own ways, and she was just one of those folks that I eventually lost contact with (though not by anyone's fault, of course).

I've mentioned here many times that I didn't have a lot of close friends in high school. I just didn't. Most of my closest friendships were formed while in college, but in high school I had a lot of acquaintances and/or people who knew me fairly well. Shannon was one of those people, as we had midday homeroom/lunch together pretty much every year we were in high school. I knew her well enough to where she is one of the few people immortalized in my high school senior memory book, as she not only signed it and wrote me a long message, but I have one of her professionally-done studio senior pictures in the photo section, as well.

Of course, that was eleven years ago now. She was killed barely twelve hours ago.

Perhaps I'm just in shock more than anything else, but perhaps I'm a bit numb. Shannon was a wonderful girl; very smart, very sweet. Always there for me to talk to, and told me so when we were still in high school. I valued her friendship. The last time I saw her was probably around 2003 or so; she went to WVU for a while, but left the school for somewhere else, and that's the last I remember talking to her or seeing her on a regular basis. To read a gruesome news story about her getting shot to death in a Walmart parking lot just this morning is, for lack of a better term, fucking heartbreaking. You know, I've had friends who have died over the years in many ways -- car accidents, suicides, cancer...and yes, I do have another friend aside from Shannon who was murdered as well -- but she wasn't shot to death in a fucking parking lot on a routine weekend shopping trip. It's so tragic that I can't even wrap my head around it. Shannon had a young daughter, as well; she is now a daughter who will grow up without her mother, and a daughter whose grandfather murdered her mother. I can't even process that. I can't imagine, at all, what both families are going through. The most I can do is remember Shannon the way I always knew her all those years ago.

And Lady wonders why I am such a worrier. You worry about me too much, she tells me. I can take care of myself, you know. And she's right; Lady is a tough girl. She may be small, but damn is she athletic and muscular. When she's not here, however, Lady also is three hours away on her own college campus, and much farther away when she's at home with her family. It's not like I can stop myself from worrying about whether or not she's okay -- especially in the light of the sheer craziness of what happened to Shannon on a simple shopping trip. I'm not the overprotective type, but fuck, when one of my friends is murdered, I tend to be a little more on edge, you know?

Right now I just don't know what else to say about what happened. It's horrific and simply heartbreaking on so many levels. I simply know no other way to describe it.

[EDIT] Here's an update to the story.

[EDIT 2] Here are two more stories about Shannon, one of which has my friend Amber quoted extensively.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Spring semester: day sixty-eight

There has been a lot going on this week, most of it interesting and good (I say most, of course, for a reason). Because of this I'm going to recap most of it for you.

First things first -- I have secured a teaching position for the summer. This is incredible luck, because I only had about a 30% chance of receiving a position over the summer. Only five spots were available, and fifteen or more of us applied to get said spots (including Rae, who apparently didn't get one despite her pleads). I feel bad about this, of course -- I feel bad for anyone who needed a summer teaching gig as much as I did but didn't get one. I'm not sure if all of them have been announced yet, however; our office administrator in the department told me about mine earlier this week, because she knew how worried I was about being able to survive this summer without any additional income. I've not really kept that a secret amongst the higher-up administrative types in the department, including the office ladies as well as two of my three "bosses" (the third is on sabbatical).

The class I'll be teaching is the standard English 102, a class I have not yet taught (yes, I teach English 102 now, but it's the Science/Engineering 102 and is therefore quite different than the standard 102). It will be a ten-week course, from the end of May through the end of July, and it will be held one night a week on Tuesdays on the west campus, not the main campus.

This is, of course, the best teaching schedule I could have possibly asked for. I mean, one night a week? That's amazing. It leaves me the rest of my summer to work on my thesis as well as basically do whatever else I need to do -- whether that involves writing for the newspaper or working some other job. For this teaching position I'll be paid a little less than two grand. It's something like that, anyway. I've not been told any salary details, but I do know that it's close to that from other friends who have taught in the summer.

I haven't mentioned the west campus much mainly because none of us ever have to go there. It's not even in Wichita; it's in a suburb on the outskirts of Wichita called Maize. I've been there a few times; Maize is a nice little town with lots of shopping, a massive Goodwill store, and a Five Guys. It also has Flat State University's west campus, which is a huge and sprawling one-story building built only a few years ago. It's very, very nice, and all of the classrooms are "smart classrooms," meaning they're fully wired for multimedia presentations and the like. The majority of the summer classes take place there, at least for the English department. It is a gorgeous setup. So yes, I'm quite thankful that I not only don't have to worry about finding a summer job immediately, but that the one I'll have will require minimal time investment.

