Unslept and Bloodshot

Spring semester: day sixty-eight

When I finished my previous post I took a sleeping pill, as I mentioned I would, in order to conk out and rest up. I haven't -- as you know if you've been reading this blog for a while -- been sleeping that well as of late. My body wants to sleep at weird times and for lots of short(er) intervals of about six hours or so, and even on my lighter work schedule that plays hell with the stuff I need to do during any given week. If I only sleep for six hours before a long day of work (such as this week, during student conferences) my brain and body will be shot by the time I get home and can actually go to bed again. When I do, I tend to crash out and will sleep for eight or nine hours before, once more, waking up groggy and needing a two-hour routine to fully awaken and become focused on anything, and I'm almost constantly fatigued even when I'm awake. At this point of the semester, there's no real resetting of my circadian rhythms that can take place; I just need to sleep when I can, and when I can't, I need to do what I need to do. Until I come home from Daisy's parents' after graduation weekend, I'm not going to be able to reset everything, nor will I be able to completely unhinge (in a good way, mind you) to relax. That's almost a full month away, and I can't even look that far ahead yet. I'm also bound to get some decent sleep/rest in that time as well, though I doubt I'll be able to switch around my sleeping patterns that much.

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

The sleeping pills I have (or, I should say, had ) were Lunesta. I'm sure that you've probably heard of it. My longtime ex, when she moved out, left a bunch of the sample packs here almost two years ago now, and if I've needed to sleep quickly or if I've needed to rest up for a long while without having to worry about waking up at a set time, I'd take one. This was, and is, a very rare occurrence; I'd maybe take one once or twice a year, if that. Sometimes they'd work, sometimes they wouldn't do anything at all. It all depended on the day, really. Anyway, the one I took this afternoon was the very last one I had -- and shit, it worked. It worked very, very hard.

My stomach had been bothering me all day -- I'd been in the bathroom four or five times. I'm sure you didn't need to know this, but it relates to the story. I took that pill this afternoon and almost immediately began feeling groggy. This was good; it meant that it was working, and working well. I went downstairs to bed. Suddenly, I was too hot; I was feeling queasy and needing-to-poop-esque. By this time, I was also very, very groggy; it was akin to feeling drunk, but the sick kind of drunk -- not the fun kind. I came back upstairs and went to the bathroom, in my groggy state, and I vaguely remember going back downstairs and laying down afterwards. I remember nothing after that until after 11PM when I awoke. When I came back upstairs after waking up, I noticed that I hadn't even remembered to flush the toilet. Gross.

Ladies and gentlemen, the effects of Lunesta. But -- I slept. I slept hard, and I slept well. I got the rest I so desperately needed but was unable to acquire last night because of my pounding headache (probably brought on by allergies). So why is this post titled "Unslept and Bloodshot," then? Because since then, I've been up. Yeah. Awake. Granted, this was less than five hours ago. But I've been up. I'm not mentally tired, but my body is sure tired and achy. I'm worn out. It's not stress this time; it's more that my body is fighting me because -- as I mentioned in my last post -- I have mentally checked out for the semester now that I've passed my comps. I subconsciously don't want to go back and do anything for these last few weeks; I want that diploma put in my hand now, and I want my students to get whatever grade they have in the class now and to go on their merry ways. I can't do this, of course; I've still got two more weeks of class to teach and finals week to go. But, subconsciously, my body is telling me to stop, to give up, I'm done, etc., when I'm really not. It's a neverending battle, really. This is why I am unslept and bloodshot. I'm burned out and fully rested at the same time, and why I'm awake at 3:42 AM.

I mentioned previously that I have had several of my students reschedule their conference times with me today so that they can get them done early and out of the way. My original conference schedule would have kept me on campus until well after 3PM today; now it looks like I'll be able to get out of there around or before 2, depending on who shows up and when. This is good; I might be able to coerce Rae and Jay to go get our graduation gowns today, if we all have the time, before leaving campus. That's also going to depend quite heavily on how much extra energy I have when I'm done with my conferences, too. My mind may be more shot than usual, and I may just want to come home and crash out. I was originally planning to go to Walmart tonight in the overnight hours before I had to go in to campus this morning, but I have since decided against that -- I'm too physically tired to shamble around the store right now, even though there's some stuff I need (cat food, litter, stamps, etc). Again, if it must, that can wait another 24 hours or so until I get some sleep tonight and feel rested again. Right now I'm just...exhausted. My muscles ache with fatigue. I'm wondering if my body is trying to shake off the lingering effects of the Lunesta, still. Normally I don't have a problem with stuff like that, but my eyes feel like they have cobwebs behind them, and coffee really isn't working that well to keep me motivated and energetic. I feel more tired this morning than I did the morning of my comps, when all I wanted to do was go curl up on my electric blanket and sleep the day away.

Yet, mentally awake. Of course.

I also tend to wake up very quickly and my adrenaline starts pumping when I make my drive to campus; as you know, when I get behind the wheel of the Monte Carlo every sense in my body amplifies and I become super awake, super alert immediately. It's a reflex, all fight-or-flight and all that. I've conditioned myself to be like this because Kansas drivers are all fucking idiots.

So, I'll go to campus, I'll perform my duties admirably as always, and then I will come home and go the hell to bed. I look forward to it.