Turning Off

When I say that I have "a large amount of relative free time," it usually comes with a caveat, and that caveat generally circles around the word relative. I can never tell you folks fully how much is going on behind the scenes in my life (or in the lives of those I'm close with) because I tend to have, and deal with, a lot of very private matters -- it is not always school or work that stresses me out, but stuff going on behind the scenes as well, none of which I can, or should, write about here. This is why, in order to keep writing here and actually be able to somewhat de-stress myself, I write four-part blog posts about unclogging my pipes.

Yes, in case you forgot, that happened.

Regardless, in addition to everything else that goes on in my daily life, things which I do write about here, there's just as much that I absolutely cannot write about in such a public space. Some of it is deeply personal, either with me or with others, some of it is work-related, etc. It still can't be brought up here, and it all stresses me and adds to my anxiety levels -- that added to everything else that I tell you here already. I basically have to "turn off" what I can, and focus on the stuff I have to focus on in order to get through my daily tasks and daily life. This is one of the big reasons that my phone has been turned off for months, and why I so rarely check anything but my school email anymore; when I do check my personal accounts, I find messages from friends both current and former that I have no desire or care to reply to, and I won't. This is why I've fallen out of contact with many friends and former friends. I just don't have the time or patience to deal with all sorts of little trivial things or first-world problems in the lives of others when I have many, many more important things to deal with every single day which affect me personally and affect my career personally. To some people, this may sound self-centered or supremely standoffish/narcissistic -- to those people I also say that if you knew everything that was going on in my life behind the simple window I display here on this blog, and/or had to deal with these things yourself, you'd likely be the same way. I'm not trying to be a dick, I just want to be left alone.

No, I don't have cancer; no, nobody's dead or dying; and yes, for the moment I am perfectly financially stable and will graduate in three weeks just fine.

That being said, this is yet another reason that, as mentioned last week, I am seriously considering shutting down this blog shortly after graduation. Despite the fact that I do blog, and despite the fact that I write a lot about myself and even give a lot of details about my relationship with Daisy, I am for the most part an intensely private person, and so is she. There's nothing wrong with our relationship, mind you -- in fact, it couldn't be better -- and none of the stuff I can't write about has to do with her or with us. But, when it comes to the point where there is more I'm not writing about than what I am, there's a problem there. There's a disconnect. I get stifled. I end up writing four-part posts about unclogging pipes, or multiple-part posts about snowstorms. It means I need to turn off and focus on what I need to focus on instead of wasting time here writing about minutiae. I basically have to ignore the fact that both this planet, and most of the people on it, are full of suck, in order to write here at all. And, let me tell you, that's a really hard thing to do. And that's another reason that I've basically withdrawn from most social interaction; I no longer have the time or patience for it. I am most satisfied and at ease with myself and my fiancee, and neither need nor want much else.

Daisy and I share a large number of friends -- I am friends with a few of her close "besties" on Facebook, and I know and get along with her parents quite well. She is also friends with a large number of my friends from her visits down here, as well as friends of mine she's never met in person (yet) but interacts with on almost a daily basis on Facebook -- including my brother, several friends I've kept from high school and college, etc. I don't mind this and have encouraged it on many levels, actually -- a long time ago (and I can't believe I'm actually going to paraphrase this man), Dr. Phil once said that couples, especially married couples, shouldn't and/or plain don't have friends that both of them don't share. While I disagree with this to a small extent, I do agree with it to a much larger one -- and therefore, anyone who is really important to me in my daily life I've made sure Daisy has been made aware of (at the very least), or she has already befriended. I am totally transparent with her, and likewise, she's been the same way with me; she's introduced me to several of her coworkers (via Skype, actually) and I have befriended a few of her close friends -- and both of her sisters -- as well.

I say this because, again, we're private people -- and both of us have the number of friends and/or associates that we need. We're all full up here and all that. We keep our tight little circles and we keep to ourselves, and that's all we want. We're not necessarily self-important people, but we're not exactly social people. Why this is incredibly or necessarily important to the overall discussion is beyond me, really -- it's just on my mind. It does, however, lead to the overall point I've made here a number of times over the past several months -- good lord, world, just leave me/us alone.

Daisy knows and understands that I need a great deal of downtime and alone time; the "alone time" for the past year or so has been spent mainly taking care of student assignments and/or writing and grading papers. Once I graduate, that time will be spent, well, being alone. On purpose. Mostly, it will be spent sleeping and trying to stay as far away from my computer/phone/any semblance of a social life as possible. I actually think this was a big part of why I was always so unhappy when I was single -- I would subconsciously crave attention and interaction with other people because I didn't have anywhere to focus that energy/loneliness. Now that I'm not only taken, but engaged to a wonderful woman, it's like I can say Hooray! Okay, rest of the world -- fuck off. Daisy may be the only other person on the planet who completely understands this mentality in me, and lets me go my own way when I need to do so for a while. She knows that, at times, I need to turn off and disappear for a day or two, or longer, to decompress and take care of responsibilities, and understands this even more now that we work/sleep on opposing schedules most of the time.

It's been a slow process; part of it is done to avoid any sort of unnecessary drama (or entanglements in drama) in and around me, and part of it is done to sort of, well, quietly exit the social scene. Most of the people I know here in Kansas are graduating along with me and are subsequently leaving the state, including a few close friends. By this time next month they'll not only be already gone, but my entire graduate school career will have already come to a close -- an entire three-year situation that will have abruptly ended, and a complete life change for me. The life I've known for years will end at that time, and the next phase of it will begin -- adulthood. True adulthood; marriage-and-job-and-kids-adulthood. And, in that, I have to leave most everything and a fair amount of everyone I knew in the past...well, behind. I have to turn it off. Stresses and problems and issues have to be dealt with in their own time until they no longer exist, and everything else gets turned off and tuned out. I'm already in this process now, as I've mentioned -- there's too much going on around me that I do not want to be involved in, nor do I want to be forced to deal with. I have to take care of me and mine, and swat away the proverbial flies that cause extraneous problems or the aforementioned drama. Mind you, there's a lot that I want to leave behind. I've got enough stress and stuff to take care of in my life as-is; being able to exit quietly from about half of that, or more, will be great. Being able to exit from it and start a new life as a husband and father in the next year or two is even better. I'm trying to rise above everything right now and move on, turning my attention away from anything and everything that would stop me from being able to continue that upward process. Let go of my cape, and all that. The next month or two will be a time of great change, and it's a welcome change for the most part.