This, as you probably have guessed, takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Money will still be tight for a while, make no mistake, but I will be able to survive on my summer teaching paycheck even if I do nothing else for the majority of the summer.

In other news, yesterday I read three of my poems to a rather large audience at the library. In fact, it was one of the biggest audiences I've ever seen for one of the MFA readings. There were two drawbacks to this reading, however:

1.) I was, by far, the worst of the four readers there, and definitely spent the least amount of time at the podium (I clocked it at about five minutes, maximum. It seemed like much less than that).

2.) Lady was not able to make it into town to see me read.

I had known for a day or two beforehand that Lady was probably not going to be able to come, despite all her plans and intentions of doing so. She, like the rest of us, is wrapping up her semester at her own college, and she has a ton of work and responsibilities to manage and take care of just like everyone else. One of these responsibilities is the play she's currently in. I've mentioned before, briefly, that Lady is an actress, and is very active in her school's stage productions despite not being a drama/theater major. She's been in two full-length plays since we've been together, and we've not been together an incredibly long time yet. Anyway, in the play she's in now, she plays a pretty important part (read: one of the larger roles), so it's near-impossible for her to skip rehearsals regardless of how well she knows her part already. She's already missed practices to come see me on these past two weekends as well, so...yeah, getting out a third time probably wasn't going to happen anyway. She did tell me, however, that she really, really tried to get out of it.

She didn't miss much, however; the reading was very uneventful, despite the crowd there. Of the four readers, I will be the only one in and around the department for the foreseeable future -- two are graduating in a few weeks, and the third is leaving the program. So, like I said, I read my three poems (originally wanted to read four, but eh), thanked the audience, and sat back down. The poems I read were all newer ones -- "Our Winter Snow is Shining," "The Exercise," and "Slow Down" -- the latter two of which were written about Lady (one of the other reasons I was hoping she'd make it).

Afterwards, I came straight home, told Lady that everything had gone well, and that I was going to take a nap. The next thing I remember, it was 2AM and my phone (which I'd taken downstairs with me in case Lady needed to call me) was ringing in the night, and in my haze of sleep I recognized it as Lady's custom ringtone. I had passed out for close to seven hours straight, and Lady had been worried about me as I hadn't awakened. Those of you who are my longtime friends know that me passing out for upwards of twelve hours isn't uncommon -- regardless of the time of day or night and especially if I've been exhausted and sleep-deprived, but Lady hasn't exactly experienced my comatose-like sleep patterns when I'm totally worn out yet, as we've only been together a few months. We ended up talking for over an hour in the middle of the night while I woke up and while she prepared to go to bed.

After she went to bed, I stayed up for the rest of the night -- again, yes, my sleep patterns are screwed up because I can never get enough rest -- and began work on my final project for my editing class -- a project that will consume most of my weekend, more than likely, just so that I can get it done and out of the way. I got a little research for it done and have been able to plot out the major lessons I need to cover (it's a semester-long lesson plan), but the real work for it won't come until probably Saturday/Sunday/Monday nights. I went back to bed around 9AM, and slept until 3PM. This basically ruined any other productivity I would have had for the rest of the day, which sucks because I'd planned to get gas in the car, put more air in the tires (they're getting low again) and to go run some small errands, including getting stamps and going to the discount grocery store in town in order to get more Powerbars for the office. I'd also planned to mow the grass again. All of this looks like it'll have to wait until tomorrow or Sunday...depending on when I wake up, of course. As I type this, it's 2:38 AM and my body/mind has shown me no signs of wanting to sleep anytime soon.

As all of us rush headlong into the last two weeks of classes, for most of us the action in the department and within our own classes is ramping up as well. I've mentioned here before that this is the craziest time of the semester for anyone in academia -- student, professor, or both (as we GTAs are), but it builds and builds, faster and faster, hits its crescendo, and then...everything stops. Like, a screeching, grinding halt of stoppage, when everything is finished. My students turn in their final papers on May 1st, which I have basically decided will be their last day of class -- there's no reason for them to come back on the 3rd; I can give them their practice exam on the 1st and let them be done, for there's nothing more I can teach them and no further advice I can give them after they turn in their papers. May 7th is their final, and after I give their final and tally their grades, I'm done for the semester. As in, completely done. All of my work will have been turned in and graded by that point, and being there for the final and for the grading of said final is but a formality. The last week of classes for me is really strange anyway:

Monday, April 30: OFF

Tuesday, May 1: Collect students' final papers, give practice exam, say final farewells. Have final poetry workshop class, say final farewells there too.

