Giving Up, Part II

Spring semester: day fifty-three

After a semi-psychotic half-breakdown yesterday (as evidenced by a large chunk of my last post) I am...well, I suppose I'm ready. I'm really about as ready as I'm going to be. On the combined advice of both Daisy and Rae (Rae, actually, is taking her comps right now, as I type this) as well as several other friends and colleagues, I am going to look over my notes twice more -- once before I go to sleep this afternoon/evening and once again whenever I get up -- and then I will be as confident as I can possibly be before going into this exam in the morning.

I've noticed that each time I read through my notes in detail instead of just scanning them, I become a little more confident in my knowledge. It's not all going to stick perfectly, but I get a bit more confident. I'm sure at this point that reviewing them twice more over the course of the next 18 hours or so will finally push me over that edge into "I can do this, it'll be fine" mode.

And really, I'm almost there now.

This is not the zen-like calm I keep referring to, which would only come from the total mastery of all knowledge at my disposal in regards to my reading list, but it is indeed a confidence and a lessening of stress. It's sort of like the five stages of grief -- I've finally gotten to the level of acceptance. Come what may, tomorrow morning I will get up, I will dress myself, I will drive to campus, and I will take that exam. For better or for worse. I've accepted the inevitability of all possible outcomes and the insecurities that will arise in awaiting my knowledge of those outcomes, and have mentally processed them as well as I possibly can. It is what it is. It is an exam, not the end of the world. Life will still go on whether I do well or do poorly, and I will find some way to survive if the latter occurs. Getting it done and getting through it is what's important.

The testing center is located right next to my building; I will get there with enough time to make an extra-strong pot of coffee (as I normally do anyway on regular days I'm on campus) and I will try to decompress, to meditate somewhat on my knowledge, to focus myself a bit more. Breathing exercises and all that, relaxation techniques if I am a ball of nerves. And then I will take the exam. For six hours.

"Don't do anything you wouldn't normally do to prepare for it," one of my colleagues told me when I mentioned casually that I was seriously considering stopping to get a 4-pack of Red Bull on the way to campus. "Keep your normal routine; you don't want anything that's going to throw you off."

Indeed, this is true. While I need mental clarity, I figure my normal amount of coffee and nicotine will keep me perfectly balanced enough to go in there and perform my best work. No reason to overdo it or to artificially pump myself up any more than normal.

Will I be nervous? Sure. At least a bit, anyway. That's probably good -- it'll get my adrenaline pumping a bit. Perhaps my thoughts will come more quickly, more succinctly, and I'll be able to drill those questions. I certainly appreciate a challenge, as long as it's surmountable. But, regardless, even if the exam weren't tomorrow, I've done just about all I can do for it to prepare. The notes are basically refreshers, to keep the material sloshing about my mind. Every time I've awakened in the middle of the night or when my alarm goes off in the morning, I've awakened from dreams which are about how to answer questions on the exam -- my mind is running monologues with itself, thinking about wording and processes and facts which, even in my subconscious, are turning over and over like greased gears. My confidence is building. The nerves are there, but my confidence (for the moment) is overriding them. It's a confidence that I'll do well, it's a confidence that I can and will go in there being able to answer the vast majority of what that exam might throw at me. And then, once I do, I'm done. It's over. I've got time to relax, time to sleep, focus on my students, and enjoy the fact that I am basically finished with graduate school.

I told Daisy that I may, however, be nervous all weekend about the results; I don't yet know when I'll get them, of course, but I will be nervous if I end up being "iffy" on how I've answered a question, two, or all three of them. I'm also hoping that my exhilaration at being done will override those nerves as well, not to mention my confidence in how I've answered them in the first place. I can already foresee it being difficult to turn off my brain even after I've finished with everything. That's why I plan to return home tomorrow after the exam and more than likely go to bed within half an hour of getting back here. If I can do that, hopefully I'll be able to "reset" myself and awaken refreshed and at calm. Maybe that zen-like calm will come after all -- it just may come after the exam is over and I've recharged my proverbial batteries.

For now, though? All I can do is study, sleep, and refresh myself a bit more upon waking. The time for judgment is at hand. Let's hope the scales tip in my favor.