The first day of classes, for me, was pretty easily managed. I let Daisy sleep while I went to campus, arranged my stuff, and taught my two classes -- one at 9:30, one at 11. Each one lasted about 30-35 minutes or so, as there was little to do other than to introduce my students to the course, their syllabus, and their books, and then let them go. While I was there, I got to see many of my friends who I'd not seen since early last month, though not all of them of course, and I was able to set up my new laptop Daisy got me for Christmas before I came back home.
That's all of the good stuff, really. Here's the bad: there is, unfortunately, something screwy with my loan money and/or financial aid in general. I do have a few colleagues in the department who -- like me -- must take out those loans to live on. They, as expected, got their loans last week. Mine, however, have not yet come in, even though everything is green and clear on my student account -- I have no holds, no black marks, no unfiled paperwork, nothing. Everything is fine, I just haven't received my loan money as I should have. Believe me, I've obsessively checked all of this stuff -- there's nothing that I should've done that I haven't when it comes to my financial aid status at the university. Doubly baffling is that this is an unsubsidized loan that I've already received the first half of (in August), and unsub loans are not need-based; they are, essentially, money to live on. Which is, not-so-ironically, what I need to do with it.
I brought this up with the director of the composition program, one of the three people basically "in charge" of us GTAs, and told her the story. Her first suggestion was that I email the department secretaries and ask them if there's anything they could check on or look at to see if they could figure out why it's not in there, because sometimes a minor scheduling issue or something along those lines could mess with their timely disbursement. So, I did so, asking very politely if they could check and see if there was such a snag or snafu. I received a reply once I got home that was what I was expecting, relatively -- I'm fine with the department and my place in the program itself; there's nothing they can see, or do, that is stopping that money from coming through -- and they told me (as expected) that I should take up the matter with the financial aid office.
So I did.
I sent an email to the lady who handled my account in December, first thanking her for her work on it and the kind voicemail she left me then, and briefly explained the situation, asking if she could tell me why it's not come in and/or hopefully fix that problem, as I, ahem, do need the money. I did not tell her that there's no logical reason it hasn't come through, as I've already received the first half of it in fall, and that it's not need/tuition based, because I'm sure she already knows that (and my eligibility for aid, she assured me, would not change just because I'm graduating this semester). I told her I would not be on campus today, but if she needed to call me to discuss it further, she could, and I left my number. I also told her that I'd be on campus tomorrow to teach anyhow, if she needed me to come in. I've not yet heard a response from her -- but, as it was the first day of classes yesterday, be assured that the financial aid office was swamped with students and their problems.
So, really, I continue to wait.
I told Daisy that it has to be something very minor, something small and overlooked that is causing this; there's nothing else on my end at least that it could be. Perhaps while my account was being looked over and worked on last month, they forgot to click a button or clear a proverbial flag or something along those lines. I will remind you that the money has already been loaned to me; as far as the student loan agency's records will show, I've already been cleared for and have been given the full amount -- it's just distributed to the university in two chunks at two different times. Therefore, it is truly out of my hands, and there has to be some sort of minor snafu holding it all up. The sooner said snafu gets fixed, the sooner I will get my funds, and as I've got at least one woman at financial aid on the case, it shouldn't take too long to get it solved. Hopefully. Again, all I can do is wait to see what happens.
Because I know my luck, however, and because I'm always paranoid about everything to a certain degree, every worst-case-scenario imaginable is running through my head. I told a few friends yesterday in no uncertain terms that, if something happens and I can't end up getting that money for whatever reason, my academic career is over. And it really is; I'd have to quit school in my last semester, four months before graduation, and get a job immediately if I want to be able to survive. Without that loan money, I can't even pay my student fees, much less pay rent and bills. A month from now, even with GTA paychecks, I'd be broke again. While I could feasibly stay in school to get my degree in May, I would have to give up my GTA position as I can't live on it alone, which would revoke my tuition waiver (not to mention leave all of my students without a professor this semester). The bills and tuition payments for school would rack up too quickly with no funds to pay them and nothing else I could do -- again, I live on my own, and I am not independently wealthy (otherwise I wouldn't be in school in the first place). How scary it is to think that my entire foreseeable future, both in a financial sense as well as pertaining to my well-being, always rests on a simple mouse click or proverbial flag that must be cleared in some computer somewhere, and how scary it is to know that through all of this, my hands are tied with nothing I can do. It may not be a lot of money to most people, but the other half of that loan is the only thing that will keep me going for the better part of the next year. I need it not only to live on, but to more than likely help move me out of this house after I graduate. Even my tax refund will only pay for two months' rent at most, and will also go to paying off my credit cards -- which, until I get any more cash, I have to use to put gas in the car and eat with. Again -- I'm not a control freak, but it is maddening to not have any control over anything in this particular situation. Rent and bills over the course of this next two weeks will drain the remaining funds from my bank account like a bucket with holes in the bottom.