Wednesday, May 2: Hold last office hours of the semester, work final Writing Center hour of the semester. Practicum is a practice grading session for final exams; Editing class is canceled, though if needed my professor will be in his office to look over drafts and field questions on the final projects. My goal is to have my final project completely done, turned in, and hopefully graded long before this date, so I should be able to go home around 3PM.

Thursday, May 3: OFF. Moving everything with my students to the 1st means I get an extra day off -- therefore, I will be grading through the bulk of my students' papers on this day (if I haven't already done so on the 2nd).

Friday, May 4: Again, OFF. The English department is always off on Fridays. Hopefully Lady will be able to come in this weekend, as it is the last weekend before she "graduates," a graduation which I will be driving three hours to attend (as it will finally allow me to meet her mother and her aunt).

After that? Well, like I said, the 7th is my students' final, and then I'm done as soon as the grades are calculated and posted. It will be a freeing feeling, especially as I haven't touched my Xbox or PlayStation in four months, and haven't had any time to really sleep as much as my body needs, either. I don't start teaching the summer class until the end of May.

As for the summer, a lot of things are still up in the air -- though they're not things pertaining to my job (that I already mentioned). It is my understanding that Lady will more than likely be returning home to her family for the vast majority of the summer, with her future education plans as of yet unknown. While it will be hard on both of us to be apart for such a long stretch of time, we'll deal with it; we'll have to, really. Both of us have been in long-distance relationships before, so it's nothing new -- hell, the first full year I was with my ex, she lived in Missouri and I was still living in West Virginia. And, knowing Lady, it's not like she won't steal away as soon as she can to come back out here to visit me for a while.

However, with my ten-week teaching position, I'm rather locked down here in Kansas -- while I could theoretically leave town for a few days (I'd like to visit my parents again with Lady, even if we have to do the same sort of travel we did over Spring Break), I can't ever be gone too long. My class meets but once a week on Tuesday nights, and it's not like I can cancel a one-night-a-week class without serious repercussions to the teaching schedule. About the only thing that would let/make me cancel class is if horrible tornadoes rolled through the area and the west campus closed for the night, or something along those lines (this actually happened last summer one night when the ex was teaching her own summer sessions in June). Aside from that, however? I'm basically stuck here for the vast majority of the summer. I have twenty days or so in May (after finals, of course) before I begin teaching, and about twenty days after I finish at the end of July before school starts back up again for the fall semester. If I'm going to make any sorts of trips like that, they'll have to be planned out well in advance, more than likely.

Besides, both Lady and I would like to see Andrea again too...that is, if she sticks around town for the summer.

So, that's what's going on right now. Good things, I suppose. At least I have a summer teaching position, at least the semester's almost over, and at least I will finally, finally be able to get some responsibility-free relaxation time in soon. None of it can come soon enough.

Tuesday Update

Spring semester: day sixty-six

Everything has calmed down after this weekend's tornado outbreak, it seems, and slowly life in Kansas is returning to normal. The main tornado that hit Wichita (because there were smaller ones) was confirmed to be an EF3, and it caused over $300 million in damage, some of it catastrophic damage -- but no reported fatalities, and only minor injuries. Some sections of the city won't have power restored to them until at least Thursday, though. In retrospect, everything could have been a lot worse. I have been in contact with friends and family back home, so everyone knows I'm okay and that nothing happened here in Newton, so that's a plus. Most of my family members who know I'm out here (well, those who care, anyhow) were worried, so I made sure to let everyone know I was okay.

The final list of readers for Thursday's poetry reading is set, and the editor for our school's literary journal is going to be the emcee. I work with him on a regular basis, as I am the journal's nonfiction editor. Should be a fun reading. Should be a fun day, actually. I'm looking forward to it, especially because (barring any unforeseen circumstances), Lady should be in attendance at the reading and will stay the night, as mentioned previously. I even told her to bring in any and all laundry she needs done, as well, as it's $5 per load at school for her to wash things, and I have my own washer and dryer (when either one wants to work, of course, but that's a story for another time). I have picked four poems to read -- two of which are brand-new and have not yet seen workshop. All of them are about the same length, and none of them are those long-lined, prose-ish poems I've read at readings in the past. I'd like to think that my style is evolving more with each passing semester, and that by the time I graduate next year, I will indeed have a polished thesis full of publishable works.

My best friend and sister Andrea mentioned that she got a hit on a technical writing job in Wilmington, NC. While I'm no technical writer (I mean, I have no real experience in that), North Carolina has always been one of my top three destinations for after I graduate and leave Kansas. The other two, prior to meeting Lady, were Pittsburgh or Philadelphia. Now those other two have been updated, as you know, to basically anywhere in New England, or somewhere around the Virginia Beach area. While Pittsburgh or Philadelphia would still be nice, I'm more focused on finding a happy medium area between my family, Lady's family, and wherever I'll end up working/living. Our hopes are that wherever we end up, we can get to either family's home within about six-to-eight hours or so of driving, which leaves a rather large circular radius of places for me to be able to settle and find work. Of course, by then if I'm going to be doing that much driving, I'll either have to get a better car or have maaaajor repairs done on the one I have. Still, with Andrea getting a hit from North Carolina, and with me having some friends either in the region (at least two in the state) and two more who went to undergrad there, I've got a good information network set up if there are possible writing or teaching jobs there. And Lady loves North Carolina, as well; she's spent a lot of time there.

I am awake and typing this post at 4:43 AM; insomnia has struck again on a Monday night (typical, I know) and therefore I cannot force myself to sleep. Now it is far too late to even try, as my alarm goes off at 5 (or, if I'm setting the alarm clock downstairs, 5:15). I was awake late working on school stuff as well as talking to Lady, who doesn't have anything pressing to do tomorrow, and rather than even attempt to sleep for an hour or two and end up a zombie the entire day, it's easier for me to down a pot of coffee and power through everything until I can finally come home and go to bed tonight. Yes, this means I'll be ungodly tired by the time I go to sleep (having been awake for about 35 hours straight, and only able to get about 4-5 hours of sleep on any given weeknight -- on average, of course) but hey, that's grad school for you. Perhaps if it's quiet this afternoon after all of my student conferences are done, I'll take a nap in my office. There's not a whole lot else I can do -- I have class from 4:30-6:50, then have to drive home and get something to eat before I can go to bed. It's a super-long day to be sure, but at least I can spend most of it leisurely because of my student conferences.

I'm not sure I really went into a lot of detail about what conferences entail. They are two of the most mentally (though thankfully, not physically) draining days of the semester, and they're required for anyone teaching English 102. Even though I teach the Science/Engineering Writing course, it's still technically an English 102 course -- just a highly specialized one. Sadly, this does not exempt me from conferences. Anyway, basically what happens is that class is not held within the classroom for a week, but everyone in both of my sections gets assigned a 10-minute window during the times I would regularly hold class to come up to my office and meet with me. I tell them their current grade, hand back any assignments they haven't gotten yet, and they get to ask me any questions/bring up any concerns they have with the class. For this, they get thirty points, and I send them on their way to finish their final papers for the semester. My class is set up a lot differently compared to the normal sections of 102, so my conferences are this week instead of earlier in the month. When we return to the classroom next week, it's workshop week, and then they turn in their papers on the 1st. The last day of classes is the 3rd, where they'll take a practice final exam in class, and then their actual final is on the 7th. The end of the semester is coming up so much faster than I expected it to, which means that over the course of the next two weeks I have a lot of work and a lot of grading ahead of me. So so much work.

After those two weeks, however? I plan to catch up on all the sleep I've lost over the course of the semester. This will take a few days at least, days during which I will more than likely be effectively dead to the world. Hopefully it'll reset my sleep clock for summer, and recharge my batteries from their proverbially-on-empty state they've been on all semester. It feels like I've just been bleeding energy from every pore, and that there's only so much I can bleed off before I just run out of power completely and won't function without a recharge. I just pray (well, okay, I don't pray, but I hope) that I can last until May 8 -- the first day, for me, of true time off, provided I have all of my final grades calculated and uploaded to Banner. After that, anything goes.

What else is going on this week? Not a whole lot, really. My practicum class will consist of our first practice grading session for final exams, which is more of an exercise than anything else -- all of us have been teaching for at least two semesters already (me, I've been teaching for four), so we're well-versed in final exam grading, but again it's one of those required things that we can't get out of. The department has its regulations that all of us have to follow. In my Editing class, we're covering a chapter in the book, and in Poetry this afternoon it's workshop as usual. For most of this week I'll probably be deliriously tired anyhow, so it's not like I'll notice if anything else happens.