There is a little good news, however, before I go down the obsessive trail of despair -- my first paycheck for the spring, according to the office, will come in on February 1st. That's a week from Friday. I'm perfectly fine with this, as by that time I may be absolutely desperate to get something, anything in my bank account so that I don't starve. But, of course, if my loans are delayed much further, it's not going to matter; I already have to plan for that check to go entirely to bills -- water, electric, credit cards, etc. As mentioned briefly in a previous post, I applied for a Discover card this week. I don't need another credit card, but fuck, I have to be able to have a bit of control over something in my life; I have to be able to eat, even if it means I have to rack up even more debt on that card.
Daisy tells me not to stress, that stress solves nothing. She's right, but I don't have the physical ability not to do so when I am terrified for my own survival. I've written before that few people can grasp the gravity of my situation until they've been in one similar. People can tell me not to worry and to not get so worked up or stressed out about something all they want, but until everything is fixed, I can't rest easy. So much of my life revolves around budgeting for everything; other people's "little things" like getting gas in their car or making a shopping trip for groceries are not little things to me; they have to be planned for and budgeted around, calculations must be made so that I don't bankrupt myself, etc. And I cannot tell you how tiring that is, how mentally taxing it all is and remains. How I long for a day when I can go to the grocery store and get everything I need without having to worry about money, without looking down at my list and saying to myself something along the lines of do I really need this right now or can it wait a few more weeks? when it's something as minor or insignificant as a roll or paper towels or a few loaves of bread. I mean, I had to tell my students yesterday that I live outside of town and that my car is 17 years old and rapidly approaching 250,000 miles on the odometer, so if something happens to it I will have to cancel class. This is something I should never have to say, because at age thirty, I should be in a much better monetary situation than I am. But I'm not. I'm a poor grad student who has, apparently, made some exceptionally poor life choices over the years.
So all I can do is wait and hope things get sorted out and fixed. I don't know what the problem is, and there's nothing I can do to solve it myself. It's all in the hands of the financial aid office, and even though it may be something extremely minor, I cannot relax until I am out of the proverbial woods.
On a positive note, finally, my parents' first box arrived yesterday:
Cat included for scale (hi, Maggie!). It was massive. I did not document all of its contents, but it contained almost, if not all, of my clothing from back home (including my new teachin' gear and my favorite pants), as well as my rice cooker and most of the food my parents were planning to send me. My mother sent me an email this morning saying that she still had to get a second box to ship the rest of it in, but that she will do so soon. Amongst the big things that remain are a huge furry blanket and a crock pot, along with some other assorted odds and ends that I'm more than likely forgetting -- when I unpacked this box, I pulled out several items that I'd completely forgotten about, such as the steel WVU emblem for my car that I've been wanting for several years now. With the ($15) shopping trip Daisy and I made a few nights ago combined with the food in the box, I should be okay when it comes to having something around the house to eat for the next week or two, which is good.
Today is a bit of a relaxation day for me (as ironic as that may sound when coupled with what I've written above). I have Wednesdays off this semester, and Daisy will go home early this afternoon. Tomorrow I'll be on campus to teach and will possibly have to go to the financial aid office, and on Friday (usually another day off) I have to be on campus almost all day, as I have several departmental meetings to attend. Saturday will be a day of taking care of things around the house such as laundry and cleaning, and Sunday/Monday will be me preparing for next week's classes, as I will be getting hip-deep into the semester with my students as soon as possible so that we can start discussing readings and assignments. Throughout all of this I will, of course, be waiting for my money to clear so that I can actually focus on all of my work. Hopefully that gets remedied sooner rather than later.
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